BF Dumped me Guys view

Hi

Will make story as quick as possible.

Met a fantastic chap 43 divorced, im 36 single neither no kids earlier this year. We hit it off and had a fantatsic few months. Got on great, live 70 miles apart saw each other every weekend and in the week. Bolt out the blue end of August he dumped me saying he hadnt fallen in love with me yet and he should of done. He loves being with me blah blah. I was devastated, after the shock i tried to move on did not contact him and went on a planned holiday. He starts texting I was polite texted back. When i cam back from my holiday he asked if we could meet, eventually met him two weeks ago. Had lunch and got on great, he said he missed me and thought he had made wrong decison as he loved being with me and we got on so well and he had been confused and all emotional since he split up with me. We agreed to go out and take things slowly. He started texting all the time and we made arrangements. Then last week i texted to plan what we had agreed and he texted back saying when he met he felt there was still nothing there. He said the same before too.

I had just got over him when he did this a second time leaving me hurt again.

I am told im attractive and im not short of offers, i have a good job family and personailty and feel totally rejected again.

Sat here trying to get over him again and i cant get him out my mind. I know if he cared for me he wouldnt do this too me. Ive been kicked in the teeth again !

I thought he was the one, do i just walk now and get over it or hope he stops being confused and trys again ?

Thanks for reading.

He sounds very immature/confused/self-concerned for a grown man. He's divorced, 43, and telling you he hadn't "fallen in love with you" after a couple of months of dating. His "working you" by his being honest about his panic and strong emotions, telling you he had made a mistake shortly after he dumped you is understandable the first time, if you wanted to try to work through his confusion, ie, intimacy issues. Depending on how long it was since his last relationship, and post-divorce, he is maybe panicked about being alone, or maybe trying to prove to himself that he could sustain a relationship after a divorce. It seemd to you like he had maybe done some self-reflection and that maybe he was initially seeking unrealistic/unreasonable/fantasy "falling in love"/romantic feelings in you. Maybe he's still working through his failed marriage issues, or maybe he's just too self-centered to comprehend how cruel it is to have reeled you back in when he probably knew you'd be either waiting or willing to take him back, and then, as you put it, kick you in the teeth.

I guess my question to you would be why this guy would appeal to you at this point? I mean, not the guy he *was* when you were dating, when you thought he was fantastic.

Because his behavior isn't fantastic.

Believe me, I am going through something similar, and I am fighting my impulses to still be in love with the person who abruptly dumped me, and minimized his cruel behavior.

We have to remember though that the extremes in the dance of ambivalence is very cruel, and that as tempting as it is to overlook the character of the dumper when they've dumped, choosing to remember their wonderful qualities, we're gonna enable them to keep doing it.

I do believe, unlike other members here, that second chances are possible, but I also believe that a long break is necessary. And that *you* take back control, stop being so accommodating, and suggest he get some therapy or something before you trust him again, because at his age, he shouldn't be so erratic and careless with someone else's heart if he's learned anything from his marriage and divorce about creating healthy partnerships.

Anyway, just my 2 pence to take or leave. I find myself wrestling with a similar issue, stay NC, have LC, or rekindle, but ultimately it's impossible for me to, for now, emotionally process my ex's disconnects.

Be well. Put yourself first.

Peace.

/Gossamer.

Hi

 

Will make story as quick as possible.

 

Met a fantastic chap 43 divorced, im 36 single neither no kids earlier this year. We hit it off and had a fantatsic few months. Got on great, live 70 miles apart saw each other every weekend and in the week. Bolt out the blue end of August he dumped me saying he hadnt fallen in love with me yet and he should of done. He loves being with me blah blah. I was devastated, after the shock i tried to move on did not contact him and went on a planned holiday. He starts texting I was polite texted back. When i cam back from my holiday he asked if we could meet, eventually met him two weeks ago. Had lunch and got on great, he said he missed me and thought he had made wrong decison as he loved being with me and we got on so well and he had been confused and all emotional since he split up with me. We agreed to go out and take things slowly. He started texting all the time and we made arrangements. Then last week i texted to plan what we had agreed and he texted back saying when he met he felt there was still nothing there. He said the same before too.

I had just got over him when he did this a second time leaving me hurt again.

I am told im attractive and im not short of offers, i have a good job family and personailty and feel totally rejected again.

 

Sat here trying to get over him again and i cant get him out my mind. I know if he cared for me he wouldnt do this too me. Ive been kicked in the teeth again !

 

I thought he was the one, do i just walk now and get over it or hope he stops being confused and trys again ?

 

Thanks for reading.

The dude is a flake. If you pursue this, you are going to get your heart smashed to bits

Hi Gossamer

Thanks for reply.

All too true. Just got home from work and sat here feeling sorry for myself. I was before I met him very happy go lucky and that is all now stripped away as I cant get him out my head. I got over the most heartbreak when he did this the first time but the second time last week was cruel.

I know if he cared for me he wouldnt have done it, I put him on a pedastool and think I cant live without him but I know I can and eventaully when he contacts me as I know he will I will hopefully be able to ignore him.

We connected or so I thought and just miss him. But I know I dont deserve to be treated like he has treated me, it was cruel.

Deleted his no again which i did before. Hope your ok, is nice to talk to somone else from the uk, I tried to send you a personal message.

T

I think you should move on for sure. Sometimes one person just doesn't have "that feeling" for another. I'm sort of in that position right now (I'm that one that's "unsure") and I can tell you it's nothing personal with you and I'm struggling whether to break up with her. It would be unfair of him to continue or try with you when it's "not there". It might be tough for you to see it this way, but he's really doing you a favor; you'll find a guy that IS head over heels for you and you'll be much happier in the end.

Hi there ttebb.

I'm glad my response helped some.

You're worthy of so much more. (So am I.) And, hey, I think I haven't really set up my account properly because I'm not getting any email updates or PMs. So I'll have to look into this this week. This community is way too important... ;-)

Talk soon.

/Gossamer

Hi Gossamer

 

Thanks for reply.

 

All too true. Just got home from work and sat here feeling sorry for myself. I was before I met him very happy go lucky and that is all now stripped away as I cant get him out my head. I got over the most heartbreak when he did this the first time but the second time last week was cruel.

I know if he cared for me he wouldnt have done it, I put him on a pedastool and think I cant live without him but I know I can and eventaully when he contacts me as I know he will I will hopefully be able to ignore him.

 

We connected or so I thought and just miss him. But I know I dont deserve to be treated like he has treated me, it was cruel.

 

Deleted his no again which i did before. Hope your ok, is nice to talk to somone else from the uk, I tried to send you a personal message.

 

T

Totally ignore him. He has issues you don't need. If you give him another chance it will only be to get hurt again. I just went through basically the same thing. Sorry, you don't need this!

Commitment-phobe.

Or, as I call them, rubber band man. Ouch.

My sympathies. Black hole him and exercise your other options. I will thank you in advance for not jerking around one of those options when he inevitably comes chasing you again.

"I will thank you in advance for not jerking around one of those options when he inevitably comes chasing you again.

The OP sounds like she has too much going for her and also a lot of insight based on how she was treated, to project the jerking-around onto her other options, but it's good to be reminded of human nature at its worst.

Commitment-phobe.

 

Or, as I call them, rubber band man. Ouch.

 

My sympathies. Black hole him and exercise your other options. I will thank you in advance for not jerking around one of those options when he inevitably comes chasing you again.

I seriously doubt she, or most other women for that matter, would purposely 'jerk some unsuspecting man around' but often women get caught up in the moment, especially when an old lover triggers that oxytocin 'Cheer's effect' and they act *without thinking*. This causes other people to get hurt or, at minimum, end up very .

Note: both genders are susceptible, but this thread is walking a woman's path. In this particular instance, her sexual power burdens her with appropriate responsibility. Hope it works out

Hi

Thanks for messages. He texted me earlier asking how I was have ignored him so far and not responded.

Going to try and not text back, I dont want contact from him right now in any form.

Would I go back to him, well only if he declared his love for me which he said he dosent so I need to get on with my life and forget him.

Just lucky we dont live in the same City. One day he will wake up and regret what hes done hopefully by then I will be with someone that deserves me. I still feel like crap and empty though but keeping myself busy at work. This has gone on too long now.

T x