Some suggestions

Having posted on this forum for a few months I've witnessed some very intentional nastiness and some not so intentional and most well meaning.

I have a few simple suggestions: take them or leave them, about HOW be supportive while at the same time inserting ones' "opinion" so as to be HEARD as opposed to merely stirring.

I do think most would rather be HEARD rather than discounted. Yet many are discounted via their means of seemingly mean-spirited form(s) of expression.

For those who choose to just "stir" or "mock" and so do from mean-spiritnesss, well, it seems to be dime a dozen around here and most don't listen when this occurs.

These are easy techniques taken from any marriage counselor's "fair fighting", rules of debate, "listening" techniques" and parliamentary and diplomacy procedures (about which most governments use in one form or another).

I sincerely doubt that most come here for mere opinions regarding their behavior but more so about how to RESOLVE their paticular situation(s) and/ or to merely express their very personal and unique feelings.

I would rather those who do so be given some fair treatment so please indulge my thoughts:

~never instigate nor respond to any issue for the sake of argument

~seek to address soley for resolution

~listen and well perceive the issue, not what YOU want or perceive the issue to be about, but what the speaker is factually fortelling or seeking

~is YOUR perception of the issue about the writer/ speaker a factual account?

~the READER infers, the speaker(s)/writer(s) imply: does the listener/ reader infer correctly? If one is not sure than before making a response ask the writer to clarify: as in "am I to understand that what you are saying is that all donkeys are yellow and should be moved to Montana?"

~address an issue with validation even when one disagrees: such as: "I have heard you--but I don't like yellow donkeys", "I am sorry you feel this way but is my opinion that..", "I am listening" as in OK, so I understand that you feel bad for all these donkeys, but I don't and let me explain why..."

~address this issue without person as in:

~do not accuse (you didn't do it or "play it" the way that *I* would)

~do not place blame ("you" should have known better because *I*would)

~do not personify (you are stupid because *I* know better)

~do not use the word "YOU" as in "YOU are stupid". but rather say "I feel that you may be naive" or "I disagree" or "It is my opinion"

~Never, EVER undermine anyone's dignity by "hitting below the belt" as in

"Your family sucks, your kids are ugly", etc. where this has nothing to

with the issue but more about making some else feel badly

~Ask open ended questions starting with "HOW can I help", "WHY do you

feel this happened to you?" "WHERE do you want to start from here?"

"HOW can I help you?" "What do you need"?

It is my opinion that we should all take greater care in addressing posters as we have no idea their histories, their lives, their strength when reaching out. One could so easily cut the thread of life with just ONE mere nasty self-serving response.

One does not need to agree nor make nice. I feel it quite silly that some posters feel that they are not being heard merely because they disagree when they may not understand that their opinion may be quite warranted but their means of expression is NOT.

One need only say "I just don't feel that I can support you because..." as opposed to the kind of posts where one tends to cast blame merely for the sake of blame without regard to what the original poster or thread is about.

I would like for all posters to be "heard" and given fair and equal time, but unless some could PLEASE be wise about HOW they address, then I would rather not even bother.

Having done a bad job of this myself; I will do my best to do better and hope others will consider to do so as well.

Thank you for hearing me out!

Peace to all.

It is my opinion that we should all take greater care in addressing posters as we have no idea their histories, their lives, their strength when reaching out. One could so easily cut the thread of life with just ONE mere nasty self-serving response.

One does not need to agree nor make nice. I feel it quite silly that some posters feel that they are not being heard merely because they disagree when they may not understand that their opinion may be quite warranted but their means of expression is NOT.

One need only say "I just don't feel that I can support you because..." as opposed to the kind of posts where one tends to cast blame merely for the sake of blame without regard to what the original poster or thread is about.

I would like for all posters to be "heard" and given fair and equal time, but unless some could PLEASE be wise about HOW they address, then I would rather not even bother.

Having done a bad job of this myself; I will do my best to do better and hope others will consider to do so as well.

Thank you for hearing me out!

Peace to all.

Puddleofmud,

I understand what your saying but not everyone is going to follow this.

I don't think this forum is going to turn into one big therapy session.

To be honest with you, I respond only to the threads that interest me. After the post interests me I give my opinion on the subject. Now that may not be what the OP wanted to hear but it's my opinion. Take it or leave it but it's still my opinion.

Puddle of Mud, I agree with you that we need some decorum. It's interesting that people only respond to posts if they put in a dig. And too bad there weren't as many MM on this board because then we could really get somewhere!

Puddle of Mud, I agree with you that we need some decorum. It's interesting that people only respond to posts if they put in a dig. And too bad there weren't as many MM on this board because then we could really get somewhere!

Oh I'm sure there are some around. Probably think it's smart not to post.

Although it would be interesting to read their responses.

...or simply follow the rules we all learned as children.

If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

Treat others as you want to be treated.

and Don't judge others...

However, since I do have some very strong opinions on cheating in general... I usually avoid this topic totally. I'm sorry to say, it is really hard to feel sympathy for someone in an affiar when you have suffered on the other side of it.

So I guess my rule in this matter is usually the first.

I do understand Bohemia's side. I know it's hard to not be opinionated. I am highly opinionated about MM and BS, too. But the one thing that I can see in all of these triangles is that there is usually one person who is the pivot and that's the one who is usually not in these forums and so the other parties lash out at each other.

Pain is pain is pain no matter where you sit in this situation. It's painful even for the WS. It's pain all around and all of it hurts no matter what side you sit on. We all have opinions yet we all have dealt with pain. And although a BS might not care about the pain that the OW experiences, it is still real.

I do understand Bohemia's side. I know it's hard to not be opinionated. I am highly opinionated about MM and BS, too. But the one thing that I can see in all of these triangles is that there is usually one person who is the pivot and that's the one who is usually not in these forums and so the other parties lash out at each other.

Pain is pain is pain no matter where you sit in this situation. It's painful even for the WS. It's pain all around and all of it hurts no matter what side you sit on. We all have opinions yet we all have dealt with pain. And although a BS might not care about the pain that the OW experiences, it is still real.

I'm opinionated myself and that's why I try and stay out of here as much as possible.

But there are times when a topic catches my eye and I have to post.

I see your point and I agree 100%. I think people should always respect others. It would be wonderful if everyone could refrain from saying and doing things that hurt others. These are great rules to live by.

This is not a dig just a question that I have. Am I the only one that sees the irony in this post?

Problem is, POM, you can't control how people react, feel or say. If someone is hurt, offended or angry by a post, they have a right to speak their mind.

Everything can't be so loving, supportive and happy - And it's unfair to put that expectation on someone who is giving advice, to put boundries on HOW and WHAT they say.

Having said that, it all comes down to respect. Harsh words, tough love, sometimes that type of advice IS the best advice as it opens peoples eyes, enough that they dig down deep and find the honesty and answers within themselves.

Another thing, this section is filled with emotion most of the time. Due to the frame of minds, the situation each OW/OM is in. Sometimes when a poster is giving harsh advice, the person in need doesn't see that advice as helpful, they see it as an attack and get defensive and upset - Then they react...Which then causes others to react...

Posting these types of threads only cause more heated discussions and are not helpful.

themselves.

Posting these types of threads only cause more heated discussions and are not helpful.

Thank you WWIU, as always you are right. Are you a therapist?

Thank you WWIU, as always you are right. Are you a therapist?

No I'm not...But funny you say that because it seems most of my friends, family, neighbours come to me for help. Even when I was younger and in school, same thing with highschool buddies...Continued at work, various co-workers and collegues would confide in me. Problem with that though, is when it's my turn and I go through crap, not too many are 'there' for me like I am for them...But, then again, I'm not one to ask for help very often...lol. Ahk, that's a whole other thread, another discussion for another time.

sorry to threadjack(off) POM.

I think people should always respect others. It would be wonderful if everyone could refrain from saying and doing things that hurt others. These are great rules to live by.

Yes I agree but since we don't live in a perfect world, it's hard for everyone to do that.

So I will say that if someone doesn't like what's being posted, then try to refrain from reading and posting in it.

Thank you WWIU, as always you are right. Are you a therapist?

oh, now be nice....... can't we all get along?

Funny how people have a hard time getting along when their hearts have been ripped out and stomped on...... and rare is it that any OW/OM/ BS ever admit that they did anything wrong either.

Now back to a regularly scheduled screaming match.

Yes I agree but since we don't live in a perfect world, it's hard for everyone to do that.

 

So I will say that if someone doesn't like what's being posted, then try to refrain from reading and posting in it.

Right VI, I will go one step further and say that if everyone had such great respect for each other, we wouldn't need a place like this to come and post.

That's why I think this thread is so ironic.

oh, now be nice....... can't we all get along?

 

Funny how people have a hard time getting along when their hearts have been ripped out and stomped on...... and rare is it that any OW/OM/ BS ever admit that they did anything wrong either.

 

Now back to a regularly scheduled screaming match.

Oh geez, now I feel dumb. I didn't realize that HN was being sarcastic with that comment, I honestly thought she was paying me a compliment. No sheeyot!

SEE how easy it is to take something the wrong way? I took that in a positive way...Or, is a4a wrong and read it as a negative. Now I don't know!

oh, now be nice....... can't we all get along?

 

Funny how people have a hard time getting along when their hearts have been ripped out and stomped on...... and rare is it that any OW/OM/ BS ever admit that they did anything wrong either.

 

Now back to a regularly scheduled screaming match.

I'm being serious. I really think WWIS always gives great advice and is always right on. JMO. She should be a therapist. Or, are you kidding, and I didn't get it.

Oh geez, now I feel dumb. I didn't realize that HN was being sarcastic with that comment, I honestly thought she was paying me a compliment. No sheeyot!

 

SEE how easy it is to take something the wrong way? I took that in a positive way...Or, is a4a wrong and read it as a negative. Now I don't know!

I was paying you a compliment. I hope you know that I think you are a very wise person.

Or, are you kidding, and I didn't get it

I'm so confused!

I really think WWIS always gives great advice and is always right on.

Thank you!

LS is one big emotional conglomerate. Passions run high on LS due to the sheer volume of pain on this site and its potpourri of individuals. If passions run high in a thread and people get personal, either walk away from the thread or rebutt in the fashion that you want to. Having said that, it's also best not to take things personally and hold a grudge because someone offended you in one thread. Life's too short and we all have pain.

Now...if someone is e-stalking you, that's a different matter...

exactly!

Now be nice!

exactly!

 

Now be nice!

I must be really dense, because I still don't get the:lmao: . Oh well, have a great day!

Sometimes a swift kick in the backside is necessary. My visual image is the boot, a substantial arc and then a dramatic splat...

All I can say is what some people consider "harsh advice" or "tough love" must be different to other people's and the LS mods view point, otherwise, for instance, 4 pages worth of threads would not have been deleted from Shulky's thread.

Right VI, I will go one step further and say that if everyone had such great respect for each other, we wouldn't need a place like this to come and post.

That's why I think this thread is so ironic.

True. This place wouldn't exist unless it was just for giving each other praise, ego boosts, and compliments.

Funny how people have a hard time getting along when their hearts have been ripped out and stomped on...... and rare is it that any OW/OM/ BS ever admit that they did anything wrong either.

You mean we can't be respectful and understanding?

I must be really dense, because I still don't get the:lmao: . Oh well, have a great day!

See how things get blown out of proportion and people need "rules" set up..... to be reminded of the rules.....

It is hilarious!

Trying to dicatate to others how they need to communicate.

The post is very ironic BTW...... hilariously ironic IMHO.

Now be nice.....

Is this not thread # 500+ of how OM/OW need to be treated/talked to by others?

Beat that dead horse! But beat it nicely!