Raising stepkids

This last year has been quite a journey for my family and I. My husband and I have been together for 2 years this Nov. and his daughter (9) and stepdaughter (16) have been living with us since the beginning of January. I have a 2 year old son from a previous relationship (father is not involved) Blending our family together was easier than I thought it would be, but it has not been without problems that's for sure!

 

If anyone else on here has had stepkids, then you know the woes of trying to be a good stepmom. These are the things I feel as a step mother...

 

1)I want to be the best stepmother in the world. I struggle daily with reaching that goal and end up with extreme insecurities as a step mother.

 

2)My 9 yr old step daughter is quite the stubborn one. She can be very rude and disrespectful and the hard part is I don't think she even realizes what she's doing. My husband and I have exhausted ourselves trying to teach her how to be respectful and polite, but her mother (whom she has lived with from the divorce up until they came here with us, about 4 years) seems to have done alot of damage on her way of thinking. (or so it seems, my husband is a very good disciplinarian and would not have ever allowed that behavior) Sometimes I will admit, I feel a little hopeless that she will ever learn.

 

3) I see traits of her mother all the time.. or I see traits that didn't come from me and for some reason this stresses me out. I guess it reminds me every day how she isn't biologically mine. I keep catching myself thinking "if she were mine I'd NEVER let her wear that!" or "If she were my child she wouldn't be so rude". She doesn't play with the same things I did when I was a little girl, and every time I try to share an experience I had she either doesn't like it or is completely uninterested. It makes me feel very disconnected from her.

 

4) I am saddened that my husband and I will never have children together. I am not able to carry anymore and neither of us are enthused about raising 4 kids! 3 is plenty! lol Sometimes this makes me a little depressed because our kids are so different from one another.

 

5) My step daughter and my son fight all the time. I know I know, it's completely normal and it would be the same if they were biological siblings, but I find myself wanting to stick up for my son. I have to actually make myself be fair. I try very very hard to be neutral and act as if they were both my children and it makes me feel guilty that I think that way.

 

6) When I get to the point of losing my patience (and sometimes my mind!!) I start feeling like I just want my husband to deal with her because she isn't mine why should I have to. I feel guilty about this too because when we got together we shared responsibilty with our children.

 

Ultimately, I love my step daughter to pieces!! She will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart and I feel that even if my husband and I somehow parted ways as spouses, I would still want to be a part of her life. I really can't complain I have a great, loving family. The girl's mother and I have a very good relationship as well. We talk alot about the girls and other things. I would even call us friends.

 

Am I terrible? I feel like the worst step mother sometimes sometimes. Anyone else feel like sharing you're thoughts on being a step parent?

Confused.. you're very confused. And in denial. You don't love your step-daughter to pieces, stop fooling yourself. You would rather that she was never born. If she could only disappear from your life somehow... I know the feeling, been there, done that. But I wasn't in denial. I tried hard to be a good step-mother, but the girl just never entered my heart. She was demanding, spoiled, whining, grumpy... I divorced her father long time ago and everyone still complains that she is horrible. I feel sorry for both her and her father, especially since her mom is dead.

 

I learned that it's just very hard to love your partner's children from another woman. You can love your sister's child, your friend's kids, but there's natural competition between a step-child and a step-parent; they both fight for the same person's love. Beside the jealousy part, it's also difficult to take care of a child that's not yours. You feel like "why should I wipe her puke or make dinner for her when she is not my child?" I always wondered if he loved his daughter more than our sons. For you it's even worse, because your son is not his at all so you know that he loves his children more than your child.

 

I am married for the second time and my husband loves my sons very much and they love him, too. But that's a fairly rare case. He loves them even when they're bad boys, even when they are disrespectful, and rude. He never feels like I should handle the situation because after all I am their mother; on the contrary, he always wants to be the main parent. He indulges their whims, plays with them, takes them to the toy shops, and chooses places that they would enjoy. He always puts them in the first place and I really have to repeat to myself sometimes that he is NOT their biological dad. Very often I feel like they are his kids and not mine, and think to myself that I would never put up with their crap if they weren't my sons. Of course, I don't mind their crap, because I am their mom, but he really acts and feels like he is their father. He is a better father than their own biological father, who wasn't so bad at all.

 

I think you're in a big denial about your feelings for your step-daughter. This is normal, just like it's normal for you to not want her around... Imagine your family without your husband's children. Wouldn't you be a perfect family? Just you, him, your son, and maybe another mutual child...

 

Your situation is not rosey and naive at all. It's very difficult for you to be in this household. It's draining energy on a daily basis and you often feel like running away as far as you can. The best moments are when she is not around and then you remember that she will come back... and you have this ugly feeling in your stomach.

 

You think that if you could get yourself to be a better step-mom, your husband would appreciate your effort. He won't. Not any more that he already does (or doesn't). He knows how you feel. But you're in a better position than I was, because his daughter can get love from her mother. My step-daughter didn't have a mother and it was very painful for my husband to raise her with me (she is only two years older than our sons and we split when she was 4). Don't get me wrong, I faked love as much as I could; I treated her better than my own sons, I kissed her, hugged her, was concerned about her health and everything... didn't work. I couldn't fool him.

 

He left me and despite the pain I felt because I was dumped by him, the relief I felt for removing myself from the situation was enormous. I moved in with my mom and everything felt natural. I also had a step-father who was a monster, molested me, beat my mother, etc. and she finally divorced him when I told her what happened. I think as much as it's hard to be a step-mom, it's even worse to be a step-child.

 

Perhaps it would be better if the kids moved in with their mother. Why did she move in with you?

Confused.. you're very confused. And in denial. You don't love your step-daughter to pieces, stop fooling yourself. You would rather that she was never born. If she could only disappear from your life somehow... I know the feeling, been there, done that. But I wasn't in denial. I tried hard to be a good step-mother, but the girl just never entered my heart. She was demanding, spoiled, whining, grumpy... I divorced her father long time ago and everyone still complains that she is horrible. I feel sorry for both her and her father, especially since her mom is dead.

 

I can't say I never wished she wasn't around when I was very very angry with her, but I have felt the same when I was upset with my bio son as well. I don't agree with you're statements above, but you are entitled to you're own opinion.

 

I learned that it's just very hard to love your partner's children from another woman. You can love your sister's child, your friend's kids, but there's natural competition between a step-child and a step-parent; they both fight for the same person's love.

I agree with that. That feeling of competition was really strong until her mom and I got really close. Now I don't feel the competition part (especially since I am the women raising her child), I just feel the emptiness of not having a daughter that will play with my old barbie dolls.. and things like that.

 

Beside the jealousy part, it's also difficult to take care of a child that's not yours. You feel like "why should I wipe her puke or make dinner for her when she is not my child?"

I have never felt that way about those kinds of things. I am a very maternal women and taking care of her is actually the part I love. I have always wanted a daughter and that really feels that void. The only time I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with her is when she is being disrespectful or obnoxious and her daddy is at work and can't back me up or help me out.

 

I always wondered if he loved his daughter more than our sons. For you it's even worse, because your son is not his at all so you know that he loves his children more than your child.

We talked about this sort of thing before we entered into our relationship. We both acknowledge that we had children before we met and that our love for each others children will be different than of our own.

 

I am married for the second time and my husband loves my sons very much and they love him, too. But that's a fairly rare case. He loves them even when they're bad boys, even when they are disrespectful, and rude. He never feels like I should handle the situation because after all I am their mother; on the contrary, he always wants to be the main parent. He indulges their whims, plays with them, takes them to the toy shops, and chooses places that they would enjoy. He always puts them in the first place and I really have to repeat to myself sometimes that he is NOT their biological dad. Very often I feel like they are his kids and not mine, and think to myself that I would never put up with their crap if they weren't my sons. Of course, I don't mind their crap, because I am their mom, but he really acts and feels like he is their father. He is a better father than their own biological father, who wasn't so bad at all.

I am very happy to hear you have such a loving husband! I am curious, does he have any biological children?

 

I think you're in a big denial about your feelings for your step-daughter. This is normal, just like it's normal for you to not want her around... Imagine your family without your husband's children. Wouldn't you be a perfect family? Just you, him, your son, and maybe another mutual child...

On the contrary, I don't believe I am in denial I believe I see it all to well, which is why I made this post. I know I am still adjusting to her living here full time. The kids are also adjusting to each other and that is the part that is wearing me out. It isn't that I dont want her around, I just don't want either of them (including my son) around 24/7 without me getting a break and without my husband and I having a chance to be alone and do couple things. I have wished many times that my son's father would have been a real father and that I could get a break from him as well. Any mother, even the best, needs a break every now and then.

 

 

Your situation is not rosey and naive at all. It's very difficult for you to be in this household. It's draining energy on a daily basis and you often feel like running away as far as you can. The best moments are when she is not around and then you remember that she will come back... and you have this ugly feeling in your stomach.

You got that part right, it is very draining. Some days I feel like I have no energy left, but this isn't just from her, this is also from my 2 yr old because, well... he's 2!!

 

You think that if you could get yourself to be a better step-mom, your husband would appreciate your effort. He won't. Not any more that he already does (or doesn't).

He does. And he makes that clear ALOT. That isn't a problem for me.

 

He knows how you feel. But you're in a better position than I was, because his daughter can get love from her mother. My step-daughter didn't have a mother and it was very painful for my husband to raise her with me (she is only two years older than our sons and we split when she was 4). Don't get me wrong, I faked love as much as I could; I treated her better than my own sons, I kissed her, hugged her, was concerned about her health and everything... didn't work. I couldn't fool him.

I am sorry you had to go through that! That must have been a tough position for sure! You're right, my step daughter gets love from her mother, alot! In fact, that is another thing that bothers me. I feel terrible sometimes that she has a mother and a father that care about her while my son has no biological father that sends him little gift packages in the mail and calls him to tell him he loves him. Don't get me wrong I am happy for her! It just hurts really bad, but its noones fault (but his bio sperm donor) and I don't blame anyone else. It just is what it is.

 

 

Perhaps it would be better if the kids moved in with their mother. Why did she move in with you?

Her mother remarried a man that the kids DID NOT get along with. He is a "recovering" alcoholic (not so sure about the recovering part but thats what I was told) and also has some anger management issues (he hit their mother) Talk about denial, this women has it big time! He has said innapropriate things to the girls (like calling my step daughter a "fat ass") not to mention she had a weight problem when she came to live with us because apparently she was allowed to eat all the twinkies and ho ho's and dum dum's she wanted. Now that she has been living with us she looks like a regular sized 9 yr old girl. There were several reasons she came to live with us she wasn't doing very well where she was. It goes deeper than that but that is as much as I'm willing to indulge right now.

 

Obviously I am going to gripe about the negitive things on an online forum. I could go on about the good things just like I have the bad. I am not complaining, I have it good in so many ways, but I will not lie and say things are just peachy for me. The hardest part is having the kids all day to myself because I stay home and hubby works alot.

Confused, I have to go to sleep, but I will get back to your thread soon. I am glad things are not so bad for you. I am sorry, I identified myself with you and the situation is apparently different and you're different from me. Good for you.

 

No, hubby doesn't have biological kids... thank God!

Confused, I have to go to sleep, but I will get back to your thread soon. I am glad things are not so bad for you. I am sorry, I identified myself with you and the situation is apparently different and you're different from me. Good for you.

 

No, hubby doesn't have biological kids... thank God!

 

 

Don't worry about it. I could tell you misinterpreted me just a bit and I am looking forward to any advice you have since you've been in the step mother shoes.

Confused, I was thinking about you today and I don't see how I can help you with my experience. Mine seems to be too negative to be productive for you. All I can tell you is that whatever you do or say against his daughter, even a little thing, will hurt your husband a lot. So you basically either have to be like my husband - to genuinely adore the child so that you're allowed to criticize her or punish her, too - or you have to always be nice and sweet to her.

 

As much as you think that your husband appreciates all you've done for his daughter, I assure you that it can all be flushed away the first time he doesn't like something in your behavior toward her. People are very reserved with gratitude.

 

I am really afraid that some day you might end up sick from all the sacrifice you've done for her and he might tell you that HE sacrificed for YOUR son and you didn't do enough for his children. Sorry to be this pessimistic, but I sincerely feel sorry for you. If you feel angry about your situation on a regular basis, something is wrong. Perhaps you should agree on what's acceptable and define some rules for all the members of the household: anything from when you go to sleep, who cleans up after whom, to how you deal with temper tantrums and lack of discipline.

 

The sad part is that you got married - if not entirely, then at least partially - for love and romance; but all you got was obligations and responsibilities. This is the part that made me very unhappy in my previous marriage. Fortunately, kids grow fats and in a few years, you will have more freedom. The girl will be a teenager and your son will be bigger and start going to school. Sometimes you just need to endure the crap and not let it break your spirit.

 

When something starts bothering you a lot, just say to yourself that it really isn't so important. Smile, kiss them all and take a walk with your son. We have this illusion that life happens while we're young and once we grow older, everything ends. But it's not like that. Life basically starts when our kids grow up.

 

Right now everything revolves around kids and it's madness. But 10-15 or 20 years from now, you and your husband will have plenty of time for yourself, you will travel, go places, and believe it or not, the silence at home will bother you more than the crowd and noise bother you now.

 

Try to make your life easier and don't let the little things eat you up. If something doesn't leave consequences forever - it's a little thing, not worth the headache. What kind of a goal is that "I want to be the best step-mother in the world"? Most women aren't even step-mothers and don't have to bother walking on eggshells. When my husband's family started doing sh*t to me, I told him "I am not going to sweat about what they think of me - THEY should worry about what I think of THEM!"

 

Stop focusing on what kind of a step-mom you are. Start thinking of your own son. Is your husband the best step-dad on earth? Does he do for your son what you do for his kids? If in dilemma, you can always ask him what exactly he expects from you in a given situation. There's more in life than being the best step-mom on earth.

 

Sacrifice only when the reward is equal to or bigger than the sacrifice!

I think there should be a special place in Heaven for step-parents, especially step-moms. It's an impossible job with ever changing priorities. You get to hear that you're to blame when the child is bad and the "real" mom gets the credit when things go well. You do all the tasks - wash the clothes, make the bed, cook the meals - and then watch someone else get the Mother's Day card.

 

And yet my wife has done it all with my son and made it look easy. Without her help, he would never have grown into the fine man he has become. Keep up the good work and I hope you have similar success!

 

Mr. Lucky

I have 3 stepsons. I have known them 10 years and lived with their father for 7 years. For a large part of the 7 I have had the boys living with me half time - the youngest is still here half time.

 

I made a deliberated decision to treat my stepsons as I treat my sister's children: with affection, but reserving "parental" duties to their natural parents. I have avoided disciplining them unless it was absolutely necessary (something that could not wait until their father got home).

 

I have taken care of their needs indirectly very often: by insisting their dad took them to the doctor for acne medication, by telling him when he was too hard on them, by advocating for their style choices, by pointing out to him when they seemed upset or needed his attention for some reason.

 

I shop for their birthday and Christmas gifts, help with homework, give advice when needed, congratulated them on all good efforts, expressed my happiness for all good things that come to them, or sorrow for bad things.

 

I have spent hours and hours helping my husband care for his middle son - we thought he was a drug abuser, it turns out he is mentally ill. I devoted many more hours and put myself on the line personally and professionally to help my husband fight a custody battle over time with his youngest son.

 

I know that a lot of what I have done for my stepsons has been behind the scenes - known only to their father - but I don't regret having supported his relationship with them so fully while making sure they are taken care of. Being a good person IS its own reward.

 

I have great relationships with my stepsons. We are not loving to each other as parent to child, but I know they trust me and know I am in their corner wholeheartedly.

I have great relationships with my stepsons. We are not loving to each other as parent to child, but I know they trust me and know I am in their corner wholeheartedly.

Isn't this the best reward?

It is, RP.

 

I feel very proud of those boys when they do anything well, and have to remind myself that my contributions were tertiary, at best.

 

On rereading my post, I fear it sounds arrogant. I meant to be helpful, because I feel I have had "success". Of course, some of the credit ought to be given to the children involved.

 

I do feel proud of how things turned, but I also feel lucky - I happened to hit on a strategy that worked with my stepsons. When I started out, I just felt I needed to pick a "stance" and be consistent - so I went with the "aunt approach".

Confused, you're not terrible. It's one of the toughest things I've ever gone through.

 

My stepson was 7 when I met my H. He's going to be 20 next month. It was rough going at first. H and I weren't on the same page. He asked me to take over the disciplining for a time since I was unsatisfied and he just couldn't do it. I did that for a few years and when my stepson was 12 I told my H that I was turning it back over to him. I wanted to step back and be in a more supportive role. Plus, I really thought at that point he needed his dad's guidance more than mine.

 

So that's in a nutshell how it went. We also were/are on good terms with my stepson's mom although it wasn't that way for the first two years or so.

 

It's hard but it can be done. Just show a lot of love along with the discipline. Have some fun together and it will all turn out ok. It's good that your husband is on the same page with you. That's crucial.

 

My stepson has never failed to give me a Mother's Day card and gift along with his own mom. He's a sweetheart. And all the rough times along the way paid off.

 

You're just going through all the thoughts, emotions and strife that all of us as step-parents have had to go through. You're not terrible at all. In fact, you sound wonderful. That's one lucky little girl. And in time, if she doesn't already see it, she will. Trust me on that.

You're just going through all the thoughts, emotions and strife that all of us as step-parents have had to go through. You're not terrible at all. In fact, you sound wonderful. That's one lucky little girl. And in time, if she doesn't already see it, she will. Trust me on that.

 

Thank you so much for that! I really feel like I am the only one going through all this, but I know I'm not.

 

RP, I appriciate you're advice and agree that I am having a very different experience than you.

 

The sad part is that you got married - if not entirely, then at least partially - for love and romance; but all you got was obligations and responsibilities.

 

 

 

Although I did get alot of obligations and responsibilities, I also get the love and romance I wanted and I got the man of my dreams. I try to look at it like this... yes I have to put up with things I'd rather not and raising my step daughter isn't the easiest task in the world, but I have brought obligations into my marriage such as another child to discipline and raise and I also brought more financial burden on his back (since he is the bread winner).

 

When I started out, I just felt I needed to pick a "stance" and be consistent - so I went with the "aunt approach".

 

That is great you have such a good relationship with you're stepsons and that you found a way to make things work for you guys. I think my mistake is I try to hard to treat her like my daughter. Shes getting to where she acts very jealous of my son when I'm affectionate with him, and I know she misses her mom alot and so i try really hard to give her alot of affection too, but I hope its not hurting the situation more than its helping.

 

I think there should be a special place in Heaven for step-parents, especially step-moms. It's an impossible job with ever changing priorities. You get to hear that you're to blame when the child is bad and the "real" mom gets the credit when things go well. You do all the tasks - wash the clothes, make the bed, cook the meals - and then watch someone else get the Mother's Day card.

 

It is a hard job for sure! So many new issues and delemas that pop up and most of the time I'm the one that has to come up with the answers and that isnt' always easy to do. I know I probably make the wrong ones sometimes but God knows I try my best and my hardest. Thankfully there is no animosity between the mother and I, and she gives me so much credit for doing a good job taking care of her girls and she reminds me all the time how thankful she is I'm the one taking care of them. That helps more than words can say!