AAaargh...

Why can't I just leave him! Why can't I just tell his sorry ass that I want nothing more to do with these head ****s! I' so tired of this bullsyt. Tired of balling my eyes out over his ****ed up mood swings. Why the hell can't I GD leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!

What the hell is wrong with me!?!

I don't wanna sleep in my car... that's part of whats worng.

Why whyw hwy why why why why?

I'm sorry you're so upset Walk. Do you want to vent? Do it!

Your folks would take you back, I'm sure. There's no shame in making more than one mistake in life. Lots of us make many more than that. You can live with friends, a roommate. There's plenty you can do, Walk, and I know LSers will help you figure it out if you would just...walk.

I had that group project and he'd had a bad day. I didn't set his pj's out and bring him his coffee, and when he see's this... he clams up. Stops talking. Grunts answers to questions. Asked me how my project was going. I said not very good. I said I didn't know if I should re-do the other kids part, or send it in as is. No answer from him. He just sits there. Nothing. Then he goes to bed.

He had to work today. Gets home.. asks how my day went. I said ok. I asked about his. He said "it was better than I thought it'd be." He asks if I want breakfast, adn I said I wasnt' hungry, but I hadn't eaten in a long while so I probably should. He says.. he's not making breakfast if I'm not going to eat it. So I got up to start breakfast. He says, don't bother. I say why? He repeats it. I ask when he ate last. He says again. "Don't bother." I say "fine"

Then he goes to bed again.

Wakes up. No better. I ask what's bugging him, does he wanna talk about it. I was trying to be all caring and concerned etc. Saying, if you wanna talk I'd love to hear about it.. He responds "General Animosity."

I ask a while later if I can cuddle up with him. He says no, he'd prefer not to. I'm about to burst into tears, so I say I'm going to the store. He says he would prefer I didn't. I said why. He says he'd rather go.I say, no you don't, you told your friend (who'd called earlier) that you weren't leaving the house today.

SO finally, I tell him... I think you just don't want me to go because you can't stand the thought of me doing a damn thing for you right now. So you're telling me not to go because it would be something done for you. But I want to go, I want to get out fo the house.

He says you can go shopping, just don't buy any groceries, or stuff for me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO I go for a walk. I get back, he's doing the dishes. He does this shyt. He wont' let me do anything. He absolutely refuses to let me do anything when he gets like this. I hate it. And it' snot like he wants me around. He just doesn't want me gone.

AAaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!! WTF!

I don't HAVE friends. I have people I meet with once in a blue moon. Hell, can't even get them to hang out with me.

Tell me if I'm screwed up here? He'll say he's not "punshing me". He'll say he is talking to me. He'll say he went out of his way to do things for me, and look how ungrateful I am. He'll say it's me. That I couldnt' just give him space. THat he gives and gives and I never appreciate it. How hard he works, and how he has to bust his ass to pay ALL the bills,and I jsut use him, etc. etc.

Then I feel like ass. I can't stand this anymroe... but GDammit, I feel like somethign wont' let me leave. WHY? What is it? I dont' feel scared of being alone. I'm alone here. I dont' care if I never date again. Why can't I just leave!?! WHY?! Am I that pathetic? What would I really lose out on? I'd finally be able to relax. Focus on myself for a change. Not worry about what kind of mood someone else is in.

I went to a writers meeting the other night. To a bar. And i was so jumpy. Couldnt' relax. I need mental help. my god.

I feel that way when I'm in an abusive relationship.

He has got you to the point where he blames you for all his problems and you accept it because he's said it so often and so emphatically that you believe it.

You're going to school, right? Is there a counselling centre there?

Walk, he's completely controlling you.

He doesn't want you to do anything for him because he thinks you'll throw it in his face - Yet, then he does things for you, and it's all a way of manipulating you. He tells you want to do, how to do it, what not to buy.

I didn't set his pj's out and bring him his coffee, and when he see's this... he clams up.

WTF? Does he want you to wipe his ass too?

You said you feel alone already in this relationship...You're right. And it's doing damage to you. Gotta get out somehow, so keep posting, venting things out. Definately talk to someone at school, OC is right - There has to be counselling set up there. Please, consider this because things are NOT going to change with this guy.

There is counseling... I've looked it up twice in the past month, but I get scared/embarressed and never call the number. Not even sure that's the right kind of counseling. Didn't find anything else. Wonder if they charge for that. Guess I can call and ask about that, at the least...

I told him last night that I was done. That I was leaving. Started packing. He comes up stairs and says "I'd suggest you pack an overnight bag, and go where ever it is you have to go for the night. But if you move your stuff out, then we're done. No trying anymore. So make sure this is really what you want before you do it."

I didn't know. My heads feels like it's filled up with blackness. Nothing. I just laid there and cried. fell asleep on the floor of the spare bedroom. After he said the above... he went back downstairs, adn then slept on the couch.

I don't want to leave, but **** me, I don't want to go through this every two weeks either. Same story every time. My inability to make him sexual aroused. And I told him.. then you have the wrong girl. I'm not who you want.

I wonder (and please don't hold this against me later), but I wonder if part of the reason I stay is because I feel I don't do enough. That I could do alot more, but that I do get lazy. So i feel guilty. It seems so simple really. Show him I really want to have sex with him. But then all these other issues get thrown in. I can't just come out naked and try to entice him, because it seems like he's always telling me he's not interested in what I'm offering. No matter what I do, it seems like he's got a reason why I didn't do it right, or the way he wanted. And when I say that to him, he tells me "I know I'm f'ed up in the head. I need your help in this. That's why I asked you to do this for me. To help me overcome these hang-ups I have." And he goes on about how he knows it's not fair to me, and he knows he's asking for a lot.. but that he gives a lot too. So he doesnt' feel he's asking for more than he gives. And I shouldn't be hurt if something doesn't work, just try something different. But I can't help it... it hurts to be rejected.

And all he says is, he knows I try, and if I feel it's too much, that he's asking for too much, then he would understand if I left. And that he wouldn't think bad of me at all, or wish me harm in anyway. Just that it didn't work, and he would hope that I could find someone who I'd be happy with.

Then I feel like it's me.. like I don't try hard enough. It should be so simple. Just do those things he's said will turn him on... But when I do them, he says he's not in the mood. He's tired. He's anything but turned on by it. So I feel... rejected. ugly, unwanted, repulsive. And he wants me to try again, and keep trying... and I can't bring myself to be rejected again. It hurts.

So I don't do anything for two weeks except ask if he'd like to come upstairs... and come the end of that time, he blows a nut. Says I only do the "bare rock bottom minimum". So I look back at what I tried, and I only tried that one thing... so I guess I did do the bare minimum. Yet he still works 6 days a week to make sure our bills are paid.

I'm missing something... some piece of logic. It makes sense when he says it. Then I hate myself for not trying harder. That I shouldn't let it affect my self-esteem. Normally I'm really confident, so a little dent here and there shouldn't crush me. But this feels like it does. To feel like I am both figuratively and literally naked in front of him, offering him myself in my entirety, only to have him tell me... he doesnt' want what I'm offering..... and he doesn't understand why I won't do it more often. Since he doesn't feel it should hurt me in anyway. His example: Like declining the offer of a drink from someone. The person offering shouldn't feel they've been rejected. Only that the person wasn't thirsty right then.

I'm just thinking out loud.... I'll try one last time today. I would like to know how to explain my feelings better to him. I dont' communicate well in person. I don't verbalize well. If you had a suggestion on how to convey these thoughts better...so a man would understand. I'd appreciate it. But this constant fighting and crying is killing me. No matter how much love I have for him. I can't let myself be torn down so much that I'm useless to anyone else. my family, my nieces... myself. they need me

Walk, he's completely controlling you.

 

He doesn't want you to do anything for him because he thinks you'll throw it in his face - Yet, then he does things for you, and it's all a way of manipulating you. He tells you want to do, how to do it, what not to buy.

 

WTF? Does he want you to wipe his ass too?

I called him on that yesterday.. the pjs and coffee. He says it didnt' have anythign to do with it. He hadn't noticed. This wasn't about that. Who knows... could be truth, or not be.

I don't want you guys to think I don't call him out on all this. I do. I say it how I see it. And I don't hold much back. I don't cuss as much as I'd really like too.. I try to stay civil.. But I dont' hold back on what I think, feel, or want. I'm not a push over and I've got a temper that rivals most red heads. Don't think I'm defensless... but I'm confused where the line is drawn.

I have homework to do... Thanks for listening. And being supportive. I have a request though. Don't attack him. I know me enough to know that as soon as you attack him, I will become defensive of him. I don't understand why i do this.. but I do it with everyone I love and care about. Even if I completely agree with the words. I even defendd my ex against the marriage counselor, even though I had no intention of ever staying married to that schmuck. I still stood there and yelled at the counselor for saying it was all my ex's fault. I'm screwed up like that. So the harder you try to tell me how crappy my bf is, the more I will defend him. Please help me, but do so by pointing out where my logic is wrong. Not in attacking him. It throws me into illogically mode.

There is counseling... I've looked it up twice in the past month, but I get scared/embarressed and never call the number. Not even sure that's the right kind of counseling. Didn't find anything else. Wonder if they charge for that. Guess I can call and ask about that, at the least...

Nothing whatsoever to be embarrassed about, Walk. Nothing. The people there will be LS but with a face and a voice. They will be concerned for you and they will want to help you out - but they'll actually be able to do it because they're right there unlike us who live too far away to be of assistance.

I wonder if part of the reason I stay is because I feel I don't do enough. That I could do alot more, but that I do get lazy. So i feel guilty.

He has told you that so often that you believe it. If you get a chance to do some research on social psych, check out information on 'persuasion'. Regular people can use the exact same tactics that professionals do - professionals learned about the psychology of persuasion from studying people like your BF. Why do hundreds of people drink poison kool-aid? Because some people are amazingly persuasive and convince other people to do awful things - subject themselves to harm, even.

For all our intellect, we're still sometimes creatures that respond predictably to certain sorts of stimuli and folks like your bf figure that out somehow. He may not do it deliberately, but he's learned how to manipulate you and you are just a puppet at the end of the strings he pulls.

It seems so simple really. Show him I really want to have sex with him.

It's not simple at all. He sets up a ridiculously unreasonable set of criteria that you must follow to the letter or else he'll go into one of his sulks. That' s not fair, normal, or reasonable behaviour. If you don't run the maze exactly correctly, you don't get the cheese. You must do his bidding exactly the way he demands it. That's not a healthy way to behave at all.

No matter what I do, it seems like he's got a reason why I didn't do it right, or the way he wanted.

That's manipulation and control.

And when I say that to him, he tells me "I know I'm f'ed up in the head. I need your help in this. That's why I asked you to do this for me. To help me overcome these hang-ups I have."

It is NOT your job to fix him!!!!!! How dare he put that responsibility on you? If he really wants help, he needs to see a professional. This is how he guilts you into staying - the abusers do that; they play the 'poor me, I've had such a hard life' card, knowing that your empathy causes you to feel that you must help.

And he goes on about how he knows it's not fair to me, and he knows he's asking for a lot.. but that he gives a lot too. So he doesnt' feel he's asking for more than he gives.

Oh come on, Walk. What does he 'give'? He pays for you. Where's the love, care, and consideration? It should be a constant thing and difficulties should be rare, not the other way 'round. Do you know that a rat will continue to do what it's supposed to do even when it's punished so long as it's rewarded from time to time? So he hands out a crumb once in a while to keep you going back in hope you'll get the crumb. Typical abuser behaviour.

Then I feel like it's me.. like I don't try hard enough.

He's got you so brainwashed that everything wrong with him is your fault. It's exactly the same thing that physical abusers do - no matter what a person does to please them, it's never enough. It's their way of keeping control, Walk. They know that you want to please them and will do whatever it takes, so they keep raising the bar and raising the bar to keep you feeling like you're not good enough.

Yet he still works 6 days a week to make sure our bills are paid.

Big woo. Every self-respecting male earns his keep. This is nothing so extraordinary that it deserves special laud.

I'm missing something... some piece of logic. It makes sense when he says it

Yes. That is the art of the manipulator - making the argument so persuasive that you must agree. Repeating it so often that you become convinced it's true. You're simply a normal human that is responding predictably to tried-and-true methods of manipulation.

I would like to know how to explain my feelings better to him. I dont' communicate well in person. I don't verbalize well. If you had a suggestion on how to convey these thoughts better...so a man would understand. I'd appreciate it

This is NOT about you, your ability to communicate, nor your ability to verbalize. You suffer from the illusion that if you just did it right, things would be ok. This is your problem. I've been there - for a while. Until I realized that no amount of effort on your part will move someone like that. You suffer from the belief that enough love or enough logic or enough communication will get through. It might IF HE DID NOT HAVE SO MANY ISSUES THAT NOTHING WILL GET THROUGH TO HIM.

Walk, we all know alcoholics or addict who no amount of logic, love, pleading, money, or any amount of persuasion can't reach. You need to understand that this is one of those people. That whatever is wrong with him is neither your fault nor your responsibility to fix. Moreover, he's likely unfixable. Some people are. It's very, very, VERY sad but there is nothing you can do. And until you accept that there is nothing you can do, you will continue to attempt to repair that which is irreparable.

I hope and pray that you will finally come to the acceptance that I had to come to - that no amount of love can repair some people despite our best and sincerest efforts.

So the harder you try to tell me how crappy my bf is, the more I will defend him.

Search on 'Stockholm Syndrome'. You are so convinced that he is your key to survival (especially when you keep saying that leaving him would mean living in your car) that you defend him because you think you must have him to live. So when people 'attack' him, you feel your own survival is threatened and you fight for it. Which you will continue to do until you let people help you find another way to survive that won't entail living in your car and will ensure you're taken care of.

I'll call the counseling center tomorrow. I'm saying this on here, so that I'll follow through on it. So, I Promise (myself and all of you) that I'll call and set up an appointment tomorrow to talk to someone.. (assuming they don't want an arm and a leg for payment.)

I had a weird dream last night... dreamt I was cheating on my exH with my bf. And the entire time, I was thinking... I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT!! ever. Woke up feeling like crap. I didn't understand it. I cheated on the ex. But I'd rather kill myself then ever do that again. I won't do that again... I didn't understand the dream...

Thank you for listening Outcast, Whichwayisup, and Blind Otter. It means a lot to me that you do listen and continue to help.

You'll make it, Walk. I got out. B-O got out. You can do it, too - and go on to thrive!

Hey Walk,

How are you?

According to the eminent philosopher William James the greatest discovery of our age has been that we, by changing the inner aspects of our thinking, can change the outer aspects of our lives. We are not victims but co-creators in the building of our lives and the world around us. Put another way we aren't what we think we are, but what we think, we are!

"To think that your life is controlled in any way by another individual, group or society imposes a condition of mental slavery which makes you a prisoner by decree." Dr Robert Anthony

"Don't worry about the whole world: if you do, it will overwhelm you. Worry about one wave at a time. Please yourself. Do Something for you, and the rest will fall into line" Dr Seabury

Physical slavery is a punishable crime but, far worse is mental slavery for the punishment is, as Descartes puts it, "A life of quiet desparation"

Do your own thing hon, please you and concentrate on what concerns you, your man will work himself out. You gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else.