To disclose or not disclose.

Ok, there is much written about honesty on these boards and on others.

A lot of BS's want transparency and not TT. They also want other WS's on here to admit to their partners that they have cheated.

Given that honesty is the best policy, do they want the OP to disclose things about the Affair? It appears many WS's don't tell all to their BS's with a lot of half truth's and TT involved. I am talking about truthful events with evidence and not made up rubbish just to make further trouble.

It's like constantly opening a wound only getting half the information. Isn't it better to get it all out so R can happen without the fear of more information coming to light later on?

BTW, I have no intention whatsoever of making any contact with his BS. Even if she did approach me, I don't know if I would discuss anything.

Yes, and yes.

Isn't it better to get it all out so R can happen without the fear of more information coming to light later on?.

are you talking about details? as an x-BS, I can tell you details are irrelevant. The only detail I need to know is that cheating happened.

are you talking about details? as an x-BS, I can tell you details are irrelevant. The only detail I need to know is that cheating happened.

I suppose it would depend on what and how much the BS wanted to know. With TT there is so much left out and much is also minimised. I am sure that many WS's omit a lot to save their hide.

For me personally, I would want to know things such as; the actual length of the relationship, gifts that were given and received, how often and where there was intimacy, promises made, if it was really love they felt for each other...it could go on and on.

You know what they say about Curiosity though...

For me the details were/are important. Now I am trying to reconcile. I expect my WS to tell me every single detail she can. It's my own way of healing. Be careful what you ask for, don't ask for the details unless you can handle the answers.

I knew her lying azz boned some punk, and popped out her first kid by him. That's all I needed to know.

For me the details were/are important. Now I am trying to reconcile. I expect my WS to tell me every single detail she can. It's my own way of healing. Be careful what you ask for, don't ask for the details unless you can handle the answers.

Couldn't agree more, on one hand the insatiable need to know the truth and on the other the fear of knowing and trusting that you are being told the truth.

Myself? I would probably want to speak to the OP to see what their side of the story is, to see what is being disclosed and not by the WS.

Couldn't agree more, on one hand the insatiable need to know the truth and on the other the fear of knowing and trusting that you are being told the truth.

 

Myself? I would probably want to speak to the OP to see what their side of the story is, to see what is being disclosed and not by the WS.

No point in meeting with the idiot that screwed your spouse. Nothing will come out of it, and all they'll do is lie to make you more angry. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. Same for WSs. Just know they cheated and lied.

No point in meeting with the idiot that screwed your spouse. Nothing will come out of it, and all they'll do is lie to make you more angry. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. Same for WSs. Just know they cheated and lied.

It worked for me. It was what I needed. I needed to speak my peace, hear her words and watch her body language. It isn't for everyone. I am detailed oriented and it was what I needed to make some final decisions. It didn't matter whether she was sorry or not, but what I needed to see was her and be able to look into her eyes. Some of the things she said matched what he said, others did not. But I did need to hear it from her.

It worked for me. It was what I needed. I needed to speak my peace, hear her words and watch her body language. It isn't for everyone. I am detailed oriented and it was what I needed to make some final decisions. It didn't matter whether she was sorry or not, but what I needed to see was her and be able to look into her eyes. Some of the things she said matched what he said, others did not. But I did need to hear it from her.

Well I'm sure we can make an exception for you:D.

Well I'm sure we can make an exception for you:D.

Thank you...since I am so exceptional.

For me personally, I would want to know things such as; the actual length of the relationship, gifts that were given and received, how often and where there was intimacy, promises made, if it was really love they felt for each other...it could go on and on.

You know what they say about Curiosity though...

- I saw ex cheating so I didnt need her to admit.

- I did wanna know the length of relationship because I was gonna use it to kick her out.

gifts that were given and received, how often and where there was intimacy, promises made, if it was really love they felt for each other...

I dont give a s*** about it.

I didnt wanna hear affair details from her because after I knew she's cheating I was not gonna believe a single word she spoke. The PI I hired gave every info

Is it possible men that don't want or need to know the details? Women seem to feel the need to know much more about the intimate side of it....?

Maybe it gets down to women needing and wanting to know about the emotional side of things, where as men tend to to get more distressed about the sexual side of things..

Please correct me if I am wrong.

I'm a man, and I want to know the details, especially from an EA. I'm still getting the TT from my WW.

I'm a man, and I want to know the details, especially from an EA. I'm still getting the TT from my WW.

If it was EA/PA, Would you want to know all the sordid details? Would you find it more distressing if it was more about the sex rather than sex and the

emotional connection?

My point here I suppose is that men get more upset that their partners shared sexual intimacy with another man but if it was purely emotional it would be a little easier to get over??!

Hi September, what do you want to learn from this thread? Are you wondering why the BW in your situation is acting (or not acting) a certain way? I don't mean any snarkiness, honest! It's just that no one here can answer these questions for you. It depends on what the BS in your situation feels that she needs.

Does the BW in your situation NOT have all the details? Is her WH not giving them to her?

I do agree with some of your assessments that men and women ask for different details when they are betrayed. Men seem to be much more focused on the physical aspect of the relationship (just look at posts from BH around this forum and it is very apparent). Women seem to focus on both the emotional and physical aspects. Of course, there are exceptions. I've seen men very broken up about their WW's emotional attachment to the OM.

As for me, I knew even very early on that I could only ask questions as I ready. There were some questions/details I didn't ask about right away and then I asked the same questions over and over again. There are some questions/details I never asked for because "curiosity might kill the cat." I didn't ask these questions because the answers might have harmed more than they helped and they weren't important to me.

You also mention trickle-truth and full transparency. IMO, these are slightly different than the BS asking for details.

If it was EA/PA, Would you want to know all the sordid details? Would you find it more distressing if it was more about the sex rather than sex and the

emotional connection?

 

My point here I suppose is that men get more upset that their partners shared sexual intimacy with another man but if it was purely emotional it would be a little easier to get over??!

Every sordid detail I needed to know.

I think that what/how much the BS needs to know depends on what they're considering on doing with that information.

The guys you've had respond so far mostly have opted to end the marriage immediately...so no additional information needed.

If the BS chooses to attempt reconciliation, they typically need quite a bit of additional information. They need to know what all it is that they're trying to forgive...how big/wide/deep the betrayal was.

I needed to understand how she conducted the affair...so that I could verify that it ended. I needed to know how she felt about him, about me, about the future, etc... while she was in the affair...so I truly understood what was going on. I needed to know what lies I was told...so I could see the truth when it DID arrive.

So I think it depends on what plan of action the BS is considering...that's what determines how much info they feel that they need to have.

I think in many cases, a "play by play", isn't necessary, but the willingness on the part of the WS to give it up, is. Reluctance, or "trickle truth", can make reconciliation far more difficult. Of course, if you are going to divorce, anyway, who cares?

I agree with Owl, I didn't need to know any details because my marriage was over. If we had reconciled then I would have wanted to know everything.

My now xMM admitted to me that, despite my "helping" the process of disclosure along, he still has not given BW the full truth. He apparently told her about our "emotional connection" but is adamant about not wanting to tell her about having had sex with me. He seems to be convinced that this would automatically lead her to end the marriage.

My now xMM admitted to me that, despite my "helping" the process of disclosure along, he still has not given BW the full truth. He apparently told her about our "emotional connection" but is adamant about not wanting to tell her about having had sex with me. He seems to be convinced that this would automatically lead her to end the marriage.

See, and this is the part of reconciliation that can drive an attempting BS to throw in the towel, because:

We are still not getting the truth, so the WS is still not owning their s%%t, so we still have a hard time trusting them, so they are STILL a poor communicator suffering from low self-esteem who avoids conflict at all costs to PROTECT themselves from the emotional fallout.

If this is not rectified fairly quickly, a BS begins to feel what is the point?

Because without full disclosure, you cannot rebuild trust and or RESPECT in a reconciliation.

It would be the horror of you, the OW, discovering he had another OW while whispering words of love and fidelity and future plans into your ear.

What would you NEED to forgive him?

See, and this is the part of reconciliation that can drive an attempting BS to throw in the towel, because:

 

We are still not getting the truth, so the WS is still not owning their s%%t, so we still have a hard time trusting them, so they are STILL a poor communicator suffering from low self-esteem who avoids conflict at all costs to PROTECT themselves from the emotional fallout.

 

If this is not rectified fairly quickly, a BS begins to feel what is the point?

 

Because without full disclosure, you cannot rebuild trust and or RESPECT in a reconciliation.

 

It would be the horror of you, the OW, discovering he had another OW while whispering words of love and fidelity and future plans into your ear.

 

What would you NEED to forgive him?

I fully agree with the bolded part. I have a very hard time understanding how xMM doesn't seem to realize that he owes it to his W, now that the cat is, at least partially out of the bag, to put all the cards on the table and address the issues that made him stray and see it as an opportunity to start over with her from scratch.

As his now xOW, I consider it a further insult that, now that he has chosen to remain with BW, he would not do his very best to work on his marriage.

It's so painful to realize that he would choose to continue to stay in a dysfunctional and dishonest relationship with BW at the cost of what could have been between us, just because he's afraid to own up for his actions.

See, and this is the part of reconciliation that can drive an attempting BS to throw in the towel, because:

 

We are still not getting the truth, so the WS is still not owning their s%%t, so we still have a hard time trusting them, so they are STILL a poor communicator suffering from low self-esteem who avoids conflict at all costs to PROTECT themselves from the emotional fallout.

 

If this is not rectified fairly quickly, a BS begins to feel what is the point?

 

Because without full disclosure, you cannot rebuild trust and or RESPECT in a reconciliation.

 

It would be the horror of you, the OW, discovering he had another OW while whispering words of love and fidelity and future plans into your ear.

 

What would you NEED to forgive him?

Are you asking me this as an xOW or if I was his wife?

 

As his now xOW, I consider it a further insult that, now that he has chosen to remain with BW, he would not do his very best to work on his marriage.

 

It's so painful to realize that he would choose to continue to stay in a dysfunctional and dishonest relationship with BW at the cost of what could have been between us, just because he's afraid to own up for his actions.

This is an interesting perspective coming from an xOW. And I mean no disrespect, honest!

Did you ever tell the xMM what you wrote above?