Basis For Stringent No Contact

I originally posted this in another thread but believe it may be helpful to others having questions regarding the sometimes, confusing issue of No Contact.

THE BASIS FOR STRINGENT NO CONTACT

PREP:

While many of us have experienced the pain of breaking up, most do not experience severe, life-debilitating emotional trauma resulting from it.

The majority of our experience with break-ups happen during our teen-age or young adulthood years; the rest occur mostly, somewhere between age thirty and before age fifty, usually the result of divorce, although, with our present lifestyle choices, social and interpersonal relationships, that is quickly changing, and the entire statement could be obsolete by the time I'm finished with this sentence.

So we are by no means strangers to the pain of break-up.

During our teen-age years, we begin to learn how to deal with the first pangs of jealousy and how to cope with the ache of lost love.

Those first break-ups felt traumatic and quite painful, which was due, in a large part, to the 'newness' of our emotions to the experience.

Most of us can barely remember the pain of those first break-ups now.

But we do remember alot about how we reacted.

By young-adulthood, our background schemata had developed through experiences thus far, which enabled us the ability to value our romantic relationships with more emphasis, and when we broke up, we let go less easily and felt deeply saddened for a time over the loss.

We may have even agonized, some.

But eventually, if we were in an over-all healthy state of well-being, both physically and mentally to begin with, we automatically entered into a process of emotional recuperation, which took us through stages in which we were often confronted with emotions, thoughts, realizations, and conclusions we may not have even known we were capable of.

Not much has changed with breakups, -only you may have changed in how you deal with them.

At whatever crossroads we are standing, at whatever age we have reached, the pain of break-up does not simply bypass us, nor necessarily 'go light' on us just because we've 'been there' before.

The stages are the same; the process is the same, -and inevitable.

And everyone will have their own set of individual circumstances and background schemata which will determine the degree of impact of the break-up and how well they will deal with the stages.

Fast-forward past the detail of 'normal' stages.

If you become 'stuck' in one of the stages of emotion, and remain there for a prolonged period that obviously is affecting your ability to heal and move on, it's best to seek help.

If friends are not available or ineffective in nudging you on, seek out the help of a professional therapist.

It could be more than the 'fixable' emotional trauma of the breakup, it could be that you need medication to help you.

Depression is common during break-ups, but when the feelings and dark, sad thoughts persist for months, it may be time to get help.

Now, -this is where the NO CONTACT issue comes in:

Number One: Strict NC should be self-imposed when you KNOW the relationship is over.

Number Two: A good reason for implementing NC is when you know the relationship cannot be repaired and realize that seeking contact will only hinder your recovery.

Number Three: Should you adopt the plan of No Contact, you should be fully committed to the idea and guard your position fiercely.

In other words: keep your promise to yourself.

A good point to remember: No Contact is a form of PROTECTION.

It is protection, self-preservation, and a necessary (chosen) method for both those who truly see no healthy basis for the relationship to continue, as well as for those who react with acute negativity in regards to emotional trauma of a break-up.

Strict NC is a vital healing tool intended for use in relationships that have permanently ended, or SHOULD end.

With the emphasis here, being on the characteristically painful and difficult business of break-up and recovery, I should not have to add that NC, if it is chosen, should not be looked upon as a game-piece to be abused by the immature or insincere.

Hope this helps someone.

Take care.

-Rio

IMPORTANT P.S.

I'm posting (again) the following link by a member here, on LS, called 'NoFoolin' who happens to know a 'little something' (Grin) about the hell of Breaking Up and the benefits of No Contact.

It's a 'must read'.

Here's the link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954

This IS a 'thread', -so questions and comments are welcome.

(Smile)

-Rio

Rio --

Looks like I'm getting to this thread quite late, but I'd like to talk about NC when you just are not having any success in convincing your *heart* that the relationship would not have worked, and when the only reason your *mind* is convinced it won't work is because your ex didn't feel the same way about you.

To me, this is the roughest situation to be in. NC in this scenario is standing up for yourself and saying "well, if I'm not good enough for you, then you aren't good enough for me!" Yet -- the agony of all the "why's" ensues... "why can't (s)he see things my way?", "why doesn't (s)he see that this is as good as it gets?", why, why, why....?

And when you think (s)he is the best you can hope for, it is hard to convince your heart that there are other fish in the sea....

I'm drifting in my thoughts, but strict NC when *you* aren't convinced that your relationship wouldn't work is very tough...

NMS,

I know.

And yet, your mind will eventually fight for -and win- it's right to rationalize the decisions made by your heart and judge the true quality of your life.

(That's it's job.)

It's decision will be for your future well-being, -not necessarily what you believe will make you happiest.

Depending upon how deeply you remain mired in that belief, it may have to judge rather harshly, shaking up your world, calling you to the carpet, and making you face specific key truths about your relationship, -whether it was, or can be again, a positive influence in your life, -or whether you are only glorifying the past as well as attempting to give CPR to something that had never breathed life in the first place, at least, in regards to your partner's feeling towards you in a 'now' sense.

Your mind and heart will each argue their strongest points, but you can be quite sure that, if you have a healthy mind to begin with, it's going to lead you to this stark, pointed question:

"How happy are you right now, -at this very moment?"

If you have to answer in the negative, your heart will be alarmed and automatically, desperately, offer up the mangled love from the relationship which will only fall short of giving you the happiness you deserve.

Your mind will have made the right decision, tho, -the answer it gave you when you had to answer in the negative will temper all your future beliefs and thoughts about the relationship and will begin to slowly change how you view all the details, past and present.

And that clears the way for for a better future.

In other words, -all the rubbish gets labeled for what it truly is, is solemnly hauled away, and the valuable experience is stored only for reference in dealing with any similar future problems, -either yours, or someone elses.

That's one picture of how the recovery process of a broken heart works.

It is a very important and time-consuming, bitter debate between your heart and your mind, specifically with your well-being as the focus.

And nearly everyone goes through a similar process.

They survive it, and live again to love again.

To live and love with quality is the purpose for our existance.

I hope this has helped you in understanding your own agonizing battle to recovery.

I am leaving some links below that take you through some of the emotional debate that I, personally, have experienced throughout my own realization.

The content of the links have to do with the anger produced from my realization of what the relationship really was based on, as well as other irrational random thoughts and excruciating emotions.

Those feelings will seem silly someday, and fade into insignificance, but during the debate between your heart and mind, they are raw and intense, and very significant.

These links may be worth the read, just so you know you are not alone, and that someone has been there before.

Hugs to you, -and take care.

It will get better, -promise.

(Smile)

Yours,

-Rio

Here they are:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=680306&postcount=43

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=680273&postcount=81

Right on Rio -- your thoughts and other posts almost address my situation perfectly.

My ex, in the aftermath of her divorce, has turned into commitment-phobic seductress, who now appears not to have remorse over casting me aside in her wake. She has the gorgeous looks, the magnetic and fun personality, and the brains to be the object of any man's desire -- and I was no exception.

For two years our chemistry and bond rocked my heart's world to the point that the logic my mind was espousing went unacknowledged.

And there were *lots* of observations that my mind made that were not good! Like her inability to commit. Like her not integrating me fully into her family life and circle of friends. Like our periodic break-ups so she could play the field a little more. Like her unwillingness to consider a long-term companionship with a man who wasn't filthy rich like her ex-husband and many of her friends.

My heart would latch on to the things that were good, and then proceed to absolutely ignore everything else that was going on.

And now? My mind is finally presenting my heart with the stark reality that I NEVER HAD THE RELATIONSHIP MY HEART THOUGHT I DID. And what's worse is that I now realize that this relationship has pointed out a significant self-esteem problem that I never knew I had before. After all, any man with a backbone wouldn't have allowed himself to be walked all over for 2 years, right?

I know I will live to love again, but right now -- I wish I didn't have a heart at all -- it has been the source of waaaay too much pain.

Finally -- thank you very much Rio -- for being here. It helps dramatically.

And you're welcome, NMW...there is value in the experience of the pain of love...one of it's unique characteristics is that it becomes 'love' again, when you use it as a balm for someone else.

That's love's redemption, it's apology, it's rebirth.

"It's never love until you give it away."

(Smile)

-Rio