Can you love and still cheat?

I've heard several people on this site state that you cannot love your spouse and cheat on them.

I most emphatically state every time that you can. I did. The people who believe that, IMHO are forming their beliefs on the basis that something must be wrong with the marriage, or the BS. When in fact the deficiency is within the cheater. It is a selfish thing. thoughts?

Yeah. Cheaters love themselves completely.

Of course you can. Many do. I think thought origniates from the OW/OM side of things...to help them be ok with the A.

My H cheated on me.

He adored me and loved me, I have no doubt of that.

I forgave him. I realized the cheating was his problem and I was willing to help us through it.

He cheated again.

He adored me and loved me, I have no doubt of that.

So what did that love do to me? For me?

I miss him. He loved me but could not, in that aspect of his life, put himself in front of that particular bullet for me.

Yeah. Cheaters love themselves completely.

TB, you are one of my favorite posters here. I can say that maybe you felt you loved your wife when you cheated, but it was your "version" of love. IMO, it wasn't the kind of love that has compassion for others, and seeks to protect, not hurt them. So sure, you might have loved her, but it wasn't a "pure" love, so to speak.

Same for those WS's who claim to "love" their AP.

How's that for armchair psychoanalysis?

I did.

Just because there are issues (infidelity - alcholism - etc.) in a marriage doesn't mean that love isn't there.

I believe that you can love your spouse and cheat on them.

When/while you're cheating, the WS often 'compartmentalizes'...when they're with the OW/OM, that's who they think on/focus on the love that they feel for that person. When they're with the BS...the BS becomes the focus.

But...the longer this goes on, the more that they emotionally invest in this new/different relationship...the more that they STOP investing in the marriage...that love does fade.

I'll grant that during the affair they're not acting in a loving manner towards their BS...but I do believe that there can well be love of various levels there for either relationship...and one waxes while the other wanes.

Most of the people who insist that there cannot be love there are those BS's who immediately ended the marriage when they discovered the cheating. The ones who see that as the only real path to take after an affair...it's part of their mindset, and a big part of why that is their only action to take or recommend.

And in some cases they may well be right...there may be no love left by that point.

But I don't believe that the love is lost BEFORE the cheating starts...I believe the love fades because of the cheating...not prior to it.

I believe that you can love your spouse and cheat on them.

 

When/while you're cheating, the WS often 'compartmentalizes'...when they're with the OW/OM, that's who they think on/focus on the love that they feel for that person. When they're with the BS...the BS becomes the focus.

 

But...the longer this goes on, the more that they emotionally invest in this new/different relationship...the more that they STOP investing in the marriage...that love does fade.

 

I'll grant that during the affair they're not acting in a loving manner towards their BS...but I do believe that there can well be love of various levels there for either relationship...and one waxes while the other wanes.

 

Most of the people who insist that there cannot be love there are those BS's who immediately ended the marriage when they discovered the cheating. The ones who see that as the only real path to take after an affair...it's part of their mindset, and a big part of why that is their only action to take or recommend.

 

And in some cases they may well be right...there may be no love left by that point.

 

But I don't believe that the love is lost BEFORE the cheating starts...I believe the love fades because of the cheating...not prior to it.

I consider love a gift. If I love someone it's because I choose to love them, and I feel them deserving of that gift. It's not like it's just something oozing from orifices because I just couldn't help it.

Ok, that was a gross visual, so I'm going to leave it there.

That whole: I cant help it, didnt mean for it to happen, I know its wrong BUT...

How people can say that with a straight face to themselves let alone other people , or a BS! ...

I mean, those are the words children use to explain bad behavior. Children who have not yet learned self control or experienced the consequences of life. Children who require supervision. At least they are honest.

When adults use those words...their car keys and passports should be immediately confiscated.

I agree with the disgust over the phase ' I didn't mean for it to happen.' Or the one 'We couldn't help ourselves', and I have a bigger problem with 'I never meant to hurt you'. Although I think I actually have said the last one. It's all about choices. And the wrong ones.

What Next, Sorry you didn't recover your marriage. But, I did and still do love her deeply 12 years later. My bad choice to cheat was about me not her or my love for her. Although I almost destroyed her love for me. It took years to rebuild what I destroyed. And I did destroy the marriage we had then. We now have an even better stronger union. And I will never make the kind of foolish choices again that I did then.

You know...when someone who's been cheating tells their BS "I didn't really mean to hurt you"...I believe that it's true.

From what I've seen...WS's never really LET themselves stop and consider the outcome of their actions...they never LET themselves think about the pain they're going to cause.

They intentionally avoid thinking about that...and focus on the pleasure that they're feeling instead.

They often mentally play gymnastics with themselves during the affair to convince themselves that they're not going to hurt anyone...that the affair will never be found out, or that the outcome is going to be some kind of fantasy-land happy path.

They're often almost as surprised at the damage done as the BS is themselves.

They avoided letting themselves see it until it hit.

I'd also like to recant part of my original statement. I believe that things may have led to the the love beginning to fade before the affair, don't take me wrong. But I believe that the love CAN still be there up until and during the affair...but then fades as they stop investing in one relationship and invest more and more into the other.

As a former WS, I can honestly (yes, honestly) say that I never stopped loving my H. There were problems in the marriage that both my H and I were responsible for but I was entirely responsible for my actions in having the affair. I could have stopped it, I could have resisted it but I did not - I hate all that "couldn't help it", "it just happened", "some loves are just too strong to resist" cr*p. I'm an adult so I accept that I have choice in and responsibility for my actions.

I just want to point out that I do not believe that cheating is an indication of an unhappy marriage or lack of love. I do not believe cheating is an automatic deal breaker. I do believe that a marriage that reconciles and recovers from a crisis such as infidelity...is a beautiful thing.

I do believe that a marriage that reconciles and recovers from a crisis such as infidelity...is a beautiful thing.

Amen to that sister!

2sure I also do not believe cheating is an immeadiate end to the marriage. A ONS that happens for a variety of reasons or perhaps a single indicent could be forgiven in my book. However, after D-day honestly, 100% honesty, openness and an immeadiate attempt at recovery must occur.

Thomas I admire what you and your wife were able to achieve. Good for you and I think it is a beautiful thing. However, I WILL NOT live the rest of my days questioning every move she makes. Every phone call, everytime she goes out the door. Life's too short for that.

In my opinion the ability to recover largely comes from the WS and how they choose to deal with the affair post D-day. My STBX chose to continue lieing and to even have contact with the OM. Further to that she did little to reconcile besides acting like a child IMHO.

We have went further afield then the OP asked for though...

The bottom line for me is that an ongoing affair shows little "love" on the part of the WS.

Jthorne, Thank you! I think I'm just far enough out from this to be objective.

WhatNext. I doubt we could have recovered under those conditions either. I'm not altogether certain we would have if I had been caught and not confessed. That made it easier for her to know I meant it when I said it was over and I did want to start anew.

WhatNext. I doubt we could have recovered under those conditions either. I'm not altogether certain we would have if I had been caught and not confessed. That made it easier for her to know I meant it when I said it was over and I did want to start anew.

Thomas, do you consider your relationship with your wife to be recovered?

I was going to say that cheaters have a different definition of LOVE, but this quote says it.

 

TB, you are one of my favorite posters here. I can say that maybe you felt you loved your wife when you cheated, but it was your "version" of love. IMO, it wasn't the kind of love that has compassion for others, and seeks to protect, not hurt them. So sure, you might have loved her, but it wasn't a "pure" love, so to speak.

 

Same for those WS's who claim to "love" their AP.

 

How's that for armchair psychoanalysis?

It's brilliant psychoanalysis. You are one of my favorite posters.

Love and Lust are two very different things. One can love one and still lust after another. I'm thinking that people generally lust first and love later- in any romantic R.

Silly Girl, Perhaps you missed that it has been 12 years since my affair. My marriage is definitely recovered. The affair is just a far back blip now.

Silly Girl, Perhaps you missed that it has been 12 years since my affair. My marriage is definitely recovered. The affair is just a far back blip now.

Only a blip?

Yes, now. Needless to say it wasn't then.

Perhaps I should explain my last statement more. Ater surviving through the death of our 23yr old son and my wifes fight against breast cancer it seems like a much smaller deal!