Heartbreak ;(

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hey all you wonderful people![/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Well I am here looking for help/advice, or just someone who I can talk to. I have been having some serious girl problems. I will try to lay our relationship out for you. We are both 20, and were high school sweethearts, I was a star football player, she a beautiful cheerleader…….. you get the point. Her dad left her when she was 3, and her mom is a rotten mother, loving but cannot provide, and I have never heard them have a conversation, just yelling. But when college rolled around, she turned into the typical college girl, drinking, partying, wanting to dress sexy and attract men. She gave me the whole “I want to experience college single” speech so we know we are the right ones for each other. I do go to parties, but have never had alcohol in my life.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Now in college, we have remained in close contact, see each other every few weeks, talk multiple times daily. She never enjoyed the feeling of sex, but just enjoyed it because “it was with me.” But I came to find out last week that she has had a guy for about 6 months and they have had sex. She told me this after I asked, she doesent keep things from me; but I was shocked because I honestly thought she would never have sex with anyone else because she is self conscious and not a sexual person. But my world was rocked, and I have been crying nonstop for a few days now. I call her when I am bawling and she is helpful. Even though I feel like telling her I don’t love her, and never want to see and talk to her again, I can’t. I don’t even know what is the right thing to do. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I will have a VERY comfortable starting salary with no debt to pay off after college, and have treated her like a princess ever since I met her. All of her family tells her to never let me go because I am rare………… She is not so well off financially……. I know it does not mean everything, but it is a positive thing. But she still tells me that I am the one she sees herself with in the future because I know her better than anyone and we love each other. We are each other’s rock and all that lovely stuff.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]But I don’t know what to do, it is going to be hard for me to continue being so close with her when my insecurities about her having sex are so exposed. I don’t know if I can tell her I don’t want to talk to her because she has abandonment issues from her father, and I think I played a father figure for her. But in high school I turned her life around, she had a 1.0 gpa and didn’t care for school. I motivated her and now she is doing fine in college.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]What should I DO?????????? I hurt so bad seeing images of my little angel sleeping with another man; I honestly thought the sun would explode before that happened, she is just not a sexual person.[/sIZE][/FONT]

I kind of skimmed through because the formatting you did didn't work and it was a difficult read...but anyhow...

I'm a junior in college, and I have not seen ONE SINGLE RELATIONSHIP make it from highschool to college. There's a HUGE transformation one goes through when growing from highschool age to college age. People simply grow apart. It's hard for you because she's always been a part of your life, and you want her to continue to be because it's comfortable and you love her. But she's being very responsible in telling you that she wants to be single in college. College is chock full of stresses, and she just doesn't want her relationship with you to be one of them.

Let her go. If she comes back, then maybe you two have grown at the same speed and in the same direction. If not? Go out and meet new women. There are SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS for you to choose from when you go to college, and you really are missing out if you're only spending time with one of them.

College is the best time of your life. Share the wealth!

Hard to imagine the star football player getting "friend zoned", but there ya go, presuming the relationship is now non-sexual.

Great time to learn that one can't be responsible for another's life, only their contribution to it. Enjoy being a likely popular single college guy and the life experience that such brings. Her path will take her where it will and maybe your paths will cross again.

Its hard too because when I call her crying, she is just supportive and sweet. Saying that we need to go out and do this thing so we know we are the right ones for each other in the end. And when she thinks about not being with me in the future, she gets so sad. And I feel that by going no contact, I will hurt her even more than she hurt me. And I don't know how she can go through life without having me there supporting her.

Maybe you can read this one?

Hey all you wonderful people!

Well I am here looking for help/advice, or just someone who I can talk to. I have been having some serious girl problems. I will try to lay our relationship out for you. We are both 20, and were high school sweethearts, I was a star football player, she a beautiful cheerleader…….. you get the point. Her dad left her when she was 3, and her mom is a rotten mother, loving but cannot provide, and I have never heard them have a conversation, just yelling. But when college rolled around, she turned into the typical college girl, drinking, partying, wanting to dress sexy and attract men. She gave me the whole “I want to experience college single” speech so we know we are the right ones for each other. I do go to parties, but have never had alcohol in my life.

Now in college, we have remained in close contact, see each other every few weeks, talk multiple times daily. She never enjoyed the feeling of sex, but just enjoyed it because “it was with me.” But I came to find out last week that she has had a guy for about 6 months and they have had sex. She told me this after I asked, she doesent keep things from me; but I was shocked because I honestly thought she would never have sex with anyone else because she is self conscious and not a sexual person. But my world was rocked, and I have been crying nonstop for a few days now. I call her when I am bawling and she is helpful. Even though I feel like telling her I don’t love her, and never want to see and talk to her again, I can’t. I don’t even know what is the right thing to do.

I will have a VERY comfortable starting salary with no debt to pay off after college, and have treated her like a princess ever since I met her. All of her family tells her to never let me go because I am rare………… She is not so well off financially……. I know it does not mean everything, but it is a positive thing. But she still tells me that I am the one she sees herself with in the future because I know her better than anyone and we love each other. We are each other’s rock and all that lovely stuff.

But I don’t know what to do, it is going to be hard for me to continue being so close with her when my insecurities about her having sex are so exposed. I don’t know if I can tell her I don’t want to talk to her because she has abandonment issues from her father, and I think I played a father figure for her. But in high school I turned her life around, she had a 1.0 gpa and didn’t care for school. I motivated her and now she is doing fine in college.

What should I DO?????????? I hurt so bad seeing images of my little angel sleeping with another man; I honestly thought the sun would explode before that happened, she is just not a sexual person.

You have to go no contact until you heal...or else you will be hurting yourself by keeping in contact

it's not good for you...best to stop the contact

And I feel that by going no contact, I will hurt her even more than she hurt me. And I don't know how she can go through life without having me there supporting her.

Help us understand this dynamic better. Precisely how do you think not having personal contact with her will "hurt her" and enumerate some reasons how your "support" is instrumental to her continued existence.

Understanding such might help you move forward.

Its hard too because when I call her crying, she is just supportive and sweet.

Hey man, I have to interject with a little LS tough love on this one...

Dude, whatever you do - DON'T CALL HER CRYING!

If you decide that staying in touch with her is necessary (most on here will probably try to convince you otherwise), switch it up before the mental picture in her head totally changes from high school football star to college freshman woos!

This may be hard for you to hear, but you better get ready for what you are about to see. Beautiful high school cheerleaders don't stay non-sexual very long when they become hot college freshmen. Your only chance of even wanting anything to do with this girl is to embrace that and get yourself on the college ass-wagon. If you don't show her (for real, not acting) that you are man enough to buck-up in college the way you did in high school, she won't respect you. Plus, you are likely to meet somebody real soon that blows her little act away. Don't let this ruin your first year of school - keep her in your heart if it helps, but don't shrivel up right before her eyes.

I am not saying not to cry or feel what you are going through - I'm a grown ass man in my forties and just got done crying my balls off 7 weeks ago. The difference is, I got the hell out of my ex's sight when I felt it coming on.

Come here to be weak if you must, but STUD_UP in front of her and all the other hot girls at your school.

All these responses have been so helpful. But about the no contact and leaving her...... Her mom is not really there for her, she never really met her dad. She has abandonment issues, and I don't want to leave her becasue she relies on me for everything to this day. And if I leave her now I think it may hurt her and she may never come back to me after feeling abandoned by me........... I guess what it comes down to is that she feels all the men in her life leave her???

All these responses have been so helpful. But about the no contact and leaving her...... Her mom is not really there for her, she never really met her dad. She has abandonment issues, and I don't want to leave her becasue she relies on me for everything to this day. And if I leave her now I think it may hurt her and she may never come back to me after feeling abandoned by me........... I guess what it comes down to is that she feels all the men in her life leave her???

but that's not your problem anymore...she is sleeping with another dude while you are hurting and posting on LS

you have to focus on you...let her make the choice...don't be there for her while she's getting it from another guy

All these responses have been so helpful. But about the no contact and leaving her...... Her mom is not really there for her, she never really met her dad. She has abandonment issues, and I don't want to leave her becasue she relies on me for everything to this day. And if I leave her now I think it may hurt her and she may never come back to me after feeling abandoned by me........... I guess what it comes down to is that she feels all the men in her life leave her???

I'm going to float a theory for you to think about.

Is it possible that she loves you but, due to exactly what you're proffering regarding men in her life, she does not feel that she is worthy of your love, and has proceeded into "the single life" to have relationships of a more superficial depth (I do not infer meaningless, just less emotionally deep) at her age and state of emotional development.

I know it's easy to say "she's boning some other guy, forget her", but, usually, there's more to it than that, especially with her history. Validate that she's an important part of your history and life, accept that she's selecting a different path for now, and proceed on a path that benefits you. Those paths may cross again or they may not. You've got a lot of life ahead of you. Make the most of it. I'm sure that's her wish for you.

One bit of warning....if you do choose to date other women during your period of "grief", try to be respectful of their feelings. I'm pretty sure that goes without saying for you, but it is worth mentioning, as we sometimes forget such things during periods of grief.

Wow, what an exciting time (your college years). Try to see it from that perspective, take some actions, and I'll bet positive emotions will follow. I wish you well

I cannot express all the help you guys are. That's kind of what I was getting at about her family issues; I know there is no right answer but her mom goes through/went through so many men, and now is depressingly single and has a poor job. As much as my girl does not want to be like her, seems she is going down the same path?

The hardest and most depressing part is that she was so held back and unopen about sex with me. And even though I'm sure its this way for her new guy too, I picture her being different about it. And the guys she goes after now are either 1. "wanna be gangbangers" or 2. the guy she is dating now is in a rock band

And sometimes I feel things are different for us than other people. I wouldn't consider us TRUE ex's. She still NEEDS me in her life, but I don't know what to do still! I know shes won't find better and will eventually want me in the end..........

hey vg6951,

hang in there. things will get a lot better for you if have little or no contact with her. i know it is a difficult thing to do, but soapbox is right. a lot of people go through huge transformations during college and end up hurting the significant other that loves them simply because they've grown apart. it happened to me and my ex who was my best friend for four years and bf for three. i loved him so much but during his senior year in college he changed dramatically and out of the blue one day dumped my ass and shut me out of his life because he found a superficial scene girl with a huge network of friends to be more appealing then an intelligent individual that doesn't bend easily to the norm of acceptance or the glamour of partying.

if you can't stop contact with her all at once (because she is initiating it. not the other way around) i'm sure you can find the right balance of being there for her occasionally without giving her the chance to take you for granted.

Thanks bee, those words make me stronger. Thats kind of what I am going through.......... so what ended up happening to you and him?

And I'm starting NC today.......... we will see how it goes.......

well it's been four months since the breakup. there are ups and downs that go along with it but for the most part, remember that the worst thing that has happened to you has happened and your ex no longer has the right to have any power over you. despite the loss and hurt your ex has caused you, she gave up that special privilege the moment she broke your heart. As long as you avoid the temptation to: initiate contact, spill too much information about yourself, or stumble upon her myspace/facebook, the road to healing will be easier. Become a mystery to her.

And the attempt at yesterday's NC was TERRIBLE......... I did ok most of the day, went to the gym, saw a movie. But on my ride home, I started going nuts! I was home for about 1.5 hours just bawling my eyes out, worst episode yet, I just wanted to call her and let her know what she is doing to me. I didn't call but started driving to her house (1.5 hours away) for two reasons:

1. Wanted to shock her and scare her, make her realize how bad I really am doing

2. Maybe catch her sleeping with her new guy and make them feel like ****

3. Tell her to her face that I never want to see her or talk to her again, and take back by promise ring, that she still wears and treasures.

Whoops, big mistake today......... I need some support. It is day 4 of NC and she called me twice this morning, which I ignored....... its hard because I'm always wondering what she needs/wants. But right after that, she texts me, saying why dont you pick up? I couldn't help myself, I had to text back, just saying "I'm just taking care of myself" she then texted back saying "I love you and miss you so so much, and the past few days have been really hard. But I am here for you whatever you need"

I left it at that, feeling kind of bad that I texted back. Well even worse, later that day, I had called her mom, who is very close and open with me. We decided to meet, and talked for about 2 hours. Her daughter sure has her fooled, she said that I had nothing to worry about with this new guy because "I know they aren't fooling around, mothers just can tell" well guess she is wrong if they are banging right? But she was telling me about her conversation with her daughter the previous day, and the mother kept asking, well when do I get to meet this new guy, and why don't you introduce him to all our family down there? (where they both go to school) The daughter just said that "hes not that kind of guy, we are just friends" Well actually it is because he has tatoos up and down, arms covered fully, tatoos on fingers, huge earrings, plays in a rock band, and is partially black (which is not an issue, and I'm not racist) but that is quite the opposite of myself, "Mr. America" So actually that is why she isn't introducing him to the family. And I did not feel it was my place to tell the mother about her daughter having sex, or about the new guy....

I know I am rambling, but bare with me.......... Well the mother was understanding on both sides, she wants SOOOO badly to be my mother-in law, she has seen good and bad men, and wants her daughter to be with me for sure. But she also says that I should text her, not call, just to say some stuff.... well in a moment of weakness, I did, and said something along the lines of "If you are ever in need of help you should either text or leave me a voicemail and I will take care of it. But I love you and I love you enough to let you go"

That was it, and I was suprised I did not get a response...... But I listened to what her mom said and had a moment of weakness....... I really regret texting her that. I think it came out wrong, it came as a mix of what the mom wanted me to say, and my hurt still coming out. I should also add the mom said the daughter had been crying and was upset that she hurt me. I don't know what to do now, I want to pick up next time to see if she is crying and missing me.......

I really need some support and advice guys, help me out...

I guess I should add now that about a year ago when we weren't talking and she was screwing around with a different guy (they didn't have sex) that I DID have sex with a girl she did not like. It was a one time thing, no alcohol, and turned out pretty akward. Am I still the one in the wrong?

I put her through the same thing and she did forgive me a few months later.

No cheating occured, she hasn't cheated on me either. But I am questioning if I have a right to be mad at her. I do plan on avoiding all contact, whether direct or indirect. I guess the reason it hurts so much is that she never enjoyed the physical side of sex with me. So why is she having sex with him? Is she being pressured? Does he turn her on more?

I don't know if my situation can help you, but I do see some parallels that can be very sucky.

I never really had full NC in mind (I am going to sacrifice a lot of my own space and healing to stay close/involved in her daughter's life) and it appears that you don't really either. Your case is one where it is not real easy to see if NC is the way to go yet, but it is starting to look like it is right around the corner.

If I were getting the mixed signals that you were (I didn't - my breakup was mutual, but she gave me the big EF-U in the end), I don't think I would have jumped right into NC - I'd be too afraid that I was doing the wrong thing and would be seen as giving up on her?

If she is hanging with another guy, she will at the VERY LEAST expect the time and space to explore her own life as she sees fit. If you set it up with her in a nice way, NC will give her that (this is a BIGGIE - woman love when you show the stones to give them this space).

If you are running over to talk to her mom about stuff, it sends the signal that your mind is starting to race all over looking for answers (while your ex probably still wants you to get and accept the answers that she is giving you).

So, more importantly than what you choose to do, you need to decide which way to go on this one. While true NC is meant to heal and take care of yourself, you may want to consider the benefits it can have in the eyes of your ex...

Constant contact with someone that is leaving you eventually leads to loss of respect from them - NC her, and she will gain respect for you.

This woman seems to still be getting A LOT of emotional support from you - you are unlike so many of us in that you may actually be missed very much if you stop being there for her (I don't get that luxury ). Be very sure to let her know that you are pulling your support for your own protection and not out of spite - it is very important that she understands the difference here.

This one is ugly and painful, but I have to throw it in there anyways! She could very well be wanting to experiment with sex (or more casual dating with guys) right now and than can be very stressful if she has to feel guilty about it by seeing you all the time. NC will give her the opportunity to sleep with other guys and still return to you later - if she starts sleeping with someone else, but still has to pity you for it, she is likely to never be attracted to you again.

I can't tell you if NC is right in your situation, but I can tell you that petty jealousy and deep insecurities (can you say needy and clingy?) are sure hard to hide when you stay close to a woman in these situations. Myself, I plan on never being around my ex when she starts dating again until I can laugh about it and truly wish her happiness with other men - I am not strong enough to hide my pain.

Whatever you do, think about it hard and make a decision quick - riding the fence on NC is the most painful option, so don't make that mistake!

Good luck, dfree

 

Constant contact with someone that is leaving you eventually leads to loss of respect from them - NC her, and she will gain respect for you.

 

..... I can tell you that petty jealousy and deep insecurities (can you say needy and clingy?) are sure hard to hide when you stay close to a woman in these situations.

*bump*

dfreeman is absolutely right. if you're constantly talking to/seeing a person who has left you, they will most likely take you for granted or find you to be an annoyance. everyone who has been abandoned makes this mistake. our exes are like drugs and we lose our self respect and dignity when we're around them because we suffer from the weak knees phenomena. that is, we're stupidly still in love with them and if they come into contact with us, we act like stupid dopes and trip all over ourselves because we hold onto the moronic hope of them still coming back.

don't let her lose respect for you!