Break NC on Valentine's Day?

Um... think again... I think its the other way around! What makes this guy so fabulous anyway that you would think that? Just because he does not feel the same connection with you as you do with him does not make you not good enough. It sounds to me like you would have done anything to make things work out. All those who have been dumped and are mourning the loss is feels that. But I came to realize that the relationship would be empty if all I ever did was give and got nothing in return. I feel that with my current ex. When he pursued me, he promised me the a life of laughter and partnership, in reality, he kept none of his promises and gave me nothing but heartache and tears. He painted a really happy life with him and his family and that I would be part of that and then called me an outsider and that I would always be one. He told me that his heart belongs to me, but later when I confronted him, he admitted that his kids, his work and many other things (his ex included) are more important to him. I told him that if that's the case, then we have no business being together. That I cannot live a life wondering when he will leave me to try to get back together with his ex. Like you, I thought I just wasn't good enough for him. Now its not about that. I hope he will have a happy life. I never want to wish ill on someone, but I hope that for myself, that I will be with someone who will look out for my interest, love me for who I am, cherish me and never take me for granted.

If I were you, I'd maintain NC. You'll heal faster that way. Occupy your time with hobbies and things you like to do. Talk to people... just don't talk to him. I wish I could do the same, but I work with him closely.

Hi,

Thank you so much!!!

Well, the bottom line is that whenever a guy liked me and I didn't, it was because they were not good enough.

And that's the way it is.

Yeah, you always tell them that you are incompatible, that you wouldn't be a good match, that you have different interests , that they are wonderful, and cute, and this and that. It's all bs anyway.

Well, it may be that they are nice people though, but for someone else.

Thanks for sharing your story, at least you got to spend more time with your guy it seems than I did with mine, since it was a LDR.

I'll do NC for a while I suppose, till I get over , and then I might be friends with him some day,

Ariadne

To be honest with you, I would have preferred it if we just stayed platonic friends (this says a lot as we lived together). At least we would still be hanging out with other colleagues, going for a round of golf here and there, but most importantly I would still respect him as a human being. Because of a lot of things he's done and said to me when we split up, I lost all respect for him. Yeah, I would have wished for something I can't have and with time that feeling would have subsided and its better than losing respect for someone. Now all I feel is a sense of akwardness at work... I feel like a prisoner 8 or 9 hours a day.

Remember this... all relationships are hard. All relationships are based on how much you BOTH put in it. But end of day, a relationship is valued at how you decide to value it. I think its important to remember that. You place the crumbs he gives you with so much value and you give him your heart and he treats it like trash. Keep your heart (and your sanity in the process) and don't even bother with giving him crumbs. He doesn't deserve it.

Hi,

At work with him!?

Wow, that must be tough. I can't even imagine. I remember when I had a crush on some guy at work, it was a nightmare. I had to peek through the door to make sure the halls were clear to run to the bathroom, and I missed the meetings too.

I'm friends with most of my ex's though, and still do things with them like hiking, having dinner sometimes, go to the beach, but all platonic as you said.

Because of a lot of things he's done and said to me when we split up, I lost all respect for him.

Oh, well I did some of that today. I was upset at him after he told me that he liked me as a friend, because I told him "I love you" so very many times, with eyes full of love in tender moments.

How would he not have said anything!? I felt so embarrassed . If I guy I didn't love were to tell me "I love you," I would stop it right there. Or maybe after the second time. I'd tell him thank you, that's nice, and set him straight.

Sigh..... that's how things go sometimes, what can you do? I'm stupid.

Ariadne

I see with the corner of my eye that he passes by my desk a few times a day, he turns his head over to see if he can catches my eye. There are so many other ways to get where he needs to go without passing my desk. He should just bugger of and give me some peace. I just keep working doing what I need to do and ignore him. He's lucky that he doesn't catch my eye... I think he's used to people liking him so he would hate the look of distain that I have for him right now. I respond to his emails to me as curt but as polite as possible.

You shouldn't say that you are stupid. You cared for him and believed in him. Like you said, if you don't love someone back you would set him straight, right? That's not only what I call respectful, but smart. If you lead someone on to believe the feelings of love is reciprocated, you will have a hard time getting rid of that person should you want to. At minimum, he should have set you straight on the onset. No one is stupid here, but some people lack respect for people feeling more than others. I find that for me, it was that realization that made me realize that I loved him as I thought he was and what he has the potential to be. In reality, the person I thought he was doesn't exist and the potential is just that - a potential.

Well,

As long as you can do your work is what matters. It would be nice if you guys could get to be friends in a platonic way some day and got to talk, since you work together. But easier said than done...

At minimum, he should have set you straight on the onset. No one is stupid here, but some people lack respect for people feeling more than others.

I just think he didn't want to disappoint me, since I seemed so happy at that time.

But he does have respect for people's feelings, he is too nice if anything, and I guess I was just too upset at this whole thing . It hurts too bad.

Still, I don't regret breaking NC. I think it was important what we had to say in these last days.

Nice talking to you zarathustra,

Ariadne

Just like that...

Hi you guys, here's more of the Soap Opera. I check my email and I get this email from him:

No, you're great. You're sweet, kind, fun, and all kinds of good things.

More fun than anything else today--I left early this morning to go get the Jeep fixed. Since I got it in bright and early they were able to get it taken care of today, so I'm back now, complete with Jeep. I'd given Perry (my mother's husband) a ride to pick up his car yesterday and he was sure the noise coming from the back was the bearings going out and that the rear wheel was about to fall off at any moment. It wasn't; everything turned out to be okay, but as always, they came up with a few things that they thought should be fixed while it was apart. So, I still had them do a few minor things, but at least it all got done in a few hours.

And you missed the big explosion. I'd left a bottle of soda in the car overnight and it froze solid. I brought it inside to the kitchen and was getting a glass of something else and it exploded. Like four feet away from me--hardly more than arm's reach. Not just a little pop, pieces of frozen soda went all the way to the pantry closet and even into the laundry. The exploding soda bottle actually smashed the coffee maker and pieces of that were thrown all over the room, too. It was quite the mess. Everything had soda thrown all over it. I think I'll remember to be more careful with frozen soda in the future.

See how hard it is to be in NC with him!?

I've been writing with him for over a year now...

(Jesus)

Ariadne

Creepy guy (to me) hasn't called at all after Valentine's day.

At least that's good,

Ariadne

Hi you guys,

Sorry about the last deleted post .

Well, if anyone is interested, this is what happened...

I didn't care for talking to him about soda bottles, or computers, or high definition video, or movie editing etc... Things he likes to talk about "only".

Well, I do like his interests, but I get very frustrated if that's the only thing he talks about.

So, I just told him how about meeting again etc... which I figured was the fastest way to send him running. Which was not dishonest either because that's what "I" want to talk about.

So, he stopped talking to me again and that was that .

Now I have another concern. I started volunteering at a pet orphanage where I got very attached to a couple dogs (since I fall in love easily etc).

So now I'm very distressed about them living there in that sad place, and not being able to adopt them (I live in an apt and I can't)........ sigh!...............

Ariadne

Hi,

And another thing I did.

I talked to his ex (the big love of his).

I had talked to her before and she was really nice. So I contacted her and gave her an update of what's been going on lately since it's been a while since I last talked to her.

Good thing she wasn't mad at me, because the last time I talked to her I forwarded him the chats with her and told her so, so she didn't like that . This time I warned her that the talks might end up in his hands, she said she was aware (can't have secrets with him).

So we just exchanged a few comments on what's being going on and I agree with her, basically the obvious, although she suggested that I stayed friends with him which I doubt it'd be possible. I'd continue with my unwelcome and relentless romantic pursuit.

Ariadne

Hi,

And the truth of the matter is...

He doesn't even "want" to talk about his interests with me anymore.

Even that got old, he doesn't want to be friends with me.

He was just being polite and responding to my emails without sounding harsh, and trying to bring up a light neutral subject not to ignore me altogether .

Oh, I just hope to get over this nighmare once and for all...

Ariadne

I'm a mess!

I've been crying...

Crying because he is not talking to me and I miss him, I still miss him...

And crying for the doggies...

This is not what I intended when I went to that place, and now it breaks my heart.

How can these two little angels be abandoned?! Freddy and Brandy

The first is so nervous that he almost chokes when he eats and burps. So I've been getting him to relax and sleep on my lap. The second one has separation anxiety.

Fooled! CaliGuy! Do you guys want to adopt a dog?... Someone? Someone in LA? They are here.

Ok, later guys,

Ariadne

Oh, Aria! So sorry you're still hurting.

I would love to adopt a dog, but it wouldn't be fair to it. My work hours are inconsistent - and I go out of town a lot.

One day though -- one day.

Hey Rio,

Ugh?! What happened?

I just went to reply to your post and poof! It was gone...

Weird...... why are they deleting posts like that?

Anyway, I got to read your post and I can see your concern.

I told that italiguy what I thought based on what I read.

I may be wrong, but that's what I though.

(And I'm not that young, I have a 15 year old son )

Ariadne

Hey,

Thanks. Well, what can you do...

My work hours are inconsistent - and I go out of town a lot.

Okk. Yeah, that'd be a problem. I just hope someone will take them .

Ariadne

Ok you guys,

Since we are at it, let's be brave. I have a book called Obsessive Love, and I realize that I fit the obsessive lover pattern quite a bit (and have in previous relationships as well). Well, maybe the example below is a stretch, but not by much.

So, if online guy is reading this, he shouldn't feel guilty.

From my Obsessive Love book:

Remember that obsessors believe they know your true feelings better than you do, so you won't accomplish anything by letting yourself get drawn into an explanation of your position. Explanations may make you feel less cruel, but they only muddy the waters, giving the obsessor hope that you can be persuaded to reconsider. An obsessor will never give up as long as you're still willing to talk.

Many obsessive lovers are infuriatingly deaf to even the most articulate, emphatic, and unambiguous statements.

Elliot learned the hard way that nothing short of being cold and blunt would get through to Lisa. When he tried to let her down easy, Lisa misread his attempts to be kind and supportive as proof that he cared about her. It didn't matter what he said. She wasn't listening, she was just looking for an opening. Her unwillingness to take no for an answer left Elliot with little choice but to act in ways that he hated.

Elliot: I'd always thought of myself as a pretty sensitive, honest guy. But she really brought the worst in me. I mean, she forced me to be an a**h***. I believe in communicating with people, that's how you solve problems. I'd never just slammed the phone down on anybody in my life. It really made me feel shty about myself.

Lisa's behavior had backed him into a corner. In the end, his only alternative to being "cruel" would have been to stay in a relationship that had become unbearable.

He hadn't heard from her in almost two months. But then she called:

Elliot: She wanted to get together with me just to lunch. She said she couldn't stand the idea of having someone running around thinking she was crazy. She really sounded different, and she made a lot of sense..........

Under the circumstances, most of us might have said "why not." The tought of retroactively turning a bad ending into an amicable one is very tempting.

Elliot: The second I saw her I knew I'd made a mistake. She was wearing a very sexy dress and she greeted me with a big hug "for old times' sake." We had hardly ordered our food before she was trying to rope me into another date..... I kept saying no, until she finally asked me why I was turning her down on these things since they were all so innocent..... By the time she finished, I was drowning in my own guilt again.....

When Elliot agreed to have lunch with Lisa he was, in effect, giving her a few crumbs of hope. But from crumbs obsessive lovers make loaves. Obsessors take the slightest indication of friendship or even curiosity to mean that the target is still ambivalent.

Still, she continued to call every few months for the next two years (oh no), each time with a different clever story. But her calls came less often as time wore on......

------

Ariadne

I'm feeling completely better now!

This guy was a pain in the a$$!

LOL

Ariadne

is this Valentines Day thread goin' on from this year or last year?

Hi guys,

Ok, it's up and down, up and down...

Last night I was laughing this whole thing of for ridiculous, only to I wake up at 3am... oh no!

How come someone be a part of your life and share everything that happens in their life with you for one year, every day, sometimes a few times a day, and then disappear out of your life completely? Like they don't even know you...

And I keep thinking that my crime in all of this was to love him. Naturally, loving him I want to see him and touch him. That makes me undesirable. Because I can't love him, or I'll be tossed aside.

I wonder what kind of a weird experiment this was. I've had male friends with whom I email regurlarly, but usually after exchanging an email or two they fall out of radar. With this guy we shared everything, our insecurities, our memories from childhood, he's seen pictures of my first birthday, of my teen friends from high school, we've shared stories about our whole family...

And why? Why would someone get to that level of intimacy and not care one bit about you. Other than a penpal gal.

I still think this was so bizarre, maybe one day it'll make sense. And I suppose something is left in there, because he'll remember the things we talked about, and I will too.

Ariadne

Adriadne,

They do remember those things, -I firmly believe that.

Whether they think about them as often or not.

-Rio

Thanks...

Ariadne

Hi,

In case you are wondering after this long thread...

We met three times during the year.

The first time I went to see him (from LA to Denver) for a week.

We had what I'd consider the most intimate moments. I guess because it was the first time we saw each other. Touching him was magic, his smell was heaven. But he couldn't kiss me. He said it was because I wasn't "her". Basically it felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach. Things got so awkward after that, that I cut my trip short and left.

The second time I went to Denver for a week.

This time it was fairy-tale perfect. We couldn't keep our hands off each other, we kissed (just kissed), I told him I loved him, and we spent every moment together. We were happy. And when he dropped me off at the airport, we kissed some twenty times goodbye.

In restrospect, I realize that he put up a show to make me happy. I told him about it these past days, and he said that if he "didn't care" about me, he wouldn't have played the "happy movie" as I called it. But he did make me happy, I give him that. And I loved that happy movie .

The third time he came to LA on a business trip for a week.

This time I did all the driving back and forth to where he was at (some 40 minutes away in a hotel with two other friends in the same room). He absolutely had no time for me since he was busy the whole time. If not busy he was tired. He came to my apt only once for one hour, and then he had to go, so I drove him back.

Things went downhill after that and we stopped talking shortly after,

Ariadne

Hi you guys,

Ok, I'm starting to reconsider the value of NC...

Repressing feelings usually has an ill effect on me. It drives me crazy and I have to deal with those feelings at some point or another. So I figured I'd just go with my heart about it, and in this case it was to talk to him.

Well, I had heard the things he told me before, such as:

I'm not looking for a romantic relationship, I'm not looking for a partner, I'm not looking for any of that. If you want those things, you'll have to look to people other than me for them... You know I'm done with that sort of stuff.

Usually those kind of statements were followed by some comments of the sort:

Every time I showed interest in someone, no matter how convincingly interested they were in me prior to that, it had the effect of them being not interested in me anymore... I was that kind of a hideous person as they said I was, I promised myself not to burden anyone by my presence anymore... I have a self loathing of myself and my own body and somebody would have to be very patient with me.

Since those things had nothing to do with me, I figured I could deal with them and even "help" him with love and patience....

Well, just now it turned out that: > Do you love me? No... I see you as a friend. I care about you as a friend.

This was the first time he actually said that.

So, ever since I talked to him I haven't left my bedroom, the house is a mess, I've gotten drunk, ate pounds of chocolate, and I can't sleep at night.

I'm worse than before even!

Now I have to deal with the concept that the happy times that we spent together were "a happy movie".

I mean... What kind of a weird concept is that!? A "movie"?

Ok, was it "all" a movie? Was there anything real in that movie? Was it a just a pity movie? Was he a fake the whole time just to "make me happy"?

Ok, too bizarre. Maybe it's better not to know.

Ariadne

Ok,

So I made myself some sort of mantras.

I guess that as long as I repeat those and believe them I won't be messed up.

These ones:

I "forced" him to talk to me for the whole year and he didn't want to, but he was nice enough and put up with me.

I "forced" him to see me when I went you his house and he didn't want to, but he was nice enough and put up with me.

I just wish I didn't have to force anyone though

Ariadne

Hi,

And I actually emailed him this morning asking him about the silly movie .

He replied, which is surprising. Usually guys would have ditched me a long time ago, since I'm the biggest pest when I'm in love with someone.

He said:

I'm happy to have you write to me, but do you want me to respond to you or not? I don't have to if you'd rather I not.

But I also know you have moods, so if you feel one way one day and a different way the next, that's okay, even if I'm sure I could be better at keeping up.

So that was extremelly nice of him. (I told him I'm addicted and obsessive so nevermind me).

But I always get happy when I get an email from him, even if it is... whatever.

Ariadne