So it's D-Day

I agree with HN.

The other thing is, it's better SC come here and be bitter and angry. I am more and more convinced he does this here so he WON'T be as angry offline and at home.

Why do you keep bickering w/ everyone? Is it to make your point that what you did is ok...B/C I think everyone has gotten that. Not that your posting is a waste of time..Everyone's OPs are valuable in IMO, but the same thing over and over and the bickering that you engage in one on one...Is that helpful to the board? I can't see where you're really giving any advice, etc...Granted, I haven't had time to re read all of the posts, but is seems really redundant to me...

Good I'm glad you got the point that I don't feel responsible for my SEPERATED man's marital failure, maybe now you will stop asking me the same questions over and over and over again trying to get a different answer out of me. There is no different answer I did not contribute to his marital breakdown, nor do I feel responsible for that at all. His marriage was broken when I met him.

He was married to her, I was not. I am responsible for my own pain, my own decisions my own life, I can't be held responsible for the decisions ANOTHER human being takes. I was lied to just as much as she was lied to, in my so called "triangle" I too was a victim. I had enough with trying to recouperate myself from the whole experience to have to worry about his wife and what he did to her. I'm sorry but it's not my fault he wanted out, he never loved her he did whatever he did to her. I know it's a hard pill to swallow but some people just aren't going to be together forever no matter how much you try to force someone to be with you, you can't force someone to love your how you deserve or to treat you how you deserve.

she married a coward who stabbed her in the back, and on top of it BEGGED him to come back so that they could salvage the marriage. I don't feel sorry for her, if she refuses to see what's infront of her then she doesn't deserve pitty. Just like I don't deserve pitty for my actions, because I knew what I was getting into right?

SHE chooses her own destiny.

and if I sound redundant it's because you keep beating a dead horse. Sorry your husband is also a prick and keeps stabbing you in the back and you keep taking him back and you chose to build a life around his betrayals and would rather continue doing that than putting your foot down and getting rid of him for good. But all I keep seeing is the people who complain the most and are most angry here are the ones who are making choices to stay with people that CLEARLY make them unhappy and want the rest of us to pay for their spouse's mistakes and their own choices. If it's THAT bad get out telling others what's RIGHT and WRONG is not going to solve anything for yourself.

THAT'S my point.

I made my choice and I stuck to it. You don't hear me whining about how how in love I am with the man that also lied to me and reeled me in and broke my heart, do you now?

AS far as the bickering goes this whole thread is filled with it, why you choose to zero me out is beyond me. Well it's not beyond me really...it's quite clear why....

Lastly, if you don't like what I write ignore me. I just learned how to use the feature and it's quite useful.

AS far as the bickering goes this whole thread is filled with it, why you choose to zero me out is beyond me. Well it's not beyond me really...it's quite clear why....

I see people bickering with you because of how you come across at times in your replies. Geez, you attacked me a while back because you thought I was TOO harsh and said I never helped anybody in MY replies.

Also, you may not have been responsible for the demise of your MM's marriage, but you certainly were part of him not wanting to fix his marriage once you two got involved.

OOD, since Tomcat has told me that she is ignoring me, I can speak to you and she won't have to read my bitter angry words.

Tomcat is a living example of someone who refuses to take responsibility for her own actions. I don't care if she sees it and I'm sure you don't either. Nothing you say will help her, because as you see she doesn't need any help.

She is not to blame at all as a matter of fact, she calls herself a victim. I have found her quite entertaining because, even though her story is probably true, I don't take her seriously.

She wants people to agree with her and will go on and on without actually addressing some of the good points that other posters have made. She must need the attention, so I guess in a way we are helping her. So OOD you have done a good deed today.

Also, I am beginning to feel kind of sorry for Tomcat. I don't think she really knows what is going on and is completely snowed by this MM that she said doesn't love his wife. It's very possible that the wife found out about his affair and eventually kicked him out and he is the one that is begging to go back.

If he is living on his own and wanting to be with TC, they why isn't he? This part of her story never made any sense to me. She claims that they have true love, but they have decided to break up. I have asked her why they aren't together if the bond is that strong and she always ignores me. Maybe he really does want to go back to his wife, and she is the one that won't take him back.

We will never know, so for now I have decided to just feel sorry for her. That's all I can do.

I agree with you HN.

Her situation is starting to look like SIL's situation.

I agree with you HN.

 

Her situation is starting to look like SIL's situation.

Somewhat, but SIL's MM has told her that he won't leave his wife and SIL has decided that being on the side forever works well for her. We shall see how well it works for his wife.

Ok sorry, I thought you found out before you got married.

 

What she did was very deceitful, I can see that now and I don't blame you for being angry. Is she good to you now though?

Oh you could say she has always been good to me...thats why I never knew a damn thing. So that being the case....even though she is good to me..I'm not taking that at face value. She has given me reason now through the end of time to never let the guard down.

do you have a solid relationship now?

On the surface it seems that way...its seemed that way when she cheated.

But like I said...my bullshi!t detector is always on amber alert. I don't watch her every move...I don't need to know where she is at all times...but there are certain things I will be skeptical of...one of them is if she goes out with friends from now on...and if she goes out with the same skanks that lied to me as to her whereabouts when clubbing...she knows there will be a chance she will be locked out of the house when she gets back....she never keeps a house key.

Can you entertain the thought that she is human, that she made a mistake

Cheating is not and never will be a mistake. Its a conscious decision to betray someone you claim to love.

She didn't cheat and think..."oops...your not my bf/husband...my bad."

and she could be a completely different person now. Because people do make mistakes (it may not be the kind of mistake YOU would make, but we all make mistakes with different degrees of reprecutions to them, I'm sure you are no saint LOL ;-) and people change, the important thing is how she is with you now. I'm not saying FORGET what she did, no, but if you want to begin the forgiveness process you have to let go a bit of the anger. Practice here.

I don't know if I will ever fully forgive her...I do know that I will NEVER trust her 100% again....even a therapist, from what I gather from people who went to counseling, will tell you that after cheating and an affair, it is impossible to gain 100% trust ever again. The cheater will have to be happy with 80%.....90 at best if they expect to remain with the one they f#cked over.

I also think she owes SC an appology because she assumed alot about him and his situation, then accused him of not posting about the real reason why he is on LS.

While I appreciate the vote of confidence....I don't need an apology. Nothing anyone says anymore can do any damage to me. when you have a hardened heart, things bounce off pretty easily.

And actually it was Babybird that said I don't reveal anything about myself.

SC, say anything you want here. Do not let anyone tell you how to feel. It is perfectly OK to let your anger out. I believe that it is much healthier to get it out of your system.

I agree. I take a little out here I admit, and the rest I work off at the gym. Then I feel better and go home.

I NEVER show my anger in front of my kids, and really..because of venting here and most of all working out my frustrations with the bench press and stomach crunches...I don't bring it out and throw it in my wife's face.

I will throw it in her face if she thinks she can return the the lifestyle more fitting of a sophomore in college rather than that of a wife and mother.

This is a free forum open to anyone. We are not paid specialists and we are not obligated in any way to compromise our own beliefs or how we feel. If someone wants to ignore us, so be it, but do not feel like you should have to hold on to your anger. Please speak freely.

And I get tired of repeating to those who chastise us that get down on cheaters and OM/OW....I get down on those who cheat, or sleep with other people's spouses that could give a crap about those they hurt...especially kids. Its unacceptable...PERIOD.

If someone is in a bad situation...or found themselves in the position of being an OM/OW unknowingly and are just having a hard time breaking away...that is a completely other matter.

Sorry...some people just need to be put in their place if they don't give a rat's ass about anyone but themselves.

I agree with HN.

The other thing is, it's better SC come here and be bitter and angry. I am more and more convinced he does this here so he WON'T be as angry offline and at home.

BINGO...because being angry at home is DEFINITELY something I don't want. My kids melt away any anger anyway...as soon as I walk through the door they are all over me and its the best feeling in the world.

 

Sorry...some people just need to be put in their place if they don't give a rat's ass about anyone but themselves.

Sorry this is going to be short I am on my way out...SC thanks for all the responses to all my questions. I can see your pain I can see your frustration, your indignation and feeling of helplessnes over something that is causing you so much pain yet you had no contol over. I can see that. you situation is very unfair you were not given a choice to decide to go through with forming a life with this woman and found out years after the fact (if I'm correct) that she was not who you thought she was.

I understand you need to blow off steam, but the person who did not give a rat's ass about anyone but themselves was your W not the people here. She owes you something the the people here don't really owe you much of anything. Not even the person, people, she was involved with owe very much other than what society deems right and wrong. The person that owes you the respect and devotion and honesty is the person that you let into your life to share yourself with. To me it seems like redirected anger to put so much hate and energy onto people who's lives will continue on, who will not be affected by you whatsoever, who if they are set in their ways they will continue to be scum, skanks, evil, you name it.

The other day I was at the Dr.'s office and I was reading an article about EA's how there is a strong tendency for EA's now a days due to the internet. It said that EA's have taken all sorts of forms that not only include full on emotional investement from two human beings but it can also come in the form of a porn addiction or, email IM chats with sex sites, and hours spent with erotica in general. Apparently there are strong support groups in place for these typse of A's because a lot couples find that they are drifting apart due to their spouse's involvement in these types of activities. Well one of the psychiatrists featured in this article explianed that a lot of the anger from the BS's directed at porn itself, was misderected, that was not the root of the problem. Porn will always exist, porn will always be accessible to people it's targeting the problem at the root and that is why are these spouses CHOOSING to spend their time with these activities as opposed to doing so with their spouses.

I understand about the not trusting 100% by the way.

Can I ask you something else? why do you choose to stay with her? It seems like this is causing you more pain than pleasure.

And by the way I'm not say that what OW/OM do in their share of an affair is not wrong, it IS wrong but you can't change them you can only work on yourself and your situation.

Can I ask you something else? why do you choose to stay with her?

For the kids...and I don't give a crap what anyone says about that either.

I refuse to be without my children on a daily basis because she strayed.

Can we at least get back to some type of normalcy? maybe...too early to tell...we could divorce over this...we could mend it...or it may be that I wait until the kids are 18 and I have saved for their college and then she is history. Its just too early to tell what is going to happen right now.

The ball is in her court...it all depends on the way she acts...if she wants to act like a wife and mother...then we will be fine...if she thinks she will be going to nightclubs again....then we won't.

It seems like this is causing you more pain than pleasure.

I'm fine really...working out definitely helps relieve the stress and anger.

My demeanor on here is just hearing about people who only want their petty little selfish needs met and don't care who they hurt. Yes, they are not my wife....but so what?...I have something to say and I will say it.

Better here to some of these lousy people that don't care about who they hurt than at home where my kids can see it.

And by the way...I already responded to you in another thread where you told a woman who just wanted to be a MM's mistress for life to "go for it"...and you were serious.

And by the way I'm not say that what OW/OM do in their share of an affair is not wrong, it IS wrong but you can't change them you can only work on yourself and your situation.

Is that why you told the mistress in that other thread to "go for it" and condone what she is doing?

For the kids...and I don't give a crap what anyone says about that either.

I refuse to be without my children on a daily basis because she strayed.

 

Can we at least get back to some type of normalcy? maybe...too early to tell...we could divorce over this...we could mend it...or it may be that I wait until the kids are 18 and I have saved for their college and then she is history. Its just too early to tell what is going to happen right now.

The ball is in her court...it all depends on the way she acts...if she wants to act like a wife and mother...then we will be fine...if she thinks she will be going to nightclubs again....then we won't.

 

 

 

I'm fine really...working out definitely helps relieve the stress and anger.

 

My demeanor on here is just hearing about people who only want their petty little selfish needs met and don't care who they hurt. Yes, they are not my wife....but so what?...I have something to say and I will say it.

Better here to some of these lousy people that don't care about who they hurt than at home where my kids can see it.

 

And by the way...I already responded to you in another thread where you told a woman who just wanted to be a MM's mistress for life to "go for it"...and you were serious.

 

 

 

Is that why you told the mistress in that other thread to "go for it" and condone what she is doing?

Hey listen I'm not going to argue on your stance as to why you choose to stay, you say it's the children fine you know best. Given the little information I know about your case, it doesn't really sound like you have THAT much to be so angry about, yes you were lied to but you have a W who cares enough about you to play by your rules in order to show how regreful she is for a past mistake (and you and I have different views on that I still insist she made a mistake, YES she chose to cheat back then but it was a moment or weakness that for whatever reason clouded her better judegment and did something really hurful to the person she supposedly cared about most) and you have two kids and one way or another you are making it work. It really doesn't sound that bad to me at all, at least not to the point where you should be berating strangers because of life's bad hand it dealt you. I''ve seen people in really awful situations who have a LOT more to be angry about and yet they use that energy towards doing something positive. You seem to have more than most people have. That's my opinion.

As per the going to clubs bit, I am not a big fan of married couples going to clubs on their own. I really don't see the point AT ALL. Again my opinion and thankfully most partners I ended up in relationships with agreed. Matter of compatibility I suppose, and I believe you also choose your comapitibility.

Regarding your last comment about what I told that woman who posted that she is going to engage in an A for the rest of her life, it's so ridiculous to see someone that convinced of what they are doing that they feel the need to publicly make a statement about it and let's not forget it's HER life and she is making that choice, it doesn't matter what I say my comment is not going to stop her from doing what she already has chosen for herself. Regardless of whether I may think it's right or wrong it's her life and her decision, if she does not feel it's wrong I can't change how she feels, or her moral fiber for that matter. So my comment was ""If you think it will make you happy go for it, though I have serious doubts about the longevity of your situation. But who are we to judge?" And I do believe that. I don't agree with poligamy either but who am I to tell someone else DON'T DO THAT.

What if someone really does feel good about living in an Affair, it's two concenting adults, if that's what makes them feel good, well good for them. It takes two to play if they can look in the mirror at the end of the day and not care about hurting an innocent by-stander then that's their prerogative.

What a lot of people who have their "sermons" ready to post about what's morally wrong don't realise is that more often than not, these people post for advice for something that they have already decided in their own minds to go through with anyway. There is no stopping what someone chooses to do based on advice alone. People make change when they feel it's time to make a change base on their own level of unhappiness or pain, not because someone tells them not to do it.

You're a perfect example of that, we can ask you until we are blue in the face to not berate strangers but you and I both know you're going to do it anyway no matter how many people you hurt along the way. When something feels good it's hard to see the harm you are doing to those that don't are being hurt by your actions. And I believe that insulting people who you think are morally inferior to you, feels good to you.

You're a perfect example of that, we can ask you until we are blue in the face to not berate strangers but you and I both know you're going to do it anyway no matter how many people you hurt along the way. When something feels good it's hard to see the harm you are doing to those that don't are being hurt by your actions. And I believe that insulting people who you think are morally inferior to you, feels good to you.

Oh man, SC is gonna have a field day with this one. You keep proving his point by sticking your foot in your mouth TC! LOL. Anyway, I'm not saying anything as I know you got me on ignore so it's a waste of my time to put any effort in replying to you.

Good I'm glad you got the point that I don't feel responsible for my SEPERATED man's marital failure, maybe now you will stop asking me the same questions over and over and over again trying to get a different answer out of me. There is no different answer I did not contribute to his marital breakdown, nor do I feel responsible for that at all. His marriage was broken when I met him.

 

He was married to her, I was not. I am responsible for my own pain, my own decisions my own life, I can't be held responsible for the decisions ANOTHER human being takes. I was lied to just as much as she was lied to, in my so called "triangle" I too was a victim. I had enough with trying to recouperate myself from the whole experience to have to worry about his wife and what he did to her. I'm sorry but it's not my fault he wanted out, he never loved her he did whatever he did to her. I know it's a hard pill to swallow but some people just aren't going to be together forever no matter how much you try to force someone to be with you, you can't force someone to love your how you deserve or to treat you how you deserve.

 

she married a coward who stabbed her in the back, and on top of it BEGGED him to come back so that they could salvage the marriage. I don't feel sorry for her, if she refuses to see what's infront of her then she doesn't deserve pitty. Just like I don't deserve pitty for my actions, because I knew what I was getting into right?

SHE chooses her own destiny.

 

and if I sound redundant it's because you keep beating a dead horse. Sorry your husband is also a prick and keeps stabbing you in the back and you keep taking him back and you chose to build a life around his betrayals and would rather continue doing that than putting your foot down and getting rid of him for good. But all I keep seeing is the people who complain the most and are most angry here are the ones who are making choices to stay with people that CLEARLY make them unhappy and want the rest of us to pay for their spouse's mistakes and their own choices. If it's THAT bad get out telling others what's RIGHT and WRONG is not going to solve anything for yourself.

THAT'S my point.

 

I made my choice and I stuck to it. You don't hear me whining about how how in love I am with the man that also lied to me and reeled me in and broke my heart, do you now?

 

AS far as the bickering goes this whole thread is filled with it, why you choose to zero me out is beyond me. Well it's not beyond me really...it's quite clear why....

 

Lastly, if you don't like what I write ignore me. I just learned how to use the feature and it's quite useful.

ok..this is my last post to you ...I hope..First of all..I would have LOVED to have been given the CHOICE to stay w/ my H for years and years IF he had been honest w/ me from the get go...Mabey I would have stayed, mabey I would have left, but I wasn't' given the choice. I didn't know what he was doing..The OW played an integral part in that. YOU don't know for sure what's in someone's heart! YOU only know what you were told...Nine times out of ten...What is said are all lies...You will NEVER be able to justify your actions w/ me...NEVER!! YOU are just as responsible for the demise of his M that he is. Since he most likely lied to you about his feelings to spare you any hurt, your justifications are unfounded...Try as you may, you just cannot separate yourself from responsibility when you are a willing participant in an A...NOONE on here will EVER agree with you and your actions. Support, yes...TONS of it..Advice, yes...even MORE of that, but out right agreement with actions that we all know are destructive to others and yourself...NEVER...

OOD, since Tomcat has told me that she is ignoring me, I can speak to you and she won't have to read my bitter angry words.

 

Tomcat is a living example of someone who refuses to take responsibility for her own actions. I don't care if she sees it and I'm sure you don't either. Nothing you say will help her, because as you see she doesn't need any help.

 

She is not to blame at all as a matter of fact, she calls herself a victim. I have found her quite entertaining because, even though her story is probably true, I don't take her seriously.

 

She wants people to agree with her and will go on and on without actually addressing some of the good points that other posters have made. She must need the attention, so I guess in a way we are helping her. So OOD you have done a good deed today.

Yes, I totally agree w/ you and her need for attention is something that has popped into my head at times. Everyone needs attention, but when the attention the person is seeking comes in the form of engaging and baiting others, no one's needs will be met and it becomes annoying.

Ah here we go again...blame the betrayed....justify the cheater.

 

Nice try but I'm not justifying the cheater nor am I blaming the betrayed spouse but rather just pointing out that obviously there are some serious flaws in the relationship for one spouse to stray.

Trust me on this -- as a former BS I certainly own up to my part as to why my ex-husband sought comfort elsewhere. Sometimes the truth hurts -- alot and it is those who can admit it are the ones who can heal and move forward with their lives and put the ugly past to rest. Doesn't mean you can't be angry and hurt during the process. But it serves no purpose in you or anyone else bashing me or other OW/OM. Maybe it just makes you feel that much better -- who the hell knows, only you for sure.

While I appreciate the vote of confidence....I don't need an apology. Nothing anyone says anymore can do any damage to me. when you have a hardened heart, things bounce off pretty easily.

 

And actually it was Babybird that said I don't reveal anything about myself.

Ok, I was wrong...god I hate saying that...you have revealed a lot more than I remembered.

Nice try but I'm not justifying the cheater nor am I blaming the betrayed spouse but rather just pointing out that obviously there are some serious flaws in the relationship for one spouse to stray.

 

Trust me on this -- as a former BS I certainly own up to my part as to why my ex-husband sought comfort elsewhere. Sometimes the truth hurts -- alot and it is those who can admit it are the ones who can heal and move forward with their lives and put the ugly past to rest. Doesn't mean you can't be angry and hurt during the process. But it serves no purpose in you or anyone else bashing me or other OW/OM. Maybe it just makes you feel that much better -- who the hell knows, only you for sure.

I have tried this approach numerous times. It is always wrong in their eyes. I think that you make some good points and it can hurt...for both people.

MP gets something that they are missing from OP. MP won't leave their spouse because OP can't give them what their spouse does. Even if it is lacking in areas. There is too much history, memories, and comfort there. Notice I didn't say love?

I do agree that no R is perfect and there had to be something missing in the M for the person to wonder besides the desire for sex. That is NOT placing blame on the BS. It is saying as a couple there could've been something wrong that BS didn't notice. Even now BS can refuse to see that there was something wrong, missing, whatever you want to call it and that is probably the reason that MP strayed. IT IS NOT THE BS' FAULT. It can be the cheaters fault first and foremost, and 'as a couple' the second spot in line.

EX: (Sorry SC this is the one that popped into my head first. Not meant to be a dig)

H thinks life is all good and happy. Forever is no doubt in his mind. W goes to the clubs all the time and stays out till four in morning. Happy M though. Good sex, great kids, not a lot of arguments. W still goes out to clubs. Why does she want to go out to the clubs all the time? Is she sick of being home? Bored? Unhappy? Is it her friends? For one reason or the other she wants to go to the clubs. I don't argue with her about it. It seems to make her happy. Then she cheats. I don't understand what happened. We were so happy. Yet, she wanted to go out to the clubs with her friends all the time. I don't know what was going on in her head. What did I do wrong? I gave her everything she wanted and needed. Something must have been missing somewhere.

Even if the H doesn't understand the signs were there and that is the way it is in most R. Things weren't perfect. It was something slightly off that wasn't number one on your mind and then the S cheats. I am not blaming the BS at all. I am simply pointing out that there were probably things wrong in the M that went unnoticed and/or the R was just taken for granted. Divorce would usually be inevitable because by the time the S noticed it would be too late. They would be frustrated, angry, and resentful over something like not receiving enough compliments and that would open a whole other can of worms.

Does that make a little bit of sense to the BS'? Thats the only way I could think of to explain my point and not have it look like I was trying to place all the blame on the BS.

ok..this is my last post to you ...I hope..First of all..I would have LOVED to have been given the CHOICE to stay w/ my H for years and years IF he had been honest w/ me from the get go...Mabey I would have stayed, mabey I would have left, but I wasn't' given the choice. I didn't know what he was doing..The OW played an integral part in that. YOU don't know for sure what's in someone's heart! YOU only know what you were told...Nine times out of ten...What is said are all lies...You will NEVER be able to justify your actions w/ me...NEVER!! YOU are just as responsible for the demise of his M that he is. Since he most likely lied to you about his feelings to spare you any hurt, your justifications are unfounded...Try as you may, you just cannot separate yourself from responsibility when you are a willing participant in an A...NOONE on here will EVER agree with you and your actions. Support, yes...TONS of it..Advice, yes...even MORE of that, but out right agreement with actions that we all know are destructive to others and yourself...NEVER...

OOD let me make it very clear to you that I don't need to justify myself to you or to anyone that chooses to judge me here. I have come to terms with my actions and have examined what I did wrong and how I could do things differently next time. I am not looking for sympathy or empathy or anything of the sort. The people that matter most to me who's opinions also matter most are my family and close friends, they know me well they know my character and they don't judge me, they love me and understand that my situation was a freak situation, a moment of fogginess if you will...given my character and my personal inclinations, quite frankly I could care less if some people here (that being you or whom ever else chooses to judge me does not accept my situation) I really don't care because quite frankly you don't mold my life in any way or form. Yes I turned to this forum for help in my lowest moment of distress and it helped immensely to know that there were thousands of people in my same shoes, and who in varying degress had experienced the same amount of pain and deceit as I had experieced, so in that respect I do feel like I got what I needed from this site.

I know who I am, and I also know that a weak moment does not make many less than any one else, I don't feel superior to anyone but most importantly I don't feel any less.

It doesn't matter that you will never agree that I had nothing to do with my ex seperated MM's demise of his marriage. I know what I did and what I didn't do and it doesn't matter that you don't see it the same. I know that I pulled away when things felt wrong and I know that I ended things when things were not as they appeared to be. I also know that when I met him his marriage was already over, which is why he moved out took all his stuff and proceeded to get the seperation. He assured me he was not doing this to be with me, that he was doing this because he needed to end a relationship that was on the rocks for a very long time and had been a mistake. Call me naive but I believed him so I let the dust settle for a while and proceeded to date him. Had I been the OW while he was at home lying to his wife to be with me and sneaking around to talk to me or dissapearing after being with me, I don't think I would have lasted even a week I juts not OW material (no offence OW but I just don't know how you do this part time love thing). In my case it was not like that. We lived our rel out in the open no sneaking around no nothing that EVER made me feel like the other woman, he was with me 100% of the time and slept at my house and I at his. I met his friends, family and coworkers everything was out in the open, why he chose to hide it from his W is HIS problem and I'll never fully understand. But our rel was not that of a CS and his mistress regardless of that fact that he was still married.

I don't feel what you WANT me to feel because YOUR H has lied to you numerous times and you choose to keep accepting him back, but my situation is completely different than yours and I don't feel in the least responsible for my exguy's marital breakdown, because I didn't go after him at all HE went after me. In your case all the women that your H seeks out are like jokers in a deck of cards they take on the trump of whatever he needs to have a winning hand, and so if you feel that the jokers are what is destroyng your chance at happiness with this man that you claim to SO love (don't know how you could love someone that has purposely hurt you so many times but that's your issue) then you really fail to see the reality of your situation. you claim that you wish your H was more honest with you in order to give you a choice? C'MON!

he has betrayed you 1, 2, three times or more and you keep taking him back hoping to cure his addiction simply because you love him? HOw much more honesty do you need? These women are no more to blame for his addiction than you are for it. HE is the one with the problem, and if you choose to accept him broken as he is then you have to either stop expecting to get apple juice from an orange or do something to change what is doing you harm. Trying to find jokers to blame for the failure of your marriage is not going to work, you have the proof time and time again that no matter how many jokers he gets rid of he will always find another to have his winning hand.

On a last note if you think I am in denyal then what are you?

And don't tell me you have no choice, you ABSOLUTELY have a choice.

I do agree that no R is perfect and there had to be something missing in the M for the person to wonder besides the desire for sex. That is NOT placing blame on the BS. It is saying as a couple there could've been something wrong that BS didn't notice. Even now BS can refuse to see that there was something wrong, missing, whatever you want to call it and that is probably the reason that MP strayed. IT IS NOT THE BS' FAULT. It can be the cheaters fault first and foremost, and 'as a couple' the second spot in line.

 

EX: (Sorry SC this is the one that popped into my head first. Not meant to be a dig)

 

H thinks life is all good and happy. Forever is no doubt in his mind. W goes to the clubs all the time and stays out till four in morning. Happy M though. Good sex, great kids, not a lot of arguments. W still goes out to clubs. Why does she want to go out to the clubs all the time? Is she sick of being home? Bored? Unhappy? Is it her friends? For one reason or the other she wants to go to the clubs. I don't argue with her about it. It seems to make her happy. Then she cheats. I don't understand what happened. We were so happy. Yet, she wanted to go out to the clubs with her friends all the time. I don't know what was going on in her head. What did I do wrong? I gave her everything she wanted and needed. Something must have been missing somewhere.

 

Even if the H doesn't understand the signs were there and that is the way it is in most R. Things weren't perfect. It was something slightly off that wasn't number one on your mind and then the S cheats. I am not blaming the BS at all. I am simply pointing out that there were probably things wrong in the M that went unnoticed and/or the R was just taken for granted. Divorce would usually be inevitable because by the time the S noticed it would be too late. They would be frustrated, angry, and resentful over something like not receiving enough compliments and that would open a whole other can of worms.

 

I totally agree with this. In my ex's situation and the only reason we were even able to develope an EA at first was because his W was out of town for work months at a time, in the time span of four months she was home for a total of a week and a half. sorry but if that is not TROUBLE creaming out at you, I don't know what is. I would ask him dont you talk about the fact that you never see each other and live practically seperate lives, his answer was always, yeah we talk about it periodically and spend 10 misn saying we should try to do things togther and then we each go back to a seperate part of the house to do our work on our computers. MAN if that is not some MAJOR denial I don't know what is...And then one partner wants out and it's all a huge shock. c'mon!

And another thing, in my field I work with a lot of high profile people who are on the road for extended periods of time, the majority are either seperated, divorrved or on the way to getting a divorce, the only ones that managed to maintaing a good home life are the ones that decided their families were more important than their jobs and transfered positions to lead a more stable life.

Sorry but if what you want is to devote all your time to your work living out of suitcase and popping in every so often to make sure you still have a family, well don't be surprised if your family skips out on you. If you let them manage on their own without you they WILL manage without you and realise there is no need to have you around. It's just impossible to maintain a healthy relationship when you are absent from your home for extended periods of time.

I didn't go after him at all HE went after me.

Guess saying NO didn't cross your mind TC?

TC

You don't know when to stop do you. Your responses to OOD are bordering on cruel and unnecessary. You seem to derive some sort of sick pleasure (sp?) by implying that she's stupid for staying with her H (her M, her choice - no one elses). You aren't getting any points for kicking one of the nicest people here. None of these "Yous" are general. They are all directed at YOU.

P.S. I know its trivial to some degree but the word is spelled D-E-N-I-A-L.