Paranoid boyfriend is threatened by male friend...need advice, please

I've been with James for over 2 years now. We've lived together for most of that time, and currently, we are living about 4000 km away from our home town, and all our family and friends. The reason for this is my going to college. Since we've moved out here, there have been a lot more fights. We've been here for a year, by the way. Even more recently, I've been under a great deal of stress, trying to balance school and work and dealing with the fact that we are so far from the ones we love. James is a naturally paranoid person, he has a very vivid imagination, but I've found lately it's gotten worse. To the point that he's jealous and almost threatened by a male friend of mine, who lives in Detroit (we live in Canada by the way...) I've found myself less attracted to him sexually and craving support and help with dealing with all the stress. Am I in the wrong for wanting this? What should I do? I dont want to give up, I dont want him to have come all the way out here with me for nothing. But I feel like only part of me is in this relationship. On a less emotional side of things, I know i wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own while in school. I'm at a complete loss as to what I should do. Help please!

Sounds like the main reason your living with him is because you can get away with sharing a one bedroom apartment, and maybe he pays for stuff. You don't necesarily have to break up with him, although his paranoia may get the best of him when you suggest living with him isn't working out. put an add in the paper or on the net, and find a roomate who you like and wouldnt mind sharing a room or a bunk bed with. Some times you can find some pretty cheap 2 bed 1 bath apartments to share with a room mate, or just do the bunk bed thing and find another low budget girl to live with. You might find you like this guy again once you no longer live togather, or you might find its alot less stressfull to break up. Stop procrastinating and bring some harmoney back into your life.

To the point that he's jealous and almost threatened by a male friend of mine, who lives in Detroit (we live in Canada... I dont want to give up, I dont want him to have come all the way out here with me for nothing.

In your relationship, is it "only" the jealousy/trust issue that is a problem? Would it be a GREAT relationship if that problem got permanently resolved?

Or is it a matter that you need to attain better stress management skills and learn how to better balance the different areas of your life?

For the first, do some research on the origins of jealousy/trust issues and how you can support James overcoming his problem without you yourself getting caught up in it and enabling him. (This assumes, of course, that you really want to try to resolve this so you two can continue to be in an emotional relationship -- not just based on financial/material need.)

For the second, start learning better life skills so that you can manage and cope with situations and problems in ways that'll work for you.

No matter what happens, he will not have moved with you "for nothing" -- don't take responsibility for that. He also chose to move, and he has had opportunities for new experiences and self-development, etc. (If he didn't see or use those opportunities, it is not your fault.)

James is a naturally paranoid person, he has a very vivid imagination, but I've found lately it's gotten worse. To the point that he's jealous and almost threatened by a male friend of mine, who lives in Detroit (we live in Canada by the way...) I've found myself less attracted to him sexually and craving support and help with dealing with all the stress. Am I in the wrong for wanting this?

Sounds like James is perceptive - he's noticing the distance developing between you. He's noticing that you aren't putting much into the relationship and into him, and are possibly putting something more into your 'friendship' with Detroit guy than mere friendship, so he's concerned. He's not being paranoid if you actually are giving him reason to doubt your feelings, and, in fact, your feelings are that you're concerned about what he can offer you - emotional and financial support.

You get out of a relationship what you put into it. Right now, you're not putting much into James, so he's feeling upset. That makes it hard for him to give to you the emotional support you need to deal with the stress. Give more to him, and he'll relax and start giving more to you. Intimacy is not a one way street.

I'm with NJ. I thought it interesting that you tossed in the "I've found myself less attracted to him sexually and craving support and help with dealing with all the stress" as if to say it's because of his behavior. I'm not thoroughly convinced that this may be one of the reasons he is acting weird. Can you be so sure these feelings of yours didn't start manifesting before your bf started being weird?

Agree with the others so far. You haven't really described how James is jealous about your friend or your friendship.

It's quite possible that his jealousy/paranoia are because you aren't fully present in the relationship and your other stresses have caused some distance. He likely perceives that. So if you seem to have a close friendship with another man, a man he really does not know, of course he'd feel like he isn't a priority, or feel bad that you seek emotional closeness and support from another when you are distancing yourself from him.

It's rare that someone is just jealous, insecure, and paranoid. Usually they act that way because the other person is a bit distant, evasive, or acting in a way that is in a gray area around something inappropriate. So unless you can share details about your friendship, I really think your bf is just being perceptive that you aren't as present in the relationship as you were earlier.

By the way OP, stay away from Detroit men... we're no good