How To Tell If They Care

I've been dating this girl for several months now. We're both in our mid 20's. Things at first seemed pretty rough: I was several months out of a very bad break up and recovering from that when we started dating. She was patient and waited for me to get over it. When I did, we had a great time: lots of lazy Sundays lying in bed watching trashy television, lots of nights out at the movies, and nightclubs. I even got her a job at the nightclub where I work.

Now things are...weird...

She's been distant for a while. Often choosing to go out nights with her friends than spend a night with me.

One night my friend called me up from a club he was in, to tell me he spotted her kissing another guy

She admitted it, and said it was a drunken mistake, so I forgave her.

Now, she rarely stays at my place, she seems a little disinterested in any romance. She'll talk to me amiably enough and laugh and joke, but she doesn't really hug me or kiss me or anything. And we haven't had sex in about two months, which I'm really worried about.

Anyways, I tried to break it off with her, and she said she loved me more than anything and she can see a future with me, so I agreed to give it another go, but nothing's changed!

I really need some help here, what the hell do I do? :(

Bump

C'mon guys, I really need some advice here. Does it sound like she's losing interest? Does she still care? How do I find out for sure?

Man thats a tuff one, it almost seems like shes wants to keep you on the back burner, but still do her thang with her friends. I be very leary right now because from what you explained shes playin you. I mean that early on to stop having sex is not a good sign. I could see if you guys were together for years for the sex to be less frequent but not soo early on into the relationship. I would ask her point blank whats going on? and if she wants to continue this? Because honestly its only gunna be a matter of time before shes hookin up with somebody else. If she gives you the runaround then get rid of her.

Man thats a tuff one, it almost seems like shes wants to keep you on the back burner, but still do her thang with her friends. I be very leary right now because from what you explained shes playin you. I mean that early on to stop having sex is not a good sign. I could see if you guys were together for years for the sex to be less frequent but not soo early on into the relationship. I would ask her point blank whats going on? and if she wants to continue this? Because honestly its only gunna be a matter of time before shes hookin up with somebody else. If she gives you the runaround then get rid of her.

I had thought they she might be playing me, but at first it was totally different :/ She claims she's not feeling very sexy right now coz she's been eating more since she started dating me (due to our routine lazy Sundays pigging out in front of the tv) and it's making her feel fat (she's really not, and I've told her this a million times), but that doesn't explain her complete lack of interest.

The whole kissing the other guy thing made me wary. I don't know how I could trust her, but she tried hard to convince me it was a one off thing, and she seemed sorry.

It still really doesn't add up man, because it almost sounds like shes depressed or something either due to the relationship or something else. Eitherway there is a major problem here and shes not being straight with you. I tell her either tell me whats really bothering you and why we have not been romantic together in 2 months? I mean being sexual is a huge part of any relationship especially early on.

she isn't interested in sex with you because she's interested in sex with someone else.

she's cheating on you.

here's what you do: lay down the law.

"you will never go to a bar without me outside of work, ever again, and i mean NEVER. you will not deny sex for months at a time. and if you do not agree to those terms, have a nice life, goodbye. and i know that you have cheated so it will take months to regain my trust at the very least so you had best consider your actions very damn carefully because one more small mistake will be the last".

note that she won't agree to any of this, or if she does her friends will tell her how crazy you've become and how she should leave you, at which point you shift the blame to her whorish friends to confuse her further if at all possible.

you're a man, be rational. it's a simple matter of choosing a course of action in which the possible outcomes benefit you the most.

there are three obviously possible outcomes to my suggestion.

a) she refuses and walks out (your response: didn't need the whore anyway)

b) she goes into tears and begs and pleads for forgiveness (you now have the upper hand, at least for the moment, use it to break her cheating habits or revenge, whichever plays out)

c) she does in fact change her tune, at least for awhile (in which case you get what you want)

you have a 33% chance of failure with my suggestion, and a 66% chance of things turning in your favor.

to be honest, she's a cheater and a liar. you know this. what's left of this relationship is you salvaging some self respect as you either break her entirely or throw her to the curb.

she needs to learn a lesson, give it to her.

she isn't interested in sex with you because she's interested in sex with someone else.

 

she's cheating on you.

 

here's what you do: lay down the law.

 

"you will never go to a bar without me outside of work, ever again, and i mean NEVER. you will not deny sex for months at a time. and if you do not agree to those terms, have a nice life, goodbye. and i know that you have cheated so it will take months to regain my trust at the very least so you had best consider your actions very damn carefully because one more small mistake will be the last".

 

note that she won't agree to any of this, or if she does her friends will tell her how crazy you've become and how she should leave you, at which point you shift the blame to her whorish friends to confuse her further if at all possible.

 

you're a man, be rational. it's a simple matter of choosing a course of action in which the possible outcomes benefit you the most.

 

there are three obviously possible outcomes to my suggestion.

 

a) she refuses and walks out (your response: didn't need the whore anyway)

b) she goes into tears and begs and pleads for forgiveness (you now have the upper hand, at least for the moment, use it to break her cheating habits or revenge, whichever plays out)

c) she does in fact change her tune, at least for awhile (in which case you get what you want)

 

you have a 33% chance of failure with my suggestion, and a 66% chance of things turning in your favor.

 

to be honest, she's a cheater and a liar. you know this. what's left of this relationship is you salvaging some self respect as you either break her entirely or throw her to the curb.

 

she needs to learn a lesson, give it to her.

I mean, I know she kissed a guy, but cheating? Really? I've obviously considered it, but the way we were at the beginning, it just doesn't seem likely. We were enjoying things.

I can't have a talk with her because she's the most stubborn single minded person I've met. I mean seriously, she's completely steadfast in her opinion. She says things are fine and that's she's just not been herself recently and that she's worried she's gaining weight.

As for her ignoring me to spend more time with her friends and such...

Well, get this, I'm gettin paid very soon and because I've been working my ass off this month, I'm due quite a lot, whereas she's been off work partying with her friends and celebrating her birthday (I asked her if she wanted me to take the night off for it, but she said it was a girls night thing). So when I told her how much I was going to get and that I was going to blow off some steam by partying with the guys for a week or two, she got really pissed and said I should be taking her out for a romantic meal and stuff because I haven't done that in ages

I haven't done that in ages coz I'm so damn busy working to earn money and because when I DO have the time, she's off out with her friends!

I'm getting pissed off with the situation now...

I mean, I know she kissed a guy, but cheating? Really? I've obviously considered it, but the way we were at the beginning, it just doesn't seem likely. We were enjoying things.

 

I can't have a talk with her because she's the most stubborn single minded person I've met. I mean seriously, she's completely steadfast in her opinion. She says things are fine and that's she's just not been herself recently and that she's worried she's gaining weight.

 

As for her ignoring me to spend more time with her friends and such...

 

Well, get this, I'm gettin paid very soon and because I've been working my ass off this month, I'm due quite a lot, whereas she's been off work partying with her friends and celebrating her birthday (I asked her if she wanted me to take the night off for it, but she said it was a girls night thing). So when I told her how much I was going to get and that I was going to blow off some steam by partying with the guys for a week or two, she got really pissed and said I should be taking her out for a romantic meal and stuff because I haven't done that in ages

 

I haven't done that in ages coz I'm so damn busy working to earn money and because when I DO have the time, she's off out with her friends!

 

I'm getting pissed off with the situation now...

Everything you say, makes me wonder why you are staying with her?

Stubborn, no sex, kissing other men, getting drunk at clubs, going out with her friends over you. Is this your ideal relationship?

I also think you need to stand up here and tell her what you are looking for in a relationship or take a break. Who cares if she says she loves you. Its actions that we must pay attention to, and by her actions I'd be moving on.

Also by doing nothing you are indirectly accepting her behaviour as okay and you are clearly not happy with her behaviour, nor would I be if I were in your situation.

Everything you say, makes me wonder why you are staying with her?

 

Stubborn, no sex, kissing other men, getting drunk at clubs, going out with her friends over you. Is this your ideal relationship?

 

I also think you need to stand up here and tell her what you are looking for in a relationship or take a break. Who cares if she says she loves you. Its actions that we must pay attention to, and by her actions I'd be moving on.

 

Also by doing nothing you are indirectly accepting her behaviour as okay and you are clearly not happy with her behaviour, nor would I be if I were in your situation.

I know :/ I mean, she is a lovely person, and we had a lot of fun together in the beginning, but I feel like we're drifting apart and that's primarily due to me allowing her to get her way all the time, and when I try and do the same we argue. There's always two sides to every coin, I'm sure I'm not the perfect boyfriend. I just want to figure out what I should do. I don't want to break up with her then find out it's a mistake. I'm playing with someone's emotions here, when I was dumped a year ago it was a horrible downward spiral of constant booze and depression, you know? I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I know :/ I mean, she is a lovely person, and we had a lot of fun together in the beginning, but I feel like we're drifting apart and that's primarily due to me allowing her to get her way all the time, and when I try and do the same we argue. There's always two sides to every coin, I'm sure I'm not the perfect boyfriend. I just want to figure out what I should do. I don't want to break up with her then find out it's a mistake. I'm playing with someone's emotions here, when I was dumped a year ago it was a horrible downward spiral of constant booze and depression, you know? I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Dude, you need to look after yourself first. You're playing with your own emotions as well and they come first. You can't blame yourself for her actions, you can only do what is best for you and if she accepts that superb, if not, then its not going to work.

One option is to take a break. Tell her you need time, because things are not working at the moment. But I would just let her go.

The other thing is, there could also be another woman that is perfect for you out there, where you don't have to deal with all this BS. Honestly, don't get fooled by the tears, she got drunk and kissed another guy.

My friend has recently gained weight in her relationship and her boyfriend tells her flat out that she is gaining weight and has to do something about it.. They are the most sexually active people i have ever met!.. It's a lame excuse she's using & why does anybody need to go out in clubs when they have somebody waiting for them at home, i can see if she texted you while being out or asked you and a friend to tag along.. POINT BLANK: your a sucker! and she is taking you on a ride and using you for support while she goes off and CHEATS! people who are sexually attracted to somebody and who loves them can't keep their hands off eachother.. Think about it.. If it were me i'd set things straight and be firm about it and if she doesn't make a change then ignore her, make her chase me and see how bad she really wants you in your life and future so she says.. In the beginning of relationships some people tend to put on a certain act by being fake and not themselves.. But whatever it was back then isn't what it is NOW! and now matters more then the past.. Now, pick up your balls and if she so much slips again then dust your shoulders and keep on walking.. Gain control, wear the pants! Women love men who chase for attention but definetly don't find it appealing!

I know :/ I mean, she is a lovely person, and we had a lot of fun together in the beginning, but I feel like we're drifting apart and that's primarily due to me allowing her to get her way all the time, and when I try and do the same we argue.

yeah, you want to think that but she isn't, she's a terrible person. the sooner you realize that the better.

she isn't interested in sex with you because she's interested in sex with someone else.

 

she's cheating on you.

 

here's what you do: lay down the law.

 

"you will never go to a bar without me outside of work, ever again, and i mean NEVER. you will not deny sex for months at a time. and if you do not agree to those terms, have a nice life, goodbye. and i know that you have cheated so it will take months to regain my trust at the very least so you had best consider your actions very damn carefully because one more small mistake will be the last".

 

note that she won't agree to any of this, or if she does her friends will tell her how crazy you've become and how she should leave you, at which point you shift the blame to her whorish friends to confuse her further if at all possible.

 

you're a man, be rational. it's a simple matter of choosing a course of action in which the possible outcomes benefit you the most.

 

there are three obviously possible outcomes to my suggestion.

 

a) she refuses and walks out (your response: didn't need the whore anyway)

b) she goes into tears and begs and pleads for forgiveness (you now have the upper hand, at least for the moment, use it to break her cheating habits or revenge, whichever plays out)

c) she does in fact change her tune, at least for awhile (in which case you get what you want)

 

you have a 33% chance of failure with my suggestion, and a 66% chance of things turning in your favor.

 

to be honest, she's a cheater and a liar. you know this. what's left of this relationship is you salvaging some self respect as you either break her entirely or throw her to the curb.

 

she needs to learn a lesson, give it to her.

Umm..as a girl if someone said this to me I would be pissed, I agree it sounds like she may be cheating but if she isn't she will end things because no one wants to be bossed around and yelled at like that. If she is cheating she still might walk away and if she cheated once she will probably definitly want to walk away. Relationships aren't about the upper hand or manipulation and saying that and your option b are manipulation. I don't care how much I love you but there is no excuse for you telling me I can't go somewhere without you. I have been in SR and still gone out with my friends, given I don't drink that much so I have never kissed another guy but if someone said that to me you can guarantee I would walk out. I don't want someone bossing me around I already have a father.

One night my friend called me up from a club he was in, to tell me he spotted her kissing another guy

 

She admitted it, and said it was a drunken mistake, so I forgave her.

 

Now, she rarely stays at my place, she seems a little disinterested in any romance. She'll talk to me amiably enough and laugh and joke, but she doesn't really hug me or kiss me or anything. And we haven't had sex in about two months, which I'm really worried about.

People that use 'being drunk' as an argument to shift responsibility from themselves to the alcohol have a messed up ethical framework.

Red flags:

1. She cheated on you. (yes kissing is cheating, because by doing that she's risking the relationship. She demonstrates with that that she doesn't respect him enough to not let herself go and she doesn't love him enough to not fool around with other guys)

2. She uses her being drunk as an argument to shift responsibility from herself to the alcohol.

3. There's no reciprocation from her side. There's no intimacy. She's being friendly, not a lover.

4. She chooses time with friends over time with you.

she said she loved me more than anything and she can see a future with me

Her actions overrule her words. And if you look at the red flags, then her actions speak volumes.

Umm..as a girl if someone said this to me I would be pissed, I agree it sounds like she may be cheating but if she isn't she will end things because no one wants to be bossed around and yelled at like that. If she is cheating she still might walk away and if she cheated once she will probably definitly want to walk away. Relationships aren't about the upper hand or manipulation and saying that and your option b are manipulation. I don't care how much I love you but there is no excuse for you telling me I can't go somewhere without you. I have been in SR and still gone out with my friends, given I don't drink that much so I have never kissed another guy but if someone said that to me you can guarantee I would walk out. I don't want someone bossing me around I already have a father.

yeah, and she will be pissed with the OP, and he will sleep better knowing that he was the one who left her.

if she doesn't leave and sticks around for his revenge games she deserves it anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

yeah, and she will be pissed with the OP, and he will sleep better knowing that he was the one who left her.

 

if she doesn't leave and sticks around for his revenge games she deserves it anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

I am not saying what she did is right at all, but besides that kiss which I agree is WRONG he has no evidence that she actually cheated. I think that yeah he should break it off but not in the way you are suggesting, because if she didn't do anything wrong and had something else going on he just treated her like crap. Call me lame but I live by the rule "two wrongs don't make a right".

I'm not saying he shouldn't break up with her he should but in a way that isn't like a person on Jerry Springer.

yeah he does have evidence that she cheated.

she's kissing up some guy in a bar and she is denying him sex for months at a time.

that's as good a proof as you can get without a video of her and the guy she's screwing showing up on his doorstep.

she is cheating on him, no doubt about it.

The OP sounds like he's been Friend Zoned. Move on. Think of her as your rebound relationship so now you can go on to have a "real" one.

She didn't cheat in the sexual sense or at least there's no evidence for that. She cheated in the sense that she demonstrated that she doesn't love him enough to not fool around with other guys, as kissing another guy is fooling around. It's also a sign of disrespect. Drunk or not. On top of that she's shifting the responsibility away from herself to the alcohol.

She didn't tell him about kissing that other guy, he confronted her about it. She's been lying by omission.

What she has demonstrated is enough to draw a conclusion in my opinion. Her actions have overruled her words. Whether she actually had sex with other men is irrelevant to the conclusion, it's a detail that would only reinforce the conclusion.

people who have sudden bouts of morality and/or lack of sex drive don't go get drunk without their SO in a bar.

it's proof, call a spade a spade.

I'm gonna play devils aid for a second, maybe she is dealing with something else and hasn't told the OP about it. More likely she is cheating but it is another possibility.

If the kiss made you wary about her, you didn't really forgive. And it's not like it's a bad thing - for some people moving on from what happened and staying in relationship combined is simply not possible at all.

I've had this happen to me. She's in the market for something new, but staying with you until she finds it. When she does, she'll start arguements with you about all the things you're doing wrong. When she leaves, she'll play the victim & will tell you & everyone else it's all your fault.

Don't be in denial. Get out now while you still have your dignity.

I've had this happen to me. She's in the market for something new, but staying with you until she finds it. When she does, she'll start arguements with you about all the things you're doing wrong. When she leaves, she'll play the victim & will tell you & everyone else it's all your fault.

 

Don't be in denial. Get out now while you still have your dignity.

We broke up :/ The final straw came after I spent the weekend working while she went out with her friends. I was supposed to meet her on Saturday night after I finished work, but she never showed (she later said her friend had an epileptic fit in a nightclub and she had to take her home) so I ended up going to stay with a guy I work with, and had a few beers at his place. The next day, she calls me up and asks me what time we're meeting. I tell her that me and my friend from work decided we were going to go hit some bars that night.

She went apesh*t. Starting shouting at me, saying she's sick of me letting her down and that she hasn't seen me all week and now I'm refusing to see her when we finally get the chance.

I couldn't really argue, because we had agreed that we'd see each other that day, but I was frustrated by her constant partying and my lack of, since I've been working a lot. So she told me that we were finished, and I agreed.

Then she got annoyed and reminded me it was her that dumped me! I don't really know where to go from here :/ I mean, we work together and have the same circle of friends, pretty much...but what she's started to do is tell people what an as*hole I am!

Okay, there's some people in work I dislike, for one reason or another, and obviously I told her that. Well now, she's telling them what I said to her about them!