Just discovered she cheated - Now what?

Hi Everyone,

Not sure what to do here. Me and my life-partner (we don't believe in marriage... long story) have been together for 9 years. When we first got together, she was coming out of a really terrible relationship. She originally didn't know if she wanted to get into another relationship right away, but we really hit it off and have been together since. Her past relationship was 5 years worth of abuse and her being cheated on. I understood her past issues and helped her repair herself.

I just found out from a friend of a friend that she cheated on me when we first got together. It was a one night stand that happened within the first couple months of us dating. I love her so much and it hurt me to hear this. I confronted her about it and she burst into tears. She confessed immediately and told me the full story of that night. She told me she knew the day would come that I'd find out, and she didn't tell me because she couldnt bear losing me. She apologized and cried, swore that the guilt from the first time prevented her from ever doing it ever again. She told me it was eating her up inside every day and it was the only thing shes ever kept from me over all this time.

I feel like I shouldn't want to be with her anymore, and I feel like I should be angrier than I am... But it isn't happening. Instead, I feel like I understand why she might have been confused in the beginning. She was nervous to get into a relationship from the start, and she was heading down a destructive path. I also believe that shes never since cheated on me because before this moment she has been the most honest and sincere woman I've ever met. I saw the look in her eyes when she confessed everything to me, and I believe her. I love her so much I don't want this to end because of a sole bad decision made almost a decade ago.

What should I do?

If it was a one-night stand nine years ago, and you truly believe the way you do about her, I think you already know what to do. Only you can know how your heart feels.

It would probably be good to consider MC for both of you, just to come to terms with the emotions the two of you must be feeling, as well as building a stronger relationship with clearly defined boundaries of what is acceptable.

I truly wish you all the best. Your wife is fortunate to have someone so understanding.

Blessings, Sazerac

P. S. You may wish to post this in the Infidelity subforum, as you may get additional insights there.

• 9 years ago is a long time
  
• At the beginning of your relationship
  

You have come to a website where a vast majority of people will tell you to leave her!

I say - again.....9 years is a long time ago! If you love her then your relationship will be fine. If she has shown no other signs of this "Behavior" - why chuck it all for this one thing??........One incident that happened WAY BACK THEN?

To the person who told you.......I say shame on them. SHAME ON THEM for digging up things that don't involve them! (sorry - pet-peeve)........Just my opinion

Good Luck to you! I hope it all works out for both of you.

You have come to a website where a vast majority of people will tell you to leave her!

Why do you think this is about this website? I'm curious?

You have come to a website where a vast majority of people will tell you to leave her!

 

I think that is a pretty blanket statement which is not necessarily true. Why try to assume what others think based on other threads?

As you state, this is an entirely different situation than many of the cheaters we read about here and the OP has already stated that it WAS at the beginning of the relationship.

OP, I think you are being a very understanding, strong individual and I commend your strength in wanting to continue what is an obviously strong relationship.

Nine years ago and you felt it necessary to bring it up? What in the world did that accomplish?

If you already felt like you trusted her, loved her and things were going smooth, you felt things would move to a better place by calling her out on a one night stand.

Its obvious that your idea of marriage involved complete 100% surrender and honesty. That is fine, par for the course for a marriage based on faith. But here is the deal. You need to ask her, point blank now that you've brought it up if there is anything else you should know, because the cat is out of the bag on your new found interest in knowing if she indeed is the person you think you are with.

If she is on board with herself and honest, she'll either say you are not enough for her now that she knows you can't trust her or she'll say it really was just a horrible thing that happened and can now you both move on, together.

Nine years ago and you felt it necessary to bring it up? What in the world did that accomplish?

 

Re-read his first post carefully. He "just found out from a friend of a friend."

There are two aspects that bother me. When you say early on in your relationship, how early? Was this prior to her agreeing to be in a relationship?

Also, this friend, who brought this up, 9 years later, I would heavily question their motives.

Hmmm. "We" don't believe in marriage? I find that suspicious. But never mind.

It sounds to me like you have a good relationship. You've been together nine years. You can probably weather this storm. However, as some other psoters have pointed out, the fact this "friend" brought you this information years after the fact is odd. I have to wonder what that person was playing at.

Nine years ago and you felt it necessary to bring it up? What in the world did that accomplish?

I could be wrong, but I understood that he wouldn't have found out about it, except that a friend of a friend told him. That was the first he even knew about it.

I'm not going to tell you to break up with her. If she's never done it again since, then I agree with several of the above posters -- it was a very long time ago, early on in the relationship, and it sounds like there are background circumstances which may explain (though not excuse) what she did. Deciding to stay with her is not unreasonable.

If the two of you were exclusive way back then, she definitely should have come clean at the time. Yes, that may have ended the relationship way back then, and the fact that you two have since built a strong nine-year relationship together doesn't justify her keeping that important info from you. She made a decision about your life that wasn't hers to make.

Having said that, however -- fortunately, it worked out well. I do think you should have a serious talk with her, as to whether or not there's other things you need to be aware of.

Also, before this all came up, has she seemed evasive in the past? Have there been things she's secretive about? Have you ever noticed any suspicious behaviour on her part (closing down internet windows when you walk in the room, lots of calls on her cell phone to an unidentified number you can't identify, mysterious unexplained absences)?

If you can answer "no" to those questions, then overall, I think this is one of those cases where you should deal with the issue together, put it behind you both, and move forward.

(ETA -- she should tell you who the OM was back then, and you need to know if she's still in contact with him. Because she shouldn't be.)

What should I do?

Forgive her and get on with your life together.

She has apparently spent the last 8 1/2 years being a good trustworthy partner.

Do you want to throw that away over a moment of emotional confusion early in your relationship before she could even really know what she was endangering?

Consider it her rebound.

Don`t dare ever throw it in her face either.

Forgive her and get on with your life together.

 

She has apparently spent the last 8 1/2 years being a good trustworthy partner.

 

Do you want to throw that away over a moment of emotional confusion early in your relationship before she could even really know what she was endangering?

 

Consider it her rebound.

 

Don`t dare ever throw it in her face either.

I agree with this. Were the two of you exclusive at that time? It seems really early on. I would say if exclusivity wasn't established then it really isn't cheating. Most people date around in the beginning.

I hope you can find a way to move forward and have peace.

It doesn't matter that it was 9 years ago, you just found out so it is still fresh and extremely hurtful. She was never going to confess, it just so happens a friend told you. Now I am sure that if she was remorseful she could have told you a lot sooner. I feel your pain. She's basically been lying to you for 9 years. That isn't easy, betrayal is not easy especially when you are in love with the person.

You also never know if she has other secrets she is keeping from you. You say you know but you really never do. I mean look at what you just recently found out. You seem like you can get past this which is great I give you a lot of credit! I would suggest counseling if you do have trouble getting over this.

Best of luck to you!

Yes, the cheating would bother me. I think that me finding out thru a friend of a friend would make it even worse for me. You should have been told the truth so that you could make an honest choice over the relationship. Now you know the truth.

When you say early on in your relationship, how early?

"within the first couple months of us dating"

I pretty much love unconditionally. If I found out she was "cheating" on me yesterday, well. I loved her before, I'll still love her. I'm not claiming that I wouldn't be hurt, but I'm a big boy. If she suddenly confessed to wanting to leave. Well. I'd talk it over. She could leave, I'd take care of the kids. If she came back. She'd be welcome.

We can't chain others except in our delusions. They'll come or go as they please. It's like flying a falcon. The falcon is no good in a cage. The falcon belongs in the world. The miracle isn't that we can train them to come back. It's that they come back. Period.

Lying by omission. Well. I omit stuff all the time. I don't like it. I don't get a good response mostly to opening up about things. I'm getting better at it. Maybe she'll get better at it. I admitted to my wife that my friend kissed me. She was OK with that. This is my friend from last year. I suspect she suspected that more than mild flirting happened under the influence of alcohol. Hey, she got drunk and sat in a female neighbor's lap, and necked with her. I didn't mind until she got ill, then I put her to bed.

I actually prefer someone with me to be free, to be by me by choice.

I pretty much love unconditionally. If I found out she was "cheating" on me yesterday, well. I loved her before, I'll still love her. I'm not claiming that I wouldn't be hurt, but I'm a big boy. If she suddenly confessed to wanting to leave. Well. I'd talk it over. She could leave, I'd take care of the kids. If she came back. She'd be welcome.

 

We can't chain others except in our delusions. They'll come or go as they please. It's like flying a falcon. The falcon is no good in a cage. The falcon belongs in the world. The miracle isn't that we can train them to come back. It's that they come back. Period.

 

Lying by omission. Well. I omit stuff all the time. I don't like it. I don't get a good response mostly to opening up about things. I'm getting better at it. Maybe she'll get better at it. I admitted to my wife that my friend kissed me. She was OK with that. This is my friend from last year. I suspect she suspected that more than mild flirting happened under the influence of alcohol. Hey, she got drunk and sat in a female neighbor's lap, and necked with her. I didn't mind until she got ill, then I put her to bed.

 

I actually prefer someone with me to be free, to be by me by choice.

I can understand that attitude. Your whole post really.

I just found out from a friend of a friend that she cheated on me when we first got together. It was a one night stand that happened within the first couple months of us dating. I love her so much and it hurt me to hear this. I confronted her about it and she burst into tears. She confessed immediately and told me the full story of that night. She told me she knew the day would come that I'd find out, and she didn't tell me because she couldnt bear losing me. She apologized and cried, swore that the guilt from the first time prevented her from ever doing it ever again. She told me it was eating her up inside every day and it was the only thing shes ever kept from me over all this time.

Anyway, it's out there now and her actions will support the words she has spoken. Transparency is a healthy thing. I know she wants that now. She will be proactive. Watch for that part. Good luck

"within the first couple months of us dating"

Good point, but re-read my observation. If they were not exclusive, why the tearful 'confession' and nine years of 'guilt every day'? Evidently, her words are saying something. My advice to the OP is to look to actions. Words are what they are. I got plenty of them in my M.

People say and do things, for the best possible results, including using tears as a weapon. If she had stood firm on it not being cheating, I wonder what his reaction would have been?

There's a good possibility she did feel bad about it, but that doesn't mean they defined exclusivity. Nine years is a long time to remember every detail.

Perhaps the OP can expand on that nuance. The parameters of this disclosure got my spidey sense going....something is not right here....

It would bother me but the mitigating circumstances is that it was in the beginning of your relationship and 9 years ago.

I'd stay but keep an eye out for evidence that she's really into me. Basically it'd better be porn star sex for a few years to reassure me that she digs me, really digs me. Basically I need to be convinced that she's not merely settling for a relationship and stability...any relationship...

To those who are about to say what about the past 9 years, isn't that enough. Sorry, there are plenty of people (women or men) who would stay in a stable and comfortable and relatively passionless relationship even if they are not really digging their partner just to be in a relationship. I don't want to be involved in one of those.

But that's me.

Hey theguyguy, have you read elrooster's thread? I think the two of you have a lot in common, as in similar personalities and attitudes, hence can help each other through your trials.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t224948/

I love her so much I don't want this to end because of a sole bad decision made almost a decade ago.

 

What should I do?

You answered your own question.