Trying to hold firm.... but failing miserably

Thanks you guys for all the input. I guess my purpose in here was to find others who have gone through similar situations and hear words of wisdom from them about how they got through the NC phase. Its like a withdrawal from an addiction when you talk to someone for hours a day and spend an hour or more chatting online everynight to say goodnight to stop cold turkey. And it hurts because he is my best friend and love. For those of you who have strong opinions I value your sentiments but do believe every situation is different. If you read his letter....and heard us talk you would know that while he doesn't want to lose me... he realizes that I am going to move forward dating and seeing others as well as lessening if not stopping contact altogether with him. He knows I will not see him in person at all until his situation has progressed. He is not asking me for more time and I have moved the timeline up... he was supposed to have another month. He is not groveling and begging me to hang in there. He said I know I am not done (meaning he knows he has work to do and we are not over)... and he will do it and he will come find me. He recognizes how strong I am capable of being and realizes that he will not have long to make his moves or I will be lost to him forever. The ball is in his court to move things with his wife. I can't change it... and if he doesn't leave her it wasn't meant to be. Because I love him and truly do want what is best for him that also would pertain to him staying. If he wants to try to fix his marriage and that is his choice than I support it. I just won't be here waiting and he knows it. I am just hurting because I love him and want to be with him, but in the end.... I know I can and will be ok without him. He is not responsible for my happiness in life nor my choices as I am not responsible for his.

Oh and by the way... all the people who encourage me to send or call and out him to his wife. If he was really a piece of crap... who had me dangling and was sowing his wild oats somewhere else and still sleeping with his wife.... maybe and only under those circumstances would I consider it. He is not. He is a decent, kind, human being, whom I believe does care for his wife and kids but is stuck in a loveless marriage and wants out. He will or will not be able to do it in his time frame... but it is not my responsibility to out him to his wife. All the signs are there for her to see.... ALL OF THEM. She chooses to ignore them and sweep all there issues under the carpet as she has done for years. That is her choice. And if he wants to tell her which he often says he does... that that will be the easiest way for her to get closure and for him to get out... than that is his decision as well. He just wants me to have a relationship with his kids and family and not have it be marred with the ugliness of he cheated and left their mother for me. I don't want that either.

Oh and by the way... all the people who encourage me to send or call and out him to his wife. If he was really a piece of crap... who had me dangling and was sowing his wild oats somewhere else and still sleeping with his wife.... maybe and only under those circumstances would I consider it. He is not. He is a decent, kind, human being, whom I believe does care for his wife and kids but is stuck in a loveless marriage and wants out. He will or will not be able to do it in his time frame... but it is not my responsibility to out him to his wife. All the signs are there for her to see.... ALL OF THEM. She chooses to ignore them and sweep all there issues under the carpet as she has done for years. That is her choice. And if he wants to tell her which he often says he does... that that will be the easiest way for her to get closure and for him to get out... than that is his decision as well. He just wants me to have a relationship with his kids and family and not have it be marred with the ugliness of he cheated and left their mother for me. I don't want that either.

Doesn't this describe what most OW, in an affair, think of the MM?

I also have an issue about you stating she should know what is going on. Have you heard of gaslighting? For all you know, she has questioned him and he has lied.

If he really wanted out, he would tell her he doesn't love her and wants a divorce.

But my guess is, like SOOO many other MM, they don't want to be the one to get the divorce. They want the wife to file - they want HER to be the one to proclaim the marriage over - even though it is the man who is cheating most of the time.

Coward. Liar. Cheater.

Great qualities in a man

And once again, MANY people with kids divorce. My son was 6. My husband's kids were 3 and 11. My girlfriend's daughter was 17. My other friend's kids were 8 and 10.

ALL of these kids are doing great today. Know why? Because they have good parents who place honesty, integrity and their kids needs ahead of their own. Kids don't need to grow up in a loveless, tension filled home where the parents don't act like they love each other or like each other.

I think this MM is feeding you so many lines, and like most OW, you aren't willing to see it for what it is.

I hope we are wrong, but I highly doubt it. And for what its worth, I was involved in an affair for 2 years so I DO understand what you are talking about. The MM I had an affair with could have written that same letter to me.

But hopefully, like me, you will truly move on. It was a few months later I met my how Husband He showed me what a true man of character is. he showed me that not all men are jerks. I had a physically abusive marriage and then got myself involved in a mentally/emotionally abusive affair. My H and I just celebrated 12 wonderful years of marriage

If a man loves a woman, he will move MOUNTAINS to be with her.

Thanks you guys for all the input. I guess my purpose in here was to find others who have gone through similar situations and hear words of wisdom from them about how they got through the NC phase. Its like a withdrawal from an addiction when you talk to someone for hours a day and spend an hour or more chatting online everynight to say goodnight to stop cold turkey. And it hurts because he is my best friend and love. For those of you who have strong opinions I value your sentiments but do believe every situation is different. If you read his letter....and heard us talk you would know that while he doesn't want to lose me... he realizes that I am going to move forward dating and seeing others as well as lessening if not stopping contact altogether with him. He knows I will not see him in person at all until his situation has progressed. He is not asking me for more time and I have moved the timeline up... he was supposed to have another month. He is not groveling and begging me to hang in there. He said I know I am not done (meaning he knows he has work to do and we are not over)... and he will do it and he will come find me. He recognizes how strong I am capable of being and realizes that he will not have long to make his moves or I will be lost to him forever. The ball is in his court to move things with his wife. I can't change it... and if he doesn't leave her it wasn't meant to be. Because I love him and truly do want what is best for him that also would pertain to him staying. If he wants to try to fix his marriage and that is his choice than I support it. I just won't be here waiting and he knows it. I am just hurting because I love him and want to be with him, but in the end.... I know I can and will be ok without him. He is not responsible for my happiness in life nor my choices as I am not responsible for his.

I know exactly what you are talking about when it comes to how difficult it is to be without this man who is/has been such a large part of your everyday life. For me I can not do NC, but I do not have any desire to do it either. The pros still outweigh the cons in my case.

I admire your determination and strength, it sounds to me like you will be able to move on if things do not turn out like you hope with your MM.

If he was really a piece of crap... who had me dangling and was sowing his wild oats somewhere else and still sleeping with his wife.... maybe and only under those circumstances would I consider it. He is not. He is a decent, kind, human being, whom I believe does care for his wife and kids but is stuck in a loveless marriage and wants out.

Coward. Liar. Cheater.

 

Great qualities in a man

I never could understand the desire of some former OW to label the man another OW loves with such derogatory terms.

Apparently, she feels there needs to be a choice between her and the W. He's throwing a carrot out there with this 2 year timeline. If they truly are friends and confidants, it either should be it is what it is right now, or she should move on to someone available for a commitment. It seems that many people on the O board want some lifelong commitment, and I am wondering why. Obviously not the M's deal, they're not that committed to marriage.

For me to buy her statistics, I'd have to buy the split self theory, which I don't.

 

Just look on these boards- how many of these so-called split self MM are taking any concrete steps to resolve their issues, and how many have actually divorced and ended up with the OW? How many are still stringing along their OW?

 

I see it as an excuse for the MM to continue cake-eating and to avoid responsibility for their actions. OW who agree with it use it as justification to be strung along. After all, the "split" would most likely resolve itself if the MM disclosed their A, and let the BS decide their own fate. Yet, they selfishly decide that their spouse should live the lie the WS has created for them.

Obviously, we don't agree on the issue.

I agree with you. I'm not into pop psychology either. Having said that, even if the "split self" MM ever does take concrete steps to get a divorce in order to resolve the "split", it won't help in the long run. What will likely happen is that he'll recreate the split because that is how he learned to get his needs met - dividing up his needs and having them met by the person most suitable to that particular task. Sometimes he'll spread those needs between two people, sometimes more; however many it takes.

Even if he resolves the current "split" by leaving his wife (or dumping the OW) all that does is solve the current problem because the method he uses to meet his needs (splitting them across multiple need-meeters) will remain. People who do this lack the maturity to accept that no one person can ever 100% meet the needs of another. It's just not possible. Instead of finding constructive ways to work with their partner to maximize need meeting efforts, and working with themselves to resolve and come to terms with the fact that 100% of their needs will likely ever be met by one person 100% of the time, they choose to use multiple sources (people) to gratify their needs instead.

I chose the word "use" in the last sentence very purposefully, because that is exactly what is happening in this "splitting". These people look at the holes in their lives and then select and use likely people to fill them. To outsiders it may look like they just "fell in love" with their affair partner and it was all one big accident, but it isn't. The MM/MW very carefully selects the person (or persons) who will fill in the gaps until he/she becomes whole and all their needs are met. Then they try like hell to hold onto the whole fragmented creation. The OP or BS may start to demand and pressure the WS into making a choice, but HE ALREADY HAS. He has set up his creation in the way it meets his needs and makes every effort to maintain it, probably because he doesn't know, or want it, any other way.

Divorce is not going to help because he will simply find himself in the same situation again - the AP will not be able to meet his needs 100% either. Then what? Exactly. He starts building a new creation all over again to fill in those gaps. A person like this needs a whole lot of self-work and probably shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone - OW, BS, or new person - until he gets his act together and stops using people as pawns in his quest for gratification.

I chose the word "use" in the last sentence very purposefully, because that is exactly what is happening in this "splitting". These people look at the holes in their lives and then select and use likely people to fill them. To outsiders it may look like they just "fell in love" with their affair partner and it was all one big accident, but it isn't. The MM/MW very carefully selects the person (or persons) who will fill in the gaps until he/she becomes whole and all their needs are met. Then they try like hell to hold onto the whole fragmented creation. The OP or BS may start to demand and pressure the WS into making a choice, but HE ALREADY HAS. He has set up his creation in the way it meets his needs and makes every effort to maintain it, probably because he doesn't know, or want it, any other way.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can see this pattern exactly describing my fMW in our A. She even told her H during our A that she was closer to me emotionally than to him, and on another occasion that she would not stop seeing me because she needed us both. H let himself believe the A was not PA, and reluctantly let her continue. Ultimately, I was the one pushing for a choice, and when D-Day came, she chose to stay with H. It has been a few months, and I wonder (although am in NC and will not try to find out) when she will select her new outside "needs-supplier." Won't be me, thank goodness.

Oh and by the way... all the people who encourage me to send or call and out him to his wife. If he was really a piece of crap... who had me dangling and was sowing his wild oats somewhere else and still sleeping with his wife.... maybe and only under those circumstances would I consider it. He is not. He is a decent, kind, human being, whom I believe does care for his wife and kids but is stuck in a loveless marriage and wants out. He will or will not be able to do it in his time frame... but it is not my responsibility to out him to his wife. All the signs are there for her to see.... ALL OF THEM. She chooses to ignore them and sweep all there issues under the carpet as she has done for years. That is her choice. And if he wants to tell her which he often says he does... that that will be the easiest way for her to get closure and for him to get out... than that is his decision as well. He just wants me to have a relationship with his kids and family and not have it be marred with the ugliness of he cheated and left their mother for me. I don't want that either.

there is a difference between what he may tell you - and the reality of what he has going at home.

that was the case for me.

our home life was completely different than what my WH described to his OW. COMPLETELY different. he told her what he wanted her to hear so he could get from her what he felt he was entitled to.

when DD hit - he begged to make the M work. i was done. he was devastated not at what he'd done - he was just assuming i would never find out.

there is a difference between what he may tell you - and the reality of what he has going at home.

 

that was the case for me.

 

our home life was completely different than what my WH described to his OW. COMPLETELY different. he told her what he wanted her to hear so he could get from her what he felt he was entitled to.

 

when DD hit - he begged to make the M work. i was done. he was devastated not at what he'd done - he was just assuming i would never find out.

2sunny... how did you find out? so you left him?

With the benefit of hindsight, I can see this pattern exactly describing my fMW in our A. She even told her H during our A that she was closer to me emotionally than to him, and on another occasion that she would not stop seeing me because she needed us both. H let himself believe the A was not PA, and reluctantly let her continue. Ultimately, I was the one pushing for a choice, and when D-Day came, she chose to stay with H. It has been a few months, and I wonder (although am in NC and will not try to find out) when she will select her new outside "needs-supplier." Won't be me, thank goodness.

So Morning Coffee... So tell me how you did the NC and how it has been for you. I guess that is what I am most on here for. I have told him I am moving on. I mean it. While we have not gone completely NC... the last 3 days have been hell with little to no contact compared to what it had been and we have not seen each other. With every day I get a little stronger and want contact less.

I am sorry to have contributed to thread jacking your thread with the split self. I have no idea whether the split self applies to your MM or not.

 

I agree with you that your MM needs to think this through thoroughly. To up and end a marriage with kids where you were not done before the entrance of the OW would be irresponsible. He needs to do it in the pace which is right for him, so as not to regret his actions later.

 

But as you say there is no reason for you to reserve yourself for him while he is figuring out what to do with his life. Good for you to keep on dating.

Hi Jennie,

As someone who studied family therapy in undergrad I find value in reading a lot of this stuff... unfortunately he has to do the work.... isn't that the way it is most of the time.... we try to do the work for them... but it fails miserably. He knows what he needs to do. With every day I don't see him I get stronger. I know I can do this. Life is short.... there are tons of people who are looking for love and it seems a lot of these OW have a lot of love to give... they just are giving it to the wrong person. I'd love for him to be the right person. I still hope he finds the courage to leave... but I know I had the courage to leave mine because I wanted a different life.... and I'll be damned if I stay stuck in something that is unhealthy when I just got out an unhealthy marriage. How long have you been with you MM? does his wife know of the A?

Doesn't this describe what most OW, in an affair, think of the MM?

 

I also have an issue about you stating she should know what is going on. Have you heard of gaslighting? For all you know, she has questioned him and he has lied.

 

If he really wanted out, he would tell her he doesn't love her and wants a divorce.

 

But my guess is, like SOOO many other MM, they don't want to be the one to get the divorce. They want the wife to file - they want HER to be the one to proclaim the marriage over - even though it is the man who is cheating most of the time.

 

Coward. Liar. Cheater.

 

Great qualities in a man

 

And once again, MANY people with kids divorce. My son was 6. My husband's kids were 3 and 11. My girlfriend's daughter was 17. My other friend's kids were 8 and 10.

 

ALL of these kids are doing great today. Know why? Because they have good parents who place honesty, integrity and their kids needs ahead of their own. Kids don't need to grow up in a loveless, tension filled home where the parents don't act like they love each other or like each other.

 

I think this MM is feeding you so many lines, and like most OW, you aren't willing to see it for what it is.

 

I hope we are wrong, but I highly doubt it. And for what its worth, I was involved in an affair for 2 years so I DO understand what you are talking about. The MM I had an affair with could have written that same letter to me.

 

But hopefully, like me, you will truly move on. It was a few months later I met my how Husband He showed me what a true man of character is. he showed me that not all men are jerks. I had a physically abusive marriage and then got myself involved in a mentally/emotionally abusive affair. My H and I just celebrated 12 wonderful years of marriage

 

If a man loves a woman, he will move MOUNTAINS to be with her.

Fooled once.... you make a lot of judgement statements about people you've never met. I could make the same about you. Why are you on this site if you are happily married for 12 years. Don't you have better things to do with your time than try to make other people feel bad for their decisions. Sounds like you've not exactly been the queen of good decision making in your life either. Maybe you should have a little compassion and mercy on people who are also trying to the best they can and living their life and offer constructive ideas to help instead of unloading your baggage on them. It isn't about you anymore.... or is it?

Hi Jennie,

As someone who studied family therapy in undergrad I find value in reading a lot of this stuff... unfortunately he has to do the work.... isn't that the way it is most of the time.... we try to do the work for them... but it fails miserably. He knows what he needs to do. With every day I don't see him I get stronger. I know I can do this. Life is short.... there are tons of people who are looking for love and it seems a lot of these OW have a lot of love to give... they just are giving it to the wrong person. I'd love for him to be the right person. I still hope he finds the courage to leave... but I know I had the courage to leave mine because I wanted a different life.... and I'll be damned if I stay stuck in something that is unhealthy when I just got out an unhealthy marriage. How long have you been with you MM? does his wife know of the A?

Yep, they have to do the work themselves. My MM agrees that he needs individual therapy, but from agreeing to actually getting it seems to be a very long road...

We are both 51, and thus the dating scene is not exactly compelling to me. I have my own house and my three children to keep me busy.

MM and I have been in a relationship for 4+ years, but I did not end my prior relationship with my SO until 3 years ago.

The wife does not know. Well, she knows of my existence because she caught him early on with sending me an email, so he admitted as much, but denied the extent of our relationship. He has been sexually exclusive with me for the last year, so you would think that his wife would be puzzled. She throws out remarks at times to him, like "Have you been with your mistress now?" when he comes home late, but she still does not seem to realize that is the reality.

I like your determination and motivation. You seem to have a clear view on what is going on in your life. I bet you can do this, even if it will not be easy. I am rooting for you!

May I ask how old you are?

Yep, they have to do the work themselves. My MM agrees that he needs individual therapy, but from agreeing to actually getting it seems to be a very long road...

 

We are both 51, and thus the dating scene is not exactly compelling to me. I have my own house and my three children to keep me busy.

 

MM and I have been in a relationship for 4+ years, but I did not end my prior relationship with my SO until 3 years ago.

 

The wife does not know. Well, she knows of my existence because she caught him early on with sending me an email, so he admitted as much, but denied the extent of our relationship. He has been sexually exclusive with me for the last year, so you would think that his wife would be puzzled. She throws out remarks at times to him, like "Have you been with your mistress now?" when he comes home late, but she still does not seem to realize that is the reality.

 

I like your determination and motivation. You seem to have a clear view on what is going on in your life. I bet you can do this, even if it will not be easy. I am rooting for you!

 

May I ask how old you are?

Of course. I am 36... will be 37 in Sept. Was married for 10 years to a man that had 2 daughters from a previous marriage. They both lived with us and I helped him raise them. I postponed having my own kids until they went off to college because I wanted to be able to focus on an infant.... than had difficulty getting pregnant. My then husband would never cum inside me and when I started fertility he was less than helpful. It was horrible... He was hoping I would get over the desire to have a family. He was 16 years my senior. So now I am 36. I fell in love with a MM but I am not getting any younger and do want children. He says he wants to have a family with me... but I am not going to waste years of my life waiting on him to leave. He has given me many "deposits" and says he would welcome it if I got pregnant (I am not on birth control). I almost think sometimes he wishes it would happen as he knows that that would end his marriage for him. Sad really. But anyway.... that is part of why my resolve is so strong. I will say I did talk to him today. He has seen me change my status on facebook to single, I told him that I joined Match.com and that I have started answering emails and messages from men on there. I have told him that I am going to go out tonight with some friends. He is a wreck but the ball is in his court. He says they are sitting down tonight and he is going to move this along. We'll see. Thanks for all your input. I sincerely appreciate it!

Of course. I am 36... will be 37 in Sept. Was married for 10 years to a man that had 2 daughters from a previous marriage. They both lived with us and I helped him raise them. I postponed having my own kids until they went off to college because I wanted to be able to focus on an infant.... than had difficulty getting pregnant. My then husband would never cum inside me and when I started fertility he was less than helpful. It was horrible... He was hoping I would get over the desire to have a family. He was 16 years my senior. So now I am 36. I fell in love with a MM but I am not getting any younger and do want children. He says he wants to have a family with me... but I am not going to waste years of my life waiting on him to leave. He has given me many "deposits" and says he would welcome it if I got pregnant (I am not on birth control). I almost think sometimes he wishes it would happen as he knows that that would end his marriage for him. Sad really. But anyway.... that is part of why my resolve is so strong. I will say I did talk to him today. He has seen me change my status on facebook to single, I told him that I joined Match.com and that I have started answering emails and messages from men on there. I have told him that I am going to go out tonight with some friends. He is a wreck but the ball is in his court. He says they are sitting down tonight and he is going to move this along. We'll see. Thanks for all your input. I sincerely appreciate it!

If there is one thing I understand, it is the drive for a woman to have children. That is a very, very important factor to weigh in when deciding whether to remain the OW or not. I am glad you are looking out for yourself when it comes to this, and not just sitting there hoping that your MM will come around.

LOL I too changed my Facebook status to single the other day! When I was upset with my MM.

Fooled once.... you make a lot of judgement statements about people you've never met. I could make the same about you. Why are you on this site if you are happily married for 12 years. Don't you have better things to do with your time than try to make other people feel bad for their decisions. Sounds like you've not exactly been the queen of good decision making in your life either. Maybe you should have a little compassion and mercy on people who are also trying to the best they can and living their life and offer constructive ideas to help instead of unloading your baggage on them. It isn't about you anymore.... or is it?

And aren't you being just as judgemental to FO and her reasoning for posting on your thread? I'm sorry she's not said what you want to hear, but that doesn't change the fact that your MM is what he is- a married man who's lying to his wife to be with you. No one has said anything to hurt you- people only want to help.

That being said, it's great that you are in NC. You came here for support on how to make it through NC, so let me speak to that. What did you do when you broke up with a single guy? You kept busy, right?

The best way to heal from any breakup is to keep busy. Spend time with friends and family. Clean your house. Organize your closet. Get a new haircut. Go to the gym. Try a new hobby. Meet new people.

You take care of you, that's how you survive NC.

2sunny... how did you find out? so you left him?

he went on a "business trip"... he had acted a bit "off" for a few days prior to leaving. then - i found receipts before he left that showed he bought a ton of gifts prior to the trip... the wrapped gifts were hidden in his trunk. when he left that day - i knew our wonderful life as we knew it would never be the same. by the time he was headed home i had changed the locks, moved money and filed for divorce... he was shell shocked. 23 years - poof...

he begged. he pleaded. he totally thought i would overlook it and return to this perfect life he thought i would never give up. even after that many years - we still had so much fun together, had accomplished so much, still had amazing sex 1-3 times every day and he never gave me an indication that he was unhappy at all with our M.

i knew when he drove away for his long weekend - that life for me was over - i was unwilling to be with a man who was my whole life... yet HE wasn't even willing to be honest... and HE was willing to betray me at the highest level without even so much as a word that would have allowed me to understand the man he REALLY was - instead of the man i thought he was.

i took MY power back - it was gut wrenching and a painful process to find myself again - on my own. five years later i feel so free and so happy... which is not based upon being with or without someone else. it is true freedom!

that's why i say his W deserves to have some idea of what the truth is - so she can also decide to stay in her M based in the reality of what is happening - or not.

you deserve the freedom for yourself as well. hugs.

So Morning Coffee... So tell me how you did the NC and how it has been for you. I guess that is what I am most on here for. I have told him I am moving on. I mean it. While we have not gone completely NC... the last 3 days have been hell with little to no contact compared to what it had been and we have not seen each other. With every day I get a little stronger and want contact less.

I feel for you. The first days and weeks are incredibly painful. I went NC telling her to please refrain from contacting me unless it was to tell me of her divorce. I posted here a lengthy set of reasons I use to remind myself over and over why I had to do this for ME.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2766902#post2766902

I continue to remind myself of those truths, to work on myself with a counsellor, and to accept gladly the support of two great woman friends who have helped me keep my clarity and my resolve.

I journalled like crazy. (Well, I guess I was a bit crazy). When I got to letting go the stuff that was the hardest to let go of, I discovered a meditation exercise that helped me to let go while keeping a safe place for memories of the good stuff. I posted here about that, too.

I used LS, and every other resource I could find, to learn more about what I went through and what I was going through, and to not let myself slack off from the process of grieving the loss of this love.

I think a lost love, even one as convoluted and problematic as a love affair, is a loss that I have to fully grieve to truly be done with and to learn from. If I had not gone NC 5 weeks+ ago, I would still be exactly where I was then except I'd still be miserable. Disconsolate. Shattered. Etc. Believe me, NC takes work and it takes time, but it is the way back to balance and perspective. I still have a long way to go, but I am not so fragile any more.

I now can say I make no recriminations, and I have no regrets (although I will never let myself get into a R with a married woman again - too little of her in the R, and too much pain in my heart).

It will be a while yet before I can entertain any possibility of a new relationship, but I will get there, wiser for the experience (the wonderful as well as the painful).

You are not alone, and LS is a great resource. I just suggest that since people have their own stories and issues, and relationships are not cookie cutter, it seems wise to take what seems useful and helpful and leave the rest.

He says they are sitting down tonight and he is going to move this along.

see? this is where he lies! move it along to where?

it doesn't say "i am filing or divorce" - "i filed for divorce" it doesn't say "i told my wife i'm moving out because i don't intend to be married to her anymore."

moving it along????? :laugh::laugh:

he is so full of it! MM use words designed to make YOU think you hear something - when really he said absolutely NOTHING CONCRETE!

THAT is why you need to tell him "when the divorce is FINAL - give me call" we can discuss whether or not i am available THEN - and only then.

WHEN the divorce is final - you will know that he actually intends to be available... until then - "moving it along" means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! the only thing it kind of means is that he's willing to design his words to deceive you - and to give you some hope that "things move along" - in the meantime - he has sex with her, goes to family functions with her, takes vacations with her and moves things along as if he intends to STAY MARRIED.

when his actions don't match his words = he's lying.

Hmm... I'm not FO, but her post has said pretty much the same thing a lot of others here have said. I ended an A, moved on and met someone I love very much. I continue to post here because I've learned from my experience, and don't want others to feel the pain I've felt. I imagine FO is much the same.

 

And aren't you being just as judgemental to FO and her reasoning for posting on your thread? I'm sorry she's not said what you want to hear, but that doesn't change the fact that your MM is what he is- a married man who's lying to his wife to be with you. No one has said anything to hurt you- people only want to help.

 

That being said, it's great that you are in NC. You came here for support on how to make it through NC, so let me speak to that. What did you do when you broke up with a single guy? You kept busy, right?

The best way to heal from any breakup is to keep busy. Spend time with friends and family. Clean your house. Organize your closet. Get a new haircut. Go to the gym. Try a new hobby. Meet new people.

 

You take care of you, that's how you survive NC.

Of course I was being judgemental! That was my point. I know he's a MM... that was how I found this site. I am still a MW because my divorce will not be official for 45 days. We met each other with different circumstances and I will forever be grateful to him because in many ways he was a light that showed me how much I was sacrificing of my own happiness and needs for my STBXH. I came on here just looking for some encouragement... I know what I have to do. And I do appreciate constructive criticism, but people should think about the fact that they do not know the audience or the histories of every person they are posting about and be a little more gentle in their approach sometimes. Anyway, I am willing to take the stuff that helps and leave the rest. Thanks for the post! I am trying to keep busy. That is it... and walk away from my phone and computer a lot more!

see? this is where he lies! move it along to where?

 

it doesn't say "i am filing or divorce" - "i filed for divorce" it doesn't say "i told my wife i'm moving out because i don't intend to be married to her anymore."

 

moving it along????? :laugh::laugh:

 

he is so full of it! MM use words designed to make YOU think you hear something - when really he said absolutely NOTHING CONCRETE!

 

THAT is why you need to tell him "when the divorce is FINAL - give me call" we can discuss whether or not i am available THEN - and only then.

 

WHEN the divorce is final - you will know that he actually intends to be available... until then - "moving it along" means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! the only thing it kind of means is that he's willing to design his words to deceive you - and to give you some hope that "things move along" - in the meantime - he has sex with her, goes to family functions with her, takes vacations with her and moves things along as if he intends to STAY MARRIED.

 

when his actions don't match his words = he's lying.

Agreed. I hear those discrepancies now in BOLD when he says them. And I agree... when the divorce is final. Now to just be stronger with the NC.

see? this is where he lies! move it along to where?

 

it doesn't say "i am filing or divorce" - "i filed for divorce" it doesn't say "i told my wife i'm moving out because i don't intend to be married to her anymore."

 

moving it along????? :laugh::laugh:

 

he is so full of it! MM use words designed to make YOU think you hear something - when really he said absolutely NOTHING CONCRETE!

 

THAT is why you need to tell him "when the divorce is FINAL - give me call" we can discuss whether or not i am available THEN - and only then.

 

WHEN the divorce is final - you will know that he actually intends to be available... until then - "moving it along" means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! the only thing it kind of means is that he's willing to design his words to deceive you - and to give you some hope that "things move along" - in the meantime - he has sex with her, goes to family functions with her, takes vacations with her and moves things along as if he intends to STAY MARRIED.

 

when his actions don't match his words = he's lying.

But I do know he hasn't had sex with her in a year. I have seen the proof of it while they were emailing back and forth when he was away with me on a "business trip". I don't believe if she had your healthy sex drive that he would ever leave her. She has none and doesn't seem to want him. Good for you for having the strength to know what you will not accept and move on.

I feel for you. The first days and weeks are incredibly painful. I went NC telling her to please refrain from contacting me unless it was to tell me of her divorce. I posted here a lengthy set of reasons I use to remind myself over and over why I had to do this for ME.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2766902#post2766902

 

I continue to remind myself of those truths, to work on myself with a counsellor, and to accept gladly the support of two great woman friends who have helped me keep my clarity and my resolve.

 

I journalled like crazy. (Well, I guess I was a bit crazy). When I got to letting go the stuff that was the hardest to let go of, I discovered a meditation exercise that helped me to let go while keeping a safe place for memories of the good stuff. I posted here about that, too.

 

I used LS, and every other resource I could find, to learn more about what I went through and what I was going through, and to not let myself slack off from the process of grieving the loss of this love.

 

I think a lost love, even one as convoluted and problematic as a love affair, is a loss that I have to fully grieve to truly be done with and to learn from. If I had not gone NC 5 weeks+ ago, I would still be exactly where I was then except I'd still be miserable. Disconsolate. Shattered. Etc. Believe me, NC takes work and it takes time, but it is the way back to balance and perspective. I still have a long way to go, but I am not so fragile any more.

 

I now can say I make no recriminations, and I have no regrets (although I will never let myself get into a R with a married woman again - too little of her in the R, and too much pain in my heart).

 

It will be a while yet before I can entertain any possibility of a new relationship, but I will get there, wiser for the experience (the wonderful as well as the painful).

 

You are not alone, and LS is a great resource. I just suggest that since people have their own stories and issues, and relationships are not cookie cutter, it seems wise to take what seems useful and helpful and leave the rest.

thank you for this post. I am reading and will focus on these behaviors

But I do know he hasn't had sex with her in a year. I have seen the proof of it while they were emailing back and forth when he was away with me on a "business trip". I don't believe if she had your healthy sex drive that he would ever leave her. She has none and doesn't seem to want him. Good for you for having the strength to know what you will not accept and move on.

i will be clear with you - HE only allows you to know what HE wants you to believe.

big difference between that and the truth.

my xH had this other MW believing that our life was miserable and we never had sex. THAT was so far from the truth it isn't even worth thinking about. and that is what ultimately made me so angry - is how much he painted an entirely different picture for her than what out life was together.

but, he wanted HER to believe a lot of things - so HE could get her to go along with what HE wanted...

see what i'm saying? if only the truth was known to all involved - each person could make decisions based on the truth - instead of what someone else intends for us to understand.

i do know this. YOU deserve to be happy. with or without him. he's not available now - so go on and be happy! you deserve it - do not waste another day worrying about what he may or may not do. do the happy part because YOU deserve it.