New years resolution..I want my wife and family back..

Here is my link of my situation. I started off in the wrong forum because as we are S OM was involved.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t139662/

So Child of Isis and Tomcat and others with good advice welcome to the right place and Happy new year.

I texted my ex this morning about 9am.

"*****, I would like to wish you a very happy 2008, I wish, hope and pray this year will be a happy one for you, God Bless".

I remember once, not all that long ago a text would be quickly replied to but an hour and half later I had a reply.

"Happy new year to you *****. Heres to a fresh start for both of us and D of course". D= Daughters name.

I really wish I hadn't sent it now. How sick do I feel?

Why do I bother eh? How is she hurting? I am in pain here. She is one tough stubborn and independant woman I can tell you.

How long can I keep this up and to have to drive around her house every so often to pick our D up is going to kill me.

I need some Divine intervention here...

Some hope please. Ok I have had some good advice and they know who they are BUT I am severely lacking in faith right now

Smiley, I posted a reply to your original thread as my response was relevant to the content there. Seeing this I wanted to throw out something else as well. You seem to really be focusing on the long term view and this is bringing you down as you can't see a positive solution and your wanting Divine intervention. My advise is to focus on today and let tomorrow come and getting your self through each day at a time. Work on the little improvements to yourself everyday. Before you know it, your self-esteem and confidence will improve and if your wife is interested she will notice. You are investing your emotions, your expectations and hope of the future on the actions of another. It isn't fair to yourself to give her that kind of control over your life.

Finally you did mention Divine intervention and lack of faith, so I'll go there. I don't know if you are a religious sort, but keep in mind that Divine intervention isn't going to come as a parting of the clouds and a beam of light hitting your wife in the head and suddenly she wants you. It will come in subtle ways; a distraction while your hurting, the extra umph needed to get up some mornings, a bit of insight to yourself you didn't see before. Or it could be the realization of when it's time to move on. Praying is good, it give us hope when we doubt we are able to help ourselves.

Hey thanks for your input.

I just posted on your thread.

Yeah I am working on myself.

What do you think this mean though..exes reply after wishing her Happy new year.

"Happy new year to you also *****. Heres to a fresh start 4 the both of us. And D of course".

D= daughters name.

Can mean anything. 'Fresh start' means 'opportunity to start again without prejudice'.

I am not sure why she mentioned our daughter at the end.

It could mean 'harmony' between us and our daughter or a new beginning for each other. Separate new beginning.

If you have read my thread(s) you will see some insight into how we have been getting on lately.

Well anybody who has been keeping up with my posts which I have brought over here to the right forum.

I had D yesterday from 11am until 5.30pm

STBXW brought her to my house and stayed for 1/2 hr. Advising me on stuff as D has nappy rash.

It was friendly and so we agreed on time to drop her back.

Anyway, I took her back and handed D to ex at the door so that I could go and get pram end stuff. Ex commented that she maybe have parked her car to close to garage door and I replied.."thats not like you to park close to garage door".

Maybe this was a sarcie reply because the only reason she would do this is because somebody was going to park behind her car. Maybe a man friend

Anyway she didn't like this comment and said "what are you implying?" I said, "nothing, just that its harder to get around the car to put your pram back in youur car". I had the pram so I normally put it back in her car.

Anyway, I stepped in crap AGAIN blind in the dark and so as I entered the house I had lots of mud under my boot. I said I wouldn't come because of the mud. So I asked if I could take it off and wash it under the sink. She frowned and said couldn't you do it at your place. I said awe come on..it won't take long and I don't want to get the mud in my car.

So I washed it under her tap. I heard her say why can't you talk to me "normal".

For your information, I parked the car closer to the garage as my parents are over in the morning. I didn't believe this I'm afraid

Anyway, before I left I said bye to my D with "give me a kiss, love" lol

Well my toffee nosed ex sarcastically mimiced this back as she looked way. I replied, "why did you do that?" She replied, "you always say that to other people". Note: Bruce Forsyth, Lily Savage etc does it, also Coronation st characters etc (for us Brits) it is just a habit

Both my exes don't really like it.."thank you love" = term of endearment

I will give you a quick example of my ex "snobbery".

I said to D a coiple of weeks ago before my ex left her with me in my house, "say ta-ra to mummy" as I held her hand to wave. And her mum sarcastically mimiced AGAIN, "we don't say TA-RA! We say bye-bye!"

Hmmmm, I just said "go please".

Anyway, on this occasion I just said.."see you on Monday" (next time I pick up D). So I bit my tongue guys lol

Because ladies and gentleman this is what you have to do sometimes lol

Sooooo that night I am off to the cinema to watch GREAT film. I am the Legend with Will Smith and boy was it a GREAT film.

BUT, I must admit I was suffering from thinking about ex having somebody over that night, why she moved the car close to her garage door?

I couldn't shake it from my mind so I planned to drive by after the movie.

Anyway, I went to the 9.30pm showing.

I put my phone on silent about 9pm. But before I went in I had checked the phone one last time and had 2 missed calls!

It was the ex lol

Anyway I rang her and she said she rang my house and left a message on the answering machine.

She rang to appologize for the way she spoke to me but it was because the way I implied to the car being parked close to the garage. She asked me "where was I?" As there was noise in the background.

I said the cinema. " Oh yeah..who with? Started dating again hmmmm? who with then *****?" (My name). "who is it then, *****? back on the dating scene hmmmm?"

I couldn't speak for a while as I was surrounded by people and ex kept going on "who is it then?" "You normally take dates to the cinema".

I moved to a quiter spot and said.."If you must know, I am on my own as I couldn't stay in the house again".

Went onto say, as I still had the thought of her with OM calling at hers that night. So that would play on my mind during the film.

I said "why should I have to tell you anyway, you don't tell me anything".

She replied, " I am not with anybody, I am on my own and thats how it is".

I said "whats happened to the other guy?"

"I am not with another guy, I can't be bothered. I am staying on my own".

(People reading this about OM will have to read my story).

I couldn't believe we were having this conversation lol

I was so pleased to hear what she was telling me. I am beginning to believe her rather than building up this picture in my head of whats not really there.

It proceeded on me saying I am seeking further counselling and what I had arranged. Also that I was going to suffer a nervous breakdown with current situation.

I wish I didn't say the latter but it slipped out and she was very attentive.

So I felt comfortable telling her that I had an appointment with local doctor this Tuesday etc and somebody else in London regarding my "issues".

To the followers of my situation ( you know who you are) then you know why the ex left me.

The ex replied, "thats wonderful, only wish you had done it sooner. You have to tell them how it ruined your 2 marriages."

This is the first time for mths we have spoken like this I was so relaxed now to watch the film. I had to tell her I had to go. To watch the film.

And that I would see her on Monday. (To pick D up).

I got home and had two messages on my machine. One was at 9.18pm where she said I am ringing to appologize for the way I spoke but it was in reaction to what I implied and secondly she wanted to clarify what time I was picking D up on Monday. Strangely she rang twice. The first she left the message where of course I was there to answer it. The second nothing was said so I dialled call back to see whose number it was and it was hers. So she effectively rang twice

Then of course she rang my mobile phone.

Why my mobile phone (twice) if she had already left a message on my answering machine? Asking me to call her?

Well I drove past her house and there was no car. So I feel so relaxed now.

I have to keep these counselling and doctor appointments.

She now knows even though we have split up I could just go on dating and on with my life. But I am pursueing with my counselling etc so I am doing it for myself and she now knows what I am doing even though it still might not bring us back together. Who knows what she is thinking?

She has made it clear that she isn't seeing anybody etc etc

So who knows what she is now thinking after all this? It wasn't planned, all came out due to her call and I was in a vulnerable position at the time and just told her about the counselling and she said that was "wonderful" lol

Any thoughts guys?

I am so sad.

STBXW rang 8.30pm to ask questions about D and when I am feeding her as I have to pick her up at 8am and my car needs to be taken to garage at 8.15am.

Cut a long story short ex thinks I am putting myself first. I am only dropping off the car and then pushchair back to my house. Then I will feed D. Less than 20 mins.

Turned into an argument. She is so bloody irrational. For gawds sake CHILL OUT!

So regimental about our D's routine. She sure pressed my wrong buttons.

Hanging up on each other like little kids.

So different to last night

In the converstion OM was brought up. As I figured he was giving her attention blah blah..its OVER. She hasn't emotionally moved on.

It is just her and our D. Settling in.

He rings up now again but that is it.

The fact the ex brought up that she is like a switch that when is goes off it stays OFF! She can't help it.

So guys thats it I guess. I know she said in the past with her exes it is the same. NO going back.

What is it with you women? You are so stubborn.

IS it possible at all to switch her back on?

What is exactly switched off here? What is my plan now?

She is a very hard nut to crack and now I feel I have taken yet again 3 steps back

Dude, you have to shut down all non-essential communications with this woman. Obviously she is getting the best of everything. She still has her emotional contact with you. Obviously you want to hear her voice and likely want to know what shes up to, but you have to force yourself to go NC. Its hard, at least at first, but your situation is screaming out for it.

When she calls and you're at a movie, DO NOT call her back. Do not text her NYE messages. She is effectively controlling you - and hey, we've all been there. You send a message, wait an excruciating amount of time, and then your mood for the rest of the day is decided by the content of her reply. After your mood returns to normal then you are trying to see if you can read something into her response. (no you cant by the way).

So shut her down. Only talk regarding your daughter and if she tries to talk beyond this shut her down (I have to go, other line ringing, someone at the door). Not only will this drive your STBX nuts, it will move you forward, either together or alone. But one thing is certain, constantly talking to her WILL NOT achieve the goal that you state - which is to get you two back together.

By the way, my STBX was quite crafty about talking to me, I think subconsciously. I wouldnt talk to her, so when she dropped our kids off, she would babble incessantly about all the stuff she needed/wanted to talk about. Nothing bad, I just stood with my hand on the doorknob.

By the way, South Wales rocks. Unless you're from Swansea. Dodgy place though Wind Street is okay. Newport, Cardiff etc. are fine places.

Thanks for your input.

But I blew it again today

I can't handle seeing my STBX. She is so beautiful and I want to embrace her so badly.

Today was a mess. I picked our D up and had her from 7.30am and done as my ex wished. Took her back to my place and fed her breakfast before taking my car to be fixed. Then brought D back in pram.

Had her all day until I took her back to her mums at 6.45pm.

Stood in the lounge and told ex about about the day and how many poos D had etc

But guys, I am torn inside I really am. I held D in my arms today and cried my heart out with my beautiful D looking up at me.

I am hurting so bad inside BUT I am the one who caused all this crap in the first place to put us both here.

So when I am in the lounge talking I can't help but look at her and wish that we were together and none of this happened.

I was trying to apply the RULES of if you want your ex back you have to abide by the RULES. I couldn't help it. I need closure for my own sanity.

I react to what she says to often when I need to bite my tongue.

And if things start getting out of control make your excuses and LEAVE.

I promised myself this but I blew it

It is because she said she hated me and wish she didn't have to see me again. I know this is because I hurt her and she is still in pain.

(read my story).

She is conscending and patronising. I said I want closure. I want your spouse travel pass back and I want you to contact your solicitor for the divorce. She did say she was going to do it in December but thought it wouldn't be fair on me to land papers down just be for xmas.

It is her whole tone towards me. I think she needs to see a counsellor because of her anger towards me. I can't go on like this.

She kicked me out of the house. I am not sure why I chop and change with the decision to keep her travel pass for as long as possible to help her out. Maybe it is the pain I am feeling that I can't change her mind. That okay, if you have moved on then let me move on to and get R closure. Why should I have to supplement you with a spouse pass when we are not together anymore. I think we need to both sit down and she needs to go to counselling for the anger built up inside.

I need to know what is going on in her head.

She was so angry with me all because I wanted her spouse train travel pass back. (Think I am being used) It saves her £35-£50 per month. She is only working part time so it would help her out financially.

She is so mad she is probably madder than ever. I will let her keep the pass until it expires in July at the most. I can't put up with this pain Just get the divorce sorted. Maybe she is holding back. Maybe she doesn't want it or is in no rush. I think that is what she said she is in no rush.

No..that is balls. She says there is no going back. To little to late etc.

It is the pass she wants. Until she finds her feet it helps her out and uses D against me.

Anyway, she threw me out and then closed the door. Seconds later opened it up and shouted "**** (OM) was a better sh*g!!"

Nice eh?

Ouch. Well you cant get much lower than that. Now if you were a bastard, you would have yelled "yeah well you were **** at xxxxx". But what would the point be.

You are basically doing all the wrong things. Its tough but you need to cut her off. Yeah she's beautiful. But guess what she needs to learn...the grass isnt greener without you. You need to immediately stop talking to her so much. When you drop off/ pick up the kid, just say hello (I dont even say that anymore). Dont talk about poos or anything that in good conscience you dont have to share. Fever etc. are obvious differences.

You're not going anywhere fast unless you can control yourself. And you will never ever ever figure out whats going on in her head, so give it up. When do men ever know whats in a woman's head even at the best of times?

Let her keep the rail pass. Who gives a ****. Show that you are above it. You are not petty. You will not yell sexual slurs. You wish her nothing but the best but you dont wish to talk to her.

You will drive yourself totally mental unless you do this. And you will never ever impress her unless you can show her that you can survive on your two feet. As the books on this say: "if you were trying to win someone in the first place, would you be all needy to them, phone them all the time, text them all the time?" No because you wouldnt seem like an attractive person.

By the way, me and the STBX are not ever getting back together. NC didnt get us back together, but it has gotten me to a much better place. She left me for another guy. She has a better job now but is just an angry person.

I haven't done to well today.

To much time to think about yesterday

I thought she would text or something to appologize for what she said about OM and him being a better shag.

I am sure she said it just to hurt me.

I really wish I walked away yesterday and never mentioned her pass or divorce. If you read my above post I mentioned Saturday to her that I was seeking counselling and therapy. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. She said it was wonderful which I didn't expect.

She also wished I had did it when we were still together and having heard that cheered me up ready for the movie. And then what happens the next 2 nights!!

I am trying so hard to be patient and calm. This is it. From now on I am going to do just that. Not mentioned divorce or pass and get this therapy.

I know she has been hurt to much to go back and possibly go through it again. That she wishes I had changed before when she desparately tried to point this out. I know she loves me deep down under the hurt. But she won't try again because of this.

Geezus! What is wrong with me? This time last year I was happy in my luxury home with W and 2 mth old D.

Life was good and now look at me???

Sorry Stampy I don't know your situation. No way back then? She is definately finished with you? Hard to get them back when OM is involved

doubtful theres a way back for me. I wouldnt have said that even a few months ago, but its been 13 months and eventually the person just isnt a part of your life anymore. Doesnt mean Im happy to be getting divorced, its just reality.

Stay strong, dont contact her, and it will get easier, I promise.

I need help!! Please pray for me.

I am not coping today. I had my D from 9.30am til 6.30pm. Picked her up from her mums. Her mum (my ex) has an appointment in the morning and then she is going into work for a few hours.

My D was still having her breakfast so I went and sat in the car for 5 minutes. It has got to this since I found OM behind her bedroom door.

Nothing has been mentioned about it or me giving the train pass back.

It is hurting me all this. I dropped her off and ex handed me the new roster for my having my D until May. It has been devised on my work shift rota. I work mornings and afternoon shifts.

So that is where she was this morning. Giving a copy to the solicitor and maybe in the next few days I will hear from them agreeing to this. Maybe hear more of the D. But then if I did my ex will no longer be married to me and then she won't be entitled to the train pass.

I haven't brought anything up and like a "wise man who holds his tongue" just "letting it be" for now at least.

I cried all the way home. Screamed out to God why is this happening to me. WHY WHY WHY!!

I see my D this Monday and then not for 10 days! Then on the Friday and then not for 14 days!!

There are big gaps because of my shifts but it works out 19 days in 3 mths.

I am hurting so bad. I still love her and I don't see my D at night times and when she wakes up. This is my penance (she once said).

I am being punished for the rest of my life.

These are terms which she has devised like I am just a babysitter. I have no choice. I pick my D up at the time my exes has instructed. I feel I have no input to her schooling or anything. My ex will probably only contact me if she feels I need to know.

Please tell me what I must do? Do I let it all flow. Bite my tongue?

Is she expecting me to flip or something?

She is acting so cold towards me. Showing no emotion. How can somebody who M me June 2006 look into my eyes with love and say "I do."

And now look at us. Is there some ladies reading this. Can you relate to my ex? Do you really have no feelings for your ex? Can women be really emotionless as this?

I should have posted these prior to the ones above to keep up with my

situation.

I found this email posted to me June 2006. From my ex whilst in work. We were separated (separate bedrooms) but still living in marital home.

You know ***** I have been thinking even more...

 

I still can't get my head around why if you love someone, you want to say such hurtful things all the time when angry, why would you want to hurt me the way you did?

 

In the end I know I began saying things too. It was never me to do that, even if I have shown I am capable since....anyone is more or less capable in the end when pushed enough!!!

 

These are things that will stay with me forever, and I will always wonder why the man that I hoped to spend my life with and grow with wanted to throw it all away with so many issues and things that he did to cause problems in the relationship. Or for that matter why he didnt want me enough to try and change some of the things that even he knew were a problem!

 

I know ***** that you will probably want to defend yourself, but there is no point as it is my feelings on the way this relationship broke down, and they won't change as you didn't try to change the things that were going wrong after all the times I asked/begged you too. So I cannot change my thoughts on it all.

 

Anyway, its all a big shame, but there is no point in stressing about it all now, there were enough chances to make this relationship a cracking one. But it never happened and i dont want to be in this kind of loveless marriage any longer. Nor do I want our daughter growing up in it as she would soon pick up on the problems.

So as not to confuse anybody. This happened 23rd January.

So am I one of few who as the cause of my wife leaving me looking for forgiveness from my wife which she has made clear she will never forgive me and take it to her grave.

Are there many like me who are taking the time on sites as this to shout to the world "please forgive me and I am remorseful and I am ashamed of what I have put my wife through and my eyes are red raw from crying out to God to change me, to put me on the right path and rejoin me and my family."

I guess there are few husbands, angry ones that have been mentioned who are still stuck in there own world. Pride and stubborness..they daren't venture onto a site as this. They walk in there own foot steps believing they are right and everybody else is wrong.

My ex has told me I was wrapped up in my ownself, self absorbed and wasn't there for her and our D. Believe me I had my moments because I withdrew and my way of thinking wasn't right.

I don't know why it wasn't but I am genuinely a good person who isn't flawless.

But she is so angry that I "put her where she is today" that she would if she had the chance critisize me even more.

Only last week I dropped my D off to her house at 8pm extended from when she got home from work as she went straight to hospital to see her dad. When I arrived around the corner the man who used to work in her department was in her house. His car was parked across the road and of course they didn't know I knew his car. She opened the door and I put my D down. I just managed to stand inside the house when I asked to use the toilet. 3 times I asked as I was bursting.

She said you are going back home. Use yours. I said **** is upstairs isn't he?

She denied it completely as if I was stark raving mad. I rushed upstairs and he was hiding behing her bedroom door.

Looking at me with a dvd in his hand. Saying he only came to pick these up.

He soon scappered after she had told him to stay.

I demanded my train spouse pass back and she gave it to me. How stupid must she have felt.

I never texted her for the next few days only the day before I picked my D up and tomorrow I have her again.

Do you know something.

I used up 20 pages of paper with my thoughts on that event. After all that she told me about him not being anything but..

Which still could be true..she of course told me these lies to keep the pass..

but I re read my letters that I was going to place into an envelope with her pass and give it to her. Which may have made her more angry but it was no a nasty letter but only to say how could she do this to me. Did I really deserve this man to be hiding upstairs like a child.

So I ripped all the letters up and I put a the pass into an envelope and wrote her name on the front and on the back wrote "Let it be."

Ref, to the Beatles song..kind of way.

Placed it into our D lunch box bag and when I handed our D back I handed her the bags and said I will see you Wednesday (to pick up D).

This pass is a privilege and is a spouse pass for her to get back and forth to work on the train 3 days a week.

It has limitations and isn't meant to be used for work purposes. But as she is working part time and has the baby and a mortgage/bills I am showing an act of kindness. She has blown her top over the fact I said I was going to have it back but she hopes she can have it as long as possible to help her out. I have seriously been touched by the Lord!

Wow! your pain is glaring..but let me give you some of my wise 47 yr old advice when it comes to women!

Firstly, you have to give this woman the cold shoulder! Now i dont mean ignore her, but you really have to go about your business literally in a business like fashion and thats it! You dont have time or the desire to sit and chit chat any longer!

Stop beating yourself up! Man, i dont know whos harder on you, her or YOU! You need to communicate with someone about your feelings.. that why you wont feel the need to talk to her so much.

If you want her back, then show her you dont give two hoots what she says or does! Stop talking to her! Show that you have moved on too! Show that you are confident! that you will find another woman that will appreciate you ! Stop talking to her!

I am a very strong and independent woman. I have fallen down and dusted myself off so many times in my 47 yrs of life. I have had plenty of disappointments in my life, but I have realized a few things along the way. Woman want strong emotional men! She will chase you if she knows that she has competition! Go out and start dating. You may find that she isnt what you want anymore. Arent you tired of all this?? Beating yourself up ?

Trust me! Stop talking to her. Act, i know its hard..but act like the strong emotional person you are around her! Start dating, get out there. Act like you just dont care. She is feeding off this..i know, because i have been there. You are her safety net. She knows you love her a lot and she is taking your feelings for granted! Well, no more lady! Chin up, chest out, and get out there and shine those pearly whites at the next great looking woman. It would be great for your self confidence!

GJ thanks for your wise words. Give me a hug!

However, I know she doesn't want me. Or at least ONLY because I hurt her big time. I have said I am sorry until I was blue in the face.

I have cried like a baby for the crap I put her through and this was 3 weeks ago.

I think she is getting her own back to hurt me. To see if I will retaliate, snap, flip, bite, cry, rant and rave. Whatever. But I am doing the opposite of what she expects me to do.

I must admit this site as well as others and family and friends have been a great help. I have risen above it all. Pulled a few surprises to.

Wouldn't it go against me if as the one who hurt her and caused her pain and the one who wants to reconcile if I started dating? Wouldn't she think he didn't hang around? He couldn't have wanted me back that much?

From a womans point considering what I have done and my overall situation what would dating other women prove? Maybe it would go against me,

W is so cold and emotionless

She once loved me. She has set out a rota to have my D.

I work shifts so it is set around that. Next time I see my D who AGAIN just lives 10 mins away is in 10 days time and then after that it is 14 days time.

We don't talk now. There is no love..from her at least.

She seems to have taken control over our D and also set out DO's and DON'T's. Like I am a babysitter. It is an insult.

Ok we S and are heading for D (although I haven't heard anything) but it was only June 2006 that we had a beautiful small wedding in the country with 16 guests. The weather was beautiful. She looked lovingly into my eyes as she said "I do."

How can that love just disapear? Why is she being like this?

As if she had the choice she wouldn't see me again.

I guess I married this emotionless woman.

Ladies, is this the way you behave when you split from your H?

Surely if you were the one that left you want to move on with your life and find somebody else BUT why are you so cruel to your ex? If you no longer what to be with him and you are now settled in your new home as the father of your child why not involve him more? Why the coldness?

Smiley- I think you posted on mine so i have now read yours...man your right...we are in about the same situation other than my wife having an affair on me. I feel your pain brother...you just sit and beat yourself up first thing in the morning through the last thing at night about what you could have done differently, and how much you would change now. I just got my D for a few hours last night and hearing her ask me if I still liked Mommy just about killed me. Of course I do honey, i said, with all of my heart. I don't think men are educated enough to understand what women go through when they have a kid. We expect them to be the same gal as before and don't sense the urge to pick up the slack on the romantic end, and emotional end for them.

Everyone has been right so far, we have to let them go, no matter how beautiful they are...and it's amazing how much more beautiful they are once you can't have them (i only hope that that goes both ways ). That was the first thing my therapist told me...let her go. She is a caged bird and the more you close the cage, the more she wants out. Let her go, and see if she comes back. If she does, you know you have a long road of healing ahead of you. If not, know that there is someone out there that will be a better match for you. Obviously you will know the pitfalls you fell into before and will try to avoid them, but remember your human and you will make new mistakes. I think it is just about changing out attitude to process mistakes, as well as making those "Love Bank" deposits. Keep the love bank full and you can lean on that when the going get rough for you and your current/future spouse.

God, it's easy to type this stuff...but i am there with ya. I just can't imagine being with another woman, but i also have to accept that i can't be with my wife...at least for now...so do yourself a favor. Take some days off with the buds...go on a trip...read or write a story. Throw in some Cat Stevens Tea for Tillerman and cry it out and move on. Like someone told me...Life is Good, you just gotta realize it. Who knows what the next big picture will be? Hang in there bud.

Thanks topper.

I am 41 (a young 41 ;o) ) So this stage of my life...

I know you mean well and the board and has given me wise advice.

There is nothing we can do only to accept it and let them go.

I have been crying most days. Trying to figure out why I was such an idiot. I had it all. It is when you are in that environment you make mistakes. Get complacent and forget that if you lost your family life would be terrible. But rather than change things that are causing the problems you keep chipping away until your W does fly away.

Now reality has sunk in I feel like I am in hell.

It isn't the case that I will find somebody else. I don't ever want anybody else. They will have history and kids or if not they will want kids.

Besides, I am still in love with my ex. Always will be and I am not sure where I am going to end up in the future. I see a very long dark tunnel ahead.

All I want is to fix and resolve the problems that broke us up. I am missing my D to.

I wish I knew what my ex was thinking. She gives nothing away.

I hate that. It is like she just doesn't care and she wants to get on with it.

hi there,

i have been reading your posts, and i know part of your grief.

i think part of the reason you're not improving is because you still live in the past.

what helped me was : letting go.

don't get me wrong. letting go does not mean that you let her go. it does not mean that you let your family go.

but letting go means that you give yourself a chance to look at your situation in a different light. you keep saying that 'one year ago you had everything, and now you're stuck at 'rock bottom'.'

its like a drunk person saying that i will not get drunk, i will not get drunk, and yet still hold on to the bottle of booze tipping it to his mouth to get the drink.

let go. even for a while.

you will see that things happen to you so that you can grow emotionally. improve your emotional standing.

if you keep running around in circles inside your cage, where would you end up being ?

my sincerest thoughts to you. i hope that you can let go.

Thanks TB

That is all I can do. Accept the things I cannot change.

I am going NC now. To let her get on with it.

If it is concerning my D I will expect her to contact me. Until it is time for my visitation that she has devised. I will speak to her as upbeat as I can, polite and with calmness with my tone.

She can wonder what I am doing. She tells me to leave her to get on with it and I shall. She has excluded me from my D christening on the 24th with 50 members of her family and friends invited and NOT myself or family invited. Not even to the ceremony,

So I am not going to pursue that. She would rather her DISTANT family and friends attend rather than her father and grandmother.

It is of course very delicate. Bad timing in fact due to us separating when our D hasn't been christened. I am so gutted and in pain over it I may even resent my ex because of her attitude when she should have said we should put our differences aside and you are the father and you should be there. It is going to be more of a circus..an excuse for her family in the Midlands to come on down for a family gathering.

Me going NC now will give her another excuse to give me grief and that I don't care in the 10 days before I next see D and not phoning or texting her to ask how my D is. I simply can't win.

I want to keep the peace. She has more or less dictated the do's and don'ts how to look after my own D and given a copy to her solicitor.

She just doesn't see it. How controlling she is with our D.

I found this from a R page. Answered by an expert.

This sounds just like my ex.

[sIZE=2]Q. Do mothers tend to put up a barrier between father and child? [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]A. It's very difficult for some mothers, particularly if they're extremely efficient at what they do. One of the hardest things for women is to let their husband make the same mistakes and learn from those mistakes the way they did. Instead they put them into the role of baby sitter. Most women give their husbands a list telling them what to do instead of letting the father develop his own way of relating to the child. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]For instance, she may know how to get the baby in bed in 15 minutes whereas it may take the father 45 minutes, not because he's inefficient but because he's going to be playing and doing different things with the child. Fathers tend to play more than teach. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

No problem Smiley. I want nothing more than to get back with my wife. I am only 31 so it's not crazy for me to think i could find love again, but i really dont want to. She was the one for me...i just didnt realize it until it was too late. But...you got to do what your name says...SMILE man. Things will get better either way. Your doing the right thing by just ignoring for now. I know I won't let my wife go or give up on praying for a miracle until the day the papers are signed, but I got to keep my head up and stand on my own to let my wife know I can make it on my own if i have to even if i dont want to. (I have to admit that ironing, grocery shopping, and cooking have been an exciting but scary experience haha)

31 is young.

I am not to worried about my age. I guess I am just to old for all this crap!

What I had..what I have lost.

But if you have been reading my situation why the heck as the dumper are they so cold? Opposite to being lovey dovey I guess.

Her 'switch' as gone off. She can't help that but she loved me for heavens sake. Like I said it wasn't a long term R. So she loved me June 2006 on our wedding day. What happened in 9 mths?

I need to get some answers from the ladies who can relate to her.

Love is a choice isn't it? Or is it a feeling that has now disappeared?

I don't fall in love easily. I have only loved twice compared to her 3 times. (Me being the 3rd).

Though she was close to loving others I think.

I am just unfortunate to love somebody whose personality is when she is done, she is DONE!

Like everything she felt for you and I mean EVERYTHING, switched off.

That is the way she is. The big difference is. We have a D together. That connection. That is the only flame that we have between us. That 'connection' can maybe someday bring us together.

The one thing that bugs me is that she has had a emotional/sexual R with an ex co-worker. I can't shake that from my mind. That will probably stay with me. How the hell did I get here!?

I need to ask a counsellor/physchologist to tell me what my ex is feeling right now from the hurt and pain I caused her. They will have more of an insight. Why the coldness and emotionless persona?

I want to give her a hug. I want to snog her face off!

Geezus!! Why is she dealing with this better than me!?

I'm there with you man. I've spent the better part of 4 months kicking myself, wishing it were not so, awakening to how to be in a relationship, trying to get my wife to "work on relationship", etc.

It is easier for your wife because she is 6-9 months a head of you in the separation process, that's all. It doesn't mean that she is right, wrong, good, bad, etc. For all you know it could just be hormonal, and she is as much victim as you. It also wasn't all your fault, at minimum you both got yourselves into this mess.

Finding out my W had an EA and quite possibly a PA, is what woke me up to move on. I love her, I'd love it if she came back wanting to do some constructive work, but the reality is I had no chance in the past 4 months (because of the EA), and have no chance now. We need to separate and most likely divorce. My W will come back (it is her LTR pattern), but I'm not waiting on it, counting on it, or anything else. My goal is to be solid emotionally and on top of my life-game (been there done that before, and by the way, you were there too with me - at least once).

Like you, I have a Daughter (almost 5). What concerns me most about your thread is that you are heading down the path of estrangement from your child post separation. Unless it is really what you want, then please DO NOT DO THIS, and DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE DO THIS. Even with a divorce Kids need a father figure and a mother figure. You and your family need to be able to spend quality time with your daughter regularly. I've talked with several folks who went through divorce, and it seems to me that the dads doing joint-custody, universally, discovered a GREATER connection to their children after the divorce then what they had during the marriage. It seems to be a nice benefit in a mostly bad situation.

I can also tell you that my wife had issues about differences in child rearing styles when I helped raise our baby using different techniques. She got over this fairly quickly, and today says I'm a great father. The concept of anything other then 50/50 is foreign to my wife, even as we march through the separation $hit-pond. You just need to learn on the job, trust me, you won't harm your daughter.

DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS INHERIT THE EMOTIONAL TABLE SCRAPS YOU ARE BEING GIVEN. This business about you and your family not being allowed to a major right-of-passage ceremony is insane. The obvious implication is that you will not attend your kids birthday parties, you will not be able to come to graduations, you will also not be able to come to your kids' weddings nor will you be able to participate in the key milestones or the life of YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. Is this what you want?

Do this excersize... Imagine you are your daughter - now think, as your daughter - is this the relationship you'd want with your dad? If you said no, then pick up the phone right now and call a lawyer to understand your rights. Then take your wife to see a child-therapist that understands divorce issues -- drag her if you have to, but a good approach may be to say "I love you, and because of that I'm accepting the separation. I am however insisting that we see a child specialist to make sure the separation arrangement is done in a way that is best for <insert child name>."

This may sound preachy, but wake up. If not for you, then for your daughter.

btw - You can see my story here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t143366/

Hi Onwards..

If I am honest, things the way they are now couldn't be improved.

Well they could but for now due to the infancy of our delicate situation I have to except it until my exes anger has thawed a little.

They say the more hurt they are the longer it takes for them to heal.

But I am stilll not getting it regarding the "hurt" and the other guy?

I have read and been told that due to her low self esteem any attention given her way would be flattering and welcome.

I keep saying to myself if she loved me that much and was hurting so much how she could possibly flirt with her ex work colleague and finally end up in bed with him?

He doesn't even look her type and yet she says if she didn't fancy him she wouldn't have done what she did. A part of me thinks she has said some things (to much information) to hurt me. And it worked if that was her plan.

I think the christening is just bad timing and if I think about it would be awkward to go. Let them have it for my D sake. I am very sad. I don't understand why my ex hasn't said to put our differences aside as I am the father. I maybe naive here and my ex could have totally changed since our split and is very bitter and angry and this is the reason she is behaving this way. If she left me because we weren't compatiable and this was one of those things then maybe her attitude would be different.

Because we split because of my issues and the hurt and the pain I caused her..that I have destroyed a potential "cracking R" as she puts it..she is so very sore over it..that I wouldn't put the effort into 'changing' my ways then I guess this is her reason for her being the way she is.

Her future, our D future ruined. No sibling for our D (at least with the same father). I guess I have been reading some Biblical readings about unconditonal love and sacrificial love. I am applying what I have read to my situation. Understanding no matter what I am feeling and how angry and sad I am of my situation and what she is saying/doing that I am not happy with I have to use the wisdom from these books. I feel a better person for it. By not creating more strain and letting things be.

Just be there for my D and when I see my ex stay kind, polite and upbeat.

What else can I do? I can contest everything that I am not happy with but what will that achieve? More anger on her side? I have to melt her anger and show her changes in me. Do it for myself and get on with my life.

I wish I knew what she was thinking and feeling. I can only stay with NC until it is time to see my D. I miss her so much. I still can't believe this is happening. Thinking about it now we have been S since Aug 23rd 2007 we haven't sat down and talked. Maybe someday we will and she will open up. Her anger towards me must melt first.

What exactly did you do that so horrible fopr her to be this bitter towards you? You can't convince her to come back but you have rights as a father and you should not let her walk all over you. God I hate women like this.

woggle..

She is bitter because of the way I was and that I wouldn't change by seeking help. My anger was one issue. Not with everybody else but with her. With anger comes nasty words. Things said in the heat of the moment.

I am not sure where it came from. She thinks it is ingrained from youth. My mum thinks I was traumatized when my dad left us when I was 8 and he moved to Canada so never saw him.

I am not some uncontrollable monster lol

You will have to look back at my threads for more insight. I will say that I agree with her leaving me. She couldn't stay in this toxic R.

We needed time out. I needed to see what I was doing to this R but it was a little to late now we are S.

Men need a S to see what damage they were doing to there R.

I had the opportunity to change many times. But once she cuts the cord thats it.

She is a good mum. I am lucky that my D has such a dedicated and efficient mum.