"I love you" one day DISTANT the next.

Basic story...my guy is distant...as in, we haven't spoken in 5 days of this message distant.

When did it start? Two weeks ago. We're both pretty Christian...(it factors into the story)

Two weeks ago, he disappeared for 3 days. Didn't sign into anything, no myspace, no facebook. I of course freak out (he lives in a high crime area, a lot of break ins have been happening in his neighborhood, so he and his brother are moving) When he came back, he told me he was invited to stay at his parents (his brother was gone on holiday) and apologized for not contacting me, they were wrapped up in doing things (going to the shooting range, planning things since he and his brother are moving out of their house)

I told him he should have emailed me. Heck, CALLED ME. He apologized and said he did try to download msn so we could chat but it wouldn't happen. He gave me a brief rundown of what they did, left for work, said he loved me. That was that.

The next day, we spoke and I told him "You spoke to me on msn before at your parents, why was it suddenly not working now?" He said it asked for an administrative sign in and it wouldn't download. I told him he obviously didn't care enough about me to email me and accused him (off handedly) of being with someone else. It started a big fight on him asking me why won't I trust him, etc, etc (we both have slight trust issues admittedly after being hurt by others)

He says he's had enough of me not trusting him and if I can't realize he's not like that by now, I need to reconsider why I'm even with him. I bring up times he mistrusted me. It just blows up big, he shuts down and apologizes and says he can't "take things anymore." He says he needs a break, he's just mentally under pressure, he's seen something and won't say what. Won't tell me what it is. I go down a list, is it another girl, is it me, what happened. Everything was "No, no. It's personal. I'll get over it." By that night, he's being downright hurtful, questioning his faith, questioning God. Everything.

Within the week, everything has changed. Starts acting nasty to a coworker which he NEVER does, his personality is very mellow and kind. He's detached. Tearful. Depressed. More and more distant. We finally sit and have a long conversation after he gets home from work and I finally worm my way in and he goes on about seeing something online (4chan, don't EVER go there) about these children being abused and wanting to murder the people who did it and asking me questions about "Why does God allow this" etc etc. I try my best to give an answer. He keeps asking "what if" questions and by the end of it, he's as hopeless as ever.

We speak briefly in the coming days. I told him I was sick of how he was taking a mean streak with me and he apologized for his behavior, said I was right, but says he feels so detached from everyone and everything and he didn't want to tell me what's going on because I'd "preach" to him and tell him things he already knows (he gets offended because he says I act more "Christian than he is")

Last time we spoke, the Realtor came and interrupted our conversation. Haven't spoken since. I've called, he doesn't answer, he stopped signing in to his frequent sites (not even youtube and he was a total tube head) and all of his status update on msn (which he doesn't even leave a reply to) are lyrics to depressing songs. I'd asked him prior if I should just change my status on facebook, etc to single (from being in a relationship with *insert his name* and he said "I'm not going to force you to do anything, do what you want, I'm not going to change mine"

Not sure what to do. Some tell me stick it out until he opens up, some say "Not worth it." I've run every scenario in my head, another girl, though he says not, him falling into depression (he's kind of prone to it) and it's getting worse (he randomly mentioned "I'm not going to kill myself) or if I should just keep leaving uplifting mails or just get silent.

Please help.

He is acting like someone who has fallen out of love, but hasn't completely fallen out of love. I'd say he is more than 85% gone, though. That little bit left is where you see the "I love you", the tearfulness, the "miss you", the not wanting to change status - but... it is small compared to the coldness, the not talking to you, defensiveness (yes, there is more than likely another girl in the picture on some level or other - his behavior over 'trust' is a dead giveaway), and so on.

It sounds like he is genuinely dismayed over watching his love for you uncontrollably leak away. When you fall out of love, it can be just as confusing and hurt just as much to the person who is doing the falling out of love as it is to the victim of it. That keeps them hanging on for a while, but it won't stop the process. If there is another girl, or even just the temptation of one, he may be feeling guilty about it and that might be part of his anger as well.

When a person is on the way out, nothing and I do mean nothing will keep them from leaving. They might keep one foot in the door out of guilt/nostalgia/residual emotion - but, the parts that really count are gone.

Don't struggle to hold on to that small and dwindling percent of emotion he still has left for you. It is like trying to hold water in a jug with a thousand tiny holes. Even that percentage shrinks to nothing. When that happens, he will be like an alien to you: cold, distant, short, etc. You only know the person he is when he loves you. You are beginning to see the person he is when he doesn't.

That is why ex's seem like some alien came and kidnapped their brains - because when you get to know someone in the context of a romantic relationship, you aren't seeing 100% of who they are. You are only seeing the percent of them that loves you. The percent that doesn't is a stranger that you never see until they are on the way out, or already gone.

Hang in there. He is leaving: if you hang on, it will simply speed up the process. If you let go, you can both walk away at your own paces. For you own sanity and emotional health, it would be best to treat this like a complete breakup and let him know you need to move on from this pain.

Is this a long distance relationship? I'm confused.

Anyway, I agree, sounds like he's on his way out. My ex was the same, one day everything seemed fine then the next he was spending more time with his friends, contacting me less etc and when he didn't reply to my messages there was always some excuse. I told him it seemed like he didn't want to be with me anymore and he reassured me that this wasn't the case but sure enough a couple of days later he called it off.

Sounds like he's going through a bit of a personal struggle at the moment, you might want to try and be there for him but sometimes when people are in this kind of mindframe your concern can sometimes been seen as you pestering them. My advice would be to just leave him alone for a few days, don't contact him at all unless he contacts you. He'll either breakup with you or hopefully realise you're not chasing him anymore and that he might lose you and get his act together!

When a person is on the way out, nothing and I do mean nothing will keep them from leaving. They might keep one foot in the door out of guilt/nostalgia/residual emotion - but, the parts that really count are gone.

 

Don't struggle to hold on to that small and dwindling percent of emotion he still has left for you. It is like trying to hold water in a jug with a thousand tiny holes. Even that percentage shrinks to nothing. When that happens, he will be like an alien to you: cold, distant, short, etc. You only know the person he is when he loves you. You are beginning to see the person he is when he doesn't.

This part that LucreziaBorgia said is especially true. With my ex I held on for ages, sometimes he'd tell me to leave him alone then send me sad messages but the truth is, his heart wasn't there anymore.

Good luck and hopefully he'll come round!

We are speaking now as I type. A lot came out. I mean a LOT of stuff he was holding in I knew nothing of. A lot of fears he had about himself, about us, about the world. Personal things.

He got upset as well and said "Why can't a guy just honestly need a break to sort things out without people assuming he's got a chick on the side?" He just need spiritual guidance now. We've been spending the last two hours going over religious things (his pursing) and answering questions. We've been talking for over 5 hours now. And it seems like the dam burst.

I have no expectations in this but I'm finally glad he opened up and let me know what was going on. He realizes he was wrong for his behavior and just needs a break but won't push me away anymore.

Thats good that you spoke about things. He seems to be having a battle with his religion at the moment, have you suggested that he goes to speak to someone at your church? ... assuming you go of course. If he feels your approach is too "preachy" then it might help to speak to his priest.

OK here is the deal and this if from many many years of experience.

When someone you normally have contact with every day all of a sudden disappears for three days with zero contact and then has a bunch of lame excuses for it that's is red flag #1. Now, knowing how upset you are about that, if he has nothing to hide and you ask him if he was with someone else he should gently explain to you that was not the case. If they have no guilt they will come up with proof as to what they were doing for the past 3 days, they will try to ease your discomfort with the situation because they don’t want you to worry. If on the other hand you ask them if they were with someone else and they jump down your throat right away, try to put the blame on you by accusing you of doing something wrong, in this case 'your lack of trust', and then not talk to you well you really should worry. He is showing very strong signs of guilt and being caught in a lie.

Take what you want from this but it has happened to me a few times and what I said above has always been the rule not the exception.

He is showing every sign of someone who has cheated.

OK here is the deal and this if from many many years of experience.

When someone you normally have contact with every day all of a sudden disappears for three days with zero contact and then has a bunch of lame excuses for it that's is red flag #1. Now, knowing how upset you are about that, if he has nothing to hide and you ask him if he was with someone else he should gently explain to you that was not the case. If they have no guilt they will come up with proof as to what they were doing for the past 3 days, they will try to ease your discomfort with the situation because they don’t want you to worry. If on the other hand you ask them if they were with someone else and they jump down your throat right away, try to put the blame on you by accusing you of doing something wrong, in this case 'your lack of trust', and then not talk to you well you really should worry. He is showing very strong signs of guilt and being caught in a lie.

 

Take what you want from this but it has happened to me a few times and what I said above has always been the rule not the exception.

 

He is showing every sign of someone who has cheated.

He did and did show proof. Sorry I didn't explain that. His explainations were gentle until I basically side spoke about not believing him and then we had that big "Why don't you believe me then" fight which lead to the "why are you even with me if you don't trust me" and the tit for tat thing...As I said before we have trust issues so...yeah. I may have overreacted but my reaction was warranted considering I was worried sick and he admits that. He should have called.

Thanks Videokid. He's speaking to his father about this. It got rough a few times again, but...what else can I do but pray? I told him I am willing to stick by him like he asked but I'm keeping the option open for finding someone else.

He is acting like someone who has fallen out of love, but hasn't completely fallen out of love. I'd say he is more than 85% gone, though. That little bit left is where you see the "I love you", the tearfulness, the "miss you", the not wanting to change status - but... it is small compared to the coldness, the not talking to you, defensiveness (yes, there is more than likely another girl in the picture on some level or other - his behavior over 'trust' is a dead giveaway), and so on.

 

It sounds like he is genuinely dismayed over watching his love for you uncontrollably leak away. When you fall out of love, it can be just as confusing and hurt just as much to the person who is doing the falling out of love as it is to the victim of it. That keeps them hanging on for a while, but it won't stop the process. If there is another girl, or even just the temptation of one, he may be feeling guilty about it and that might be part of his anger as well.

 

When a person is on the way out, nothing and I do mean nothing will keep them from leaving. They might keep one foot in the door out of guilt/nostalgia/residual emotion - but, the parts that really count are gone.

 

Don't struggle to hold on to that small and dwindling percent of emotion he still has left for you. It is like trying to hold water in a jug with a thousand tiny holes. Even that percentage shrinks to nothing. When that happens, he will be like an alien to you: cold, distant, short, etc. You only know the person he is when he loves you. You are beginning to see the person he is when he doesn't.

 

That is why ex's seem like some alien came and kidnapped their brains - because when you get to know someone in the context of a romantic relationship, you aren't seeing 100% of who they are. You are only seeing the percent of them that loves you. The percent that doesn't is a stranger that you never see until they are on the way out, or already gone.

 

Hang in there. He is leaving: if you hang on, it will simply speed up the process. If you let go, you can both walk away at your own paces. For you own sanity and emotional health, it would be best to treat this like a complete breakup and let him know you need to move on from this pain.

My wife spot ON! Thank you for the analysis.

He is showing every sign of someone who has cheated.

Yep, sorry to say, Christian or not, he's been having thoughts of fornication with another, or acting on them. BTDT.

The simple solution is the silence sandwich. He knows where your door is. He can face you to have sex with you, so he can face you for the rest of relationship issues. Simple

Yep, sorry to say, Christian or not, he's been having thoughts of fornication with another, or acting on them. BTDT.

 

The simple solution is the silence sandwich. He knows where your door is. He can face you to have sex with you, so he can face you for the rest of relationship issues. Simple

Um. we're not sexually active. Who said anything about us having sex?

And I already stated we sat down and spoke. 6 am when he got off work until after 12. Yes, all that time speaking. And explaining. and closing the gap of whatever it was that's going on.

I really wish people would read the entire thing without automatically jumping to conclusions and letting their own completely negative experiences make every situation dead on "just like theirs" It makes people not come here because people honestly come across as being perpetually negative and just hounding for a "S/he's cheating on you" response.

Proof. YES, I spoke to the parents. Unless his mum will pick up for him, then hey. He WAS there for 3 days. Yes, with them, shooting range, house things. Should I upload a voicemail for you?

The parents are having problems and are fighting again. He has this concept of marriage being "forever" and no such thing as divorce so seeing them come close to it in his childhood and having it maybe happen now pretty much rocked the boat.

They're extremely Christian and so is he. So he's acting fatalistic about everything. Oh and he also has this health issue he's so kindly hid from me because it was "personal" No. It's not an STD.

He's having serious issues with his faith right now in addition to all that and the things he told me yesterday seriously...eh...anyway, we almost got back together (him) but I agreed that a break is necessary because I can see myself going crazy with everything that's on the table. I told him he should have just let me know what was going on without acting like I was a complete stranger. I'm not in his "family business" like that but geeze. And the spiritual and health aspect would end up being my problem anyway. I told him that matters of faith aren't to be fought alone. He just isn't grasping that. He's still somewhat detached but...oh well.

Everything isn't always black and white, everyone's distant isn't always because of "cheating" and just because it happened to you that way "many times' means the main source of the equation is YOU picking the same person in a different body. Yes, I have been cheated on, and I AM very hyper suspicious and I don't get by on just an excuse, so I did probe and I did get my answer. But I'm not going to hold what guy A did over guy B when I have those doubts squelched.

It's not fair to the next person and I hope you guys take every relationship by a case by case basis.

Lady, I was a virgin until I was 35, so I can likely understand the dynamic pretty well. If you're not having sex, you're having romance without intercourse. The 'facing' part is exactly the same. Over and out.

Lady, I was a virgin until I was 35, so I can likely understand the dynamic pretty well. If you're not having sex, you're having romance without intercourse. The 'facing' part is exactly the same. Over and out.

Noted and taken and "facing me" is exactly what he did. I just don't know why people assume that I have to be spreading my legs to the guy. :/

And yes, we are having a "romance without intercourse."

How long till someone comes on and says "Well he MUST be cheating because men cannot live without sex, EVER!"

Thanks for the advice.

Fornication does not have to include sex. I fornicated as a married man in an emotional affair which lasted decades. What I'm doing here is sharing advice gained from those experiences and a clear and cold assessment of my own behaviors and words in therapy. Words I spoke; actions I took. Observances of others IRL. Others here, IDK; they have their own experiences. Hope you find your path.

Okay...I'm going to go off on a tangient here, but....

My initial reaction to your story and the thing that stood out was he was acting different because of thing he saw on the internet pertaining to sexual abuse of children.

I'm wondering if something happened to him as a child and seeing this triggered some memories of it.

(their called flashbacks, people repress abuse memories because their subconscious can't handle dealing with it and then something will happen (sight, sound, scent, visual) that will make it all come flooding back.

Just my 2 cents and something that would make sense for him to disappear, shut down, close off, etc..etc...

Fornication does not have to include sex. I fornicated as a married man in an emotional affair which lasted decades. What I'm doing here is sharing advice gained from those experiences and a clear and cold assessment of my own behaviors and words in therapy. Words I spoke; actions I took. Observances of others IRL. Others here, IDK; they have their own experiences. Hope you find your path.

I believe emotional affairs can be worse off than physical ones. Just sex is one thing and that hurts like mad...but to share your hopes, dreams, special things with someone else...I imagine something like that cuts straight to the soul of the one you're with. Do you have any idea why you opened up to someone other than your partner that way and for so long? Was something missing? Thanks for sharing.

Okay...I'm going to go off on a tangient here, but....

My initial reaction to your story and the thing that stood out was he was acting different because of thing he saw on the internet pertaining to sexual abuse of children.

I'm wondering if something happened to him as a child and seeing this triggered some memories of it.

(their called flashbacks, people repress abuse memories because their subconscious can't handle dealing with it and then something will happen (sight, sound, scent, visual) that will make it all come flooding back.

Just my 2 cents and something that would make sense for him to disappear, shut down, close off, etc..etc...

I don't know. He won't tell me anything too deep and when he does, he pulls back, just his mind is a "battlefield" He's so dead set on this that it's almost obsessive to the point where he asked how ok in the eyes of God is it to murder someone who did these things and ask for forgiveness after; about capital punishment and how "acceptable is it" for a Christian to do, scenarios about if he was an executioner what their justice would be...how America has fallen because we house these people with tax dollars, on and on and on.

He no longer wants to have children. He brought up the news about that poor 8 year old girl being kidnapped, raped and buried alive and how things feel so hopeless and this is how the world is and it just went into so many other things wrong and how no matter what we do, it won't matter.

I was molested myself several times, by family...but my reaction wasn't the sort that wished death on people that way...the rage he has was like it triggered something and it's almost an obsession now while asking "Why won't God do something?" and feeling if these people are killed it would send them "to judgment quicker" So while I understand why he's so ANGRY about it, the reaction is WAY too different than mine.

I never heard him speak this way, it's just scary, honestly. He said it's strange how sheltered he has been all these years and reality of life is a burden. It sucks. He comes from a small town very Christian upbringing, sheltered, and I knew this but I didn't know all THIS would happen. I'm overwhelmed and torn between staying around and dealing with this or just backing away because honestly all this talk isn't doing ME any good with my past either, nor is seeing him at this low point.

And now *I* feel like the bad guy for even considering it.

We spoke again, things were normal. He said he had a bad dream where I was with my friends at a fancy place, and he was there. A guy was hitting on me and I was accepting his advances. I didn't know how to react so changed the subject to lighthearted things and we laughed and had a good time...because all the relationship talk wasn't doing us any favors even though it seems he wanted to stick on the subject.

Now I feel depressed. I just want him back the way he was before. Happy, talking about children, family, how we could just move and get a little house, how good God is. Not this angry, vacant, questioning person who shut me out. Now that I'm back in, everything's changed and I feel lost and now I'm ranting and I need to go cry.

Things are...normal now and have been for the past few days. I gave up questioning him about what's wrong even though I was worried.

As soon as I did that and just carried on with him as usual without bringing up the problem, just having fun, he opened up!! He said I was actually "suffocating him with all of my concern" and he wanted to be able to talk to me in his own time.

Seriously, the NEXT DAY after I stopped questioning is "in his own time?"

I feel embarrassed! He said not to feel bad, but I had him basically feeling up against a wall like I was forcing him to tell me. :/

Well, that's my little update.

I give. I just can't do this anymore. He's starting to sink again. Won't even hang out with his coworkers to just do stuff, won't talk to our mutual friends, just work, home, sleep and oh, playing a new videogame he stayed up to get at midnight yesterday/day before.

I can't take seeing him this way. I deleted him off all of our social networks and blocked him. Left him one email a few minutes ago that if he wants to come talk about it, he knows where to find me and I love him but I'm no longer making myself so available just to be seen when he feels like it or otherwise ignored. I know he's depressed and I feel worried but at this stage my own sanity matters more.

Whatever he's going through, since the relationship ended because of it, he can deal with it on his own. I feel like it's dangling himself in front of me and depressed or not, you know better.