Want that 2nd chance? The answer may surprise you...

I’ve been a silent observer on this forum over the last seven months. Reading your posts helped me resist those relentless urges to contact my ex boyfriend in the weeks immediately after the break up. Now that the worst part is behind me, I want to share my story to encourage everyone to practice “no contact,” or at least, “limited contact.”

Briefly, my ex-bf and I broke up about seven months ago. It came as a shock to me because he was pushing for a commitment early on, and seemed very sure about a future for us. Since I was just getting back into dating after a long and painful divorce, I wanted to take things slowly. He agreed, and was very patient with me. Before long, we were spending much of our free time together. On the days we weren’t together (he’s a single dad), he’d call me every night after putting his kids to bed. I can honestly say that I haven’t dated anyone who has touched me so deeply. Over time, I opened up my heart and let him in.

Like any couple, we had our disagreements from time to time. After each argument, he’d down play it and say that it’s normal for couples to disagree, that he loves me, and that he still sees a bright future for us. So you can imagine my surprise when, two days after our last disagreement, he called me up to say that things “just weren’t working out.” He offered to meet me in person to explain his decision. For those who think that a final meeting with a soon-to-be-ex is necessary to gain “closure,” I can say from this experience that that did not happen. If anything, it made me more confused and hurt. His reasons made no sense to me. Things that he once said he wanted he no longer wants. Things about me that didn’t bother him before are now “issues.” And that bright future he saw for us only a week ago? Gone. He seemed confused, torn and conflicted. And I felt like I was talking to someone I don’t know any more.

I was devastated. I felt betrayed. Yes, the urge to beg, plead, argue, and do whatever it took to keep him was overwhelming, but thankfully, my pride wouldn’t let me do it. And the truth is, I knew I couldn’t make him stay if he didn’t want to. I told him that even though I still saw a future for us, I can see that his mind is made up, so there’s nothing I could do. Then I wished him the best. He looked stunned… asked if we could stay “friends.” I said that I needed time to heal, and that I would contact him when I’m ready.

After that, I stopped all contacts with him. When he tried to chat me up over IM, I stopped using it altogether. About once a week, he’d send me links that he thought I’d enjoy reading, like he used to do when we were together. I ignored them, not to be spiteful, but because I didn’t want to be disappointed if he didn’t write back. Once in a while, he’d ask how I was doing in one of those emails. If he asked, I’d respond with a short “I’m fine, thanks, hope you’re well,” and left it at that. I didn’t want to engage in long conversations with him, or to share what was happening with my life with someone who discarded me so carelessly. I knew those texts and emails have a way of giving me false hopes. I was never rude, just polite and terse with my responses.

Over time, his emails dwindled… down to about once a month. During this time, I focused on my job and my family. I exercised, and spent time with friends. More importantly, I thought honestly about the things I did wrong in the relationship and how I could do better in the next relationship. It was really hard…I missed him terribly and cried myself to sleep each night for the first two months. I didn’t understand how a man who called me every night could cut me off just like that. But slowly and surely, I began to see him in a different light. He no longer seemed the perfect mate for me. Yes, he was a good man, but he had flaws and blind spots. And he hurt me. I no longer blamed myself for everything. And I started to see that he was equally responsible for the relationship’s demise.

So six months after the relationship ended, my ex contacted me out of the blue. I was cordial. At his request, we met for coffee and caught up. After that, he kept in touch about once a week by email, text or phone. At his suggestion, we met up for dinner a few weeks after that. We had a good time, and the attraction is still there, but I wasn’t going to act on it. Then out of the blue, he tried to kiss me. I stopped him and asked why he did that. He said he didn’t know, just that he was fighting it all night. I told him that I wasn’t interested in casually hooking up with anyone. He said it wasn’t “casual,” and I told him that I thought he had a little more respect for me than BS-ing me like that. He looked embarrassed and said good-night abruptly. The next day, he apologized for being impulsive. Since then, he’s been in contact with me about once a week. He talked about how great things were when we were together, how he’s made changes in his life for the better and that he owed them all to me. He’s even admitted that he wondered if he had made a terrible mistake.

One would think that I’d be jumping for joy. Well, I’m not exactly. Why? Because he hints at the possibility of a second chance, but he hasn’t taken any actions to win me back. I don't get the feeling that he gets just how much he has hurt me. Nor has he apologized for the way he broke up with me. And most important of all, I haven’t heard a word about what he would do differently if we do get back together. It’s not that I don’t still have feelings for him. But feelings are not enough. What I want, at minimum, is an understanding by him of what got us here and a commitment to work things out. All I see from him are some interest to test the water, and that’s not good enough for me at the moment.

Which brings me back to the point of this long post…I don’t know where things will be between my ex and me, but I'm no longer hoping to get back together. And if, by chance we do, it would be with my eyes wide open and on terms that I’m comfortable with. I wouldn’t be able to think as clearly as I’m doing now if I didn’t listen to the advice from the good people on this forum (e.g., CaliGuy, BCCA, Carhill, and many others).

Definitely read the points CaliGuy made in The No Contact Guide and So you want a second chance? They are spot on.

Best,

Gogarth.

Which brings me back to the point of this long post…I don’t know where things will be between my ex and me, but I'm no longer hoping to get back together. And if, by chance we do, it would be with my eyes wide open and on terms that I’m comfortable with. I wouldn’t be able to think as clearly as I’m doing now if I didn’t listen to the advice from the good people on this forum (e.g., CaliGuy, BCCA, Carhill, and many others).

 

Definitely read the points CaliGuy made in The No Contact Guide and So you want a second chance? They are spot on.

 

Best,

 

Gogarth.

Gogarth, I read the entire thing. Good on you for having the self-respect and strength to not only know what the right thing to do is, but DO IT! Good on you!

There are a lot of really experienced people here on LS and they all give great advice. I'm really glad I was able to help you in some way. And really, that's why were all here. To offer our thoughts and experiences.

And remember, it's not words that mean a damn thing from an ex. It's ACTIONS. And if they aren't acting like they love and miss you -- then they really don't. Words are spoken from the mind, but the heart, that is where action comes from.

Action > Words

Cheers

Hi CaliGuy,

It has been a long and difficult road. But LS makes it more bearable. Whenever I get the urge to call the ex, I just log on and read the posts.

You're absolutely right. Actions speak volume. Talk is cheap.

From my personal experience, until an ex asks specifically to get back togegther, no good will come from breaking NC or hanging around an ex.

Good luck to everyone.

Gogarth.

I’ve been a silent observer on this forum over the last seven months. Reading your posts helped me resist those relentless urges to contact my ex boyfriend in the weeks immediately after the break up. Now that the worst part is behind me, I want to share my story to encourage everyone to practice “no contact,” or at least, “limited contact.”

 

Briefly, my ex-bf and I broke up about seven months ago. It came as a shock to me because he was pushing for a commitment early on, and seemed very sure about a future for us. Since I was just getting back into dating after a long and painful divorce, I wanted to take things slowly. He agreed, and was very patient with me. Before long, we were spending much of our free time together. On the days we weren’t together (he’s a single dad), he’d call me every night after putting his kids to bed. I can honestly say that I haven’t dated anyone who has touched me so deeply. Over time, I opened up my heart and let him in.

 

Like any couple, we had our disagreements from time to time. After each argument, he’d down play it and say that it’s normal for couples to disagree, that he loves me, and that he still sees a bright future for us. So you can imagine my surprise when, two days after our last disagreement, he called me up to say that things “just weren’t working out.” He offered to meet me in person to explain his decision. For those who think that a final meeting with a soon-to-be-ex is necessary to gain “closure,” I can say from this experience that that did not happen. If anything, it made me more confused and hurt. His reasons made no sense to me. Things that he once said he wanted he no longer wants. Things about me that didn’t bother him before are now “issues.” And that bright future he saw for us only a week ago? Gone. He seemed confused, torn and conflicted. And I felt like I was talking to someone I don’t know any more.

 

I was devastated. I felt betrayed. Yes, the urge to beg, plead, argue, and do whatever it took to keep him was overwhelming, but thankfully, my pride wouldn’t let me do it. And the truth is, I knew I couldn’t make him stay if he didn’t want to. I told him that even though I still saw a future for us, I can see that his mind is made up, so there’s nothing I could do. Then I wished him the best. He looked stunned… asked if we could stay “friends.” I said that I needed time to heal, and that I would contact him when I’m ready.

 

After that, I stopped all contacts with him. When he tried to chat me up over IM, I stopped using it altogether. About once a week, he’d send me links that he thought I’d enjoy reading, like he used to do when we were together. I ignored them, not to be spiteful, but because I didn’t want to be disappointed if he didn’t write back. Once in a while, he’d ask how I was doing in one of those emails. If he asked, I’d respond with a short “I’m fine, thanks, hope you’re well,” and left it at that. I didn’t want to engage in long conversations with him, or to share what was happening with my life with someone who discarded me so carelessly. I knew those texts and emails have a way of giving me false hopes. I was never rude, just polite and terse with my responses.

 

Over time, his emails dwindled… down to about once a month. During this time, I focused on my job and my family. I exercised, and spent time with friends. More importantly, I thought honestly about the things I did wrong in the relationship and how I could do better in the next relationship. It was really hard…I missed him terribly and cried myself to sleep each night for the first two months. I didn’t understand how a man who called me every night could cut me off just like that. But slowly and surely, I began to see him in a different light. He no longer seemed the perfect mate for me. Yes, he was a good man, but he had flaws and blind spots. And he hurt me. I no longer blamed myself for everything. And I started to see that he was equally responsible for the relationship’s demise.

 

So six months after the relationship ended, my ex contacted me out of the blue. I was cordial. At his request, we met for coffee and caught up. After that, he kept in touch about once a week by email, text or phone. At his suggestion, we met up for dinner a few weeks after that. We had a good time, and the attraction is still there, but I wasn’t going to act on it. Then out of the blue, he tried to kiss me. I stopped him and asked why he did that. He said he didn’t know, just that he was fighting it all night. I told him that I wasn’t interested in casually hooking up with anyone. He said it wasn’t “casual,” and I told him that I thought he had a little more respect for me than BS-ing me like that. He looked embarrassed and said good-night abruptly. The next day, he apologized for being impulsive. Since then, he’s been in contact with me about once a week. He talked about how great things were when we were together, how he’s made changes in his life for the better and that he owed them all to me. He’s even admitted that he wondered if he had made a terrible mistake.

 

One would think that I’d be jumping for joy. Well, I’m not exactly. Why? Because he hints at the possibility of a second chance, but he hasn’t taken any actions to win me back. I don't get the feeling that he gets just how much he has hurt me. Nor has he apologized for the way he broke up with me. And most important of all, I haven’t heard a word about what he would do differently if we do get back together. It’s not that I don’t still have feelings for him. But feelings are not enough. What I want, at minimum, is an understanding by him of what got us here and a commitment to work things out. All I see from him are some interest to test the water, and that’s not good enough for me at the moment.

 

Which brings me back to the point of this long post…I don’t know where things will be between my ex and me, but I'm no longer hoping to get back together. And if, by chance we do, it would be with my eyes wide open and on terms that I’m comfortable with. I wouldn’t be able to think as clearly as I’m doing now if I didn’t listen to the advice from the good people on this forum (e.g., CaliGuy, BCCA, Carhill, and many others).

 

Definitely read the points CaliGuy made in The No Contact Guide and So you want a second chance? They are spot on.

 

Best,

 

Gogarth.

This is so on the money. NC for me has been great, it has refocused me on the things I needed to work on and now I am dating and not focused on him anymore. If my ex were to contact me I would not be interested at this point. I have moved on and NC was the reason I am here. I really have grown in a short period of time. Plus I have the closure I never had before in many many years.

I agree with Caliguy, in that actions speak louder than words. My ex broke up with me almost a year ago, and started contacting me at the end of January, saying she wanted to come see me. I'll get a few texts or phone calls a week, and she hint that she wants me to call her, but I have never intiated a call to her, nor will I. I started seeing someone else about 6 weeks ago, and amazingly, I started getting the "Wish you knew how much I missed everything about you", "you're one in a million", "no one compares to you; you've set the bar too high", etc. She has no way of knowing I'm seeing someone else since she lives 2 hours away, but I find it ironic. Funny thing is I feel as now I'm the one throwing "crumbs" to her, as she always responds to a text in a prompt manner, and sometimes just calls me back. Still haven't gotten the "I want you back", talk from her, but I have a feeling that's coming next.

I agree with Caliguy, in that actions speak louder than words. My ex broke up with me almost a year ago, and started contacting me at the end of January, saying she wanted to come see me. I'll get a few texts or phone calls a week, and she hint that she wants me to call her, but I have never intiated a call to her, nor will I. I started seeing someone else about 6 weeks ago, and amazingly, I started getting the "Wish you knew how much I missed everything about you", "you're one in a million", "no one compares to you; you've set the bar too high", etc. She has no way of knowing I'm seeing someone else since she lives 2 hours away, but I find it ironic. Funny thing is I feel as now I'm the one throwing "crumbs" to her, as she always responds to a text in a prompt manner, and sometimes just calls me back. Still haven't gotten the "I want you back", talk from her, but I have a feeling that's coming next.

Ex's have a way of knowing that you're seeing someone else. It usually happens because when you DO start seeing someone else, you go complete NC with your ex. The ex then wonders "What happened to my lap dog?! Why isn't he pestering me anymore?!"

What I do believe is that NC should help you heal. Forget the fact it MAY make your ex miss you. If they really want you, they'll beat your door down. TRUST ME on that. And if they aren't beating your door down, then well, all they are is full of HOT AIR. They just want the confidence boost that being their lap dog provides. Don't be a lap dog. EVER.

Cheers.

And beware the manipulator.

My Ex would want to go to dinner, drinks, hang out, etc whenever she felt she had something to gain from it.

A more favorable position on our property settlement, or she wanted to ensure that I wasn't going to take her back to court.

Other than that, she didn't start with the I miss you crap until she ran out of money from our property settlement. Then she had a great interest in reconciliation (and still does).

Money is her motivation, that much is obvious.

Ignore them ... stay NC as much as possible, that would be my advice.