Do You Google Your Dates?

I had my out of state date a couple of weeks ago. This guy REALLY wanted to take me out despite living in a different state from me. I told him the distance pretty much ensured there was zero shot at us being anything more than friends, but he persisted. I figured he was lonely and maybe wanted some 'dating practice,' so I complied.

We went to dinner and then on a hike. It was fun. Nice, platonic time. We send messages back and forth still. But like I said, he lives in a different state. So friends only and no chance for a second date.

Yesterday he sent me what I felt was a vaguely confrontational/accusatory email. He said he went googling information about my business and stumbled upon my marriage certificate. Since my divorce is relatively new (2 months), my divorce information has not yet been posted in the online public records. Basically he left it hanging for me to explain myself.

So I did. I said I was married before and divorced recently. I didn't explain more because we only went on one date and were not long term potential, so I didn't feel guilty for not bringing this up right away. With that said, if he would have asked about prior relationships (Which he didn't), of course I would have told him about my marriage.

He wrote back that he was 'so relieved.'

But, the more I thought about it, the more I got annoyed. There was no reason to google me. If he wanted to know something about me, he could have asked. I would have told him. I felt that searching for information about me in my state's public records showed a suspicious nature about him.

Now I don't even want to be friends.

Am I silly to be annoyed by this? He insists he was just curious and didn't mean to invade my privacy. But I really just feel like he should have manned up and asked me what he was curious about instead of snooping. Does anyone here google their dates?

Yes, I do google my dates. Mainly for pictures, and whatnot.

I wouldn't dig around public records and such, just social networking sites, stuff that he would expect me to find eventually anyway. I hope. Or am I a stalker? Anyway, I don't do it with the intention of bringing up incriminating details or whatever, I do it to look at piccies, and such.

Erm, I do think the nature of the stuff he dug around in, state public profiles suggests he was looking for something incriminating or suspect, that may just be my opinion, but no, you're not silly to be annoyed by it.

Looking at it from that angle, I feel kinda bad I do a little snoop work on google, myspace, facebook, netlog....ooops. I'm in the realm of stalkerville!

I'd just calmly say if he has any questions or anything he'd like to know, he'd get a far more accurate, honest response from you, not google.

Always. I might not do it before the first date, but at some point I always get curious. I assume my dates do the same to me (and even kind of hope they do). I don't go searching in government databases or do criminal background checks or anything like that.

I don't do any OLD, but if I were doing that stuff, I would definitely search their background. You don't know what kind of sleazy people are out there on OLD sites.

uhmmm....

This guy wants to be more than friends. So yeah I'd probably just not be anything.

Its your own fault for "justifying" your divorce. You really didn't owe him anything, and I'm sure you're aware of this. Then you told him. You can't turn around and get mad you told him that stuff, you chose to do that. Next time just don't respond.

I know the googling thing has to weird you out a bit. Some girl just favourited me, she has no picture, and it weirds me the hell out.

No, I don't google dates, LS'ers or my exW. Our case filing/court docket was available online within two weeks of being officially filed with the court and served upon me. I tracked it online for nearly a year until seeing the 'Marriage Ends on XXX (date)', after which the official documents arrived in the mail from the court. If a prospective date inquires if my divorce is final, I merely e-mail her the CFL# (docket) and she can see for herself right on the court web site. No google required. Pretty simple. Good luck

Oh, yeah, launch this turd.

Oh, yeah, launch this turd.

Agreed..

The problem isn't that he googled you.. public records are just that public.. he didn't invade your privacy..

What he did do is accuse you of being untrustworthy with the info he found thru the internet and he was wrong..

Shame on him.. he owns it all.. what an eff up the turd is...

Launch........

I Google all my dates. I also check the wedding channel registry and three local counties' criminal and family law filings (for divorces as well as domestic violence and DUIs).

Can't tell you how many dates I caught in lies that way.

Agreed..

 

The problem isn't that he googled you.. public records are just that public.. he didn't invade your privacy..

 

What he did do is accuse you of being untrustworthy with the info he found thru the internet and he was wrong..

 

Shame on him.. he owns it all.. what an eff up the turd is...

Launch........

When I was online dating I would, however I would never call them out on something I found, that just comes off as stalkerish and creepy.

The story might have been different had I come across something really bad (a sex offender registry or something like that, god forbid), but in that case I would probably just stop talking to them all together.

Can't tell you how many dates I caught in lies that way.

See, my problem is he didn't even give me an opportunity to lie. He never asked me! If given half the chance, I would have told him the truth about being married before. I just felt like he assumed I was going to lie and went digging around without giving me a chance.

Now, if he asked me and felt like my response was a little shady and wanted to do some digging to verify, then that would have been different.

See, my problem is he didn't even give me an opportunity to lie. He never asked me! If given half the chance, I would have told him the truth about being married before. I just felt like he assumed I was going to lie and went digging around without giving me a chance.

 

Now, if he asked me and felt like my response was a little shady and wanted to do some digging to verify, then that would have been different.

Yeah, the way he went about it wasn't very cool.

And if something like this (where he didn't even ask you about something and then later accused you of lying about it) sets him off, what little thing is going to set him off next?

I can't think of any reason to get angry after a first date. You don't know each other and don't owe each other anything. If my date crawled out of the bathroom window to get away from me, I wouldn't get angry about it.

Am I silly to be annoyed by this? He insists he was just curious and didn't mean to invade my privacy. But I really just feel like he should have manned up and asked me what he was curious about instead of snooping. Does anyone here google their dates?

You are justified to be annoyed.

I have only googled one person's nickname and I told him about it just because I felt guilty I did that<go figure!>.

Like you, I would prefer for people to ask, instead of "googling", but I am not terribly annoyed about it if they do. I would be annoyed(if I care about them) if they find something they didn't like and they do not give me a chance to explain or clarify---and just vanish.

Thank goodness, most of the people I know, I know in RL and the two I met online (LSers ) are so open about their personal info-there is really no need to resort to google.

Guilty. Mostly just out of curiosity and pictures.

oh and...

OK, I've decided that I'm done with this guy. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. My new question is: Should I write him and tell I'm done and why? Or should I just ignore him from here on out?

Since it's clear from personal interaction that there is no potential intimacy beyond the platonic, why would he be 'relieved' about your marital status?

Black hole him. No need to explain yourself.

OK, I've decided that I'm done with this guy. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. My new question is: Should I write him and tell I'm done and why? Or should I just ignore him from here on out?

I would not send any type of communication, until he asks. If he does not ask why he has not heard from you, then he does not need to know why. Maybe he can google that..

I'll go to something like Facebook, but only to see more pictures - not for investigative reasons, but in that early dating, puppy dog "I want to see you as often as I can" thing. The only time I'd even consider looking into someone is if they were saying or doing something that just didn't gel. Even then, I'd probably cut them loose, instead.

If I suspected a date was looking into me, I'd run a Telephone Game on them. It's a thing I've learned to do over the years. You put out a small bit of false information that you can easily repute, but if were proven would get you in trouble with the target, and wait to see if it gets back to you. If it does, you know you have a snoop.

If she was snooping on me, I'd prove my innocence and then cut my date loose. No second chance, no "let's be friends", nothing. Just "bye". If I'm being investigated after Date #1, it's a sign that I'm not trusted and things will only get worse. Emails, phones, tails, the list goes on. I'm not going to waste my life proving myself to someone else, and I certainly don't have to justify myself to someone after one date.

Sarah, if I were in your position, I'd cut him loose. But that's just my 2¢.

Am I silly to be annoyed by this? He insists he was just curious and didn't mean to invade my privacy. But I really just feel like he should have manned up and asked me what he was curious about instead of snooping. Does anyone here google their dates?

Why does he have to ask? The ink isn't even dry on your divorce paperwork... that's something YOU are supposed to tell your date.

That said... this guy has no LTR potential, and you have been upfront about that... so who cares?

In terms of what he did... it is something I'd recommend to any guy. When I was using the online dating... I accidentally went out with 2 married women in as many months without knowing it until afterwards. The second one told me on the 2nd date and acted like it was no big deal.

Agreed..

The problem isn't that he googled you.. public records are just that public.. he didn't invade your privacy..

What he did do is accuse you of being untrustworthy with the info he found thru the internet and he was wrong..

Shame on him.. he owns it all.. what an eff up the turd is...

Launch........

No... his crime was in assuming she is willing to enter a relationship with him just because she gave in to 1 date.

Had she been considering him for a relationship... this is something she should have been VERY upfront about. The next guy should have the opportunity to know well in advance if he is going to be the rebound guy. Nobody should be forced to ask this kind of stuff on a first date.

No... his crime was in assuming she is willing to enter a relationship with him just because she gave in to 1 date.

 

Had she been considering him for a relationship... this is something she should have been VERY upfront about. The next guy should have the opportunity to know well in advance if he is going to be the rebound guy. Nobody should be forced to ask this kind of stuff on a first date.

Did you read the OP? Let me quote it for you:

I had my out of state date a couple of weeks ago. This guy REALLY wanted to take me out despite living in a different state from me. I told him the distance pretty much ensured there was zero shot at us being anything more than friends, but he persisted. I figured he was lonely and maybe wanted some 'dating practice,' so I complied.

His crime is being persistent and not taking no for an answer. Her crime is being too kind to persistent guys.

I google everyone new to me. If I dont know them via a mutual friend, I google harder. For a first date such as yours...before I went out of town to meet him and for sure before I went on a hike in the woods with a stranger ...I'd have had a criminal background check done.

And I'll be honest...if I meet someone and am interested beyond the third date...I check out even more. lol ....did I mention that I have a broken man picker??

But as to your particular guy googling you like that: Sure, everyone does it out of curiosity. But after just one date you dont start coming out and making accusations based on what you read on line. Thats just wrong and needy.

Why does he have to ask? The ink isn't even dry on your divorce paperwork... that's something YOU are supposed to tell your date.

On the first date? "Hi, nice to meet you! I'm divorced!"

I thought first dates were supposed to be light and fun. Not a time for discussing failed relationships.

I am dating other people, I never told any of them on the first date. None of them asked.

I usually tell them on date #2 or #3 if it hasn't already come up already. (For example, one guy mentioned on date 2 his divorce at which point I said, "Oh yeah? Me too.") The other guys I just volunteered the info.

Did you read the OP? Let me quote it for you:

His crime is being persistent and not taking no for an answer. Her crime is being too kind to persistent guys.

I totally agree. She should never have gone on a date with this guy as he is persistent to the point of annoying. Doing that just added fuel to his fire.

However... for a guy she IS considering... the info that her marriage just ended is kind of vital. She should be disclosing that early on.

If she was snooping on me, I'd prove my innocence and then cut my date loose. No second chance, no "let's be friends", nothing. Just "bye". If I'm being investigated after Date #1, it's a sign that I'm not trusted and things will only get worse. Emails, phones, tails, the list goes on. I'm not going to waste my life proving myself to someone else, and I certainly don't have to justify myself to someone after one date.

Right now if I sent you my email address with my name, I'd take odds of 1000-1 you would hit my webpage before replying back to me and then also google me..

How is that any different ?.. I'll help you.. it isn't.

the info that her marriage just ended is kind of vital. She should be disclosing that early on.

I agree she should.. and she posted that she does.. just not on the first date