Lost my mind major depression Struggling (long)

Ok met my ex 6 yrs ago, we had a child 2 yrs into the relationship who is now gone 3 1/2 yrs old.

2 and a half years ago i found out she had cheated on me right at the very beginning and found out stuff about her past, she had been abused by her father in her early teens and was raped by 2 people whilst i was getting to know her and slept with 2 others at the time!

When i found this out she told me different storys over and over to make things easier on me, this had the opposite effect and confused me terribly I understand the hole situation now and what the reasons were 4 everything, but at the time went drinking for 2 days non stop never ate and never slept which culminated in me fracturing 2 heals from being off my mind.

She never wanted to talk about what happened in any way for months n months after this which as u can imagine seriously affected my mental health on top of not being able to work, I found no support what so ever from her and some how dealt with this inside myself alone (unhealthy),

Since my child was born her attitude has been very mean and will argue viciously over anything and just will not communicate maturely at all, they say love is blind and i know now it is, she really had me believing all our problems were me these arguments were really abusive and have been called everything under the sun even as far as being called a pedophile and told to f**k my dead grandmother we are 2 different races and race has been brought up 2 on many occasions.

Yes i dropped onto her level of arguing eventually after putting up with this for 2 long! Then threats of making another man raise my daughter started coming out, I know i should have got out of there at the time looking back but my heart was set on making this family work and didn't truly realize what i was up against! I realize now i was mentally abused deeply and traumaticaly over 3 1/2 years but blamed myself for it all so couldn't see past it!

on the 7th last month out the blue she told me she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me anymore but continued 2 live with me 4 13 days still sleeping with me, on the 13th day she moved out and on the 14th day sent me a note through face book saying she does love me deep down but has built up 2 much hate 2wards me and needs to deal with it alone 4 a while but her dreams lay along side me and wants us 2 grow and move out this country eventually she also said she is willing to go counseling with me to resolve our issues! As u can imagine i was seriously confused and was diagnosed with major depression she knows im suffering from this.

last Monday she dropped my daughter of at her sisters house who has been done 4 child neglect and went out for the night I only found out she wasn't there with my daughter in the morning and went to collect her straight away I then got told by her family i have no right to collect MY daughter which wound me up really bad but got my daughter away from there none the less!

when i confronted her on why she left her there and where did she go she got abusive and told me she picked up some guy from a club and slept with him all night long and told me the Gorey details and put me down deeply and traumatically just to hurt me 4 what reason I do not know!

My daughter wanted to see her mother so I arranged to meet her and drop her off we had 2 wait over an hour 4 her outside to get there i called her to say she is taking to long and its getting to late in which she threatened to kill me and my family if i went home with her and got even more abusive with me over what she done with that guy she picked up!

eventually she came and ashamedly out of hurt frustration mental trauma I flipped and spat on her and in her mouth a few times and slapped her! I could not believe this woman i loved could hurt me in this way after all i had done for her I have even buried her dead family members and done so much 4 her over the years i regret what i done but was honestly insane at the time and in disbelief this was going on it was my worst nightmare being lived out!

She then got me arrested for assault which was dropped as there was no evidence, this story has a lot more details to it to explain why I lost control so bad I am not like that and became someone I detest so much!

I am now dealing with the deepest trauma I have ever felt she has now disappeared with my daughter and ripped her from me I don't know how to cope with this and am a shambles at the moment my self confidence is rock bottom my belief in everything has gone and am in unbearable pain inside my heart and soul!

I don't know how to get through this its like she never existed at all and everything was a lie, fake I am so traumatized from this and can honestly see me wearing the scars of this 4 life right now I hate myself so much and feel worthless in every way,

Is there anyone who can give me advice I know i shouldn't have hit her or spat on her but am mentally ill from all this at the moment!

really need to make some sense of this Ive lost all my friends being so consumed in this unhealthy relationship and i am once again going through this alone with no support anything!

I am barley holding on at the moment and everything is a big struggle I just dont know what to do! And cant think rationally at all.

Anyone? really need advice, help, loosing it more and more each day!

Mate, I really, really feel for you over this. I don't have a child so on that side of things I really don't feel qualified to comment, but as far as the woman goes.....I've been in a relationship that sounds very similar. The woman I was with was mentally and physically abusive to me for about 6 months after we moved in together, but for the whole relationship before that she used sex as a weapon with me and would disappear, get drunk and end up with a guy she'd met, anyone it didn't matter as long as she was hurting me and herself. My only advice is get the f*** out as soon as possible for the sake of your mental health, your child's and also hers. I'm really sorry you're going through this mate. Be strong and rise out of this situation.

Bless

Hi, I am so sorry for your pain. It does sound like she pushed you to the limit.

My BF does that with me as well.

Your ex acts like she has a lot of resentment towards you and the world.

Your best bet is to talk to a therapist. Right now, the world seems so dark to you and it is. Pain makes us act out and think veru irrationally.

Trust in yourself that you will get through this. I've reading a book from a spiritual healer now who says "When your life is in turmoil, that means there needs to be change and turmoil will never go away unless you make some major shift"

Time to focus on you and get yourself well.

My ex of 11 yrs did something horrible to me when he left, which I won't go into, but it put me in the worst state of mind ever.

I went to get some help and realized life is about me and made it about me.

Thanku all found an mp3 on here somewhere its really helping going to try get some sort of therapy sorted i definately need it!

I know a thing or two about depression. As my relationship was falling apart I too was slipping back in a big hole. At a certain point it is really hard to judge where the crap going on the outside and whats going on in the inside. This much stress can major mess with your brain chemistry

Have you looked into any medication for the depression. You have a great deal to handle right now so anything that can help may be worth trying. It wont make any of this easier but it can help it to be much more manageable. therapy and some med can really help you get some balance even in this F#K. situation.

Also, and I know it is difficult, but try to eat well, get what ever exercise you can, and any good sleep will also help..

Good luck.

im on 20mg florexetine going to get therapy soon as possible i can feel my brain chemistry so wrong in the mornings it actualy hurts my head just fighting on at the moment!

im on 20mg florexetine going to get therapy soon as possible i can feel my brain chemistry so wrong in the mornings it actualy hurts my head just fighting on at the moment!

How long you been on it?

2 1/2 weeks just woke up :-(((( feel so low my heart n soul is burning me Im trying my best to feel positive, im at rock bottom every morning the feeling is worse and worse im trying my best i just cnt pick myself up, Im scared for myself for my daughter, dnt know how im going to get through this? feel sick mentaly and physically realy need some sort of help, want to heal but dropping deeper and deeper every day i accept whats happnd but cnt describe what this is doing to me? feel like im living in hell, dnt know how im baring this at the moment, im not feeling sorry 4 myself im just in imense pain feel betrayed and betrayed in its purest form, feel so wrong in myself feel like the 6yrs meant nothing at all to her? I realy need the almighty to help me deal with this! Im not coping at all! Very scared I dnt think I am but dont know if I can take this day in day out?? Realy messed up in myself so lost! soon as i wake up the pain is so intense going straight through my soul, so weak so bitter so angry so much pain I cnt describe it, i dont everwant to love again, If i get through this? if I dont crack up? If I dont do anything Stupid? I am in hell right now and i do mean it I am burning in hell! If anyone is religious out there plz pray 4 me that i get the strength to get through this 4 the sake of my lil girl she needs me to grow her up with guidance more than ever I need guidance! Want these feelings to get better there just getting worse and worse! Devastation, lost , hurt, pain, distraught, lonely,betyrayed, confused I cnt describe this all i know is I do need help im torn apart my self belief is well below zero so scared of myself now! :-((((((((((

Realy starting to feel suicidal dont know what to do its getting worse every day cant take this burning! so weak right now! crying 4 help !

I know what your going through man! Not gonna say anything but talk to people about this, anyone? paticually someone like the Samaritans. They'll help unburden you & even if for a short while it can make you see things alitte clearer

please log in & become a member .... You'll be glad you did http://www.suicideforum.com/

All the best mate

Thankyou limbo21 going there now!

2 1/2 weeks just woke up :-(((( feel so low my heart n soul is burning me Im trying my best to feel positive, im at rock bottom every morning the feeling is worse and worse im trying my best i just cnt pick myself up, Im scared for myself for my daughter, dnt know how im going to get through this? feel sick mentaly and physically realy need some sort of help, want to heal but dropping deeper and deeper every day i accept whats happnd but cnt describe what this is doing to me? feel like im living in hell, dnt know how im baring this at the moment, im not feeling sorry 4 myself im just in imense pain feel betrayed and betrayed in its purest form, feel so wrong in myself feel like the 6yrs meant nothing at all to her? I realy need the almighty to help me deal with this! Im not coping at all! Very scared I dnt think I am but dont know if I can take this day in day out?? Realy messed up in myself so lost! soon as i wake up the pain is so intense going straight through my soul, so weak so bitter so angry so much pain I cnt describe it, i dont everwant to love again, If i get through this? if I dont crack up? If I dont do anything Stupid? I am in hell right now and i do mean it I am burning in hell! If anyone is religious out there plz pray 4 me that i get the strength to get through this 4 the sake of my lil girl she needs me to grow her up with guidance more than ever I need guidance! Want these feelings to get better there just getting worse and worse! Devastation, lost , hurt, pain, distraught, lonely,betyrayed, confused I cnt describe this all i know is I do need help im torn apart my self belief is well below zero so scared of myself now! :-((((((((((

Talk to the Doc ASAP. Your meds should be helping a bit by now. They need to up the level or add something to the mix.

Right now you have to take all of the love and campassion you would give her and give it to yourself. You know who much you can support someone else now give your self that same level of support.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I also suggest picking up this book: "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" It will help you to focus on what you need right now rather then her and her behavior.

After your doing better pick up another book call "Woman, Sex and Addiction". It may help you understand her behaviors and why it is not reflection on you. She has some major issues and right now she is a wrecking ball and you was in her way. You were loving and supported but she does not know how to handle true love. She has messed up coping skills the she need to get through her abuse but now just messing up her life any anyone in it.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Living, I too had a similar situation as yours. Hopeing2heal offer me some very valuable insight into my situation. She was amazing helpful for me to get my balance. Please read it, I think that it could be helpful to you and keep you from seeing that her action was not about you.

. I suspected from her actions she had been through some kind of abuse/etc. at a point in her life and that is why she was acting the way she had, then you confirmed it. As someone who was sexually abused starting at the time I was in diapers, as well as being through physical and emotional abuse throughout my entire childhood and youth; I can relate to a lot of her actions. I have since confronted a lot of my personal demons and decided I needed to get some help; and I've never cheated on anyone or been very sexually active BUT; what she is exhibiting is very common and consisent with having been sexually abused or assaulted.

 

That said; the partner I am with now. Oh lordy, he went through some REAL hell with me. I mean REAL HELL, when he first met me I was let's see..charming..funny..and hidden, deeply hidden under a mask. He didn't have an easy go with me for the first few months and it would of been understandable had he thrown his hands up and walked away. I broke his trust numerous times with lying. It's not that I'm completely full of **** and don't know how to tell the truth, but lying is a coping mechanism I'd learned from being abused; see it prevented me from ever being trully intimate with another person it ALSO served as a spoke in the wheel for me. I intentionally orchestrated and set up my relationships to fail from the start (in the past) because pain and suffering was what I was familiar with. I didn't like it, but I KNEW it, I knew how to SURVIVE it. I was stuck in a very destructive and dysfunctional cycle.

 

She probably trully doesn't know the hurt she caused you, I know that I never understood the hurt I caused others until I'd gone to therapy and really applied it to my life. It wasn't because I was heartless and lacked compassion either, I've devoted a lot of my life to helping others and caring for people, but I'd learned very dysfunctional coping skills that never allowed me to live in relationships in a healthy way. I would see how they hurt me when they would leave me, I couldn't at the time realise my lying or other hijinks was painful and hurtful to them. To me? I was just doing what I needed to protect MYSELF, to keep others from HURTING me, and my romantic partners were always my NUMBER ONE threat.

 

Now, that said; either you realise this isn't any way to live your life and you do something about it; or you go on for the rest of your life stuck in your own self destruction. Some get better, some NEVER will. If I hadn't worked as hard as I have to get healthy and break past everything I've been through, learned to be vulnerable, intimate, and in touch with my feelings. To be honest, and empathetic towards the pain my actions could cause; there is no way my partner would have or SHOULD have stayed with me. No one really deserves the destruction people like us will cause. It's sad for me to realise now the extent of what I have done; but to know I didn't really get it for so long.

 

My partner loves me very much, but had I kept on that same road? He would of had to walk, and it would of been rightful of him to do. Abuse of any kind is a very scarring thing to live through. It changes us as people, it can marr our lives for as long as we go on living without recieving help. But, we need to get help, we need to heal. Just because something awful happened to us, doesn't mean ANYONE is entitled to stand by in our lives and let us tear them down to shreds. I am ALL for staying with a partner who genuinely seeks help and shows ACTION and CONSISTENCY that they are legitimate about the healing process; but anyone who is not there I don't reccomend staying with at all. They may never, ever reach that point.

She is a wrecking ball right now, and you don't deserve to stand by and watch it happen. One day she may or she may NEVER realise she doesn't want to keep going down this road; but she's not there currently and you or any other person will never change that for her. It's time to let this one go.

(Hoeping2Heal I hope that it is ok for you to repost this. Again I am thankful for you help)

Thankyou BeSteady that has given me a better insight and makes alot more sense of other problems in that relationship! That has taken allot of blame of myself as ive been feeling im not good enough and maybe it was me, I guess all I can do is move on I guess i still feel like S**t but it has helped but dread the morning!!! that is where it hits the most if I feel any worse 2morrow i will go doctors again and seek more advice and help thankyou I appreciate your input very much!

Like I said I see similarities in the situation. I too spent a good deal of time blaming myself for my X's actions. And sorry to say, I times I find myself going back there but there is no use to doing so. It is part of the depression, the mixed up chemicals make it easy to beat yourself up. As they say depression is anger turn inward, and I think part of that is true. What is more true the stress is messing up with the brain chemistry.

About 6 years ago I develop a major depression that really messed up my life for a good amount of time. After this break up I felt myself going back there and there was a great deal of concern. But I learned how to deal depression symptoms:

EXERCISE -IT is the last thing you feel like doing but it is the best thing you can do. MAKE YOURSELF DO IT, even if its just walking, if you wake and feel like hell, feel like hell while you walk, run, lift wights, I guarantee you will feel better after 45 min (maybe not great but better) Use the maness energy on something other then beating yourself up.

EAT - Dont skip meals, eat health stuff, if you not getting the nutrition in the body you can not produce the right brain chemistry. If you dont feel like eating , eat 4-5 small healthy meals, force yourself. No eating well magnifies the anxiety your already feeling.

JOURNAL - get a piece a paper and pen and write until you can not write, write about anything and everything, it does not need to make sense. Just write it out until you wore out. Great at night before you go to bed, good in the morning when you cant sleep and feel like your losing it.

MEDS- If you need their help then take it. Life is too short and you got to much to offer not to. And if your going to be on them make sure your not doing it half way, if your not feeling better in 2-3 week push let your doctor know.

STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL - It depleaste chemical already depeated by the stress whcih leads to depression.

TALK- Friends, Family, Professional. The great thing about dpression you get to find out the people whe really matter in your life and who really care. It is a hell of a way to find out but it wonderful when you do.

Like I said get both of those books. The first one on abandonment will help you to start focusing on what you need. Do the exersices in the book, yes they are a bit silly but they do help.

The second one will help you to further separate her actions from who you are. Do not use it to try to fix her but just understand how little of it was in your control and how maybe you got caught up in her issues. And if it is a profession even better you can bltch and not every worry they are going to get tired of hearing it

If you do those six things it will get better. If you need to talk let me know.

Thankyou BeSteady i appreciate ur advice it has helped me just by reading it, im about to go to sleep now im dreading waking up but will leave ur post up on the screen in front of me so i can put your advice into action if im feeling rough in the morning! knowing you have been through the same situation offers me hope i cnt thankyou enough thankyou for being there 4 me it means allot! THANKYOU

Like I said if you wake up real early start writing with pen and paper (physically it gets it out better then typing) until your tired. Allow yourself to cry, scream and shout as you do. If it is a bit later go for a walk, run. You WILL get through this.

.

Hey Living Nightmare, i was exactly where you were two weeks ago, when i woke up was the worst, its like soneone has a hamer at your head pounding obsessive thoughts about your girl in there and it wont stop. I eventually realised i was having a nervous breakdown and went and got flouexatine hydrochloride 20 mgs (prozac) in their first week they make you feel even more anxious and potentially suicidal, tremors sweats . its normal after two to three weeks your hormones will level out and you start to feel a lot more in control of yourself, im much better now. still a little sad but like im on top of things. stick with the meds for now just think of them as a crutch for the time being. ten once your better. lose em. take care my friend i know how your feeling exactly

Woke up not feeling as bad as I thought I would this morning, i have no doubt it will be up and down for a while, I guess deep down I know from reading on here I will get through this I've just got to hold out for a while! I have my own weights bench but unfortunately it is in a room where there are so much memories and things that remind me of the ex I dont have it in me to move the stuff yet, and have no where else to put the bench, although my sister and mom say they will help me bag up the memories and photos and other stuff on Thursday, Looking forward to getting into the best shape of my life now, which is something i was unable to complete b4 because of problems after problems in that unhealthy relationship, still very confused though Im now asking my self was it realy love? as Im not sure if I loved myself?

Also has any one got any ideas how to really face up to my feelings and emotions as im not sure if im repressing any Im about to start writing in a notebook and see if that gets them all out, I guess maybe im scared of the feelings I may have but realize I want to get through this as quick as possible and face any obstacles that are holding me back from healing.

I was due to start work again this morning but slept in really late which allthough i wish i was working was very happy I had a good long sleep for once.

Allso I have a deep desire to try and contact the ex not to make peace but to tell her she needs help as deep down I dont want her self destructing her self for the sake of my daughter but feeling she maybe wont listen (she never does) and dont want to knock myself back any more or leave her the oppurtunity to tell me more stuff to hurt me or reopen wounds I maybe coming to terms with?

Does anyone have any advice on that last point?

Thank you Solear it helps knowing Im not the only one going through this nightmare situation it gives me strength in a strange sort of way! I will be keeping this thread updated constantly so maybe in the long run it will be a help to others in the future I guess Ive just got to dig deeper than ever before to get through this, I have learned allot already from this experience and truly see a better more mature me for the future.

AlsoI have a deep desire to try and contact the ex not to make peace but to tell her she needs help as deep down I dont want her self destructing her self for the sake of my daughter but feeling she maybe wont listen (she never does) and dont want to knock myself back any more or leave her the oppurtunity to tell me more stuff to hurt me or reopen wounds I maybe coming to terms with?

 

Does anyone have any advice on that last point?

DON'T - she is like a alcoholic or drug addict right now. She is not in a place to hear you and wont. Until she reaches a point in hersilf that is the bottom will she even see how her issues are affecting herself and the people around her. (re-read Hoping@Heal quote on my earlier post) You can not help her she can only help herself. Trying will only hurt your further.

All it will do is make you feel worst, reinforce the feeling you have no control. I suspect your a fixer, you fix her problems for her. That is not healthy at this point. You doing to distract yourself form helping yourself because for people like us that is harder to do. In the book "Woman, Sex and Addiction" she talks about co-dependency. It will be helpful for you to read I suspect. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF that is the best thing you can do right now for your daughter. Show her how one gets health when they experience a setback. Kids learn most through example give her a good example the X cant.

I will take your advice I feel so much better knowing its not my fault I obvioously still feel for her and feel saddend but dont feel as much burden anymore guess il have ups n downs but feel strong enough to get through this 4 me and my daughter now! Thanku

That is very good news. You right there wil be some bad days still, but now you know it is temporary and there is the other side. Allow yourself to have those moments of anger, grief, sadness, frustration it all has to get out. When you have those days it is just a reminder that you have to keep doing those things that help:

EXERCISE

EAT

JOURNAL

MEDS

STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL

TALK

keep in contact

The ex was in contact by txt message telling me that social services are saying I cant speak to my daughter! which ended up with a txtn contest wich feels like it has knocked me back a few days! But on the good side I remembered that the ex signed a contract with them some time back that she woudnt leave my daughter round her sisters house i have proof that she has so hopefully I will get my daughter home with me 2 morrow after they see my solid evidence! This saddens me cus i dnt want to take my daughter away from her mother maybe im sexist but i do believe children should be with there mother but if she is putting her in danger and passing on the issues that were past on to her then it has to be done! Having this outlet here is a great help to me and knowing people on here have been through the same similar and worse problems gives me a lot of strength to get my self fit and well again! I will definately stay in contact on here so everyone can see my progression through this difficult time hopefully some day this may help some one else in the same circumstances and show them you can get through these things no matter how you feel at the time!