Feeling so sad and frustrated.....

My bf broke up with me on July 4th. Prior to the breakup, we had been together for just a little over 2 years. Here I was hoping that he'd be proposing to me soon, and instead he dumped me. I guess I shouldn't have been completely blindsided by this since things were getting to be pretty rocky the last few months we were together. Still though, I've been pretty devastated by the whole thing because he told me on many occasions that we'd probably get engaged soon. (Later on he told me that he actually wasn't sure yet if he wanted us to get engaged/married, but that he felt like he had no choice but to say that since I kept asking him about it. Yes, I know that was wrong of me and in restrospect I can totally see that. However, I still think it's really sh*tty that he outright lied to me and said things to make me think we were definitely or at least most likely getting engaged if/when he didn't really mean it. By the way, I'm 32 and he just turned 34 if that makes any difference).

Anyways, to make a long story short, for the past two months now since he broke up with me he has contacted me on pretty much a DAILY basis, more often than not several times a day vs. just once or twice. I've told him quite a few times that unless and until he decides that he's really serious about wanting me back as his girlfriend, that he needs to quit calling and texting me. I've had different friends and family members suggest to me that no contact with him is the way to go mainly because he's been acting very wishy washy since the breakup and he doesn't seem to know what the h*ll he really wants. They say that the reason that he hasn't been willing to make a real commitment either way (permanent break/breakup or getting back together) is because he hasn't HAD to decide. They say this is the case because I've basically never gone more than a few days without talking to him since the break up, so therefore I've lost my credibility with him as far as me telling me I want nothing to do unless or until you're serious about wanting to work things out with me. There have been several times where he texted me or left a voice mail message outright saying stuff like "I really want to work things out. I miss you. Please call me back". So, then because I do still love him and him alot, I'll call him back only to find out that (surprise, surprise) he's STILL not ready to get back together yet. Instead, once he gets me on the phone he says stuff like "It would be nice if we could work things out, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet" or "Can't we just hang out with no expectations, etc"?

I've only seen him one time since the breakup, and since then I've refused to see him. This is because I know that I'm already having a really hard time coping with all of this, and I know if I see him in person if/when he's still not serious about wanting to get back together, that things will be that much more difficult for me. I just don't think I could handle seeing him in person right now under the current circumstances, and I also don't see the point in it because he'd probably just try to talk me into sleeping with him.

So far, I haven't done very good with the no contact thing. The most I've ever made it with total NC was five days. During those 5 days, I was out of town for part of that time. After that time away, I came home to literally almost 30 messages he had left on my machine. You could tell from the messages that he was like desparate to talk to me. Since prior to that time period, the most I'd ever made it was 2 days with total NC, I think that made him nervous that maybe I was finally getting fed up with his wishy washy b.s. and wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I made a HUGE mistake and called him back after I heard all those messages thinking "Aww, he must really miss me", only to find out that he STILL wasn't sure he was ready for us to get back together yet.

The last time I talked to him was this past Thursday. We got in a big argument (over the phone). The conversation upset me so much that I ended up crying, and so I hung up on him. I decided then and there that I just HAVE to stop putting myself through this and that I need to stay strong and really do better with the whole no contact thing. He's continued calling and texting me everyday, but I haven't responded at all.

Then, today I came back home after doing some shopping and saw that he had left a bouquet of flowers and a magazine by my front door. He also wrote this on a little note card:

Dear ___, I'm very sorry for how things are. I know you're a great young lady..and a great person. I hope to hear from you soon, and I do miss you very much! Love, _____

I had been thinking all along that if he was really sorry for breaking up with me and really wanted me back as his gf, wouldn't he send flowers and/or a heartfelt apology letter? So, I finally got my flowers, but I'm not sure that it really means a whole lot considering that his note said nothing really about actually wanting me back as his gf, no sorry I hurt you so badly, I think I made a huge mistake by breaking up with you, please give me a second chance, etc...He also sent me a few texts over the weekend saying things like "I want things to work out with us". However, keep in mind that last time I checked, his online dating profile was still up! So, how serious can he really be about wanting to work things out when he's advertising himself on a dating site?? Not very serious obviously...

Within about 30 minutes of him breaking up with me, I just had this gut instinct feeling to go and check the online dating site we had met on, and sure enough he had his profile back on there. He says he didn't put one up until right after he broke up with me, but I think that's a bunch of crap. I think he probably had it up for at least a few days if not a few weeks before we broke up. Since the break up, he's asked me several times if he can please come see me, that he really misses me, etc. Every time he's asked I've said no because you still have your online dating profile up, and he's actually tried to convince me that he shouldn't need to delete it before coming to see me. He says can't we just hang out with no expectations? He doesn't like it at all that I'm saying I'm not interested in just hanging out with him and seeing how things go, like he wants to do. There's been a couple times where he told me, okay I'll take my profile down, and it looks like he does take it down. But...then I find it back up again just a few days later. I've had people tell me that it seems like by having the profile up and everything he obviously wants to see what else is out there (for other women), but he's trying to keep me on a string just in case he decides that he can't find anything better than me. Well, I certainly don't want to be anyone's back up girl.

I'm so torn what to do now that he gave me the flowers and magazines. Even though I've been missing him alot, having NC with him the past few days was making me feel alot stronger emotionally. I truly feel in my gut that he's still not at the point yet where he's really serious about wanting things to work out with us. Therefore, there's really no point in me talking to him since I'm definitely not interested in being just friends with him. So, I'm thinking continuing the total NC (at least for now) would probably be a good thing for me. But...I'm a nice person, and I'm feeling like maybe it's kind of rude to not at least send him a quick text to say thanks for the flowers and magazine. If I do that though, the problem is I'm sure he'll text me back and/or call me, and I'm worried that he'll say something that will get me sucked back into talking to him...only to find out he's STILL not serious about working things out. I don't know. What do you guys think I should do?

From my experience, (and our's sound a little familiar) this guy sounds like he has a serious fear of commitment!!! He can't commit to being with you or commit to being without you! I just got dumped after over 2 years of a beuatiful loving relationship, up until the very end. Like you, it was a little rocky in the month or two preceding. I am 25, he's going to be 30 and we were planning on marraige as well. I have a promise ring. My ex is doing kind of the same thing with me, contacting me nearly daily, (left a month ago, went NC for nearly 2 weeks, then for the past 2 weeks contact on his part) sometimes several times a day whether it be phone calls, emails, facebook,etc. However when we have talked about the relationship he isn't willing to "try right now". He has also told other people we were broken up and moved out, so..a little different. Consider yourself lucky though that he HAS said that he wants to work things out!!! Wow, I wish mine would say that.

Seems like he doesn't know what he wants...the flowers, etc. really mean nothing, like you said since he's not apologizing, etc.

I think you should go no contact. Yes, he will continue to contact you... as long as you allow him to keep you hanging, he will. You have to put your foot down and ignore him until he says the RIGHT things, not little breadcrumbs. If he wanted you back, you'd have no doubt in your mind. Definitely read Caliguy's No Contact Guide on this site. Pick up the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" and maybe you can understand the situation a little better. It has shed so much light on the subject for me!

I totally understand how hard it is, because like you, I love this man and want more than anything to work it out. After one month apart, I still feel the same way. What helps with no contact is that it forces you to look objectively at your relationship and what you want, what you are willing to put up with. Clearly, your guy has feelings for you... mine does too. But for some reason they can't commit one way or the other. Go figure.

By the way, don't thank him for the flowers. If you do, yes he will contact you and keep you in the limbo longer. I can't believe I am writing this, a month ago I would have said something totally different! Of course you don't want to be left dangling on a string! Let him know that by not giving in to him! We can do this! Ignore the phone calls, etc. That's what I've resolved myself to do as well. It's really hard because we think that if we ignore them, we will lose them. I think not so... you as well as I have told these men how we feel about them and they know it. That's all we can do. The ball's in their court, not ours. But we can't give them so much power over us. As long as you're always "there" he won't be able to miss you. Plain and simple. I don't understand why men are this way! Reading that book has really helped me understand and I think it might be helpful for you too. Stay strong and keep me posted.

Wonderfully said miniminx, you have come a long way especially in the last week

Thank you very much for your input and advice Mimi. It sounds like we do both have somewhat similar situations. I will definitely look into getting that book you suggested. I think you're probably right about the whole fear of commitment thing. Overall, my relationship with my ex was loving and good, but one issue we had is that I was very upset about how much he was still in contact with his last exgf that he was with before he and I started dating. They were together for 4 1/2 years, and he ended up breaking up with her because he basically said although overall she was great, he just didn't feel like she was "the one". Like I said before, he and I dated for just over 2 years, and even though he knew how much his contact with her bothered me, he basically said he just wasn't ready to stop talking to her yet although he insisted that he no longer had romantic type feelings for her. He said she was a great person, and so he saw no reason why he couldn't stay friends with her. I think with her too if seems like a case of he ultimately couldn't commit to being with her (forever...as getting married to her), but he also couldn't commit to 100% letting go of her either. And...it seems like he may now be going through the same sort of emotional dilemma with me.

Where can I find Caliguy's No Contact Guide on this site?

Also, if anyone else have any advice or thoughts for me on my situation, that would be great. The more advice, the merrier. lol

Butterfly -- I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your guy sounds like he's classic CP. There's a thread on this under coping that you may find helpful. If you post on this thread I'm sure you'll get lots of responses.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200675/

You said, "I've told him quite a few times that unless and until he decides that he's really serious about wanting me back as his girlfriend, that he needs to quit calling and texting me." This is exactly the right approach. He's continuing to contact you because he doesn't want to lose you, BUT he wants you on his terms. And he's stated his terms and here they are: "Can't we just hang out with no expectations, etc"? In other words, he wants a relationship with you where you can expect nothing from him!! Why not step back, don't respond to his contacts and give yourself time to further define what your terms are. Right now since you're responding, he's got his cake and eat it too. He's drawing you in to keep the connection, then he's putting the wall up. You're not being rude by not responding, by stepping back and not responding, you're defining and setting boundaries relative to what you're willing to accept. IMO and from what I've read, the only way to make relationships with CP's work is to step completely out of them and then re-engage with boundaries in a healthy way. You can't change his CP behavior, only he can. And if he's at a point in his life where he's ready to do it, he will. If he's not, the behavior will continue in every relationship he's in and it's too emotionally draining to be in a relationship with someone who's unhealth and runs hot and cold emotionally all the time. Believe me, I know what it's like. It's frustrating, draining and creates utter confusion!!

There's a couple of parallels you post with my situation. My ex had and has an online dating profile although that's not how we met. I'm almost 100% certain he didn't cheat on me during the relationship. Anyway, this is the way I interpret it from my experience and what I've read of CPs.:

1. It's a way of maintaining emotional distance in a relationship.

2. It's an ego trip.

3. It's a way of maintaining the fantasy that "the one" perfect woman is out there somewhere and keeping your options open in case she pops up.

4. It's a way of engaging in superficial fantasy relationships.

Regarding his friendship with his ex. My guy had a friendship with his ex too. They had dated for 3 months the year prior to when I met him. They counseled each other about relationships. I thought it was a bit unusual. I wasn't jealous but I knew she was jealous of me and could tell she still had a thing for him. He never believed me. Then one night he called me all freaked out because she came onto him. So . . . anyway . . . I made a mental note and vowed to myself that I was never going to end up in that situation!! I remember thinking that he had to be giving her some kind of vibe, even if it was subconscious for her to come onto him in that way. I refused to be friend-zoned and have maintained that boundary. Anyway, he seemed proud that he maintained ex-girlfriends as friends. I think it can serve a variety of purposes such as keeping the person as an option or alleviating guilt for having been in a relationship knowing the partner is being led on. Don't let him friend zone you!!

Finally, read the posts by Georgia Girl. I think these will be especially helpful. You're not alone. Many of us are in various stages of these confusing, conflicted, and painful relationships. Be strong!!

Serena,

Thanks so much for your input and advice. I found it to be very enlightening and helpful. It does seem as though my exbf has alot of the traits of a CP. However, I've also read before that sometimes women will tell themselves that their ex was just a CP and that's why he got cold feet and wouldn't marry them...only to find out 6 months (or whatever) later that he's gone and married someone else. I'm hoping in a way though that he really is a CP and would have problems making a truly serious commitment to ANYONE vs. it being me that's just not good enough for him.

He showed up at my apartment this morning which threw me totally off guard since I wasn't expecting it. I didn't answer the door though and just pretended like I wasn't home. I knew it was him because he said stuff like "Hello? It's me" and of course I recognized his voice. He said he was down in my area visiting his parents and thought he'd stop by to see me. His parents live about 45 minutes away from me though, so I think he was just using that as an excuse to try to see me by saying he was in the area.

He's called and left quite a few messages for me today which is kind of strange because yesterday he only called a few times. I know that overall lately he's been a real jerk by dumping me and then continually giving me false hope that we're going to get back together only to say he's still not ready for that yet. But...are you sure I'm not being rude by not texting him or something to say thanks for the flowers he dropped off yesterday? Part of me thinks I need to stay strong and continue with the NC, especially since it's only been a few days so far since the last time I talked to him. But...since I'm a nice person, not thanking him for the flowers is so hard for me because I was raised to be very polite, etc.

Butterfly -- Question: Is it flowers that you're looking for from him or is it consistency with what he what he wants in regard to the relationship. I was raised to be polite too but intentional or not, his jerking you around in matters of the heart flowers and all is anything but polite and does not deserve a "thank-you." I know this is really hard and requires great strength because it's counter-intuitive. He comes back in this way, acts like he wants to reconnect and "work things out" and then when you finally acquiesce he freaks out and wants to "hang out with no expectations." I don't know if he's CP or not but this behavior certainly is indicative of it (pursuit-panic; pursuit-panic) and most guys don't go to these lengths just to jerk you around. Regardless of whether he is or isn't CP, he's got serious issues that he needs to work out. His behavior toward you isn't healthy and is impacting you in a negative way. As long as you're willing to participate in the relationship cycling in this way with him he has no motivation to change. You have to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship that you want. If it's not, the only thing you can do is to change your own behavior (what you accept from him and how you respond to him) because you can't change his. If you go NC and he comes back and says: "Look, I'm really sorry for everything I put you through. I have some issues. You're very important to me and I really want to make this relationship work and I'm willing to get help for my issues. Again, I'm sorry. What will it take for you to consider giving me another chance?" And then he backs up his words with action, THAT would deserve a "thank you" and be worth considering. But in the end, you have to decide for yourself what you're worth and what it will take to win you back. It doesn't seem it's flowers that you're looking for.

Serena,

Yes, you're right. While the flowers he dropped off are beautiful, what I definitely want most of all is knowing that he TRULY wants to CONSISTENTLY be with me ALL of the time and not just some of the time. I told him recently that I just think there are so many issues that we'd have to resolve, and that I just don't see us being able to do that without couples counseling. At first, he completely flat out refused to go. Then on a voice mail message, he agreed to it but I think it was just as a way to try to get me communicating with him again. I say this because when I called him back and basically said okay, so when do you want me to set up the counseling appointment for? He balked at that and basically was like "I don't know. Do we really need to go to counseling? Why can't we just hang out?".

Today, he's left me several voice mail messages. One of them says something about "Why don't you call and set up a counseling appointment"? However, because of what happened before I don't know whether or not to believe he's actually serious about going to counseling this time. My gut feeling is that no, he's not really ready for it yet or that even if he WILL go we won't get much out of it at this point, seeing as he still has his profile up on a dating site! It seems to me that if he's really serious about wanting to work things out and he truly is only interested in dating ME and not any other women, a LOGICAL first step would be for him to delete his online dating profile, right?? Also, he's still not being apologetic for everything that he put me through even BEFORE the break up happened, like with his exgf issues. He claims he's not talking to her anymore, but I have a hard time believing that. I'm not sure whether or not he's actually still in love with her, but I do think he has strong enough feelings for her that we can probably never, ever have a truly successful relationship as long as he's still friends with her. He can never FULLY, completely love me unless and until he's completely over her, and I don't have much reason to believe right now that he really is truly over her. Overall, there were alot of good things about our relationship. However, I definitely had/have resent about the whole exgf issue because I feel like there many times throughout the relationship where he would put her feelings before mine. For example, I asked him many times why he didn't have ANY pics of me and/or us on his M.S. page. (He insisted on having her on his M.S. friends list). His response to that was that he didn't want his exgf to see the pics and be all upset by them! Hello?? What about the fact that NOT putting any pics up made ME upset?!? He says that would change if we got back together and that he'd put pics of us up on his M.S. and F.B. pages. However, how do I know he's not just saying that, and even if he really is serious about it, that doesn't change the fact that I feel really hurt and angry that for two years he never put any pics of us up.

Also, another thing that made me unhappy with our relationship is that we lived an hour away from each other. At first, I was okay with it. But...after it got to around the year/year and a half mark, and he STILL didn't want to live together that was pretty upsetting. He kept trying to convince me that living together wasn't necessary and why don't I just get my own place in his city? Call me crazy, but personally I think after dating for 1 to 1 1/2 years, if a guy still isn't ready to get engaged to you, he should probably at least want to share a home with you. Especially in a situation with mine where we were in a long distance relationship. On one of the messages he left me today, he said something about how if we get back together and things are going really well, he thinks it would be really nice for us to live with him. Us meaning me and my daughter (from a previous marriage). However, because he's been so wishy washy about things before, what reason do I have to think he's really serious about that? I can actually envision myself giving notice to my landlord that I'm moving out, and then having my exbf change his mind and decide he's still not ready to live together after all.

My exbf is an extremely intelligent man (as far as being very book smart/well educated, etc). However, he's also very, very indecisive. Maybe he really IS a commitment phone because the man can't seem to make a decision about much of anything. Like, he hates his job, so I've suggested that he find a different job where he'll be happier. But...he just can't seem to bring himself to do that. He's been saying for a long time he might want to get a new vehicle. I went car shopping with him this past spring and we spent a whole day test driving cars and trucks, yet he never ended up getting one. He does okay financially, so it's not that he was debating whether or not he could afford one. Like I said though, he's just very indecisive about pretty much everything.

Also, he said on one of the messages that he left me today that he really doesn't want me dating other guys. Yet, HE still has his online dating profile up! I admit that I've checked that site once a day for the past few days, and it's showed that he's logged been logging in on there every day for the past few days. So, again, not only does he still have a dating profile up...but even worse it looks like he's pretty active on there. I know he's talked to other women on there since our break up (he admitted to it), so I'm assuming he's still talking to them. At the very least, he must be on there to at least scope out other women. Either way, it's not good. He claims that he's "only" been on one date since we split up. He adamantly refused to tell me where he met that women, whether it was from that site or if he met her some other way. He says they went to pizza hut for dinner, and he absolutely insists that he didn't make out with her or sleep wtih her, and that they only went on a date that one time. However, who knows whether or not he's telling the truth about that. For all I know, he might have actually gone out on dates with a few or even several different women since we split up, and maybe he really has slept with someone else. It breaks my heart to think about that possibility, but I'm just trying to be real here.

Butterfly, it does sound as if he is a CP and I think you are wise to consider the what if's..... What I don't like he keeps saying "If we get back together I will do this"..... and everything you are asking for he is willing to give you..... He will give you everything you want as long as you do this..... YET..... the action I would think.... Would be to NOT be on the dating sight. Respecting your wishes with the EX.... and I find it most disrespectful that he is thinking more about how she feels than how you feel re: the pictures..... Big RED FLAG also.... He will say anything not to lose you.... and you are wise to continue NC.... as he will expect you to take him back and then disrespect you once again..... The fact he told you he would go to counseling and then doesn't..... I question why you would believe him again. What has he done different..... I think if he really mean't it you would know and feel the sincerety....

I hope your doing better.

on a side note you all are quite prolific in your prose postings.

Butterfly -- IMHO, you're focusing on two areas of contention that are not really at the root of the problem, but in reality, only symptoms of the problem, namely, the ex-gf and the dating profile. Let's say that he eliminates his dating profile and discontinues his relationship with his ex-gf, what makes you to think that him doing this will lead to consistency in his relationship with you? His hot and cold behavior toward you seems much more destructive than anything. Regarding counseling, it shouldn't be your responsibility to set up the appointment, it should be his, if he's serious about wanting to change that is. You shouldn't have to do the work for him, he should want to and have to do the work himself. And before considering a move especially with a child. . . I'd want to know that he could offer much more stability in a relationship before I'd be willing to uproot.

More opinions: The dating profile is a way of maintaining emotional distance characteristic of CP's. The ex-gf is safe for him because he's no longer attached to her romantically and there are "no expectations" of him that come with a healthy romantic relationship. So, he can announce her to the world, hang out with her etc. because she's not his gf, she's just a friend, so she no longer triggers his anxiety to flee such as involvment in a connected romantic relationship does. A thought: Perhaps he's over her as a romantic interest but she's not over him and he knows it??!! I know this all sounds twisted and the reason is that the thinking is twisted.

What are your primary and most important contingencies in getting back into a relationship with him? Are they centered on deletion of the online profile and the ex-gf as friend or something greater than that? Although these are issues, from what you've posted, it seems like there's a much bigger issue than these two things.

Regarding intelligence, this issue has nothing to do with intelligence level. It has more to do with emotional maturity and the ability to form a healthy and secure attachment in a romantic relationship.

Regarding concrete general rules for time frames and moving in, I don't really think there are any. Having said that, you as an individual have every right to decide on your own rules with how much time you're willing to give a relationship with regard to progression. If a relationship isn't progressing in the manner you want to to within a certain amount of time, you're certainly not crazy for deciding that it's dead end and not wanting to waste your time anymore.

Thanks so much for you input Surfer, Gray and Serena. I really appreciate it.

Serena-I totally agree with you that before uprooting my life and my child's life to go live with him, I'd need to feel like things were much more stable with us. However, he's tried to say that he thinks its nearly impossible for things to ever get stable with us UNTIL we're both living in the same city. He apparently thinks that some of the problems we had in our relationship would be eliminated by us moving in together. However, he doesn't seem to respect the fact that I don't feel comfortable doing that unless and until we've gone to counseling together for awhile and/or other things happen to give me reason to believe that we'd be in a happy, stable relationship.

As far as what's my primary contingencies in getting back together with him, I guess his willingness to go to counseling with me would be a way to show me that he's serious about trying to make things work. He's actually saying now that he is willing to go to couseling with me. However, he STILL hasn't deleted his online dating profile AND he won't even add me to his F*acebook or MS friends list! He says he'll do those things AFTER we get back together. However, how can I agree that I even want to give things another try unless and until he's willing to make those changes out of respect for me and my feelings??

He called me off and on practically non stop throughout the day on Monday and left a bunch of messages on my ans. machine saying he misses me so much, please call him back, etc. On a couple of the messages, it even sounded as if he might have been crying. So, like a fool I ended up breaking NC and calling him back late Monday night. Let's just say I quickly realized what a big mistake that was. He was pretty nice to me when I talked to him late Monday night, and I was starting to feel all hopeful like maybe he really was serious about wanting to work things out. So, because of that and because of the fact that after talking to him again I was really missing him, I called him yesterday and asked if he'd like to go out to dinner with me. So, he agreed to go out to dinner with me. Keep in mind we hadn't seen each other at all for almost 2 months prior to meeting up last night. We both admitted that it felt very akward seeing each other again after not seeing each other for such a long time. When we first met up, he couldn't take his eyes off me, and I could tell he thought I looked realy attractive. (I had lost a little weight since we split up and gotten a new haircut, dressed cute/sexy). He also told me that he thought I looked really pretty, and I told him that I thought he looked great too. So, things started off okay. However, once we got to the restaurant, it was just awful. We basically more or less just (quietly) bickered the whole time. Not so much about past issues, but more because of how things are currently. Like me trying to make sure he's really serious about wanting to work things out and then getting mad when I realized that he's still not sincere about it. What really ticked me off is that I asked him when he's going to delete his profile, add me to his FB friends list, etc., he said "I'll do those things once we're back together". I asked him what did you have in mind as far as a plan for when we'll be back together? He more or less said I guess when we're dating exclusively again, and i said and how would we define that? He then said, "How about once we're sleeping together again"? He said that's how it worked the first time around when we started dating. That after the first time we slept together, we decided to be exclusive again, right? Now, that's true that's what happened when we first met, but I told him that he's got to be kidding if he expects me to just start sleeping with him again right away because first I need to feel like I can TRUST him that he's not off screwing around with other women. He was trying to be all touchy feely on our date which I didn't really respond to because it made me feel uncomfortable and then he told me that he felt rejected by me because of this. He also said several times on our date stuff to basically try to convince me to go back to my place and have sex with him. I just kept telling him no way! Not under the current circumstances, and then he was STILL trying to talk me into it. He tried to pull the whole I'm too tired to drive home tonight, can't I please spend the night at your place. I promise I won't try anything, etc. but I told him sorry, no. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that just because I KNEW he would try to put the moves on me and I didn't want to put myself in that situation and maybe end up doing something that I'd regret.

Our "date" ended badly with me storming off because we had been stiting out front of my apartment talking in his truck, when he all of a sudden picked up his cell and started messing around with it. When I asked him what he was doing, he told me he had gotten a text from H (one of his supposedly platonic female friends), and he said he was just writing back to her. I asked him to show me the text, and he refused to. That p*ssed me off because I felt like if he was HONESTLY really wanting to work things out then he'd be trying to regain my trust and would have and should have been more than happy to show me what her text said and also what he wrote back to her. So, when he refused to do this I just said something alone the lines of f this and went inside. About 5-10 minutes later, after he finally finished texting his "friend" H I guess, he knocked on my door for a few minutes and was saying stuff (through the door) like can I please spend the night I'm too tired to drive, can you please at least give me a hug good bye". I told him "No. Please leave. We can't just stand here and talk like this because it's late and I don't want us to disturb my neighbors". Then he said in a nervous type tone of voice "Is this it or are you never going to see me again"? I told him "To be honest, I really don't know. You said some stuff tonight that really, really upset me". I think he might have said a quick "I'm sorry" and then he left for his drive back home.

So, for those of you reading this right now, you'd probably say that it totally sounds like he's just trying to keep me on the back burner and basically just trying to use me as an f-buddy. However, what I don't get is why whenever I don't talk to him does he call and leave messages over and over and over again, acting like he's just completely depressed when I don't talk to him and like he's terrified that he might lose me to another man, etc. But...then almost right away after starting to talk to him again, he goes right back to acting all ambivalent about wanting to work things out with me. Sure, he says he's willing to go to counseling with me, brought me flowers, etc., but how much does his willingness to go to counseling really mean if/when he is all reluctant to delete his dating profile AND he won't even add me to his FB friends list? Maybe some might think it's stupid to worry about the FB thing. However, I feel like clearly he must have flirtatious comments on his walls from other girls or something or else he'd have no problem with me being on his list. Via text this morning, we talked a little bit, and he told me that the reason he won't add me UNTIL we're actually dating is again is he says he's worried I'll contact his friends on there and tell them all that I think he's a cheater and a jerk, etc. I told him that's such a lame excuse not to add me on there because for one thing I would never do that, but hypothetically if I REALLY wanted to say something like that to his friends, I could easily do a quick search for them on FB and send them an email. I'm sure he's WELL aware that I don't need to be on his FB friends list in order to be able to contact his friends. Which again I'd never do anyways, so he's obviously just trying to come up with some b.s. excuse for not adding me on there.

Any thoughts/input on all of this would be much appreciated. I'm feeling pretty stressed right now by this whole situation and just not sure anymore what to do...

Butterfly,

My initial thought in reading your post is that this guy has MAJOR control issues and plays mind games. From what you describe, his issues seem much deeper than CP. It sounds like he wants his own way all the time and will go to extremes to get his own way. Whenever you ask for something, he's always got a prerequisite to delivering. He seems unwilling to compromise and accomodate your needs which are very reasonable. There is absolutley no valid reason as to why he won't add you to his network on FB or MS. You exhibited great strength setting boundaries in your recent interaction with him. BRAVO!! He sounds like a control freak that plays mind games.

Thanks Serena. I honestly never thought of him as having control issues while we were together (okay, well maybe a little bit but definitely not big problems with this). However, he definitely does seem like he's being selfish right now by acting like if we get back together it has to be more on HIS terms...instead of thinking hey I broke up with her so I need to do whatever it takes to win her back/make HER happy.

Also, I forgot to mention in my last post that while on our "date" last night, he not only seemed really nervous (which was kind of understandable because I felt a little nervous too after not seeing him for so long), but he he also seemed all irritable. I felt like I was getting this vibe from him like he just totally didn't even want to be there with me which made me feel like crap because I had figured he'd be like ecstatic that I finally gave in to his request for him to see me in person again. Things definitely go the way I'd hoped they would last night.

I'm SO sad today. I had been missing him lately, but was starting to feel a lot better/stronger emotionally once I went NC with him and now I SO regret that I ever broke NC! Last night spending time with him didn't go at all the way I had hoped. I feel like overall he acted like a real jerk last night. Now we've been basically arguing back and forth off and on all day today via text because he keeps saying that he wants to work things out, but without first making any of these changes that would make me more comfortable like adding me to FB, etc.

What should I do you guys?? Do you think I should just go back to NC with him? If so, do you think I should give him a heads up about it first?

Serena gave me some great advice regarding my current situation with my ex. However, if anyone else has anything they'd like to add to that, I'd really appreciate it. I'm just really stressed and torn about what to do, and the more advice the better.

Hi everyone,

Well, like I said in one of my last posts on this thread, when I saw him the other night it didn't go very well at all which was very disappointing to me. Like I said before, in some ways he was acting like a real jerk (trying to talk me into having sex with him that night for starters).

However, yesterday and today I've been talking to him off and on via text, and he's been very apologetic and is practically begging me to give him another chance.

I miss him and would love if we could work things out. However, I'm also pretty wary about the whole thing because he broke my heart by dumping me and I'm not entirely sure I can trust him anymore since I found he had an online dating profile up pretty much immediately after we broke up. So, I'm sure he had that profile up for at least a few days if not a few weeks before he broke up with me. I'm worried that if I say I do want to get back together with him, that he will delete the profile (he's offering to do it right in front of me). But...then for all I know he could go behind my back and create a new one (either on that site or a different one), keep that profile hidden and continue communicating on there with other women.

Like I said, he's practically begging for me to take him back, but I'm still feeling a little cautious about the whole thing mainly because I don't know now if I can trust him NOT to be talking to other women behind my back. What CONDITIONS would you guys suggest that I require prior to taking him back IF I decide to take him back? What things do you think I should require him to do in order to help re-establish trust and show that he's genuinely sorry for all the pain he put me through? I think couples counseling would be good, and he's agreed now to start going to counseling with me. (Although he said before he'd go, but then got all non-commital about it when I tried to set up an actual appointment. So, not 100% sure yet whether or not he really MEANS it this time that he's willing to go). Should I require that he add me to his FB and MS pages/friends list BEFORE I'll agree to go back out with him? (He deleted me off those friends list and blocked me from seeing his profiles within a few days of the breakup. Then, he sent me an email the other day saying that he's unblocked me from those sites. Yet, he still hasn't added me to his friends lists yet). So, any input on what CONDITIONS I should set/require from him in order to think it's WORTH giving him a second chance would be much appreciated. Thanks!