How many OW/OM believe in marriage?

Just curious as to how many OW/OM believe in the marriage institution? I for one do not, as I don't believe there is 1 person in a world of over 6 billion people that you are suppose to bind yourself to for the rest of your life. Even if I could have a life with my MM, I could promise to love him forever but I couldn't promise that I would want to stay married to him forever as the American institution of marriage makes little sense to me.

At he risk of getting flamed...

I absolutely respect that some people don't believe in marriage. Different strokes for different folks.

BUT.

I would hope that those people would in turn respect the people that do believe in it.

I'm a believer!

I can honestly say I do not believe in the traditional institution of marriage but it has nothing to do with being an OW, a BS or anyone else.

I know couples who are married and will stay married til death but who can barely stand to be in the same room with each other....and I know couples who have been together for years, got married, and divorced faster than the ink dried on the marriage certificate. I believe marriage in general has taken on a different meaning today. I, like you, have a hard time believing that two people can find each other, fall in love, and believe that with millions of people in the world, they were destined to meet and stay together for life. I do believe people can meet, fall in love, and feel (during that time) that they WANT to be together for life. Reality is that many people marry today because they 'settle' for the person they have begun building a life with. They are not necessarily marrying 'the one' but simply 'someone' in order to fit in with our social perspective that people a) attach to someone b) marry someone c) have families etc. etc. etc.

I've married someone, have deeply loved someone, and ended up divorcing someone........now I'm waiting for "the one" to come along and proof all my scepticism wrong.

MM/MW and OW/OM, as well as BS are all in the same boat....they love the person/people they are involved with but they are searching for something that is not there or, in the case of the BS, choosing to hang on to something and fight for something that may be less than they deserve.......settling! We all know we can't change the person we love but we still try. We all want to find and have love and sometimes accepting parts or someone is better than the thought of being alone........even though we all deserve much more! JMO

I've never been married, and never will.. I absolutely do not believe in that institution.. I also do not believe in religion. I also do not believe in monogamy.. forever.

I would hope that those people would in turn respect the people that do believe in it.

They have no respect for marriage. If they did, they wouldn't be in someone else's and/or have someone else in theirs.

I've never been married, and never will.. I absolutely do not believe in that institution.. I also do not believe in religion. I also do not believe in monogamy.. forever.

...you basically have no core beliefs whatsoever.

Are you in for a suprise!

...you basically have no core beliefs whatsoever.

 

Are you in for a suprise!

Would the pursuit of happiness at the expense of all others be a "core belief?" If so, then many OW's who don't believe in marriage DO have at least one core value.

I used to believe in it. But as a man I'm seriously considering not marrying any woman in this day and age. I think it's a generational thing. I think love lasted longer in the past and it was pure. these days people listen more to their base instincts rather than be real with others!

I also know that I will not marry a woman if she does not sign the iron clad prenup. It's too much cheating and adultery out here to have one wopman promise to love you then 3 years in she's cheating and then when she leaves she takes half!!!!

Bullsh**!!!!

I think I'm just gonna get married one time and one time only. And I'm not gonna cheat on my wife ever!!!!

If it gets bad I will ask for a seperation or a divorce. I will give her that respect and respect to my vows!!! No matter how much emotionally I feel about someone else. Or is physically attracted to someone. I will never cross that line I got too much respect for myself to cheat.

I will never cross that line I got too much respect for myself to cheat.

My wife and I both agree that a marriage must be monogamous. Anything less is an instant deal-breaker. We are also realists and agree that we'd leave and divorce before either of us had an affair. That's the honest thing to do. It allows both parties to retain their dignity.

The obvious contempt for the OW is shining bright tonight on this thread.

I don't want to sound misunderstanding of the hurt here but, in all fairness, 'core values' and 'respect' for a marriage start and end with the TWO people who have entered into the union. If one person breaks those fundamental threads I guess it is very much up to the BS to decide if they want to change their own values and ideals of respect and carry on knowing that the person they married does not hold those things sacred and quite probably never did.

Everyone needs to find blame and its certainly the easiest route to go the let all the blame lie almost exclusively with the OP. Even when I read the BS stating that they blame their WS I don't usually read that they decided that the WS does not believe in the 'core values' of marriage and has no 'respect' for the marriage and so, therefore, there really is no marriage. I generally read that the BS wants to stay in the Marriage and find a way to 'make it work'. So I guess that means the BS has come to the reality that 'core values' and 'respect' come second to 'loving' their SO. Not so different from the OW/OM's perspective is it?????

I don't believe the OW/OM can corrupt anyone's core values. If that were the case many OW/OM wouldn't be hear looking for support because their MM/MW choose to stay in the M - they would be out corrupting their MM/MW enough to get them out of their marriage. Everyone has a choice...........

Open minds people......walk a mile first!

I generally read that the BS wants to stay in the Marriage and find a way to 'make it work'. So I guess that means the BS has come to the reality that 'core values' and 'respect' come second to 'loving' their SO. Not so different from the OW/OM's perspective is it?????

I certainly didn't want to stay in the marriage. As soon as I discovered the affair the marriage ended as far as I was concerned. Someone who showed themselves to be devoid of those core values and beliefs is not someone I could love any longer.

I don't believe the OW/OM can corrupt anyone's core valuesQUOTE]

 

Agreed. Either they had them to begin with or they didn't.

 

Open minds people......walk a mile first!

 

No thanks. Don't care to cheat on my wife.

Just curious as to how many OW/OM believe in the marriage institution?

Nope, not me. Haven't ever, since I was little. Not just because I've never ever seen a single marriage that looked like something positive, but on principle. I think monogamy is unnatural, and I think it's institutionalisation into marriage is oppressive - like slavery, only two people are enslaved. It's like legally enforced co-dependency.

Reboot - I respect other people's RIGHT to engage in marriage, but I do not respect their MARRIAGE as an entity - same way I respect other people's right to vote for the wrong political party, but there's no way I'll support that political party. I respect other people's right to belong to the religion of their choice, but that's not going to compel me to fast, to celebrate christmas or any of the other manifestations of their chosen religion. That's their choice, to bind themselves to those rituals and practices. Their choice does not bind me.

I am D...I think that M is good if you are planning to raise children...But make sure you marry the right person for you...Divorce is not as easy as everyone makes it out to be...

I prefer to choose to be with someone, instead of forced to be with them...

I don't know that I ever want to marry in the future...but I do want to share my life with the one I love...

don't know that I ever want to marry in the future...but I do want to share my life with the one I love...

Well said GEL. This pretty much sums it up for me as well.

I think that far too many people tend to rush in and plan on getting married/or get married, in the first 18 months of their romance.....when things are all lovey dovey, when in the *honeymoon* period. And a *honeymoon period* doesn't last!! Is it any wonder so many end in divorce! What we want now, isn't necessarily what we are going to want in ten, fifteen or twenty years time! But people don't think in the future, they think in the present and what they want, in the here and now....and usually they are wearing 'rose tinted' goggles when making the decision to marry....

If couples were not so keen to rush in and get married in the first throes of romance and instead spent a few years actually getting to know each other properly and without wearing the rose tinted specs.....then marriages might last!!

A lifetime is a hell of a l-o-n-g time to spend with someone and because one may have made a poor decision, after only knowing someone for 10 months LOL!!! Guess it happens a lot, then your stuck, no way out.....oh well, best make the most of it, you're only lumbered with your mistake for the rest of your life on earth!

I think that far too many people tend to rush in and plan on getting married/or get married, in the first 18 months of their romance.....when things are all lovey dovey, when in the *honeymoon* period. And a *honeymoon period* doesn't last!!

Lemme see here. Two weeks after our first date my wife and I were engaged. Six weeks after that we were married. That was a mere 11 years ago, come December. Guess we shoulda waited another 16 months, huh?

Of course, we'd been friends for five years and were former coworkers. We also weren't young -- 48 and 50. Do you think those facts might have made a difference?

Lemme see here. Two weeks after our first date my wife and I were engaged. Six weeks after that we were married. That was a mere 11 years ago, come December. Guess we shoulda waited another 16 months, huh?

 

Of course, we'd been friends for five years and were former coworkers. We also weren't young -- 48 and 50. Do you think those facts might have made a difference?

Of course it does. My H and I were engaged four weeks after we met and married seven months after that. We celebrated our 12th anniversary in June. We're together 13 years this month.

Second marriage for the two of us..both in our 30's. As in your case, waiting wouldn't have made an iota of difference.

Lemme see here. Two weeks after our first date my wife and I were engaged. Six weeks after that we were married. That was a mere 11 years ago, come December. Guess we shoulda waited another 16 months, huh?

 

Of course, we'd been friends for five years and were former coworkers. We also weren't young -- 48 and 50. Do you think those facts might have made a difference?

Hmm, I was engaged after 6 weeks, married after 6 mths......divorced ten years later....I was 26, he was 30 when we met.....10 years of my life, WASTED!

But 48 and 50 huh?

Some are divorced and remarried two, even three times by your ages! Know my father was!!!! But hey, at the age of 45 he finally settled down and has been with his OW, for thirty odd years and they are married with three kids of their own now....my half sisters

I think that far too many people tend to rush in and plan on getting married/or get married, in the first 18 months of their romance.....when things are all lovey dovey, when in the *honeymoon* period. And a *honeymoon period* doesn't last!! Is it any wonder so many end in divorce! What we want now, isn't necessarily what we are going to want in ten, fifteen or twenty years time! But people don't think in the future, they think in the present and what they want, in the here and now....and usually they are wearing 'rose tinted' goggles when making the decision to marry....

 

If couples were not so keen to rush in and get married in the first throes of romance and instead spent a few years actually getting to know each other properly and without wearing the rose tinted specs.....then marriages might last!!

 

A lifetime is a hell of a l-o-n-g time to spend with someone and because one may have made a poor decision, after only knowing someone for 10 months LOL!!! Guess it happens a lot, then your stuck, no way out.....oh well, best make the most of it, you're only lumbered with your mistake for the rest of your life on earth!

People in cultures that arrange Ms don't worry about the bride and groom knowing each other. They are concerned more about the familial relationships/societal benefits of the marriage.

I worked with two Indians in such marriages. The woman and her H had been married for over 25 years by the time I had met her. She told me that she hated her H at first, but over time began to love him. And she absolutely loved him by the time that I met her. The man pretty much had the same story. He hated that he had to marry this stranger and start taking care of her. But over time they both grew to love each other.

My point, I don't think the timing is the issue. Its more the commitment level, maturity level, and acceptance level of the partners that makes or breaks the M. But I got married during the "honeymoon phase" too, so maybe I am biased.

I'm an OM, so I suppose I fall into the target demographic of this thread

Never been married, and for a long time was disillusioned with marriage ... my parents have been together for 30-odd years, but it's been a hard slog for my father, and he sometimes seems a little wistful about his choice of partner. I also had my patience tested over the course of a long term R by the constant inquiries as to my marital status.

In recent years I have been reevaluating my views and within that time I've been involved with a MW ... would I like her to marry me? Sure, I'd love to let her know just how important she is to me, how much better she makes my world when I'm with her, though someone else has already done that ... maybe he was just never that important to her, maybe she was never all that enthused with him or maybe she doesn't subscribe to the concept of a committed marriage - doesn't mean that I have to abandon my own ideals.

I think that being an OM has in some ways equipped me better to deal with the possibility and reality of a WS in my own M too ... and despite my shortcomings thus far, I would not cheat on a woman who agrees to be my W.

But 48 and 50 huh?

 

Some are divorced and remarried two, even three times by your ages!

Hard to believe people even live that long, isn't it, and we're even older now. Imagine that.

I was married before for 25 years. My wife was married twice before but have been single for 18 years when we started going out.

Gettin it right just took us longer than most!

I had a Huge argument with my extremely conservative best friend last year about this.

While I come from a family with two divorces, she comes from a family that has never been divorced. I believe in marriage, but I also believe that just because we marry someone doesn't mean they are the person we should end up with. Is there really one person for every one? I don't think so. I think there are many--there are just Way too many people in this world for every one to have one person made especially for them. I also think first time marriage should be experiemental. We date and practice safe sex for what? Practice right? I know it sounds like I'm not taking marriage sersious at all, but I think we do learn from our mistakes (most of us at least). I'm not saying this because I was the OW--I'm saying this because I grew up going through two divorces in my family. I have seen it all--cheating, heartache, heartbreak, broken families, etc.

In today's day and age, though, it's almost impossible to be monogomous. Too many spouses are cheating on their spouse. Why get married if this is a real huge possibility? More and more, children out-of-wedlock is becoming more and more acceptable. I think this is the route I'd like to take--skip the marriage, but be in a committed relationship with children. If he chooses to cheat on me then you know what? We just weren't meant to be together. That is so obvious that it sticks out like a sore thumb.

I respect what xsianx said about rushing into it not knowing who you'll be in fifteen or twenty years. My MM said that most guys think it would be nice to trade in for a different model after every twenty years; not that they necessarily act on it. When I was younger, I would have gawked at that statement, but now I totally understand it. IF we didn't have the whole reproductive thing at such a young age, then we could afford to wait and be choosier.

Perhaps it is our creator(s) who want this paradox for us in order to learn, grow, and improve? After all, it is through all this suffering that we learn such great attributes as compassion, true remorse, and real love. We also learn a great deal about attraction and passion when we're older. We don't have a clue in our 20s. Perhaps I was a late bloomer?

BTW, when my MOM mentioned the upgrade thing, I believe he was in his fantasy world. I don't think he would ever leave her--trade her in. In fact, after getting to know him so well, I find it hard to believe he ever said it. And sometimes his life seems so perfect with her that I don't even know what he needs me for. I do have a point here: my MOM believes in marriage because, obviously, he is staying with her. I would love to be married to someone like him because I hear all the day to day things he does right for them. What I don't believe in is all these people who fear change so much that they gasp when you tell them you are suffering in your marriage and want a D. Sometimes I feel like our society hasn't really advanced all that much. Socially, there is very little support for a divorcing woman. But that's another Oprah.

But I know I can be a better wife if I have a husband who is worthy of my love. After being neglected in that way 20+years, I finally cracked. Even still, I believe in marriage.

When I was younger I believed in marriage very much so, the whole idea that there is someone for everyone and all the jazz.

Now im 30 and have been the OM, have had an extremeley tough break-up and also have encounted a soul destoying relationship I must admit im cynical about it.

I think people cheat simple and cheat alot. For me and my potental W to say our vows as God as our witness and for her to cheat on me that would cripple me to bits.

Guess what im saying is that im scared of what may happen and the fact the likihood of the worst happening is no better than 50/50 its a chance that isnt worth taking.