Going separate ways, sigh

I have been lurking for a while gaining a lot of good perspectives but hoping I can post and get your thoughts... I am 38, wife is 40. We have been married for 8 years, and have known each other for about 12 years. Two kids, 7 and 3. My wife and I have a pretty good personality fit in that we are both pretty laid back and can talk easily. I can't imagine us never not being at least friends. And we have a lot of similar viewpoints on some key issues like finances and such.

That being said, we have really drifted apart once the kids came into the picture. (I know this is normal to some degree.) We used to be very active, going out a lot, doing activities like hiking and such. When she became pregnant with my first son, she took it very easy (for good reason), and then when the baby was born, she was often quite tired. We did very little. My wife badly wanted a second boy for myriad reasons that aren't really important. She was pretty clear that she would be very unhappy without the second kid. I told her that I could be convinced, but I brought my concerns to the table - we don't go out, our intimacy has gone way down, etc. - and I blamed it largely on having a young kid. It did not really make sense to add another one to the mix, I said. Long story short, she ended up convincing me by saying if I put in the effort for a second kid, she would make the effort to get out with me more, spend more alone time with me, etc. etc. It was really important to her, and I believed her about her side of the deal, so she won and I have 2 wonderful boys.

However, the situation between us has just gotten worse. In the last 6 years she has gained about 40 pounds, she rarely makes herself free for alone time, and she seems less and less concerned about intimacy. She takes me for granted in this department. I have tried so many things. Most nights, she takes a spare mattress into the boys room to sleep with them. She will not agree to a night out alone for fear of the boys not being with her. (Keep in mind these boys are 7 and 3, they are NOT newborn by any stretch.) One night I tried to be a little different by going into her closet and laying out some lingerie. She saw it and was furious because she did not recognize her own lingerie and accused me of having another woman over.

Activity wise, I play soccer and softball. I have started hitting the gym to get myself in better shape (I am about 15 pounds overweight) - mainly for myself but also figuring it might "lead by example". I have some RL friends to spend time watching football or playing poker, and some online friends as well. I am pretty active, in other words. She spends her down time watching TV and doing Facebook. Her idea of a fun day/night is going on playdates and chatting with other moms. A few weeks back, I asked her, "If you and I were going on a first date right now, what would be your idea of a fun night out?" Her answer, "I'd ask you over and we'd drink a beer and chat." Hmmm.

Anyway, about 4 weeks ago, a switch just seemed to go off in my head that I am not happy and I'm done trying. It scared me. I asked my wife to go to marriage counselling and she agreed. But I listen to my wife at these sessions and her perception of our problems is not at all accurate. She is actually quite happy with the exception of the fact I am now quite sad. I think she is trying hard to work with me, but it just isn't happening.

I feel terrible, like I'm an awful marriage partner. But I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I'm growing, trying to be better, trying to stay active, trying to stay young. I feel like my wife is very content to be a mother at the expense of being my mate. Every day that goes by, I feel like we drift further apart.

I have been considering the idea of separating for a while with the ground rules that we can date. I do not know if this is exactly the 180 that I read about here, but it seems like it would help. She might miss me. She might remember what it is like to want to impress your mate once in a while, and stop being a mom for a while and start being a date, or a lover, or partner. And if she doesn't, have I really lost anything? But then I think of my boys and how special they are. Sorry to ramble.

One question, have you told your wife everything you just told us? All the concerns, how you feel taken for granted, how you're not happy, everything?

Whether it's in counseling, or one on one, she needs to know EXACTLY how you feel. Let her know you are considering a seperation. Eventually you are going to have to tell her, "whether you think so or not, our marriage is fractured and needs to be fixed. Work with me to fix it, or we need to consider other options such as seperation or D". I'm not saying S or D, but let her know that's what could happen.

One of two things are occurring:

1. She doesn't see the problems in your marriage, or

2. She doesn't care.

Yes, with the exception of the weight thing I have told her all this. I have mentioned the separation and she does not want that to happen. I think she is trying in her own way. But it is like bailing water from a boat with a hole in it - if you don't fix the hole all the bailing in the world doesn't help.

I don't know if this makes any sense but it's like a mindset thing. She has told me that her big issue is me helping around the house. So I think I have gone out of my way to show her I'm trying. I've been doing little extras, etc. I have also made it clear that my issues have to do with activities and sex. But I'm not seeing that same sort of "Look at what I'm trying to show you here" effort that I've tried to give her.

It's really sad because she is a wonderful person. But, like I told her, I don't think my relationship with her (or the kids for that matter) would change too terribly much if I moved out and lived in the house next door. I have half-jokingly told her that we are like "roommates with occasional benefits". And even though I don't think she liked that analogy I think she sees some truth in it.