an orgasm is a must for him

I was dating a nice guy 48y.o. I did not have sex with him for 1 month and then we had it for the first time. During sex he was only thinking if I had an orgasm. Of course I did not have it and it had nothing to do with him. I am a normal woman with no hypersexuality. I need to get to know the guy better to do the trick. I feel I need to know if he likes me in a sexual way, what his sexual abilities are and if he is willing and able to do sexual things which I want during sex. If I talk about some of these things during the first sexual encounter I am afraid that he would be scared away from me or/and he would think that i was promiscuous.

As a woman, I would like him just enjoy sex for himself and let me do the same. I hate the idea that I need to fake orgasm for him instead of enjoing sex. But I want to have sex with him. I guess if you really want it you can master the fake performance with some practice.

Any suggestions?

Why does a man need to spoil sex by telling you that he needs your orgasm as a must?

What to do if a man thinks that an orgasm is a must? And you do not want to lose the guy, of course.

Is it possible to explain a man that he has unrealistic expectations about female sexuality? I have noticed while watching porno that even females in porno do not do the trick.

The guy is totally killing the mood. I mean, yeah its nice that he cares so much if you have an orgasm (that's great), but he's causing you to overthink the whole thing and not enjoy it.

I personally would never fake it, simply because I don't believe in positively reinforcing bad performance

When he brings it up again, just tell him that you find his 'demand' as added pressure and you will enjoy sex if he is attentive and performs well. Not all women cum from just intercourse and he's 48, he should know that.

If he keeps pushing the issue, then it would definitely be wise to look at the whole situation with him and see what else he's going to try to control.

I'm really not sure how he said it, but if its coming across as a demand, there would be no second time for him.

OP, IMO, the bedroom should be a sanctuary of love and truth.

I need to get to know the guy better to do the trick. I feel I need to know if he likes me in a sexual way, what his sexual abilities are and if he is willing and able to do sexual things which I want during sex. If I talk about some of these things during the first sexual encounter I am afraid that he would be scared away from me or/and he would think that i was promiscuous.

There's your truth

If you can make love with him, you can talk with him about such things.

What is wrong with some women? Put the shoe on the other foot. You have just had a great evening with a guy, had a wonderful orgasm (or two/three) and he is only semi-hard and tells you he doesn't orgasm until he is comfortable and knows he really likes you (nothing against you, your looks, body, expertise, skill).... How old are you? He is 48 and really does not need this type of game.

Newsflash, men (especially older, experienced one's) aren't overly thrilled to have sex with a woman who does not orgasm.... And if you don't from the get go, when it hopefully is the most exciting, passionate time. Hell we are the one's worried about not satisfying a woman, not doing it right too quick or being lost.

I don't think you need to be hypersexual to have an orgasm.... Hope I'm not wrong....

anthony the point is that women don't orgasm during sex nearly as often or as predictably as men. it has nothing to do with playing games. faking an orgasm so he shuts up would be a game. she's being honest.

anthony the point is that women don't orgasm during sex nearly as often or as predictably as men. it has nothing to do with playing games. faking an orgasm so he shuts up would be a game. she's being honest.

And some women orgasm much more. Better put it on the table prior to sex then, as trust me many men won't be too thrilled that at the beginning of the relationship it may not work until "they are comfortable". Men have fragile egos if you aren't aware.

It is wonderful for a man's ego to know that he hasn't taken her there.... I hope mature women (OP I expect is in her 40/50's) should know what to do so it works or am I being naive????

The guy just worrying about her orgasming the whole time is really annoying and would cause the opposite reaction of an orgasm.

And yes, you're being naive.

It is not realistic for a woman to have an orgasm with vaginal sex every time.

Sometimes I can get one on top but I have to be really focusing on it.

Also, the guy, if he is expecting orgasm with every experience better get used to using his tongue instead of expecting it to happen vaginally everytime.

What is wrong with some women? Put the shoe on the other foot. You have just had a great evening with a guy, had a wonderful orgasm (or two/three) and he is only semi-hard and tells you he doesn't orgasm until he is comfortable and knows he really likes you (nothing against you, your looks, body, expertise, skill).... How old are you? He is 48 and really does not need this type of game.

 

Newsflash, men (especially older, experienced one's) aren't overly thrilled to have sex with a woman who does not orgasm.... And if you don't from the get go, when it hopefully is the most exciting, passionate time. Hell we are the one's worried about not satisfying a woman, not doing it right too quick or being lost.

 

I don't think you need to be hypersexual to have an orgasm.... Hope I'm not wrong....

Thank you so much for your reply. It has helped me understand the way how men see the issue. Now I understand there is no real choice except faking that everytime.

Or communicating.... novel idea

Thank you so much for your reply. It has helped me understand the way how men see the issue. Now I understand there is no real choice except faking that everytime.

I hope you are being sarcastic.

If you're not, don't listen to him! Gosh, if the guy has any brains at all he'll figure it out eventually, you'll either slip up sometimes or he'll get to know you and your reactions better. And he NEEDS to know that it's okay and normal for a woman to not orgasm sometimes, especially when they're both getting to know each others preferences and reactions, as long as he puts in the effort and she's enjoying herself! Otherwise he'd just go through his entire life deluded from all those 3842834634-orgasm porn videos and stories...

Well. It's all OK. I have had encounters where neither of us orgasmed. Something to do with alcohol. Never occurred to me something was wrong.

I suspect self-acceptance, openness, all that are very important.

Might tell the fellow to relax, don't worry about it. If he really can't relax about it, then it's not about you, it's about him, and he should be concerned about you, not what he thinks you should be.

Maybe backing up and getting that relaxed open acceptance is in order.

Of course, there are some people I never seem to get open with, or it's a long process (not in a sexual way - just life in general). And there are other really open people [e.g., one date "I'll just not horny tonight, would you enjoy a blowjob?"].

Someone listening to their expectations of you more loudly than they're listening to you. Well. Might be some re-education in order.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for your reply. It has helped me understand the way how men see the issue. Now I understand there is no real choice except faking that everytime.

How about communicating prior to having sex??? Yes it is important to us and yes we understand it may not work all the time for various reasons. If he is serious about the 2 of you, and you tell him what you need to get off, I am sure you 2 will figure it out (unless it is something completely out of the norm).

So BAC, how would you have felt if he did not finish the job, and said he had fun anyway, as he lost his erection? Would you have though that was okay?

I really am missing the point when you are both mature adults (not fumbling 20 year olds).

He tried to hard and that is a turn-off. But faking it is not going to achieve anything. Just tell him that you are wired differently. If you don't feel comfortable doing that - you won't ever feel comfortable enough to reach orgasm. Get your big girl pants on and deal with it.

He tried to hard and that is a turn-off. But faking it is not going to achieve anything. Just tell him that you are wired differently. If you don't feel comfortable doing that - you won't ever feel comfortable enough to reach orgasm. Get your big girl pants on and deal with it.

Bang on. However as always I note most of us do not read or comperhend the OP. First they did see other for a month before sex (no one night stand) and there is nothing there about him trying "too hard". Maybe he did but that is conjecture, same with oral (no mention). Her words was he was only thinking about her having an orgasm (what a terrible person he must be;)).

Point is the OP actually seems to say she does not have orgasms as she noted matter of factly "of course I did not". What male would be thrilled about this response from a female he'd dated a month and finally they did it and her view (putting words in her mouth) about sex is "yes we'll have it, it'll be fun but I am not having an orgasm no matter what"?

Talk about killing the mood.

Maybe. But finding out after trying for months and months, while she was faking it every time, must be harder.

You can tell a man that you're not orgasming and that it's okay. You can have fun without an orgasm. Sure, it's better with one..but you can't change how you're wired. Either he is okay with that or not. But both, I guess (from the age given in the OP) are old enough to deal with incompatibility, if this should be the case here.

Faking it = playing games = wasting time.

Maybe. But finding out after trying for months and months, while she was faking it every time, must be harder.

 

You can tell a man that you're not orgasming and that it's okay. You can have fun without an orgasm. Sure, it's better with one..but you can't change how you're wired. Either he is okay with that or not. But both, I guess (from the age given in the OP) are old enough to deal with incompatibility, if this should be the case here.

 

Faking it = playing games = wasting time.

Yes, but again I was responding to the OP. She does have orgasms but her post screams, that she won't until she is comfortable. She should have told him that as they were together a month before they went to bed. I admit I have no prior knowledge or experience as to what to expect. What I do expect and these two should have is "communication". Then they can make a decision. I find it sad that a mature woman is so confounded by sex. I will go back to the one line "of course I did not", which says she had no interest or ability to have an orgasm the first time. Will it be the 4th, the 6 the 20th time?

Again believe it or not many men have fragile egos.

I was dating a nice guy 48y.o. I did not have sex with him for 1 month and then we had it for the first time. During sex he was only thinking if I had an orgasm. Of course I did not have it and it had nothing to do with him. I am a normal woman with no hypersexuality. I need to get to know the guy better to do the trick. I feel I need to know if he likes me in a sexual way, what his sexual abilities are and if he is willing and able to do sexual things which I want during sex. If I talk about some of these things during the first sexual encounter I am afraid that he would be scared away from me or/and he would think that i was promiscuous.

 

As a woman, I would like him just enjoy sex for himself and let me do the same. I hate the idea that I need to fake orgasm for him instead of enjoing sex. But I want to have sex with him. I guess if you really want it you can master the fake performance with some practice.

 

Any suggestions?

Why does a man need to spoil sex by telling you that he needs your orgasm as a must?

 

What to do if a man thinks that an orgasm is a must? And you do not want to lose the guy, of course.

 

Is it possible to explain a man that he has unrealistic expectations about female sexuality? I have noticed while watching porno that even females in porno do not do the trick.

So after multiple readings I may finally have it. Are you still dating? First sentence you say "was"... So his performance in bed and hope that you climax turned you off???

Why is the idea of having an orgasm after a month of dating, deeming him worthy to have sex with so difficult? Did you set out these ground rules before you went to bed? Is it terrible that he was concerned with your enjoyment and wanted to make sure it "worked"? He liked you in a sexual way to have sex with you, so what was your problem?

Is a woman hypersexual because she has an orgasm?

Did he actually say that he wants you to have an orgasm, or ask you for directions to get there (ie. what to do)? What a cad? Did you tell him that you are just testing him out, and when you are comfortable with him and the relationship, that you may just be able to orgasm?

NEWSFLASH.... Most men want you to have an orgasm.... And what exactly is unrealistic expectations of males? I expect that you ask most men in a committed relationship whether their spouses have orgasms and they will say yes 90% of the time.

Hope this explains what us men think.

I think bac, you should ask yourself why you're having sex with a guy you can't communicate your needs to and aren't comfortable enough to have an orgasm with him. Next time, just wait until you KNOW you're ready for it.

As for this guy, I think he's got that disease called foot in mouth. Talking about sexual needs requires more tact than to dictate terms and conditions...

As a woman, I would like him just enjoy sex for himself and let me do the same. I hate the idea that I need to fake orgasm for him instead of enjoing sex. But I want to have sex with him. I guess if you really want it you can master the fake performance with some practice.

 

Any suggestions?

Why does a man need to spoil sex by telling you that he needs your orgasm as a must?

 

What to do if a man thinks that an orgasm is a must? And you do not want to lose the guy, of course.

 

Is it possible to explain a man that he has unrealistic expectations about female sexuality? I have noticed while watching porno that even females in porno do not do the trick.

Whaaaa fake orgasms?????? No, no, no, my friend! Why would you EVER do that? That's doing yourself a huge disservice. Of course the first few times you have sex with a new partner it can be interesting trying to figure out what each other's preferences are but communication is key, express what you like and what you enjoy and encourage him to do more of that.

There is no such thing as no orgasm because you can't achieve it through intercourse because there is oral and manual stimulation and this should always work to achieve orgasm either before or after or during intercourse. Once you get into a rhythm with intercourse and become more familiar with each other's bodies you can start to achieve climaxing like that.

Unless of course you are not able to achieve orgasms at all. In that case you can't really blame him for asking. It's not fair to make him feel like he is not doing it for you or that he is pressuring you. He wants to know he is pleasing you and I see nothing wrong with that.

Again I understand it when you are in your 20's. In your 40's, you better know what you want and how to get there. Add to that this is after a month of dating and I hope good communication.