Staying married to a cheater

There are at least two of us. I got past my W's A's in a very short time. I don't believe in hanging on to things. Deal with it, get past it, move on.

 

It's not really a new concept... the saying "Don't cry over spilled milk" has been around for a very long time. Many people simply prolong their own pain and suffering by holding on to things for far too long, to no benefit.

Perhaps they do.

But again...from my experience and from that of apparently many others here...you and CIK's H seem to be in a very small minority. Very, very few people SUCCESSFULLY recover that fast from infidelity on their partner's part.

I think that many THINK they do...they "get past it" without dealing with it, without addressing it. They stuff it down and bury it instead...and claim that they got over it quickly.

I'm not saying that you or CIK's H are doing this...but I suspect that this is a possibility.

Or you have indeed "worked through it" rapidly...but once again...that would be so far removed from the vast majority of how other people work through this. Most people take TIME to work through, to cope with and address how this affects them.

And I've got to add...given that you went on to commit the same offense yourself, this raises the question as to how successfully you DID cope with her infidelity. It suggests that you never "got close" to her again, and that left the door open to let yourself have your own affair. Or, there was a greater emotional distance between the two of you from the very beginning...leaving infidelity as an option on both sides. Perhaps you were less devestated simply because you were less emotionally invested in her when she cheated...or you never emotionally invested in her again after her cheating on you?

Guess my clarification failed. Something I need to work on, apparently.

If a reconciliation fails, do not insult the betrayed by saying it is because they exhibit selfishness and pride.

It is because the damage has caused too much pain, and the WS has given something for the BS to vision in their heads.

Two people are responsible for the state of the marriage, the cheater is responsible for their selfish decision. Do not lay the blame of a failed reconciliation at the feet of the BS and insult them by thinking its pride and selfishness if they are having a difficult time coping with what the WS did to them.

I thought she meant the WS's pride and selfishness in even asking this of the BS!

I thought she meant the WS's pride and selfishness in even asking this of the BS!

Geez, yes, I'm losing it in the last few days. Read it wrong. Read it as it was that the BS should have just gotten over it.

Sorry Steadfast. You are correct, the "get over it" mentality will definitely kill any recon.

I mean - He was the "BS" - I was the WS. I didn't tell him he needed to get over it. He already had. (quickly)

He was the one that kept reminding me since I had a harder time with everything than he did.

After it was all said & done he just said - The past is in the past. No need to dwell on it. Let's just move on. - Which we've done.

This seems terribly unhealthy.

The need to know what caused such a negative act that affects the M and trust seems necessary. Necessary to understand what happened in the M - and how change can occur to be sure THAT will never occur again.

It takes uncovering a ton of denial, delusions and fears.

It takes dealing with them and invoking truth and change - as well as honest and open communication.

To just say"that's past - lets move forward" is NOT healing - its just more denial. There's no truth in denying the reality that someone severely harmed another and it's not discussed at great length why - and what actions will be taken not to go down that road again.

Trust is earned. By ignoring that someone broke my trust - and not talking about it all - and how things WILL change - that isn't healing - id call it ignoring the obvious!!!

Another affair is usually likely in the cases of denial and no trust being earned after such a severe violation of a vow (agreement to honor).

This seems terribly unhealthy.

I agree. Reading her story, with the description she gives of her husband's behavior after D-day, I get this picture of a guy that simply shrugged his shoulders and simply didn't give a crap. Way too laissez-faire about it it seemed.

You have to wonder about someone who found out their wife was riding another man's baloney, and just shrugged it off as if it wasn't any big deal.

I agree. Reading her story, with the description she gives of her husband's behavior after D-day, I get this picture of a guy that simply shrugged his shoulders and simply didn't give a crap. Way too laissez-faire about it it seemed.

 

You have to wonder about someone who found out their wife was riding another man's baloney, and just shrugged it off as if it wasn't any big deal.

A man (wussy) that doesn't mind being treated like crap - so he just stays for more...

A man who doesn't believe he deserves decency/to be treated better than the crap she served up to him.

This seems terribly unhealthy.

 

The need to know what caused such a negative act that affects the M and trust seems necessary. Necessary to understand what happened in the M - and how change can occur to be sure THAT will never occur again.

 

It takes uncovering a ton of denial, delusions and fears.

 

It takes dealing with them and invoking truth and change - as well as honest and open communication.

 

To just say"that's past - lets move forward" is NOT healing - its just more denial. There's no truth in denying the reality that someone severely harmed another and it's not discussed at great length why - and what actions will be taken not to go down that road again.

 

Trust is earned. By ignoring that someone broke my trust - and not talking about it all - and how things WILL change - that isn't healing - id call it ignoring the obvious!!!

 

Another affair is usually likely in the cases of denial and no trust being earned after such a severe violation of a vow (agreement to honor).

Woah - Pump the breaks.

It may seem unhealthy to you - but he knew what broke when things were broken.

Holy crap - are you kidding me with the wussy comment.

He is far from a "WUSSY":rolleyes:

He was raised to be a forgiving person. (again, part of the back story & what his personality is like that no one here knows...) Also, since he contributed to the breakage of the marriage at that time......he couldn't hardly question my motives. No, he didn't have an affair - but as I've mentioned multiple times here & in this response as well - there's much more to this story than many would like to assume.

I just love it when people here ASS-U-ME....

MANY BS'S here think this is UNCONVENTIONAL -Fine. Walk a mile in my - or his for that matter, shoes.......then you can name call & throw stones.

Not every marriage, not every affair, not every relationship is like the one before. Just sayin':laugh:

Woah - Pump the breaks.

 

It may seem unhealthy to you - but he knew what broke when things were broken.

 

Holy crap - are you kidding me with the wussy comment.

He is far from a "WUSSY":rolleyes:

 

He was raised to be a forgiving person. (again, part of the back story & what his personality is like that no one here knows...) Also, since he contributed to the breakage of the marriage at that time......he couldn't hardly question my motives. No, he didn't have an affair - but as I've mentioned multiple times here & in this response as well - there's much more to this story than many would like to assume.

I just love it when people here ASS-U-ME....

 

MANY BS'S here think this is UNCONVENTIONAL -Fine. Walk a mile in my - or his for that matter, shoes.......then you can name call & throw stones.

 

Not every marriage, not every affair, not every relationship is like the one before. Just sayin':laugh:

Like it or not- just putting the head in the sand and "forgiving" doesn't address what made the cheating happen.

Also doesn't repair the R - especially if trust has been broken.

This seems terribly unhealthy.

 

The need to know what caused such a negative act that affects the M and trust seems necessary. Necessary to understand what happened in the M - and how change can occur to be sure THAT will never occur again.

 

It takes uncovering a ton of denial, delusions and fears.

 

It takes dealing with them and invoking truth and change - as well as honest and open communication.

 

To just say"that's past - lets move forward" is NOT healing - its just more denial. There's no truth in denying the reality that someone severely harmed another and it's not discussed at great length why - and what actions will be taken not to go down that road again.

 

Trust is earned. By ignoring that someone broke my trust - and not talking about it all - and how things WILL change - that isn't healing - id call it ignoring the obvious!!!

 

Another affair is usually likely in the cases of denial and no trust being earned after such a severe violation of a vow (agreement to honor).

2sonny: I agree completely with what you are saying, however CIK has never wavered from her story regarding her husbands ability to forgive and forget. In fact, she trumpets how wonderful her husband's attitude regarding her cheating is in many threads.

For me, I've finally taken her at her word because there's no room for discussion with her. Everything I've learned (and experienced) about the emotional horror the BS experiences on and after d-day tells me that her case, if true, is so rare that it doesn't serve any purpose repeating it on this forum. Most people who come here are struggling with their recovery and are looking for advice and counsel from others who have been in their shoes. Don't get me wrong, I think relating experiences of reconciliation is important as it gives hope to BS's who need to know that it IS possible. They also need to hear of the many months or years of hard work and the emotional roller coaster they will be riding over that time. This is the truth that most of us experience and we try to relate to these to newly shattered souls.

I also think the experiences of former WS's can provide valuable insight for a BS to consider along their journey. The vast majority of the time when a BS quickly forgives and forgets it is a giant red flag that all they really have done is bury their feelings of anger and disgust. These buried emotions are a time bomb that will go off sometime in the future. Also, these BS's won't come to a forum like this until that time bomb goes off, but their WS may show up here and trumpet how their marriage survived the affair and is now much better than it was. We've seen a lot of this on here and many times that same WS comes back and relates how their BS has not really gotten over it as well as they thought they did. They ask questions like "why is my spouse digging up the past now?" and the like. Then they disappear and are not heard from again. We can fill in the blanks because we've seen it so many times.

But CIK's husband is one of those rare and remarkable people who is able to quickly forgive and forget. He hasn't buried his emotions, he's not a ticking time bomb. Just ask her.

Being raised to forgive - got me to a place of betraying myself.

I learned that it wasn't right to accept unacceptable behavior - after many years of thinking that I forgave... I learned that it actually was more of betraying myself to accept it as "normal."

CIK's situation sounds like it has some similarity to an open M but without the openness and honesty. Unless your H made it clear that he would forgive you just that one time, I suppose you could repeat this behavior and expect a similar (not much) reaction, if it is his general trait to forgive quickly and move on. An open M relies on honesty and there isn't a need for forgiveness since it is agreed to in advance, but the end response sounds somewhat similar. People choose an open M because monogamy is not important to them, although honesty/loyalty may be extremely important to them. Perhaps neither monogamy nor honesty is as important to your H as it is to many others.

Just because my marriage was repaired in what many think her is unconventional doesn't mean it isn't repaired.

There was more than what I did to it - Yes, all of it has been a daily struggle for about 7 + years. It's just that the infidelity part of it was quickly 'forgiven & forgotten' - because that's just who he is.

This is why I post here - Unconventional or not - Marriages do survive infidelity. And contrary to popular belief, they're better for going thru the difficulties of it.

They also survive alcholism, drug abuse & a multitude of other things that life throws at us on a daily basis.

Drifter - Yes, there is room for discussion. Yes, I do realize that not every single situation is like mine. Unlike some here, I get both sides of the coin. It can be difficult & it can also not be as difficult as many would make it.

& Yes, he is rare & remarkable.

Just because my marriage was repaired in what many think her is unconventional doesn't mean it isn't repaired.

 

There was more than what I did to it - Yes, all of it has been a daily struggle for about 7 + years. It's just that the infidelity part of it was quickly 'forgiven & forgotten' - because that's just who he is.

 

This is why I post here - Unconventional or not - Marriages do survive infidelity. And contrary to popular belief, they're better for going thru the difficulties of it.

They also survive alcholism, drug abuse & a multitude of other things that life throws at us on a daily basis.

 

Drifter - Yes, there is room for discussion. Yes, I do realize that not every single situation is like mine. Unlike some here, I get both sides of the coin. It can be difficult & it can also not be as difficult as many would make it.

& Yes, he is rare & remarkable.

Yes, it happens. I forgave in my M at the 10 year mark.

It DOES have an effect on the soul - I can assure you - to take that betrayal and stuff it so far down in order to continue the desire to love the person you thought you loved and married and would spend your life with is a form of betraying self - whether you admit it or not - it's there!

When someone rips your heart out and stomps on what love you thought was there... THAT pain doesn't just go away with simple words like "I forgive you" - unless he may be emotionally stunted!

Denial and ignorance WILL show effects at some juncture - he isn't addressing reality if he doesn't need proof on how to trust - either that or he doesn't care enough to make the effort to delve into his emotional side. It may be the only way he knows... Learned behavior - ignore reality and it means this isn't really happening.

Just because my marriage was repaired in what many think her is unconventional doesn't mean it isn't repaired.

 

There was more than what I did to it - Yes, all of it has been a daily struggle for about 7 + years. It's just that the infidelity part of it was quickly 'forgiven & forgotten' - because that's just who he is.

 

This is why I post here - Unconventional or not - Marriages do survive infidelity. And contrary to popular belief, they're better for going thru the difficulties of it.

They also survive alcholism, drug abuse & a multitude of other things that life throws at us on a daily basis.

 

Drifter - Yes, there is room for discussion. Yes, I do realize that not every single situation is like mine. Unlike some here, I get both sides of the coin. It can be difficult & it can also not be as difficult as many would make it.

& Yes, he is rare & remarkable.

I'd like to ask what EXACTLY did YOU do to repair your M? Be specific please...

We separated for 14 months. (2 years after the affair)

We did 6 months of marriage counseling.

I hate to be repeatative - but there really was more to the issues we were having over a 7 year period of time than the infidelity.

We separated for 14 months. (2 years after the affair)

We did 6 months of marriage counseling.

 

I hate to be repeatative - but there really was more to the issues we were having over a 7 year period of time than the infidelity.

That's nothing specific. Separating and counseling doesn't give me EXACTLY what you did to repair the damage YOU caused.

What was missing to make you consider betraying the person you said you loved?

What did you DO to change your self? Your moral compass? Your level of honesty? Your actions and the way you participate now compared to then? What do you do to regain his trust? Whatsoever you DO to stay intimate and connected so that your H knows you are showing loving behavior? How UNselfish are you willing to BE?

Those are just a few questions that come to my mind first.

IF you are growing the M in a healthy way - these will ALL be very simple questions to answer - as EVIDENCE of change is easy to prove when it's actively invoked.

Those are all very good questions but since this thread isn't about me to answer all of those would be a threadjack.

Actually, it is very pertinent to the topic of this thread. Anyone's H or W who "stayed married to a cheater" could provide some valuable information regarding this issue. Therefore, asking specific questions about what the cheater did to repair their M which led to their spouse "staying with a cheater" is anything but a TJ.

I also have to agree with the posters who have said that a spouse who basically buries their head in the sand and says "Oh well, let's just get over it" hasn't really gotten over it. They've merely buried it. This is actually supported when this type of BS knows their W is still conversing with their former AP and doesn't seem to care.

I thought she meant the WS's pride and selfishness in even asking this of the BS!

First I'm misunderstood, then mistaken for a woman!

I'm beginning to see the benefits of posting here...

Those are all very good questions but since this thread isn't about me to answer all of those would be a threadjack.

You are avoiding giving YOUR evidence. Same as the approach you take in the M.

Yes it is pertinent. Change needs to happen when an unhealthy M tries to move to a healthy one... Yet you state the avoiding and denial have served you well.

THAT is NOT a healed or healthy marriage - that is denial that it's disaster waiting to happen!

Unless I see your evidence - its safe to say you haven't accomplished growing the M to a healthier place... Just stuck in fear.

Ok - to answer the questions as briefly as I can

I made a concious decision when the separation was over (which was my choice - not my husband's) to never go back to the behaviors that lead me to the A in the first place. I also learned not to let my husband's behaviors (after we got back together) get under my skin so deeply that I needed someone to 'help me pick up the pieces' - I'm a much stronger person now than back then.

It's really that simple. There's no deep dark hidden secret or agenda.

Change comes within. I didn't seek out some Ala-Babwa to do a weird-o blessing, no intervention or anything crazy - I just made the decision & have stuck to it.

Donna - just because my XAP still contacts me every 6 months or so, by email, means absolutely nothing. Zilch!! Means nothing to me or my husband. If it DID matter, that's when the problems begin.

I'm just saying that - when someone is OVER a behavior - they're OVER it!

What got to you that place to consider cheating?

From what you said, that is a good place for you to be - but what are you doing regularly to think/do loving things for hubby now? How are you two GROWING trust and intimacy?

Getting an email isn't helpful - why hasn't he been blocked - or been told to NEVER make contact again? That would restore some peace of mind for your hubby! He deserves that - if you are working on the M and shutting out the OM completely! Why hasn't THAT happened yet?

This is in addition to my first "Answering Questions" Post - & my husband made the changes that were necessary for us to stay together.

Unlike other BS's he knew & still knows where his role was in the 7 year break down in communication. Just like I know where my role was.

Sunny I think you're expecting me to say something that is giong to just jump off the page & you'll have an A-HA MOMENT.........it's just not going to happen.

We're not DRAMATIC people. We don't ponder 24/7 about what happened. It's been 3 years since I last saw the X- during the separation - It's been 4+ years since the affair. We've both made strides to make sure that we treat each other differently than we did back then.....Is it possible for people to just get to a place where things are better without constant talk about the past?

I've gone over & over the whole blocked & NEVER contact me issue so many times here it gives me a headache.

SO, one more time. IF someone wants to reach you they will. Because of my line of work my email is posted on a website. That can't be changed. HE (the X) knows where I work, my favorite restaurants, etc. You can block people until the cows come home. If they're hell bent on finding you - they will. I've done the ignore (which is the same as blocking - he knows no different)

BTW- Our last email conversation was in November. He asked to meet me & I made it very clear that the answer would always be NO. He hasn't contacted me since. I'm thinkin' he might have gotten the message. Unless he's a moron. I'll letcha know if he contacts me again though.........for Drama Sake!!

It isn't about drama at all. Well, at least not on our part.

It wasn't all that long ago that you began a thread about why can't people be friends with their ex AP. That makes it seem like there is a preference to not want to block the e-mail.