Not angry, but I can't stop thinking about him

Okay summary of the relationship:

-Sept 2009: We start dating and it was good.

-Oct 2009: He doesn't want to date anymore b/c I'm a graduate student and my life to him is transient.

-Dec 2009: We start seeing each other again, a "friends with benefits" situation that spends Valentine's Day together.

-April 2010: His mom who he doesn't have a good relationship with was hospitalized and he did the fade away. He finally did call me, giving me the spiel, "I can see you as someone's wife, just not mine." I wished him well. I knew full well that a fwb relationship had a shelf-life. I was devastated, but I was okay.

-late May 2010: He starts to call and im me again as friends. Eventually he invites me over and we begin the fwb again. It's actually great and he opens up more and our communication is amazing. He invites me to leave stuff at his place.

-Oct 2010: He springs the "if you don't want to be in a long term relationship with me, I will find someone who does" and I am surprised b/c I didn't want to ruin what we had with labels. We become official.

-Nov 2010-July 2011: Great. We had our arguments, but we communicated and we were stronger for it. We went on a 3-day Bahamas cruise, weathered 2 deaths in my family, celebrated his birthday, etc.

-late July 2011: He had a big project conference. I couldn't go to the conference b/c of work. This was the beginning of the end. He was surrounded by people in his field who "got him" and all of a sudden, he didn't think that we had enough in common and he was hurt that I didn't make his conference and just know how important it was to him (he never told me)

-August 2011: He wants to go on a break b/c he can't seem to get over his hurt and says he needs to miss me. After 2 weeks, he drops off my stuff and I have to demand a face to face talk from him. We break up 2 days ago.

He said he was indifferent and okay with us breaking up. I told him that he didn't deserve me, my thoughtfulness, my understanding, my patience. It was civil and in the end, I knew this was best for us. But I miss him and it bothers me that a female friend he made during the conference has been hanging out with him. She also just recently broke off her 3 year relationship. In the end, he had issues (he can't forgive and he has unrealistic expectations of his loved ones) and our relationship couldn't handle it. I know this would've happened soon or later even if we both did everything right, but I still miss him and what we could have had. First guy I imagined marrying someday. I do wish for him to be happy, but right now I wish it was with me.

I've been keeping busy and in my head I know I will be happy again and that I deserve someone better. It's just hard right now. I had margaritas last night with friends and ended up emailing him. He didn't reply. Thank goodness. How do I stop missing him? I mean, you plan your life around someone and now they're gone. I just need to vent.

Well you should reflect first.

This guy was push pull the entire time, he would push you away then pull you back in. Its extremely manipulative and its going to hurt for a while. Trust me, you will get angry once you actually "SEE IT" and how manipulative he actually was.

One of the classic patterns I am starting to notice is people that do not have good relationships with their mom's are emotionally distant. You said something that struck a chord with me " he had issues (he can't forgive and he has unrealistic expectations of his loved ones) and our relationship couldn't handle it".

After a first breakup with someone thats emotionally immature and manipulative like your ex, they have 100% of the power in rebounding and directing the relationship to wherever they want it to go. So when you said our relationship couldn't handle it, you are right. After a first break up, it becomes TOXIC because you always feel like you were walking on eggshells to not do anything to make it happen again.

As for not thinking about your ex anymore, that takes time. Whenever a breakup happens, you have to go NC. Its necessary so you do not get strung along like this. Everytime he broke up with you before or called a break it was because he was trying someone new out. When that didn't work out he kept coming back to you because you were available.

So GO NC dont answer anything from him anymore

It seems to me that he has issues and is not really interested in being in a committed relationship in the first place. Everyone has their own problems, don't go into something that is BROKEN! Let him try to repair himself and heal whatever is going on within him and then if the timing and all the stars align, maybe it could work out.

But from what I see, it doesn't look too good.

Agree with Wilson AGAIN (such good advice dear Wilson), go NC.

You know what? I think you are angry, you just don't think it's nice or proper to be angry. But decent, good people do get angry, especially when people mess about with their hearts. So don't be afraid to be angry, to accept he has hurt you a lot, then delete his phone number, change your phone number, block him on Facebook and delete his contact details.

Life's too short to be wasting it being hurt time and again by the same person.

Hi GgirlBgirl,

I am so sorry you are going through such pain. I want you to know you are not alone. I have a similar situation with my ex who I was with for 16 years. When you said "he can't forgive" and "has unrealistic expectations of his loved ones" you could have been describing my ex. He also has an extremely emotionally abusive mother who is emotionally distant.

It's hard for those who love such people, but the truth is, I am beginning to see it as a blessing that he ended the relationship. No Contact really is the best thing for this type of person. I feel like I am no longer walking on eggshells. I feel like I am in more control of my life. It takes time, and it takes work to look at it in a positive way, but you will because you are a good, caring person. Don't ever let him tell you or make you think anything different.

May you soon be free of this pain. Saying a prayer for you tonight.

All of your responses I've taken to heart and do know in my head. It's difficult when your emotions won't take the hint and then it messes with your body. My appetite is non-existent. I have to drink meal drinks in order to get the nutrients I need. I can't sleep without thinking about him and our relationship and I try to remember all the bad times and the times I was hurt by his actions/words when I start to look at it through rose colored glasses. Last night, I was able to go to bed with no sleeplessness and I think it's thanks to the community and reading all of your insight and thoughts.

Today started out good until I got a wedding invitation from a friend that had hung out with us multiple times as a couple. I had told her beforehand so fortunately, there was no mention of his name on the front of the invitation. It still hurts though and I'm really close to breaking down in tears b/c he and I had talked about this wedding. Fortunately she is my friend and not really his so he is not invited, not that he would come anyway. I know someone will smile at me with love in his eyes again and he will be worthy of being with me, but it's hard to wrap my mind around it know b/c I picture the ex smiling at me.

I think the reason the anger isn't forthcoming is that this relationship really taught me my large capacity to love, understand, be patient, and forgive. This probably worked to his advantage, now that I think about it. He doesn't deserve it. I'm going to exhaust myself with Bikram yoga tonight so I can focus on my physical well-being, instead of all the swirling emotions. I hope to get to a place where I don't have to drink meal replacement drinks.

Find your edge...

Namaste!

GgirlBgirl...I just registered on this group for no other reason than to respond to your thread.

Here goes...I was dating a woman for not more than 6 weeks beginning at the end of May, 2011. It was one of those relationships that went real deep, real fast. We were both very much in love with each other after only 6 weeks. There were however, a couple of what I'd considered, fairly large long-term issues, that at that point in my life, didn't believe I could reconcile. So by the first week in July, I'd broken it off. Actually, my intellect broke it off, while my heart stayed behind (more on that below). This poor woman poured her heart out to me in her e-mails attempting to try and find middle ground on the issues...but I maintained a resolute position. My thinking was that the issues couldn't be easily rectified and the longer I stayed in the relationship, the more difficult it would be to exit it and the longer it would be to get over the emotional pain. Within a week of the breakup, I'd called her and told her I had to cease communications with her because it hurt too much. It wasn't enough that I loved her, but the additional guilt from her emotional e-mails was ripping me apart inside.

Well, here it is August 26th -- her birthday today to top it off -- and I still think about her incessantly. My heart (and eyes) weep. And because of no contact, she has no idea I might still be grieving. My mind and my heart are 180 degrees out and I cannot find middle ground. Gawd it hurts!

I have a birthday card for her sitting on my kitchen table just waiting to be mailed, but it's never going to see the light of day. Why? Because it would be selfish of me to send mixed signals to her, when my subconscious intent (to hear from her?) is to make me feel better. Oh, make no mistake, I think she'd appreciate the card, but she may also get the impression that I'd want to get back together. I've reconciled it with myself that I'm just going to have to be miserable, unless I can tell her unequivocally, that I want to be "in" again as a permanent initiative. Funny thing is, I believe she still loves me, thinks about me, and would love to be back together with me. And because I love and think about her, it's the very reason I won't attempt to rekindle the flames. I don't want to hurt her any more. It kinda sucks that the heart has no IQ...

The moral? I don't know if there is one, but you're certainly not alone.

I woke up again this morning with a pit in my stomach like every morning since early august, but I got out of bed and took a tums and went about my day.

Common-sense, I thank you for your perspective and for you sticking to your nc in the interest of the woman's well-being. As you and I can see, my ex didn't do that.

I'm starting to get angry because I think that he must being going through this better than me. Something I didn't mention was that my ex has ADD unmedicated so he had the ability to forget and not focus on the negative stuff. This contributes to his inability to forgive or let things go because he never had to due to his ability to forget whatever made him mad. When we started up the second time, I made an effort to understand what it means to be in a relationship with someone with ADD.

WilsonX, you are right the more I think about it. I am beginning to remember the times he hurt me unnecessarily and I forgave him because he seemed sincere about doing better or right by me and our relationship. Also, relationships are hard work once you are over the honeymoon period. GIGS and the like, jumping from one honeymoon period to another, that's no way to live life and how can you build a solid foundation with that. I want more than that for myself Even if you have everything in common and care about each other, both people need to work at it. It's not just going to work itself out.

I hope my ex keeps my well-being in mind if he ever thinks about contacting me and I hope I have the strength to maintain NC. It's been 2 days of NC.

I was packing to move this week and I came across a St. Patrick's Day t-shirt that was his. It made me sad and I thought about how I was going to return it to him. I won't break NC. Maybe I'll ask a friend to return it to him and have them arrange a time for them to drop it off at his place or I'll mail it. If he moved, then oh, well. I don't know it hurts that he won't be there to help me when I move. He won't be there trying to take charge of how we should most efficiently transport the boxes and stuff to my new apartment. Again, I miss him and I miss the idea of having a boyfriend of helping me with all the heavy stuff. I've been 1/2 of a couple for almost 2 years and it's still hard sometimes to think about operating with only me.