GF wants a break to figure out if I'm worth it!

Hey everyone, I posted this in the dating forums too, but I think it'd be much more fitting here, so if you don't mind reading about my story, here goes

My girlfriend and I are currently on a break after 8 months of dating, the last two of which have been long-distance because we are going to separate medical schools. I am 22 and she is 21, and I know I'm deeply in love with her and she is with me. She is the sweetest, funniest, most caring person I have ever met, and I can see myself being with her in the future. The problem is, I am Chinese and she is Indian, and her family is very conservative. My family is pretty liberal and doesn't really care who I date, but her family, especially her dad, won't tolerate interracial dating. So far, I've been kept a secret from her family, but we've gotten to the point where we feel it's time to tell her parents. I've never experienced the behavior of a conservative/traditional family and I don't know her parents that well (I've never met them!), so I'm trusting her when she says that her dad will blow a fuse and possibly disown her, and after reading similar stories of such happenings on these forums, I think that it's a possible reaction.

Although she loves me very much and we have amazing chemistry, we are each other's first real boyfriend/girlfriend, and she is still quite young and inexperienced. She has told me that she wonders if she will miss out on anybody if she sticks with me, and because of the cultural differences between us, her primary concern is that she will have to endure hell/disownment from her parents if we're together, so her thinking is, how do I know there's not an Indian version of you out there so that I won't have to deal with my parents if I find him? She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She worries a lot about that, and I guess the family situation puts a lot of stress on her. But I feel really comfortable committing to her because I know that I can be really happy with her, and I have no problem with the idea that I might not ever experience other people because I know that what I want is her.

About a month ago, she said she needed a break so that she can think things out and decide what she wants, and she wants to tell her dad about us when December rolls around. Our break isn't strictly NC, but we agreed we can call each other once a week. She is very attached to her family and loves them very much, and it's just tearing her apart that she might have to choose between me and her family. We were just fine before long-distance started because we were more carefree and kind of lived in the moment. We talked about the future before extensively, but when long-distance hit, it felt like things got really serious really fast. I guess due to the commitment involved in making long-distance work, we really started thinking about our future really hard, which is almost unfortunate because we've been together for such a short period of time that it seems like the circumstances make us move faster than we want to.

I think that I've been as supportive and understanding as I can with her situation. It just kills me because I wish that I could take the brunt of her parents' hostility and not her because I think I could handle it, and I hate to see her torn like this. I think a big reason in all this is that she says Indian family ties can run really deep, which is ironic considering how willing her dad might be to disown her, and I'm almost afraid that it will be a long time before she has the courage to establish independence, or at least assert that she is an adult and can make her own decisions with her life.

We've talked about what could happen in December, and right now she says she doesn't know what she'll decide. But I told her that she'll have one shot at me, that if she decides that she can't handle being with me, then I won't wait around for her in the next few years to mature or become more independent because it's not fair for her to string me along like that. I want to move on if she feels she can't be with me. Also on top of that, we're both in medical school 600 miles away from each other, so we'll be too busy to really keep in touch with each other if our hearts aren't in it, and when we graduate there's a small chance we'll end up in the same area unless we're in a relationship and coordinate our careers to intersect in the same city, so this really is her only shot at me.

After a month of break, she says all she can do is think about me and she misses me so much. Usually if we ever break from our once-a-week talking rule, it's her that initiates with an email, text, or phone call. It drives me crazy sometimes because we're inherently really good for each other, it's just the culture barrier that keeps us apart, and it would break my heart to lose her to something like that. I personally think she's afraid to be so committed to someone at such a young age, and with the parental stress on top of that, I think it's just overwhelming for her. But that's me seeing the world through my rose-colored glasses; I really don't think the underlying issue is my personality or character or basic compatilibility.

The only thing she says that worries me a little bit is that when we were together and sometimes when she would see me, she would look at me and be kind of surprised, like "oh wow, you're my boyfriend." She says it sometimes hasn't sunk in that we're together and that I'm really hers. I don't know what to make of this, but part of me thinks it's that this is her first relationship and I kind of just dropped into her life all of a sudden (we weren't really friends and hardly spoke to each other before we were a couple), or that she has some mental barrier in the back of her mind always telling her that I'm Chinese, and her entire life, both hers and her family's expectations was that she would be with an Indian. But I simply don't know what to make of it.

So basically I'm just looking to see if you guys have any insights on what she might be thinking or going through, or any advice on what I can do in this situation because I essentially feel powerless since ultimately it's her decision to make. And I'm wondering what can be accomplished with this break, she told me that she appreciates me more after this one month, and I guess I'm hoping that these periods of no contact will let her know how big a part I am in her life. I just feel really confused and scared for our future a lot because I just don't know what's going to happen. Sorry this post is so long, but I just had to get a lot off my chest, thanks for listening

This is such a sad thing..

you are both very young but very mature and are dealing with things really well.. normally if someone was saying they needed a break to see how much they wanted you or love you etc id say move on...

but this is a toughy.. Family is so important to her and

if it was me i couldnt break that bond.. how would she feel if they did ask her to choose?

say she chose you... in time she would regret that decision.. and vice versa:confused:

The odds seem very against you 2 working out.. maybe this time will help you to realise that or help her realise she needsto get her family to accept you and choose you

i hope it works out in the best way for you.. even if that means letting her go.

we are all here to help and support you x

Wow... I can't find a win win in this one... Best of luck to you both.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and support!

Right now, she told me that at this point in her life, she doesn't think she can take being disowned. Although her dad will certainly have a really negative reaction towards the news, actual disownment is a only small possibility, and we're just trying to prepare for the worst and cover all grounds so that we are ready to deal with anything that comes our way. There's also the very very small possibility that her dad might actually accept me with open arms, but I'm not holding my breath for that one

But I think that right now she's just too young and not emotionally ready to deal with these pressures, so hopefully, and I don't know how likely it will be, she will find some insights and have a clearer idea of what she really wants in life during these remaining two months of break. She's trying to figure out how much stress from her parents she can endure, and how much of a fight she's willing to put up for our relationship, and I guess basically she's trying to decide how valuable I am to her and whether or not I'm worth the potential trouble.

Hey.

Such a tough situation, I know, I speak from experience. I've been dating an Asian man (I'm white) for seven years, who's family don't even know I exist. There are huge religious and cultural barriers between us, and there is an expectancy that his family will disapprove (even disown him) should they find out. We're now considering whether we should tell his parents, as we're both at a point in our lives of wanting marriage, children and a happy ever after.

I think if your both serious about this relationship you should take the step of letting the family know. I regret that we've left it as long as we have - it's been a constant milnstone around our necks which has had a massive impact on our relationship over the years.

It is however vitally important that your relationship is strong before you take that next step - the interference, disapproval or even out right rejection of her family could have massive repercussions which could damage you both. Particularly for her, how would she feel if she was disowned by her family only to have your relationship deteriorate a few months/years later - that would be a bitter pill to swallow.

I can understand her wanting some time to figure her feelings out. However, I think once she has reach her decision (and it's to continue your relationship) you need to have a serious conversation that considers each of the potential outcomes and how you are going to deal with it, i.e. supporting each other, influencing family members, etc.

Wow sweetnlow, 7 years is a really long time! And I was getting pretty frustrated after 8 months! I can barely imagine how it must feel to be kept a secret for that long.

I have told her that if she tells her parents' and we stay together, I will be 100% committed to her and do whatever I can to help her cope. I have no idea how different our relationship will be under those circumstances, but all I know is that I will still love her, care for her, and support her through what she'll be going through. I can't offer more than those general words of comfort to her because frankly, I don't know what the situation will be like.

Where do you see yourself with your man? Can you see yourself getting married to him, and does he feel the same way? And what kind of stresses did the secrecy have on your relationship? For me, I used to think that her parents were going to dictate the relationship. I thought that if her parents wouldn't approve, she should tell them sooner so that we can get out of the relationship before we waste our time any further, so I felt that the situation was out of our control. And from what she told me, this seemed to be the case, so there were times I'd get really frustrated at her because I thought she didn't have the courage face reality and was just stringing me along indefinitely.

But now, I think that our relationship is ultimately her choice and not her parents because after a lot of talks and thinking, I believe that if two people really want to be together for the rest of their lives, they should have the freedom to. At some point she will have to lead her own life and not blame things on her parents, no matter how dire the situation may be. So now I don't feel the same urgency for her to tell her parents because I think that if we grow as a couple, then someday when the time is right she'll have the courage to do what she wants and not what her parents want. But at the same time, I'm almost glad she's making a real effort to let them know by December because like you said, I still don't like the idea of having a millstone around our neck.

We stumbled into our relationship largely by accident. We were friends first, grew closer, started dating (but said to ourselves, it's never going to get serious), then bam! - we were seven years down the line...

Initially we didn't tell his parents because we didn't believe the relationship was going anywhere. Then when my parents found out they weren't the most open minded, but have grown to adjust over the years (my Mum still thinks I'm going through "a phase") - this scared us, as I imagine his parents reaction would be ten times worse than that of my Mum and Dad!?! After that I think we believed our life would be easier if we just didn't tell them, his parents would never approve of us living together, sleeping together, etc - so we figured if we could live our life without them knowing, why not - it seemed less hassle all round.

Now we're near make or break. We broke up a few months back due in part to the fact we weren't progressing and I was getting serious doubts whether it was worth all the stress - I sometimes just yearn for a normal life. We're back together after a three month break and weighing up our options.

It doesn't seem the right time now either, as I don't think we're strong enough as a couple to endure the strain of his parents disapproval. So, still in limbo.

The fact that I am a secret has had a terrible strain on our relationship. There are instances where he's ignored me in public when he's seen a family member or friend of the family, that can be hurtful. Or the time when I was rushed to hospital, only for him to leave me by myself for eight hours straight because he thought the doctor treating me knew his Dad. A few argument ensued after that one! He's even asked me to covert to Islam for the sake of pleasing his parents when we eventually tell them, despite knowing I'm as Atheist as they come.

It is a strain for him too though. He constantly has to lie to his family about where he is and who he is with. Its difficult for us to objectively talk about his family as I hold a pre-conceived idea of what they are like (mostly through listening to his many grumps and groans about them), so he often now doesn't tell me things - which can create an additional distance and aggro between us. He lives with me only part time and his family the rest of the time too, it can be difficult living out of a suitcase. Basically he is torn between two very different worlds.

I know he desperately wants to get married and have children, and I honestly thought that when the time was right he would make the decision to tell his parents. I have always been very cautious never to pressure him, as I wanted it to be his decision. I admit its disconcerting seven years on!?!

At this juncture he proposes that once we're settled again that we tell his parents and then get married immediately - his argument for getting married straight away is down to the fact his parents wouldn't approve of our current living arrangements. I'm of the opinion that we tell them, carry on living together (full time as oppose to part time!), see what impact they have on our relationship and all being well progress to marriage. He's not so keen on that idea, and we're still seeking our happy medium.

I suppose the lessons to take from my experience is, don't drag this out too long. If something is meant to be, it's worth the fight - delaying the battle just jades your enthusiasm and deepens anxieties. If I knew at the beginning I would be where I am seven years on, I think I would have been much more demanding and, if that failed, painful as it would be, I would have left.

However you both must be sure that this relationship is truly what you both want and that you are strong enough as a couple to endure whatever her parents may throw at you. I don't think I could ever ask my partner to tell his parents about us, if for a second I thought (deep down) it wasn't going to work out or I couldn't give it my all. That's just not fair to ask.

Not sure if any of this helps. Maybe just knowing your not alone in your situation. I'm always around if you want to talk more (email is schrodinga at btinternet dot com)

Sweetnlow, your story is so tragic, and I really feel for you here... It really does help to know that I'm not going through this alone, but also, I really wish that you and your man no longer have to share these hardships that I'm going through, and hopefully get through to the parents, get married, and have kids someday

I've also had the experience of her basically turning her back on me when she sees people who might know her family. I know she does what she has to do, but it still hurts. When we walk together in the mall and she sees one of these people, she'll suddenly let go of my hand and kind of walk along with me while keeping a good chunk of distance in between us, and it can get pretty awkward and annoying. And over the summer when school was out and she lived at home, I couldn't see her for days at a time even though we had no school to busy us and she lived 10 miles away from me; she was afraid of her dad coming home from work and finding either me at her house or her missing from her house. Very very strict parents So usually she'd have to sneak out of her house at 1 or 2 AM after her parents have slept so that we could see each other for a few minutes.

Now though, I don't really think there's much else for me to say or do except to play the waiting game and get the most out of these weekly phone calls. If all goes well and the fates roll the dice in our favor, I'll return in December and update this thread with some good news Thanks for all your support, LS has been great!

I have an update if anybody has been following this story of mine

She just called me 2 nights ago at 2 am to say that she wants to get back together. Her reason in short was that she was thinking too much about what MIGHT happen in the future with regards to her dad and us, and that stress led to the break which we were on. Instead, she now says she wants to put all of her energy into focusing on what we have NOW and try to nurture our relationship to the point where she feel like she can tell her dad and be ready for the consequences.

I was hoping for this moment, and it came a lot sooner than I expected, but now I just feel kind of weird and awkward. I think it's because I was kind of used to being single, and all of a sudden I'm not again. She feels the same way, but I hope it's just a phase. I guess it'd be unreasonable to expect us to simply pick up where we left off, being 100% comfortable with each other right off the bat. I'm going to visit her in a few weeks, and I think after we see each other in person we can get a better feel of where we stand and where we'll be headed, and if the weird/awkward feeling is still there, then maybe things won't work out, but who knows. I'm keeping my fingers crossed