Turns out she was talking to him before she broke up with me?

So, I posted my story before (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t219882/) and the entire thread was about what I should do in order to get over the situation, and at the same time make her want me back, so to speak.

During the end of the relationship, there was a guy she was 'friends' with whom she would text, and she knew it bothered me. She spoke highly of him, and he lives in another state so them hanging out wasn't really a big thing to worry about.

It's all making sense now, in that she had been talking to him (texts, etc), became disinterested in me, began detaching herself, then finally got the guts to break up with me (though I wouldn't call a text message breakup anything that requires much in the way of spine).

I came to find out tonight, that he will be visiting her this weekend. I was browsing online, and a friend of mine who also knows the guy, sent me his status message which was "__ in 4 Days <3" (__ being the state she lives in.)

She spoke highly of him, and told me about how much he had changed since. He used to hook up with lots of girls, drunk at parties, etc. And I don't even believe that he's changed at all.

Basically, what should I do in order to make her realize that I know what's been going on, and to let it be known that she is not smooth, nor is she aware of what it means to truly "love" someone, which she says she did. I want to tell her this stuff before the weekend, which would break NC, but it'd also begin a completely new stage of NC, in which I'd have no reason to go back to talking to her. I no longer want any form of reconciliation.

My other choice, is to let her have a good time, do whatever with him this weekend, and then later down the road, if she tries coming back to me, telling her then, that I know what she has been up to, etc.

This is a tougher situation for me than the original breakup was, I think. I don't wan her to think she's getting away as smoothly as she thinks. I'm not trying to be vengeful, I just don't want a terrible person to get away with doing terrible things and not having any consequences to pay.

I also have been considering calling her mom just to see how she's been doing. I had a very strong relationship with her parents, and they even told her how dumb she'd be to ever lose me. They completely adored me. I'm not sure if this would be a good idea or not, but I would like to hear what they have to say, kind of.

-----Sorry for any typos, I typed this while I was in a bit of a bitter mood.

Hi JB,

stop to think carefully, you know the situation better then me, will it really change anything or make a difference if you say anything? why bother, as for her parents, they may love you to death, but them getting involved may only push her away more...

To me as an outsider I don't see it worth the risk....

LiL

Hi JB,

stop to think carefully, you know the situation better then me, will it really change anything or make a difference if you say anything? why bother, as for her parents, they may love you to death, but them getting involved may only push her away more...

 

To me as an outsider I don't see it worth the risk....

 

LiL

Well, I wouldn't even be looking at it as me trying to get her back or anything.

They completely adored me, her father told her to her face, in front of me, that if she ****ed up and lost me, it'd be the biggest mistake she'd make, because I was genuine, etc.

It'd just be somewhat gratifying to hear their take on the whole thing, because I am confident that they don't approve much of the whole situation.

As for pushing her away, I don't want reconciliation. I want her to realize what she's done, and I'm not sure what the best approach would be for that.

Why do you want her to realise that for? Think carefully about this. I know for most of us our emotions are not in check and last thing you want to do is make a fool out of yourself. She knows what she did and she's still going through with it, despite what you will say to her. If she does not learn from it, it is her loss. You just have to focus on yourself. Let her be. She is not worth the effort, trust me.

Hey JB,

if your not looking to work things out with her, be it relationship or what have it, then there's really no risk involved I suppose, in which case, get what it is on your chest off your chest and let her know exactly how you feel, as it looks like it will make you feel better about things...just becareful your not going to have regrets is all.

LiL

Why do you want her to realise that for? Think carefully about this. I know for most of us our emotions are not in check and last thing you want to do is make a fool out of yourself. She knows what she did and she's still going through with it, despite what you will say to her. If she does not learn from it, it is her loss. You just have to focus on yourself. Let her be. She is not worth the effort, trust me.

This exactly what I'm trying to convince myself of, but at the same time, I don't want her to think that I'm completely clueless, nor do I want her to think she's as smooth as she thinks. If she feels no guilt, screw her, yeah. But at the same time, I want her to feel at least a taste of what I've been going through. As least-vengefully as possible, if that makes sense.

Don't mean to be so blatant but who cares what she thinks. She can think she is the hottest girl in the world with the loveliest personality for all you care. Most important thing is that you know what she is like. Red flags were waving when she spoke a lot about that guy, texts him frequently and texting you to break-up, which is cowardly might I add. Remember, she does not matter to you anymore. You are not clueless in this matter and have perceived her correctly. She can continue to think she is an angel all she wants. Suck it up and don't worry about making it known. Pro, you get her back a bit and she knows that you knows but she'll still continue on with her life merely unscathed. Con, you make a complete ass out of yourself for contacting her and she will go on dating this guy. It is not worth it. YOU know and that's what's essential here. Take care of yourself.

Don't mean to be so blatant but who cares what she thinks. She can think she is the hottest girl in the world with the loveliest personality for all you care. Most important thing is that you know what she is like. Red flags were waving when she spoke a lot about that guy, texts him frequently and texting you to break-up, which is cowardly might I add. Remember, she does not matter to you anymore. You are not clueless in this matter and have perceived her correctly. She can continue to think she is an angel all she wants. Suck it up and don't worry about making it known. Pro, you get her back a bit and she knows that you knows but she'll still continue on with her life merely unscathed. Con, you make a complete ass out of yourself for contacting her and she will go on dating this guy. It is not worth it. YOU know and that's what's essential here. Take care of yourself.

A+

Now I just have to accept it and coping with that is going to be beyond difficult.

Wow Im going through EXACTLY the same thing. My ex started talking to a guy in another state and we broke up on facebook. She insisted they were just friends but found out last week that they were more than friends. I called her out on it, and she didnt care that I knew. I got to tell her that I never wanted to talk or see her ever again, woo hoo me *sarcasm* it was stupid of me to call. It was just showing that I still cared, and she just showed how much she didnt care. I haven't talked to her since that day (8 days ago) but she has tried to contact me to get some stuff from my house. I didn't reply. I know it hurts like hell man, but it creates a fire inside of you that will make NC much easier. Best of luck my friend, we are in this together.

Wow Im going through EXACTLY the same thing. My ex started talking to a guy in another state and we broke up on facebook. She insisted they were just friends but found out last week that they were more than friends. I called her out on it, and she didnt care that I knew. I got to tell her that I never wanted to talk or see her ever again, woo hoo me *sarcasm* it was stupid of me to call. It was just showing that I still cared, and she just showed how much she didnt care. I haven't talked to her since that day (8 days ago) but she has tried to contact me to get some stuff from my house. I didn't reply. I know it hurts like hell man, but it creates a fire inside of you that will make NC much easier. Best of luck my friend, we are in this together.

Man, it's relieving hearing that I'm not the only one with this problem. The worst part is, she hasn't only been talking to him, but finding out that he's visiting her for the weekend, valentine's day weekend at that...just makes me so much more pissed for buying into any feelings that were 'shared.'

Still working on NC.

That is the thing, if you did do something and made it known that you knew what she was doing all along, then it shows that you still care and the response you get could be devastating as SoVicious has described. You would be copping unnecessary punishment, whilst feeding her ego as she dates this other guy.

I recommend deleting her number off your phone, deleting her off facebook and any IMs. Basically, cut off all contact from her. She has things going on in her life that you seriously don't want to know. If you find out, it will set you back a bit. So, don't have anymore contact with her.

It is normal to feel angry, frustrated and upset about this. You have every right to feel that way because she said things back then that you trusted and now you feel that maybe she did not really feel that way. Learn from your mistakes in the matter and do not let anyone treat you this way in the future. Take our you frustrations by working out a lot and go hang out with your friends. Anger is good, it is part of the grieving process.

Take care of yourself.

Oh well we are in the same boat there also, my ex confessed that she has hooked up with two guys since she broke up with me, as well as talking to the guy from another state.

Take counterman's advice. Block her from everything and delete her number. Surround yourself with friends, it will make you feel better, trust me.

Will you still think of her during these times out?

Of course you will, but you wont think of her as much as you will if you are sitting at home, feeling sorry for yourself. And hey(i know this is the last thing on your mind) but you might find a girl you find attractive while going and out and forget all about whatshernameagain??? haha. Tough times I know my friend, but there are better days just on the horizon.

I've been doing my best to keep busy since the whole breakup happened 3 weeks ago, it's a shame I'm in the middle of a blizzard, so I can't go anywhere, but at least now I guess I have no desire for reconciliation, which is what was constantly on my mind before. Now I just have to convince myself to not say something to her, even it were as simple as "Really f cking cool, I'm glad you didn't lie or anything, and leave me for someone else like you promised me wasn't the case"

Doing my best to just ignore her though, I deleted her on everything.

JB You need to start to disconnect. become ambivalent. Start to delete her from your life, facebook and everything else where she cannot contact you. I would box up all her crap go to her parents house and drop it off. and cut that avenue off. If you see her parents out in the street, be cordial and nice but dont be around if it has anything to do with your ex.

She is your ex, it's time to move on, she made her choice. Sounds to me like she used you until the next man came along. some women do that. Just pretend and then when it's time to leave. it's time. they'll do anything they can to get out of it. So forget her.

JB You need to start to disconnect. become ambivalent. Start to delete her from your life, facebook and everything else where she cannot contact you. I would box up all her crap go to her parents house and drop it off. and cut that avenue off. If you see her parents out in the street, be cordial and nice but dont be around if it has anything to do with your ex.

 

She is your ex, it's time to move on, she made her choice. Sounds to me like she used you until the next man came along. some women do that. Just pretend and then when it's time to leave. it's time. they'll do anything they can to get out of it. So forget her.

I know, I know. I just don't want her to be able to feel like she got away with it as smoothly as she thinks. I guess it's more of wanting that feeling of gratification, knowing that she has at least somewhat of a feeling of regret like, "Oh sh*t, he found out..."

I know, I know. I just don't want her to be able to feel like she got away with it as smoothly as she thinks. I guess it's more of wanting that feeling of gratification, knowing that she has at least somewhat of a feeling of regret like, "Oh sh*t, he found out..."

She' knows you know!!!

SHE DOESNT GIVE A DAMN!

The only way to make her regret it is if she attempts to communicate with you, then you drop the bomb on her. either she'll deny it or she'll be remorseful but until then she doesnt care. When or if this guy becomes a scumbag and reverts to his old ways then it'll happen until then live your life free of stupidity.

She' knows you know!!!

 

SHE DOESNT GIVE A DAMN!

 

The only way to make her regret it is if she attempts to communicate with you, then you drop the bomb on her. either she'll deny it or she'll be remorseful but until then she doesnt care. When or if this guy becomes a scumbag and reverts to his old ways then it'll happen until then live your life free of stupidity.

I'm not sure if she does know that I know, because she's hidden everything from me, the only reason I know about this is because the clown posted it as a myspace status thing, and you don't have to be his friend to see it. I know she wouldn't have put that out there though, she's done her best to hide it thus far.

I think I'm going to do my best to just keep from contacting her though. I deleted her from the final thing this morning, and I'm on my way to talking to other girls, and doing my best to keeping my mind off this whole ****ed up situation. It's hard.

Just wanted to give you some comparisons to think about.

During the end of the relationship, there was a guy she was 'friends' with whom she would text, and she knew it bothered me. She spoke highly of him, and he lives in another state so them hanging out wasn't really a big thing to worry about.

My ex-wife was having couples activities planned together with the person she cheated on me with and his wife that I started to protest about because I didn't really enjoy hanging out with them but I didn't worry about it.

It's all making sense now, in that she had been talking to him (texts, etc), became disinterested in me, began detaching herself, then finally got the guts to break up with me (though I wouldn't call a text message breakup anything that requires much in the way of spine).

I don't think you can ever mention "(having) the guts" when it comes to these types of cowards. There's nothing brave at all about setting up your next nest to flee to before taking care of your current relationship.

Basically, what should I do in order to make her realize that I know what's been going on, and to let it be known that she is not smooth, nor is she aware of what it means to truly "love" someone, which she says she did. I want to tell her this stuff before the weekend, which would break NC, but it'd also begin a completely new stage of NC, in which I'd have no reason to go back to talking to her. I no longer want any form of reconciliation.

 

My other choice, is to let her have a good time, do whatever with him this weekend, and then later down the road, if she tries coming back to me, telling her then, that I know what she has been up to, etc.

 

This is a tougher situation for me than the original breakup was, I think. I don't wan her to think she's getting away as smoothly as she thinks. I'm not trying to be vengeful, I just don't want a terrible person to get away with doing terrible things and not having any consequences to pay.

There's nothing you can do that will matter to her. She's moved on. It also pains me to admit that there are no consequences. There is no "karma" that will "get them in the end". God won't punish them as it says He will in the bible. In my ex-wife's case, it's practically accepted that what they did was okay because "they're happy now" and God has blessed them with a child while I'm back to being alone for trying to live right with noone to carry on my bloodline.

I also have been considering calling her mom just to see how she's been doing. I had a very strong relationship with her parents, and they even told her how dumb she'd be to ever lose me. They completely adored me. I'm not sure if this would be a good idea or not, but I would like to hear what they have to say, kind of.

Not a good idea, in my opinion. Regardless of what you think they thought about you, they will always justify/understand whatever their child has done over anything else. My ex-MIL saw me in public and tried to have a conversation with me while I was waiting in line as if her daughter had never committed adultery against me.

Sorry you're going through it, it sucks, and life's not fair.

Just wanted to give you some comparisons to think about.

 

 

 

My ex-wife was having couples activities planned together with the person she cheated on me with and his wife that I started to protest about because I didn't really enjoy hanging out with them but I didn't worry about it.

 

 

 

I don't think you can ever mention "(having) the guts" when it comes to these types of cowards. There's nothing brave at all about setting up your next nest to flee to before taking care of your current relationship.

 

 

 

 

There's nothing you can do that will matter to her. She's moved on. It also pains me to admit that there are no consequences. There is no "karma" that will "get them in the end". God won't punish them as it says He will in the bible. In my ex-wife's case, it's practically accepted that what they did was okay because "they're happy now" and God has blessed them with a child while I'm back to being alone for trying to live right with noone to carry on my bloodline.

 

 

 

 

Not a good idea, in my opinion. Regardless of what you think they thought about you, they will always justify/understand whatever their child has done over anything else. My ex-MIL saw me in public and tried to have a conversation with me while I was waiting in line as if her daughter had never committed adultery against me.

 

Sorry you're going through it, it sucks, and life's not fair.

It's really not. At least I'm not still trying to get reconciliation though, I'm just struggling with accepting how hard I got ****ed over.

The first step is to know if it is really worth persuing her. Is your relationship still worth persuing. You need to know instinctively if she still may care for you . If she is interested in another guy the first thing to do is to back off. What you want is to attract her back .

JB, I actually do believe in Karma because I've been on both ends of it in past relationships. I've had women screw me over and I've screwed some over as well by not appreciating what I had.

And just when I thought I had learned my lesson and moved halfway across the world to marry my ex-fiance and live happily ever after, things fell apart as well. Now i'm back where I started with no idea what the future holds, although that's not neccesarily a bad thing.

She's not your friend and never will be your friend. Friends don't do shady **** like this behind your back. At the end of the day we are all looking for partners who are built for the long haul. My ex was the most beautiful woman you could imagine and because of that she thought she was justified to act however she wants. Well, in time looks fade and all you are left with is your character. You did nothing wrong and I can tell that your character is strong just by being here and continuing to try and fight for things, although they are not worth fighting for anymore. Stick to NC as everyone else has said. DO NOT bring any of the stuff you saw or heard up to anyone she's involved with. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing anything about you going forward.

Good luck

DS

JB, I actually do believe in Karma because I've been on both ends of it in past relationships. I've had women screw me over and I've screwed some over as well by not appreciating what I had.

 

And just when I thought I had learned my lesson and moved halfway across the world to marry my ex-fiance and live happily ever after, things fell apart as well. Now i'm back where I started with no idea what the future holds, although that's not neccesarily a bad thing.

 

She's not your friend and never will be your friend. Friends don't do shady **** like this behind your back. At the end of the day we are all looking for partners who are built for the long haul. My ex was the most beautiful woman you could imagine and because of that she thought she was justified to act however she wants. Well, in time looks fade and all you are left with is your character. You did nothing wrong and I can tell that your character is strong just by being here and continuing to try and fight for things, although they are not worth fighting for anymore. Stick to NC as everyone else has said. DO NOT bring any of the stuff you saw or heard up to anyone she's involved with. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing anything about you going forward.

 

Good luck

 

DS

Well, there's no chance that I'd ever want to be friends with her, much less date her again. Like I said, I'm doing my best to just accept that I really got screwed over big time. I wish I could just say "oh well, you live and learn" but in this case, I have to question everything she told me she felt, since she breached my trust. It's been about a week and a half of no contact, and I'm not planning on speaking to her or anything. She has no use for me anymore, I'm guessing, since she will be with him this weekend. She is just in this for the attention, and I wish I could have seen that before I believed some of the things she told me.

For awhile people told me not to buy into her 'happiness' that she openly shared on facebook and stuff, they said it was a facade. But looking back on it, I'm convinced that it's not a complete facade, and that she is happy. She broke up with me on her own terms, she's not mature enough to feel guilt. Which really sucks.

JB my friend, hope you dont mind my say again.

you have not in anyway as you keep saying been fu*ked over. you have ridded yourself of a parasite that was stopping you becoming an even better man to another beautiful girl.

you need to understand while your behaving like this in a way shes winning, its affecting you. thats what she will be aiming to do. at the end of the day why should you be bothered?

Accept that she wasn’t the one. She was just a girl, whatever your brain might tell you. You have a “her” hole in your stomach right now, and you probably think that only she can fill it. But what the hole really is is just a woman shaped hole, and any women can fill it.

you know just as much as i do the fate that the guy shes with is going to get. you think its much different than yours? she wont change. a good reason to get over her as well. even if you did get back together a month down the line. and your straight back to square one.

THE BEST PART OF IT ALL!

she will eventually rebound with this guy. no matter what anyone say they cannot just "get over" someone in an instant. you cant "be in love" like starting a car. you cant "not love" someone as fast as shooting a gun.

guess who will be the first person she will think of when rebounding or if nothing works with this guy? yup most likely you. shell come crawling back thinking at least someone will have her until she finds another.

you control your life. you decided who you want. you decide whats best for you! dont let one girl get a hold of your emotions. yes its hard but at the end of the day there is someone much better for YOU out there!!!

look after yourself and heal! get texting some other girls! get abit flirty! do what you want. because you can now! your free!

i got finished a month ago now. its our aniversary on sunday. yeah i miss her. but my friend why should i waste so much energy, time and emotion on someone that doesnt want to be with me? ask yourself that!

remember you learn from any mistakes and you make things better for your new partner! keep a smile on your face! be happy! you WILL find someone, but only when you let go and move on! you need to be happy!

If you dont feel like moving on yet then follow my very easy steps below!

1. you have to let everything out! no emotions can be left! cry cry cry! its the start of healing!

2. plan things to do! always keep yourself busy! gym, football ect (amazing how much you can do as a single!)

3. Dont try to find out how the ex is. just live! forget them. you never thought about them before you met them. why should you now?

4. get out and start admiring women again! even if you dont want a relationship! theres nothing better than going out and seeing a FOX walk past and you thinking woooo!

5. Try taliking to other girls!! nothing beats a good old flirt! even swapping numbers! hey you never no. could be mrs right!

and then the last step...

FINALLY LET GO...

say to yourself look how much fun i have had without her. i must of been one hell of a boring sod beforehand!

jb you know mate that you can do all this!! and when you do you will feel so much better!!!

and in regards to contacting her. there really is no reason why you should or shouldnt. i text mine. i put

i do not want to be friends with you or talk to you. i dont think its wise for either of us to still get in our ways. im a decent guy and tbh i do feel much happier now. lets just go our seperate ways and live our own lives

i said it because i felt then like i had ended it. i know sounds wierd but it finally just lets go. it helps youmove on to have that final say!

IM SURE WE CAN ALL LEARN FROM THIS ESSAY!

JB my friend, hope you dont mind my say again.

 

you have not in anyway as you keep saying been fu*ked over. you have ridded yourself of a parasite that was stopping you becoming an even better man to another beautiful girl.

 

you need to understand while your behaving like this in a way shes winning, its affecting you. thats what she will be aiming to do. at the end of the day why should you be bothered?

Accept that she wasn’t the one. She was just a girl, whatever your brain might tell you. You have a “her” hole in your stomach right now, and you probably think that only she can fill it. But what the hole really is is just a woman shaped hole, and any women can fill it.

 

you know just as much as i do the fate that the guy shes with is going to get. you think its much different than yours? she wont change. a good reason to get over her as well. even if you did get back together a month down the line. and your straight back to square one.

 

THE BEST PART OF IT ALL!

 

she will eventually rebound with this guy. no matter what anyone say they cannot just "get over" someone in an instant. you cant "be in love" like starting a car. you cant "not love" someone as fast as shooting a gun.

guess who will be the first person she will think of when rebounding or if nothing works with this guy? yup most likely you. shell come crawling back thinking at least someone will have her until she finds another.

 

you control your life. you decided who you want. you decide whats best for you! dont let one girl get a hold of your emotions. yes its hard but at the end of the day there is someone much better for YOU out there!!!

look after yourself and heal! get texting some other girls! get abit flirty! do what you want. because you can now! your free!

 

i got finished a month ago now. its our aniversary on sunday. yeah i miss her. but my friend why should i waste so much energy, time and emotion on someone that doesnt want to be with me? ask yourself that!

 

remember you learn from any mistakes and you make things better for your new partner! keep a smile on your face! be happy! you WILL find someone, but only when you let go and move on! you need to be happy!

 

If you dont feel like moving on yet then follow my very easy steps below!

 

1. you have to let everything out! no emotions can be left! cry cry cry! its the start of healing!

 

2. plan things to do! always keep yourself busy! gym, football ect (amazing how much you can do as a single!)

 

3. Dont try to find out how the ex is. just live! forget them. you never thought about them before you met them. why should you now?

 

4. get out and start admiring women again! even if you dont want a relationship! theres nothing better than going out and seeing a FOX walk past and you thinking woooo!

 

5. Try taliking to other girls!! nothing beats a good old flirt! even swapping numbers! hey you never no. could be mrs right!

 

and then the last step...

 

FINALLY LET GO...

say to yourself look how much fun i have had without her. i must of been one hell of a boring sod beforehand!

 

jb you know mate that you can do all this!! and when you do you will feel so much better!!!

 

and in regards to contacting her. there really is no reason why you should or shouldnt. i text mine. i put

 

i do not want to be friends with you or talk to you. i dont think its wise for either of us to still get in our ways. im a decent guy and tbh i do feel much happier now. lets just go our seperate ways and live our own lives

 

i said it because i felt then like i had ended it. i know sounds wierd but it finally just lets go. it helps youmove on to have that final say!

 

IM SURE WE CAN ALL LEARN FROM THIS ESSAY!

Man, I think you've been here pretty much since I started sharing my story, and everything you've said has helped. I actually contacted her last Tuesday to tell her what you texted your ex; that I wasn't able to handle being friends, I still had feelings for her, and I requested for her to not talk to me.

It doesn't sound like much, but I haven't tried checking any of her friend's online pages, facebook, etc, in 2 days now, although it's hard resisting. Curiosity killed the cat though, so I'm doing my best to stay away from it.

Thank you again to everyone who has helped me thus far through this mess.

its because you have done a great job! you have done everything right to set yourself up for a new life! and a perfect new love! you shouldnt give in! and im the same at the moment. im like hmmm wonder what shes doing...facebo...no dont!...imagine if you was to go on and it said "had a great nyt last nyt with the new fella!" you would crunch inside!

i have you to thank also! by reading your story and reflecting on my own i actually managed tolet go of my ex....how i did that ill never know. i guess i just needed to listen to my own advice also and hey its been good talking to you! your story has created paths for me in my head which i was able to answer through answering your questions!...it is really wierd how its worked!

i hope you do keep us posted! thers nothing better than talking to a bunch of guys in the same boat! because none of us will take sides...you will only get neutral decisions that will make you understand and move on!

i followed this from day one as you said i like to see a happy ending to a story. when i see you post " met a gorgeos new girl who loves me for me and respects me for the man i am" ill be happy!