I want to know where I’ll be in 5 years; he’s content to get through the day

I’ve been reading this forum for awhile now and have questioned whether to post or not. However, if there is anywhere that I think the wide array of emotions would be understood…it is here so here goes.

I’ve been the OW for about a year and a half. The MM and I had been friends for several years prior to the A. He did not approach me….I approached him but never imagined that we’ll still be together and as close as we are now. I live with a man…have been for 5 years. We are not married or engaged. I have a 11 yr old son by my first husband, whom I have a good relationship with. The MM has no children. So much for background.

The MM has now moved out of the house and taken a nice apartment. Divorce papers have been filed after 10 years. No DDay. All very civil. Their marriage seemed to be drifting apart for several years to where they were just roommates so to speak. And with no children, it’s been easier that most divorces.

Well, ever since he moved into his apartment I’ve been wondering what will happen to us. I would love to get out of the relationship that I’m in but do not want to do so without knowing he’ll be there for me. The MM tells me that I should do want I feel I need to and that it shouldn’t hinge on what he wants me to do or not do. The MM is very much questioning the validity of long term relationships (i.e., does anything last forever) and worries that maybe what he and I have is the best we could ever hope to have. As in, if we are together everyday, the challenges, etc. of just daily life would take their toll and diminish what we have. Plus, the idea of an instant family…he struggles with too.

I sincerely feel that I have met that one guy that you wait your whole life for…..when you feel what I feel, you have to listen to it and act upon it. He is that guy for me. We talk about it openly and he knows how I feel. I also know that he is a different person from me, has struggled with addiction and is of the “one day at a time” mindset. Where I want to know/plan for where I’ll be 5 years from now…..he’s content to get through the day with happiness. It drives me mad.

I cry a lot and I’m so very tired of it. I know that I should just enjoy the moments we have and be content with growing together, at whatever pace, but it’s just not in me. But it would break my heart to lose him from my life as he brings to my life that I thought were gone forever.

I’m sorry that I’m rambling but I’m just looking for your opinions on what I should do or techniques I could use, books I could buy to be able to just “go with it” in this relationship. I so desperately don’t want to mess this up, but the way I’m going….I’m sure to.

I would love to get out of the relationship that I’m in but do not want to do so without knowing he’ll be there for me. The MM tells me that I should do want I feel I need to and that it shouldn’t hinge on what he wants me to do or not do. The MM is very much questioning the validity of long term relationships (i.e., does anything last forever) and worries that maybe what he and I have is the best we could ever hope to have. As in, if we are together everyday, the challenges, etc. of just daily life would take their toll and diminish what we have. Plus, the idea of an instant family…he struggles with too.

 

I also know that he is a different person from me, has struggled with addiction and is of the “one day at a time” mindset. Where I want to know/plan for where I’ll be 5 years from now…..he’s content to get through the day with happiness. It drives me mad.

Love isnt safe... sometimes you have to take a risk.

Right now your playing the plan A, plan B game.... and you going to wind up with niether in the end.

Honest, if you want out of your relationship... get out! Then persue this exMM. If it works... it works. If not your free to persue something better!

It is unfair, unwise and unethical to continue in a relationship until something better comes along. Your SO is a human being and deserving of some kindness and respect on your part. If you don't love him, then leave. Don't use him for a meal ticket until it works for you to leave.

Now, as a woman I will tell you two things:

1. Never be so dependent on a man that you feel you can't leave. Then you are not an adult, you are a dependent. You deprive yourself of options and self-respect. You can wind up taking advantage of a person that doesn't deserve that and what kind of role model are you being for your child?

2. Your MM will never respect you if you wait and use your SO to pay the bills waiting for him to ride by on his white horse and rescue you. You have a son. He has no children and has been having sex with you without the responsibilities of a family. Despite what you may think, he doesn't know you well enough, nor do you know him well enough, to make a marital-kids included kind of commitment.

If you stay in your current situation and wait for him to come, I promise you - he will never come. It makes you seem to needy and dependent. You need to get out on your own. Behave like you are starting a new life. Let him know you would like to continue to see him and even to have him over to YOUR place now and again. But don't start acting like a wife. Act like a girlfriend who has options.

3. Buy the book - Why Men Love Bitches. It isn't what it sounds like. It just helps you to see why your behavior can seem loving to you and need to him. And nothing is more of a turn off to a man than needy.

That's my 3 cents.

Ok - it was three things not two.

And I am saying don't sound needy. It is the most unsexy thing in the world to a guy. Guys - am I right?

The MM tells me that I should do want I feel I need to and that it shouldn’t hinge on what he wants me to do or not do. The MM is very much questioning the validity of long term relationships (i.e., does anything last forever) and worries that maybe what he and I have is the best we could ever hope to have. As in, if we are together everyday, the challenges, etc. of just daily life would take their toll and diminish what we have. Plus, the idea of an instant family…he struggles with too. I also know that he is a different person from me, has struggled with addiction and is of the “one day at a time” mindset. Where I want to know/plan for where I’ll be 5 years from now…..he’s content to get through the day with happiness. It drives me mad.

I sincerely feel that I have met that one guy that you wait your whole life for…..when you feel what I feel, you have to listen to it and act upon it.

Here's a breakdown of the man you have waited your whole life for:

1. He is nonchalant about you leaving to be with him.

2. He is not thinking 'long term' when it comes to a relationship with you.

3. He thinks that having an affair with you is preferable to being with you full time.

4. He does not want the reality of a life with you, he only wants the fantasy.

5. He does not want to build a family with you, or even walk into one.

6. He is an addict.

7. He does not want to commit to a relationship with you.

8. You did all of the pursuing, and continue to do so.

Instead of wondering how it is going to work out with you, perhaps you should be wondering why you want it to at all. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you like you want and deserve to be treated, and yet you are wondering how to walk away from the life you have to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable, and indifferent toward being with you in a real and meaningful way.

It is unfair, unwise and unethical to continue in a relationship until something better comes along. Your SO is a human being and deserving of some kindness and respect on your part. If you don't love him, then leave. Don't use him for a meal ticket until it works for you to leave.

 

Now, as a woman I will tell you two things:

 

1. Never be so dependent on a man that you feel you can't leave. Then you are not an adult, you are a dependent. You deprive yourself of options and self-respect. You can wind up taking advantage of a person that doesn't deserve that and what kind of role model are you being for your child?

 

SmartGirl,

I think much of what you said is valid and extremely helpful. However, I would like to further clarify one point about my SO. I am the meal ticket in the household, I foot all the bills, etc, etc. I have NEVER had a man support/take care of me...it's just not in my make-up. What my SO provides me with, at this point, is friendship and as harsh as it sounds, a live in sitter for my son. My SO works from home as a consultant with so-so success and because of this my son is able to ride his bike back and forth to school and not be in any type of generic after-school program. He's an extremely good role model for my son and they have a good relationship. I have a demanding job which requires some long hours at times so without his help, I would not be able to make the income I do. THAT is why I'm hesitant to leave. We are more like college roommates than a couple with no desire for intimacy, which is not the type of relationship I'd like to grow old in.

I have felt a part of me come alive again with the ex-MM however reading what LB wrote...well...that certainly gives me pause to think and consider this in a different light.

Here's a breakdown of the man you have waited your whole life for:

 

1. He is nonchalant about you leaving to be with him.

 

2. He is not thinking 'long term' when it comes to a relationship with you.

 

3. He thinks that having an affair with you is preferable to being with you full time.

 

4. He does not want the reality of a life with you, he only wants the fantasy.

 

5. He does not want to build a family with you, or even walk into one.

 

6. He is an addict.

 

7. He does not want to commit to a relationship with you.

 

8. You did all of the pursuing, and continue to do so.

 

Instead of wondering how it is going to work out with you, perhaps you should be wondering why you want it to at all. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you like you want and deserve to be treated, and yet you are wondering how to walk away from the life you have to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable, and indifferent toward being with you in a real and meaningful way.

Thank you for that...honestly. I will say as far as the addict point, we celebrated his 10th year of sobriety a few months ago.

Do you think part of his behavior/non-involvement could be that he's fresh from a divorce? Or is this just doomed because of the way it started....I can never be more than what I've always been to him, the OW?

WhyNotGoFast, I have eight words for you: you think like a 16 year old girl. Maybe that eight words doesn't apply to your professional life, but it certainly apply to this situation.

Remember this: "You can never be more than what you've always been to him, the OW."

Thank you for that...honestly. I will say as far as the addict point, we celebrated his 10th year of sobriety a few months ago.

 

Do you think part of his behavior/non-involvement could be that he's fresh from a divorce? Or is this just doomed because of the way it started....I can never be more than what I've always been to him, the OW?

I can understand how someone who's about to turn 50 and never had kids would be scared about a built in family, no?

Yes, I'm justifying...sorry.

You're spot on I think...and it just hurts a lot. I just really don't want to walk away from him because I know that I truly love him.

Their marriage seemed to be drifting apart for several years to where they were just roommates so to speak. And with no children, it’s been easier that most divorces.

Jeez.. could it be because you were screwing him during all those years? You got what you wanted, you made him leave his wife.

You have deep issues that go beyond all of this, I would recommend individual counseling. You not only helped destroy a marriage, but you have been using the guy you were with for over 5 years. You are so dependent on a man that you are willing to put their health, and lie/deceit them for years on end.

I just really don't want to walk away from him because I know that I truly love him.

I think if you can figure out why it is you love him - what your motivations are for loving someone who is emotionally unavailable to you, then you can find the strength to walk away. It is almost as if you are looking for something in him, that you are missing in yourself. What negative things do you have buried inside yourself, that draw you to a man like this? Why do you want to give your life to a man who doesn't appear to care if you do or not, and in fact only wants part of what you have to offer and not all of it? Those are your questions that you want to answer. Not questions about him - questions about you.

A lot of women who find themselves drawn to emotionally unavailable men do it over and over. A good deal of them had equally unbalanced relationships with their own fathers. Whatever the case is, sometimes love doesn't make sense on the surface, but if you look deep enough you'll find the basic motivations for what makes you love and determines how you love.

I think if you can figure out why it is you love him - what your motivations are for loving someone who is emotionally unavailable to you, then you can find the strength to walk away. It is almost as if you are looking for something in him, that you are missing in yourself. What negative things do you have buried inside yourself, that draw you to a man like this? Why do you want to give your life to a man who doesn't appear to care if you do or not, and in fact only wants part of what you have to offer and not all of it? Those are your questions that you want to answer. Not questions about him - questions about you.

 

A lot of women who find themselves drawn to emotionally unavailable men do it over and over. A good deal of them had equally unbalanced relationships with their own fathers. Whatever the case is, sometimes love doesn't make sense on the surface, but if you look deep enough you'll find the basic motivations for what makes you love and determines how you love.

I think a lot of the attraction is that he makes me feel beautiful and loved. He's tender and kind to me...listens to me and when we're together we enjoy each others company so very much, whether we're at an event, shopping, the movies, whatever. I've had some medical issues in the last few months, and he's always been right there to comfort me, talk to me and takes me to appointments so I don't have to go alone. These are things my bf simply won't do, and yes, I've asked.

There is something there, I just know it but I don't know how to make it grow if he just isn't there.

Jeez.. could it be because you were screwing him during all those years? You got what you wanted, you made him leave his wife.

Sorry but no. He was married for 10 years. Our A didn't start until a year and a half ago. And she divorced him...he didn't leave her. I didn't MAKE anyone do anything.

You have deep issues that go beyond all of this, I would recommend individual counseling. You not only helped destroy a marriage, but you have been using the guy you were with for over 5 years. You are so dependent on a man that you are willing to put their health, and lie/deceit them for years on end.

We all have issues. As for who's using who...what do you think of a man who uses a woman as HIS meal ticket? Humm?? Think he'd still be around if he had any way to support himself on his own? And again, the A was the last year and a half...not 5 years. My bf is definately getting something out of our relationship too, namely a roof over his head, insurance, car payments...you name it. I have the ability to do my job knowing that my son is in good hands. It may not be the ideal relationship on an emotional/physical level, but to say it's one sided is wrong.

We all have issues. As for who's using who...what do you think of a man who uses a woman as HIS meal ticket? Humm?? Think he'd still be around if he had any way to support himself on his own? And again, the A was the last year and a half...not 5 years. My bf is definately getting something out of our relationship too, namely a roof over his head, insurance, car payments...you name it. I have the ability to do my job knowing that my son is in good hands. It may not be the ideal relationship on an emotional/physical level, but to say it's one sided is wrong.

Are you trying to say that you value a man based on his income level?

How do you feel about stay at home mom's? Do you have the same level of contempt?

Are you trying to say that you value a man based on his income level?

No, that was not what I was saying at all. However, there is one caveat, I have no respect for a man who is unmotivated to provide for himself and/or his family. The level of income doesn't make a difference. To me, it points back to character or a lack thereof. Please don't confuse that with the man who willingly makes a conscience choice to stay home and raise his children....they are two totally different animals.

How do you feel about stay at home mom's? Do you have the same level of contempt?

There was no contempt in my statement. My post simply pointed out that there is a give and take within relationships when one party stays home. There was the implication that I was USING my bf for all these years. I don't agree with the word "using" in reference to our relationship. We've made choices...they come at a price for both of us.

No, that was not what I was saying at all. However, there is one caveat, I have no respect for a man who is unmotivated to provide for himself and/or his family. The level of income doesn't make a difference. To me, it points back to character or a lack thereof. Please don't confuse that with the man who willingly makes a conscience choice to stay home and raise his children....they are two totally different animals.

 

There was no contempt in my statement. My post simply pointed out that there is a give and take within relationships when one party stays home. There was the implication that I was USING my bf for all these years. I don't agree with the word "using" in reference to our relationship. We've made choices...they come at a price for both of us.

I understand what your saying here in a way. However, some of those guys who are unmotivated to work, are very motivated to take care of thier family. If he is unmotivated in all things... Yes I understand your distaste for that. It seems to me though that he IS motivated to take care of the children.

What do you mean there is a give and take when one party stays home? There is a give and take when both parties work too. So please make me understand why the situation is fair as it stands.

My point was not to make you feel like your using your BF. In fact, I would suggest you dump him if he is truely an unmotivated loser. I would not want my child to see that as any kind of rolemodel.

Sorry but no. He was married for 10 years. Our A didn't start until a year and a half ago. And she divorced him...he didn't leave her. I didn't MAKE anyone do anything.

 

 

 

We all have issues. As for who's using who...what do you think of a man who uses a woman as HIS meal ticket? Humm?? Think he'd still be around if he had any way to support himself on his own? And again, the A was the last year and a half...not 5 years. My bf is definately getting something out of our relationship too, namely a roof over his head, insurance, car payments...you name it. I have the ability to do my job knowing that my son is in good hands. It may not be the ideal relationship on an emotional/physical level, but to say it's one sided is wrong.

She divorced him because he was sharing his time with you. You can't give someone your heart 100% when you are sharing it with someone else.

You are trying to justify your affair. Cheating is cheating. This OM was only using you and now that he is free the last thing on his mind is to settle down with you or anyone else. Even if you get this OM, how long will it be until he strays on you?

You'll constantly be playing detective wondering if he's out on the prowl again.

A relationship that strarts in stress and strife will end that way.

What my SO provides me with, at this point, is friendship and as harsh as it sounds, a live in sitter for my son. My SO works from home as a consultant with so-so success and because of this my son is able to ride his bike back and forth to school and not be in any type of generic after-school program. He's an extremely good role model for my son and they have a good relationship.

I'm hesitant to refer to him as your significant other, even though you do, because it seems that the other guy is the one who's of more emotional significance to you. Your SO sounds more of a domestic partner. Does he know that this is the role you see in him, or does he believe it's more than that?

What do you think would happen if you were to discuss the situation with him honestly? Would he be prepared to go along with a domestic arrangement (which might, after all, suit him perfectly well) on the understanding that your romantic and sexual life took place elsewhere...and that he could operate his life on the same basis? Or is this a situation where he might be happy to go along with that on an unspoken basis, but feel compelled (out of pride) to leave if you raised the subject openly with him? Or is he just completely clueless about what's going on with you and this other man?

The other guy seems content to have a part-time situation with you, and while that might be a post-divorce "I want to have my own space for a while" thing, I think it's surprising how quickly a person can give up that desire for their own space when they meet someone they feel 100% for.

When a man just wants a series of fairytale episodes with you, and doesn't show any desire to turn it into something more real (ie where he's with you full-time, and dealing with the more mundane aspects) that can result in a very romantic feeling situation.

If you scratch beneath the surface, though, it's quite rejecting of many fundamental aspects of you. It's as though you're showing yourself and your life to him, and he's saying "okay - here are the parts I like, and therefore enjoy dealing with.....but I don't want the entire package. Do you mind terribly if I just keep on cherry-picking the good bits?"

I understand what your saying here in a way. However, some of those guys who are unmotivated to work, are very motivated to take care of thier family. If he is unmotivated in all things... Yes I understand your distaste for that. It seems to me though that he IS motivated to take care of the children.

 

What do you mean there is a give and take when one party stays home? There is a give and take when both parties work too. So please make me understand why the situation is fair as it stands.

There's no question about it....both parties at work, one at home, both at home....it's all a question of choices and compromises. And I really don't feel the situation is 'fair' to either of us. He's in the situation due to a series of "wrong place/wrong time" events with an employer and he's not happy being at home, yet doesn't change the situation. I don't want to continue supporting him especially when I see absolutely no effort to get back into the market. The fact that he looks after my son, and I mean that loosely (i.e., I could pick up the phone now and call him to see what my son is up to but he wouldn't know...he stays in his office. I would call my son's cell if I wanted to know), is just a byproduct of his not being motivated to look for a better job. And all of this plays into a relationship...how we view each other and ourselves. It wasn't always like this, we've evolved to this and I don't really think either one of us is happy.

Does that give me the right to have an affair? Of course not. But I am. I'm trying to resolve many things and I laid this out as background I guess. It's difficult to put some thoughts/feelings into words on a forum.

What do you think would happen if you were to discuss the situation with him honestly? Would he be prepared to go along with a domestic arrangement (which might, after all, suit him perfectly well) on the understanding that your romantic and sexual life took place elsewhere...and that he could operate his life on the same basis? Or is this a situation where he might be happy to go along with that on an unspoken basis, but feel compelled (out of pride) to leave if you raised the subject openly with him? Or is he just completely clueless about what's going on with you and this other man?

I came very close to telling him last year, when the affair started but saw no need to be as selfish as to hurt him like that and tell him I was having an affair. I just said that I wasn't happy with the situation any longer and once school let out, we should sell the house, split the money and go our own ways. Then I just got scared...about a lot of things, became overwhelmed with the physical act of separating things, packing boxes, telling my son, what if I was making a mistake, etc. And it wasn't discussed anymore. I think if I told him how the situation really is, for his own sense of pride, he would have to leave...even if that meant moving back in with his parents (he's over 40). I've told him he should get a gf because we have absolutely no sex life, and yes, that's my doing...I just have no physical attraction to him and that happened long before the affair.

The other guy seems content to have a part-time situation with you, and while that might be a post-divorce "I want to have my own space for a while" thing, I think it's surprising how quickly a person can give up that desire for their own space when they meet someone they feel 100% for.

 

When a man just wants a series of fairytale episodes with you, and doesn't show any desire to turn it into something more real (ie where he's with you full-time, and dealing with the more mundane aspects) that can result in a very romantic feeling situation.

 

If you scratch beneath the surface, though, it's quite rejecting of many fundamental aspects of you. It's as though you're showing yourself and your life to him, and he's saying "okay - here are the parts I like, and therefore enjoy dealing with.....but I don't want the entire package. Do you mind terribly if I just keep on cherry-picking the good bits?"

I've been dwelling quite a bit on this especially after reading LBs post and have talked to the OM today about the points raised and how they have upset me....only because I think they are absolutely correct. I think by really taking these points to heart, I will be able to walk away from the OM in the near future.

I hope at that point I'll be able to honestly look at my relationship at home and decide what to do. But no matter what happens...I would never tell my SO about the affair. I think that would be one of the most cruel things I could ever do and I'd never want to hurt him that way.

I know exactly what you mean! I've posted some complicated situations in the past and many posters dont really get it. Mostly that was my fault for not providing enough info.

I was right that this guy is just a serious loser! I dont think its a good thing that you have stayed with him as long as you have. The guy is worthless, even for daycare.

What do you plan to do?

 

What do you plan to do?

Keep re-reading the advice here, read the books that were suggested (ordered them today) and given that my ex-MM didn't have anything to say when I asked him some of the questions listed here today over lunch (what can he say really?)...probably NC with him for as long as I can stand it. I'm just so tired of thinking about it/him.

Plus lots and lots of thinking. Lots of crying I'm sure too. Just try to get through the best I can I suppose.

Keep re-reading the advice here, read the books that were suggested (ordered them today) and given that my ex-MM didn't have anything to say when I asked him some of the questions listed here today over lunch (what can he say really?)...probably NC with him for as long as I can stand it. I'm just so tired of thinking about it/him.

 

Plus lots and lots of thinking. Lots of crying I'm sure too. Just try to get through the best I can I suppose.

You may not think so, but that is a brilliant plan! I think it will move you in the right direction.

Ultimately its going to come down to becoming the best person possible. I think once you achieve that... you wont need any men in your life! Then you will be able to find a good one!

Best Wishes!

I just want to let you know that if BestAdvisor1 member is botheirng you with his useless postings on this forum- advise the administration.

Other members, including myself, find him just rude and we do nt need to have postings that are made up by an angry man. Thanks.

Hi WNGF,

This is a few days late from the original posting date, so I hope you are checking LS....

You are very well worded and not provked easily, those are excellent traits that I wish I had more of lol......

Being in a similar situation, almost divorced man, seems to not have much of a desire to commit, although chases me, so go figure. I really liked LB's take on the matter, most of her post really helped.

Both of these men could be in a state of shock and not know it, and God only knows when the fog will clear. In the meantime all options are open to me, meaning I am very open to new relationships. Am doing a good job with keeping my priorities in order, as in the past I comprimized greatly for the sake of "this relationship".

Concerning your situation, it sounds as if your priorities are your son and your job...wonderful priorities to totally focus on and if he comes around that's great and if he doesn't, that's even better.

For me, I am totally burned out on the fact that I allow others to control my emotions that inturn control my life....no more....the last of the emotions that controlled me for many years died a week ago....done...I am me and if a man wants me, then he will want to be on the same page and not confused.....