Delayed Post-break-up Emotional Responses

I am reposting the following due to the request of someone. Hope it helps anyone who runs across it.

DELAYED POST-BREAK-UP EMOTIONAL RESPONSES

Delayed reactions are blind-sight impacts.

Like the car you didn't see from your rear or side mirror.

They can happen to anyone.

There are three primary reasons this can happen.

1) It normally happens when your own set of break-up circumstances had a some unique criteria which made you actually enjoy the almost forgotten freedoms you became re-acquainted with again, just after the breakup.

2) Sometimes, it happens because of personality characteristics in dealing with important issues, i.e. if you are the type of person who naturally procrastinates, simply takes your time in absorbing things, allows more 'fun' distractions to take over, or stubbornly refuses to deal with issues immediately until you are damn good and ready.

3) Thirdly, you may have been just so NUMB from the emotional trauma that you distanced yourself from the immediate effects of the pain and are just now beginning to thaw and feel some of the heat of the trauma.

It could be because of one or more of those reasons, -or something not even brought up here, but I believe what I've listed is a good place to start looking for the 'right' answer.

Whatever the reason, tho, -the effect is still that it's just now getting to you and you may feel as if you have just broken up TODAY, -not weeks ago.

When your emotions are catching up with an event, it will be 'day one' for you, but you will likely be dealing with a more strange situation due to your partner having already 'been there' and moved on to more advanced stages of his/her own recovery.

You may feel more 'alone' than most people would, -perhaps more profoundly 'abandoned' or 'lost'.

With this delayed reaction response, be aware that you are more susceptible than others who've experienced the more immediate breakup emotions, and are in more danger of becoming trapped in the 'I feel sorry for me' thing, or developing cankerous wounds of bitterness with your set of circumstances.

How to beat it?

You will have to proceed with greater determination towards your recovery by using stricter methods of facing your reality.

All the rules of NC should be enlisted.

ALL the rules.

Here are some of the most important ones for you:

a) Set aside a day for your own personal 'therapy session' and go over every shred of info, both tangible and mental replay, of your relationship.

Put all the tangible memories in a pile in the middle of the floor, sit down in the pile, sort through what you must return, and what you must trash, -and say 'good-bye' to all the pictures, the gifts, the letters, etc.

Forget that it may sound silly, but -cry, if you feel like it.

Hug everything that's huggable in the pile, if you must.

Whatever it takes.

But say 'Good-bye'.

Delete the email, -and addresses, contacts, including blog boards, message boards, internet sites where he/she publicly posts, etc. and block them.

ALL of it.

Remove the phone numbers and his/her saved messages from your cell/home phone. Even his/her circle of contacts you may have also stored.

As you do this you will probably feel a profound emptiness and painful ache, -that's a normal emotional reaction, -you will survive it.

It will create a vacuum in your life (heart) that will need to be filled, -filling that emptiness with something positive will be addressed in step 'd', later on.

All the mental images and memories must be dealt with in a similar way as the material things, except for one ENORMOUS difference: you can't put them in a box, trash them, nor just give them back.

Memories are there to stay.

That's why so much of a successful recovery is focused on changing the way you think, your own self-discovery, and feeding your mind with activity that requires intense concentration; all those things are chosen, -hand-picked- on purpose to captivate your mind and redirect it towards a very precise goal of producing a positive outcome for your well-being.

Point: You are the one who finally counts, now.

You will also need time for reflection and evaluation to see how you're coming along.

Again, make yourself the focus and be brutally honest with where you need to 'bone up' but don't give yourself a beating over anything, -it's not about hurting yourself, -it's all about healing yourself, through honesty and kindness, both of which is something you probably didn't receive from your ex, or you wouldn't be in the shape you're in, -so do it for yourself.

b) Talk OUTLOUD to yourself in private.

Use kind words and say all the things that you like about yourself, i.e. how talented, beautiful, caring, smart, and creative you are.

If you think you aren't any of those things, do it anyway, until you do.

Use your 'rainy day' fund to lavish yourself in a few luxuries.

Make YOURSELF feel loved.

c) Protect yourself.

Stay away from ALL venues (as reasonably as possible), where you know your, -now, ex-partner- will be and avoid the places where your memories together were formed, i.e. the same movie house, the restaurant where you even had your 'own' table, etc.

Do not listen to the same music you listened to with your partner. Now is the time to explore other genres of music. You will be surprised at what you find yourself liking, -and buying.

Stay away from his/her friends, relatives, etc. and begin to build a new social network of friends, totally apart from the ones you shared.

NOTE: Keep the truest, most supportive ones close to you.

d) Now, after doing all the above, you can begin to plan another important part of your recovery, -the physical part.

It is necessary. It keeps you from wallowing in bed until 12 o'clock each day.

In some cases, it may save your a*s from being hauled off to a mental institution.

At any rate, you're going to look -and feel- a helluva lot better if you work-out and stay busy.

Formulate a ROUTINE with a physical activity you will do EVERYDAY as well as a few activities that you will do with others (social activities).

Find activities that 'get' you something and one that you do for someone else that 'gives' something.

Routine PHYSICAL activity suggestions: join a gym, take a dance class, become a mountain hiker or biker, or just take a very long walk or jog everyday.

Routine OTHER (social) activity, -the 'GETTING': join a wine club, car or bike club, anything-but-dating club.

And the 'GIVING': volunteer stuff like, become a hospital volunteer, teach a class, work in the library, or see what it's like in someone else's world and volunteer to feed people in a soup kitchen.

What you are doing with each of these activities is filling the void, the feeling of the loss of love, and reaching out to both give love, and get love, -which is a natural trait of human beings to want to do.

Love for YOURSELF and LOVE FOR OTHERS.

It's a form of surrogatting, -that works under these circumstances.

Thus, the 'getting', and the 'giving' method of healing.

The more physical stuff is giving your body a much-needed workout to disperse and cleanse the 'bad' chemicals from your body generated by the emotions of the sudden realization of your breakup that may contribute to your feeling 'down'.

Physical activity can generate the 'good' hormones which help in building confidence which is a necessary balm for you right now.

'Necessary' because you must have the confidence that you remain worthy as a human being and lovable, and see that fact through your own eyes to fully recover in a healthy way.

e) Get to know YOURSELF.

Now is the time to really look at YOU.

Do 'research' on what makes you tick.

Find out what you are made of emotionally, morally, what your limits are, the vulnerability of your own personal coping methods, what your true likes/dislikes are, and keep delving into your own psyche until you really have a handle on WHO YOU ARE.

Once you feel like you know something about yourself (the good, the bad, and the ugly), and are committed to a reasonable plan to 'fix' the problems you've just discovered, you will owe yourself an opportunity to begin trying it out.

Beginning a PRO-ACTIVE implementation program naturally calls for taking that info to the next level: putting it to work in your life.

If you have read this far in this post and are still with me, I congratulate you!

You have more grit than the average bear already, and what that says about you is that you are probably serious about getting through this breakup business and looking to move ahead.

Your very first 'test' will be when (not 'if'), you meet your ex face-to-face, either by accident or in a 'have-to' situation.

You need to postpone any meeting with your ex until you have done all the above, if you can, -but 'accidental' meetings DO happen, and your self-preservation and composure skills will eventually be tested.

Learn to breathe correctly.

Slow, easy breaths.

If it's an accidental encounter, and you can't skirt the face-to-face thing, make it as short as possible, say little, leave.

I totally agree with another poster here on LS, called NoFoolin'...and I will end my post with his thread link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954

Do take time to read it.

The link will take up where I left off and give you the inside of a real case scenario and some of the most valuable advice from a man who obviously went through some of the worst hell and recovery issues that tell a story worth knowing and learning from.

I hope all this has helped you.

Keep posting and sharing.

Take care.

And here's a hug:

(Smile)

-Rio

you've helped me before...i really am doin pretty well these days...now i need your advice..im movin back into the city and there is a great deal on an apt(VERY rare) but of course at of all of the places it's on the same block or next block over from my ex.....i really do want it, I just dont want this to interfere w/ me movin on...then again, i dont want him to stop me from getting on w/ my life

Dear pfeif216,

It would depend on how far along you are in your recovery, and how strong you have become.

Only you know the answer to that.

Search yourself and know for sure what you are now capable of.

-Rio

....try to think of somebody else when you are "making yourself happy," if ya know what I mean....

Geoffery,

RE: " No disrespect ....try to think of somebody else when you are "making yourself happy," if ya know what I mean...."

Of course, -and I understand where you're coming from, Geoffery, -but if you search this board, you will see that few people are able to spread around any happiness, until they, themselves, are happy.

-(Smile)

-Rio