Understanding when women indicate interest

(Note: If you have already read my "Why are guys such jerks" post

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t182342/, you may want to read my

follow-up in the same thread---else considerable confusion could

ensue.)

Hi all,

over the years I have gone from being a complete and utter idiot (s.

below), where reading the romantic signals women send are concerned, to

being reasonably knowledgeable. However, I am still often very uncertain

whether I am overlooking the obvious or being over-optimistic. Now I

would appreciate your help with some tuning of my radar.

Below you will find some actual scenarios from my past that cover

typical cases of possible attempts get my interest (or get me into

bed, or deepen our relationship), deliberately picked to cover a

spectrum from "indisputable" to "highly unlikely". I am interested in

what your comments are, where you would draw the line between

thumbs-up and thumbs-down, etc.

Note that some facts have been obfuscated for reasons of anonymity

(and, no, I have never been to Knoxville).

Scenarios, in roughly the descending order of probability:

1. During a past-midnight session in the computer lab of my college, a

co-ed (23 to my 19) taking the same course strikes up a conversation,

which quickly turns into her speaking on how she has missed the last

bus home, cannot get home until five or six in the morning, and has

no-one to crash with. In the end, she makes a derogatory comment

about my intelligence and explicitly asks me to take her to my place.

Note that there had been several previous events where she had seated

herself next to me in class, asked me to study with her, made

compliments about nothings, and similar. Without this background

information, it is not clear whether she had her eyes set on just a

room for the night, or both the room and me. (And unfortunately she

grew tired of me in less than two weeks, being a bit of a gentlemen's

woman.)

2. I (21? at the time) am sitting in the train to xxx, deeply

engrossed in a book. The car is empty except for me and two girls

(18?) talking a few seats away. One of the girls gets up, and squeezes

down in the seat opposite mine. (With my leaning forward, elbows on my

knees and my hands even further out, she once millimeters from

failing.) She remains silent. After about ten seconds of silence,

just as I start to freak-out over her absurd behaviour and decide to

address her, she asks whether this was the train to xxx. I reply

``yes'', and go back to reading, having concluded that she actually

wanted to confirm our destination---in my head, just another case of a

teenage girl lacking in common sense (as displayed by how she went

about asking her question). She remains seated, silently, for another

ten seconds of increasing freak-out, then returns to her friend.

To digress on two items for the laudable women who do approach men,

especially young men: Firstly, even the rudest rejection by a man can

be a misunderstanding out of sheer stupidity. The girl here may have

come away with a severe blow to her self-esteem and a feeling of

humilation---yet, it was no more than inexperience with women and poor

social skills on my behalf (I still have feel badly about it).

Secondly, err on the side of explicitness, and do not be afraid to

actually state your intentions. If she had led with a ``Hi, I am Jill.

May I join you?'' she would have had good chances; had she tried ``You

are cute. Would you care to have a cup of coffee with me?'', she could

have been making out me within twenty minutes (had she been so

inclined).

3. I once had a female colleague (early thirties to my late twenties),

who, like I, was not a native speaker, and with whom I done some

flirting. At one point she suggested that we tutor each other in our

respective native languages. I declined, because I had little free

time and were not that interested in her language. She made a lengthy

attempt to convince me. After continued declinations, I inquired why

she had this interest in my language. Her answer: Her boy-friend was a

countryman of mine and she wanted to be able to speak to his parents.

This incident had me very puzzled, because of the incongruencies: On

the one hand, mentioning her boyfriend at all seems a very negative

sign. On the other, the explanation seemed a bit odd to me (and would

have been mentioned upfront, had I been in her shoes), it would be

more natural for her boy-friend to tutor her, and she was decidedly

googly-eyed.

(Remaining examples are taken from a recent period of daily train commuting,

which abounded with similar situations, and is the reason I have a

re-awoken interest in these issues. Note that I am spoken for at the

moment, so irrespective of my interpretations I had to refrain from

any actions.)

4. A woman (25?) approaches me on the plattform and asks me, whilst

playing with her hair, whether train xx has already left. I give a

factual and brief, but polite, answer in a neutral voice. She looks

insulted and walks away in a huff.

5. A woman (early twenties) sitting opposite to me shifts her legs in

a manner such that her shoe flipped the fold/crease in the lower part

of my trouser leg from one side to the other thrice during a fifteen

minute ride. No direct leg contact occurs. (To clarify: In a seating

position with the soles on the ground, the front crease of the trouser

leg stands out from the knee down. Eventually, at the end of the

trousers, it reaches a horizontal distance of a few inches from the

ankle. The resulting, vaguely sail-like area was moved by her foot.)

6. A woman (early thirties) sitting opposite to me stands up, without

apparent reason, just to immediately sit down next to me. (As I

understand it, women consider the latter position more intimate than

the former. Then again, she may simple have had the sun in her eyes.)

So long story short, you're crazy?

I have no idea what's going on here.

dont ever post anything that long ever again

Dude, you're insane and WAY too analytical.

I just got this mental image of a guy over analyzing me, when I maybe just wanted to ask a polite question or am flirting or am simply wiggling my foot or swapping seats on the bus.

Sometimes people are just doing their own thing, man. Poor social skills indeed. Why did she have to "start with hi" so you could be "certain of her intentions"? Just talk to people. You're approaching complex human interaction like math, as if it has a formula.

I feel for ya,

I can get too analytical too. What's frustrating is that some people talk like they have all of the answers. In reality they are blessed with low enough I.Q.s to think they know what's going on.

Try assuming that she is into you next time you are in one of these situations. Its OK to mess-up and overshoot sometimes. You'll get a better feel for it this way.

If it's anything like his other thread, every story here is fabricated anyway, so answer however you wish.

Dude, you're insane and WAY too analytical.

 

I just got this mental image of a guy over analyzing me, when I maybe just wanted to ask a polite question or am flirting or am simply wiggling my foot or swapping seats on the bus.

 

Sometimes people are just doing their own thing, man. Poor social skills indeed. Why did she have to "start with hi" so you could be "certain of her intentions"? Just talk to people. You're approaching complex human interaction like math, as if it has a formula.

You misunderstand my intentions: I am actually interested in the

behaviour of people from a more scientific, non-pragmatical view.

Further, looking at the many discussions that occur in this forum, I

honestly believe that most posters here do not understand the opposite

sex at all. By adding a piece of the puzzle that is women here and

there, I do have pragmatical benefits.

Have you ever had a girlfriend? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm honestly wondering. People who have been in relationships before don't get stuck on silly details like that.

Being someone who has a very analytical and scientific mind, I can understand this.

Sometimes I look to a past event with a girl and wonder whether she had any interest, was simply messing with me, or just had a legit question (if she asked a question). Most of the time I rule it out as the last option.

Being able to analyze what happened in the past can help with future interactions in the future. It's easy for others to dismiss this as being too analytical, but they don't understand how to deal with a lack of social skills.

Okay, I'll bite. My breakdown:

1. During a past-midnight session in the computer lab of my college, a

co-ed (23 to my 19) taking the same course strikes up a conversation,

which quickly turns into her speaking on how she has missed the last

bus home, cannot get home until five or six in the morning, and has

no-one to crash with. In the end, she makes a derogatory comment

about my intelligence and explicitly asks me to take her to my place.

 

 

Note that there had been several previous events where she had seated

herself next to me in class, asked me to study with her, made

compliments about nothings, and similar. Without this background

information, it is not clear whether she had her eyes set on just a

room for the night, or both the room and me. (And unfortunately she

grew tired of me in less than two weeks, being a bit of a gentlemen's

woman.)

You already know the answer to this one. She made it pretty obvious.

2. I (21? at the time) am sitting in the train to xxx, deeply

engrossed in a book. The car is empty except for me and two girls

(18?) talking a few seats away. One of the girls gets up, and squeezes

down in the seat opposite mine. (With my leaning forward, elbows on my

knees and my hands even further out, she once millimeters from

failing.) She remains silent. After about ten seconds of silence,

just as I start to freak-out over her absurd behaviour and decide to

address her, she asks whether this was the train to xxx. I reply

``yes'', and go back to reading, having concluded that she actually

wanted to confirm our destination---in my head, just another case of a

teenage girl lacking in common sense (as displayed by how she went

about asking her question). She remains seated, silently, for another

ten seconds of increasing freak-out, then returns to her friend.

This sounds like she might have been interested - if she was just wondering about whether it's the right destination she would have just asked the question outright and then walked away (see #4).

3. I once had a female colleague (early thirties to my late twenties),

who, like I, was not a native speaker, and with whom I done some

flirting. At one point she suggested that we tutor each other in our

respective native languages. I declined, because I had little free

time and were not that interested in her language. She made a lengthy

attempt to convince me. After continued declinations, I inquired why

she had this interest in my language. Her answer: Her boy-friend was a

countryman of mine and she wanted to be able to speak to his parents.

 

This incident had me very puzzled, because of the incongruencies: On

the one hand, mentioning her boyfriend at all seems a very negative

sign. On the other, the explanation seemed a bit odd to me (and would

have been mentioned upfront, had I been in her shoes), it would be

more natural for her boy-friend to tutor her, and she was decidedly

googly-eyed.

I think you're reading into this one. In many cases, SOs aren't actually good at teaching their partners their native language, often because it can be really frustrating. I speak from personal experience. So I don't see any special significance in the idea that she wanted to practice with a friend instead. What do you mean by "she was decidedly googly-eyed"? I have to admit, based on some of your other assumptions about what women are thinking, I'm not wholly convinced by this...

4. A woman (25?) approaches me on the plattform and asks me, whilst

playing with her hair, whether train xx has already left. I give a

factual and brief, but polite, answer in a neutral voice. She looks

insulted and walks away in a huff.

Personal pet peeve: get OVER the hair-playing thing. I twirl my hair all the time, and it signifies nothing more or less than anxiety. I've been doing it since I was two and had a few hairs on my head; there's photographic evidence. It is NOT a good indicator of sexual interest. For some women, I suppose, it may be a goofy way of indicating they want your attention, but I PROMISE you that there are plenty of people who just do it absent-mindedly and while thinking of something decidedly unsexy.

Also, she asked you a question, you answered, she left. Based on your previous post, in which you tried to get into the mind of that other girl and sort of overdid it, I'm going to say you're probably overdoing the "walks away in a huff" thing here. If her train had already left, that might explain the huff, don't you think? I doubt it had anything to do with your lack of interest.

Doesn't sound like she was interested to me.

5. A woman (early twenties) sitting opposite to me shifts her legs in

a manner such that her shoe flipped the fold/crease in the lower part

of my trouser leg from one side to the other thrice during a fifteen

minute ride. No direct leg contact occurs. (To clarify: In a seating

position with the soles on the ground, the front crease of the trouser

leg stands out from the knee down. Eventually, at the end of the

trousers, it reaches a horizontal distance of a few inches from the

ankle. The resulting, vaguely sail-like area was moved by her foot.)

Jesus. This one's also a NO. Way too much analysis; sounds much more like you were interested in her and were therefore looking desperately for ANY sign that she was moved by your proximity.

6. A woman (early thirties) sitting opposite to me stands up, without

apparent reason, just to immediately sit down next to me. (As I

understand it, women consider the latter position more intimate than

the former. Then again, she may simple have had the sun in her eyes.)

Not enough information, so I'd say no.

Seems to me like you know perfectly well which ones are interested. They actually were fairly straightforward about it, in the sense that they didn't give vague, quasi-body-language type signals but sat down and practically STARED at you until you acknowledged them.

You're WAY over-analyzing things. I am guilty of being over-analytical about things, but I've learned that it's pointless when it comes to women. You'll NEVER figure them out, just accept it. There is no formula to knowing if a girl likes your or not. Some are pretty obvious about it, others not so much.

For example, two years ago I started talking to this girl I had vaguely known for awhile. We started hanging out, and one night when we were all hanging out with friends at her place, where she had been ripping on me and cracking jokes at my expense all night (I fired back of course); that's bad, right? I didn't see it that way. When everyone left, I cornered her and went in for the kiss without even saying anything. She fully returned this kiss, and we started seeing each other regularly after that.

The last girl I was with: I had known her for many months before we started dating. This one made it pretty blatantly obvious she liked me, as she was constantly showing up at my place. Once she started tickling me while we were alone, I mean if you can't take that hint you're pretty dense. She was nervous as she was talking non-stop, and the only way for me to get her to stop was to kiss her. Let's just say she enjoyed it.

My point is, there is no clear cut rules for determining if a girl likes you. Some are very reserved and won't show too many signs, some are passive-aggressive, some make it obvious. Some just like to play games (no thanks).

My advice is to stop analyzing everything, and just go with the flow. You gotta take risks every now and then, but you'll get a good gut feeling of whether a girl likes you or not.