Is it time to smack this girl down?

I used to work for this guy and I really like him. We get along great, and I feel like I really understand him well. Sometimes he would take me to lunch alone on his expense account to talk about work stuff, and other times we'd go take our employees places as a reward.

Now that I've left to go to another one of our restaurants, he still asked me to go to lunch with him and the girl who took my place. Also, I've hung out with him and one of our old employees at a bar. We've also done other things with old employees. When he calls me because he needs something, we always talk for a few minutes when all he needs to do is ask a favor and get off the phone if he wanted.

Does this mean he likes me? It worries me that we don't hang out more but we're both really busy. It also worries me that we never seem to go anywhere alone.

Finally, he also seems to be calling and talking to one of my employees a lot. (He always has a work reason when he calls though.) He and this girl worked together for a long time a while back. She actually went with our staff on a few of our excursions, even though she didn't work with us. I also know that they've gone places alone, and he never asks to talk to me if she answers unless he needs a huge favor like having one of my employees fill in for someone at his restaurant. Even then he's had her ask me a few times, and she just tells me to call him back when I ask why he didn't just ask for me in the first place.

One time I answered and he was like yeah I've already called over there five times today, ha ha, and that girl would have been the one answering the phone. He said that me and the old employee could come with him to the bar during that same convo, though.

I know I just posted this same info but no one answered and my question is really what to do about the employee coming between us.

I

 

...and my question is really what to do about the employee coming between us.

"coming between us" ?? WTF ? There is no " us" !

You are living in a girly fantasy with this man. If he wanted you he would have taken the opportunity long ago - Find yourself a man out of the office.

This sounds freakily like the problem I'm having. You're not from Texas are you?

Anyway, just because he includes you in activities with old coworkers doesn't mean he likes you. Of course, I might be prejudiced because I do this too. I also think that you need to leave that girl alone. It doesn't sound like this is her fault anyway.

This sounds freakily like the problem I'm having. You're not from Texas are you?

 

Anyway, just because he includes you in activities with old coworkers doesn't mean he likes you. Of course, I might be prejudiced because I do this too. I also think that you need to leave that girl alone. It doesn't sound like this is her fault anyway.

I was thinking of your thread too! This is a freaky coincidence.

I suspect trolling.

But Theresa, why would you take it out on one of your employees? The guy is not into you, and nothing you do will change that or make it better.

Yes, he's into your coworker and he could be dating her...however, there is nothing you can do about it and it's really none of your business. Sucks, but....he's just not that into you and you need to just forget about it.

Also, it is not her fault that he likes her that way, and not you.

Don't go to lunch when he invites you to tag along....it will only get your hopes up and you'll only be disappointed when the meeting doesn't end with him asking you out.

Jack, Jason and Blueberry: I'm sure the reason he hasn't asked me out for real is because he thinks I don't want to ruin our work relationship. I used to tell him stories about old boyfriends and stuff, and he probably thinks I'm scared to get involved again.

Kamille: I'd "take it out on an employee" because she has no business talking to him so much, and any relationship they'd have would be inappropriate anyway on sooo many levels. If nothing else, he and I are at least both managers. If he was thinking of going there, well, I've reported him before for something. Also, I'm sure that if she weren't working here he'd forget about her..

Sundae: Like I said he'd better not be dating her. i don't think he is because sometimes I know things about his whereabouts and schedule that she doesn't. Also, he obviously wants me to go to lunch with him because otherwise he just wouldn't ask. I notice he's not asking her to go.

I think it's time to put your personal feelings away, if you want to be a good manager. It's one thing to enforce non-frat rules and another to use it to your advantage, to bag the man.

I'd "take it out on an employee" because she has no business talking to him so much, and any relationship they'd have would be inappropriate anyway on sooo many levels.

Dear God! I'm glad I don't work with you

If he was thinking of going there, well, I've reported him before for something. Also, I'm sure that if she weren't working here he'd forget about her..

...or have you as a friend!

ugh.

Like I said he'd better not be dating her. i don't think he is because sometimes I know things about his whereabouts and schedule that she doesn't. Also, he obviously wants me to go to lunch with him because otherwise he just wouldn't ask. I notice he's not asking her to go.

Underlined text:

1.) Controlling

2.) Obsessive

3.) He's probably taking her to dinner because she's not like 1 & 2

*It worries me that we don't hang out more

*I'm sure that if she weren't working here he'd forget about her.

*I'm sure the reason he hasn't asked me out for real is because he thinks I don't want to ruin our work relationship

*I'd "take it out on an employee" because she has no business talking to him so much

*Like I said he'd better not be dating her.

Theresa, you need therapy. You are using your management powers to manipulate others. What is the matter with you? Is one doofy guy worth all this work? There are millions of guys out there!

You are imagining things that aren't there. This man was warm & friendly in a "co-worker" type of way. He's NOT your boyfriend! He can date who ever the heck he wants! You don't own him!

You are acting jealous and childish. Just because you like someone doesn't mean they like you back in the same way. If you get out of hand with this reporting and "taking it out" on people, you'll get fired. Then you have no job, no guy (because he'll HATE you for what you did) and your life is a mess. Let it GO! Look for some one else!

jcster, your reply almost brought me to tears from laughing so hard

For heaven's sakes! You are only colleagues. Get over it! He'd better not be dating her?? WTH! I think it is none of your business in the first place. It's not okay for him to date her but you would love for him to date you? Wow. Sorry, but you remind me of my psychotic friend!

Psychotic is exactly the way I would describe it too.

Is it time to smack her down????

Do you really think this will help make you more appealing to this guy?

I don't think so.

I don't think there's any reason to be rude and call me names for knowing that I'm a better match for this guy than my employee. Don't forget that I know him and I worked with him, not you.

For those of you that have been civil, thank you. Sometimes I put things a little too bluntly and I may have come off sounding harsher than I intended.

Now, for the people who haven't been complete jerks:

Trialbyfire: Why shouldn't I use every means in my power to go after a guy I like? If I was a man, would you still say the same thing?

Replicant: All I meant was that sometimes I know that he'll have opted to be the onsite manager on different shifts some weeks, and the girl will be like "I wonder why he hasn't called?" That's because he's told me he will or won't be in. There have also been times when he's gone out of town and she didn't know, so they can't be all that close.

Watertiger: This is the best guy that I've met in years, and yes I do think he's worth it. I only reported him for something once and that was because he tried to mess with me first, plus that was a long time ago. Also, I've known a lot of people who started out as "warm and friendly coworkers" and wound up together, haven't you? That's what I think should happen here. Plus since we did things together outside of work, I think that takes things beyond the pure "coworker stage."

According to you, which of these would count as beyond "coworker stage:"

1) Taking a coworker to lunch on your expense account

2) Having coworker help organize an excursion for the whole staff, and then going with employees and coworker

3) Taking an ex-coworker to lunch

4) Accepting ex-coworker's invitation to go to a bar where all of your friends are going to be with another coworker there as "chaperone"

5) Going to lunch as friends

6) Going out on a date

Don't forget that we've done 1-4, and its not a huge leap from there to 5 & 6.

Compassion: I'd think he'd respect me more for going after what I want.

Trialbyfire: Why shouldn't I use every means in my power to go after a guy I like? If I was a man, would you still say the same thing?

You bet your hiney I would. I've fired people for abuse before, male or female.

which of these would count as beyond "coworker stage:"

1) Taking a coworker to lunch on your expense account

2) Having coworker help organize an excursion for the whole staff, and then going with employees and coworker

3) Taking an ex-coworker to lunch

4) Accepting ex-coworker's invitation to go to a bar where all of your friends are going to be with another coworker there as "chaperone"

5) Going to lunch as friends

6) Going out on a date

Don't forget that we've done 1-4, and its not a huge leap from there to 5 & 6.

I'm sorry. I don't want to be harsh, but you honestly are not seeing things realisticly. SIX only. NUMBER SIX is the only thing that is beyond the scope of what mere amicable co-workers might do. And as for going after what you want... this is never a limitless justification. Think about it. People have committed murder going after what they want... do you respect that?

Wait, I haven't abused this girl. I haven't called her names, smacked her upside the head or done anything else to her yet. That's my definition of abuse anyway.

I'm sorry. I don't want to be harsh, but you honestly are not seeing things realisticly. SIX only. NUMBER SIX is the only thing that is beyond the scope of what mere amicable co-workers might do. And as for going after what you want... this is never a limitless justification. Think about it. People have committed murder going after what they want... do you respect that?

Well, I think that number six is kind of mushy. What is a "date" anyway? How do you find the line between going somewhere alone as friends and those same two people going on a date? For that matter, where's the line between two coworkers going out to lunch, two friends going out to lunch, and a date? After all, when we went to lunch we wouldn't only talk about work stuff. We'd talk about our lives outside of work to, just like we routinely did in the office. Some of the things got very personal, and he told me things about himself that you normally don't tell coworkers. I did the same thing. So really, who's to say that these weren't company-subsidized dates??

Well, I think that number six is kind of mushy. What is a "date" anyway? How do you find the line between going somewhere alone as friends and those same two people going on a date? For that matter, where's the line between two coworkers going out to lunch, two friends going out to lunch, and a date? After all, when we went to lunch we wouldn't only talk about work stuff. We'd talk about our lives outside of work to, just like we routinely did in the office. Some of the things got very personal, and he told me things about himself that you normally don't tell coworkers. I did the same thing. So really, who's to say that these weren't company-subsidized dates??

A date is an outing between two people with the purpose of establishing a romantic connection. Did he hold your hand on/under the table? Kiss you at the end? Pull out your chair for you? Look into your eyes and tell you how beautiful you look today? Talk about where he'd like to go with you Saturday night? I doubt it.

The work lunches you've described are NOT dates.

Wait, I haven't abused this girl. I haven't called her names, smacked her upside the head or done anything else to her yet. That's my definition of abuse anyway.

One thing I can't stand is an angsty employee who brings personal issues into the business place. If drama affects performance or morality of the staff, especially when it involves the abuse of power through harassment by lower management staff, this is when I've taken action in the past.

Your job is to ensure for maximum performance by your staff, ensuring that moral is maintained at a reasonable level. Your job is also to ensure that non-frat rules are enforced within your area of responsibility, including yourself. To abuse your power by using it for reasons of personal angst, is completely unprofessional.

Leave your angst at the door, before entering the workplace.

A date is an outing between two people with the purpose of establishing a romantic connection. Did he hold your hand on/under the table? Kiss you at the end? Pull out your chair for you? Look into your eyes and tell you how beautiful you look today? Talk about where he'd like to go with you Saturday night? I doubt it.

 

The work lunches you've described are NOT dates.

Well, I think we feel a romantic connection.

I've never seen anyone at a restaurant holding hands. Maybe walking in or out, but not at a table!

Of course we didn't kiss at the end since we ended up at the office.

I'm an independent woman, I don't want a man pulling a chair out for me. But hey, my regional manager's pulled out chairs for me and I don't think we're dating.

He's complimented me on my outfits several times.

We've talked about our Saturday plans, but we're both very busy people and would have a hard time getting together since we both have kids.

So that's 3/5, right? And the other two don't apply.

Don't forget that we've done 1-4, and its not a huge leap from there to 5 & 6.

The jump from 5 to 6 is the Grand Canyon. From what you've posted, you are the one interested in this guy - it doesn't seem to me that he feels the same way about you. You can't manipulate the situation to "make him" like you. That's not within the realm of reality.

I'd think he'd respect me more for going after what I want.

Sure...he'll respect you for using your management position to bully the girl that he's really interested in. If that doesn't work, you can threaten to have him written up, that will certainly make him love you!

Are you on any anti-psychotic medication? If so, please increase the dosage!

Well, I think we feel a romantic connection.

 

I've never seen anyone at a restaurant holding hands. Maybe walking in or out, but not at a table!

 

Of course we didn't kiss at the end since we ended up at the office.

 

I'm an independent woman, I don't want a man pulling a chair out for me. But hey, my regional manager's pulled out chairs for me and I don't think we're dating.

 

He's complimented me on my outfits several times.

 

We've talked about our Saturday plans, but we're both very busy people and would have a hard time getting together since we both have kids.

 

So that's 3/5, right? And the other two don't apply.

I've held hands with most guys I've dated. You could have kissed in the car on the way back to the office. A man who's romantically interested will flatter you with romantic compliments, behave chivalrously, and ASK YOU OUT not just ask out of curiosity what you have going on over the weekend.

So no. Not 3/5. 0/5.

He knows I don't go in for that mushy stuff.