I can't ignore it anymore.

My ex-dude was of Sikh descent. Only guy I ever dated shorter then me.

 

Well if the relationship doesn't work out, I hope that you get some great meals from it.

 

My spidey-senses tell me it actually could though if there was a little more reach on both sides. He doesn't seem to red flag it as crossing that crazy anger line from what you have written and he seems a little flexible. JMO.

He is quite flexible (and a very good cook--better than me, I think). He's put up with a lot of crap from me, admittedly. And like some other posters here have said, I'd be even more worried if he said and did all the right things all the time. Genuinely good people are sometimes going to put their foot in their mouth.

I must be a genuinely good person.:lmao:

Genuinely good people are sometimes going to put their foot in their mouth.

Ain't that the truth!

I honestly had to refrain from typing this in all caps. No one who keeps harping on the pictures is getting it at all. Clearly, I need to post a picture to once and for all effectively state that I was not topless.

 

There! You can see that yes, I am wearing painted cloth, as I originally stated. It could be either a bra or a bikini top. It shows nothing more than what you would see on a day at the beach.

 

Had to put a different link in because the old one linked to the whole album.

 

http://photos.modelmayhem.com/photos/110810/16/4e43138188d3c.jpg

Congratulations you are right! We are now going to put the right crown on your head so that everyone is aware that you were right ;-).

Seriously whats the big deal with this? Why the insistance on winning the argument. The pictures being what they are make no difference to my response. It really has nothing to do with you, what pictures you take of yourself, etc. It has everything to do with his perception of his family, what his family can be like, and what some of the people in his family are like.

The Indian thing is driving me insane. Stop it.

I haven't given anyone a single cent. I've only been paying with my time, and getting paid with pictures. The only shoot I'm paying money for is a submission to a national magazine, which is potentially huge exposure that could result in the shoot paying for itself multiple times over. That is worth shelling out some cash for. The guy has multiple tearsheets in his portfolio showing that other people he's shot have made it into this particular publication.

I know a bit about the business. You should not be paying for your photos. There are folks out there that pray on beautiful women and take their cash.

 

Something I'm really beginning to understand is that, culturally, Indians generally tend to care A LOT about status and image. For example, we were talking about weddings and he said, "It's not even about the couple getting married. It's about having a huge party and being able to brag about how many people you had there and how much money you could afford to spend..." When his older brother got married, their dad was disappointed because there were 'only' about 200 people there.

Lots of Americans feel this way too. The average US wedding cost $29,000 in 2010. In urban areas, the average is around $40K. (Insanity!)

I can see why traditional parents would not be thrilled with those pictures being posted on a social networking site.

 

I mean, you keep saying it's just like wearing a bikini at the beach, but you're NOT wearing a bikini and it's not being seen at the beach. It's a bra, and it's online. With some interesting body paint.

Exactly. Context is everything. I'm also of the opinion that your pose is intended to be provocative. As several of us have said, there are lots of non-Indian families who would not want to see their son's gf in similar pictures. There's a time and a place for everything.

I posted them because they were requested by friends. I figured FB was the easiest place to post them so they could see, and also like I said I never bother with blocking anyone from seeing certain things on my profile. I don't see a point to that. I have less than 40 friends, and also have begun adding professional contacts--other photographers. Some of them do more of their networking on FB than on other sites, so having some of my pics up helps in getting offers. It's like a secondary portfolio.

So what is the big deal with changing your FB settings? This seems like such an easy fix and yet you are so resistant. What's up with that?

Seriously whats the big deal with this? Why the insistance on winning the argument.

... people were saying she was posting nude photos.. it isn't about winning an argument, it is about correcting an error that makes her look bad.

The advice she was being given was driven by the fact that they thought she was nude.. why wouldn't she correct that ?

I know a bit about the business. You should not be paying for your photos. There are folks out there that pray on beautiful women and take their cash.

I also know a bit about the business and I agree... if you pay for the photos or the shoot it is nothing more than a scam.

... people were saying she was posting nude photos.. it isn't about winning an argument, it is about correcting an error that makes her look bad.

 

The advice she was being given was driven by the fact that they thought she was nude.. why wouldn't she correct that ?

But she also said she refuses to simply block his family from that specific album because she just shouldn't have to. Here we have a very simple way for her to compromise, but she refuses. Refusing to compromise, especially on something as innocuous as this, indicates quite a rigid attitude and does not bode well for this or, for that matter, any R.

I'm in an intercultural relationship with someone from a different continent where a lot of the issues you outline in the OP apply (minus the cleaner-example). In our case, it's not so much about what his immediate family thinks, but the way these issues will be perceived in their societal context and hence affect their standing in the community. When I am there, I never refer to the fact that I've been in a previous long term relationship, I never mention that I've worked in bars or that I've ever been drunk, or that I've stayed with male friends at their houses. In many areas, I can't go for a walk on my own. I certainly can't post pictures like that on FB as long as I'm married to him. That's just part of the package, and it's up to me whether to make that trade off or not.

I agree with many who say that you shouldn't 'culturalise' issues too quickly - on the other hand culture can be a real restraint on what people can say and do, so it's not purely up to individual choices, especially in social contexts where what you say and do will by default reflect upon your entire family. More generally, when you marry someone, you do also marry their culture to a certain extent (including an American or a European). Make sure you know what that means in your case before you take the step.

There have been other incidents similar to this that have made me feel like I will have to censor myself or 'improve' myself way beyond what is typically expected in order to make a positive impression upon his family.

The photo you have posted shows such a raw sexuality. I like it. I can kind of get what the photographer was going for maybe. I think you did a better job as a model in the pic than the photographer did in taking it, imo.

That being said, if I saw that picture on my brother's girlfriend's facebook, I would immediately be struck with how classless it is. With no introduction or familiarity as far as your modeling goes, or the photographer's artistic intention, all that is seen is you showing your bra.

If I saw that photo on my brother's girlfriend's facebook, I would hate to make judgments but would have to be curious.

It's not about censoring yourself or improving yourself when it comes to family checking out your facebook page, but I'd say it's more about first impressions.

For what it's worth, even my liberal, academic, fashionable family would probably feel a little uncomfortable seeing a photo of you like that (if you were my girlfriend).

Yes, I was thinking the same. I wouldn't send a picture like that around on a family BBQ with my liberal, European family, either. Not that I couldn't, but as someone said further up there's a time and place (or a hat) for everything. I have a different role as a family member than I do in certain professional situations.

Personally, I would have a lot more issues with the 'don't say you've been a cleaner' comment than with withholding the picture.

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I'm one of those people who prefers to ignore differences, particularly cultural/racial, that could potentially cause conflict. I can't really afford to do that in my relationship anymore.

 

As most of you know, my BF is Indian--born and bred in India, has only been stateside for a few years. I'm American. I know, I know--no big thing, we all bleed red blood, you may say. But lately the differences between us seem more pronounced.

 

Today we got into an argument because his older brother friend requested me on FB--the first member of his family to do that. I hadn't tried to add any of his family. I told him about it and he said it was fine to accept the request; he also encouraged me to send a request to his sister and sister-in-law. Then he abruptly asked me to go to my photos. He saw a handful of pics from recent modeling shoots I had put up--nothing even close to indecent. The most revealing were a few body-paint shots where I had jeans and a painted bra on. It could've easily been mistaken for a swimsuit top. He said I had to take those pics down so his family wouldn't see; I flat-out refused. I angrily asked him why he cared so much, as I am not dating his family, and if they minded the pictures would he really be so embarrassed as to break up with me or something? He said I could either take the pics down or not have any of his family members as FB friends. I ended up defriending his brother only minutes after accepting the request.

 

We made up not long after but this episode has left me shaken. There have been other incidents similar to this that have made me feel like I will have to censor myself or 'improve' myself way beyond what is typically expected in order to make a positive impression upon his family. It deeply worries me because if he acts like this matters so much to him, then obviously he cares about what they think...and if they don't like me for whatever reason, he could be influenced enough to dump me.

 

It's like he cares about 'image' much more than I do. When I was working a recent job that I had to quit due to health issues, he had said something like "I don't really want to explain to my family, when they ask what you do, that you clean rooms..." I was fairly tempted, once I secured my new job, to ask him if he feels his family would approve of what I'm doing now. (sarcasm)

 

He talks on the phone with his friends/family in language(s) that I could never hope to understand in this lifetime. I met a handful of his friends months ago and while I did have fun I also felt really left-out because they kept talking in their own language. He did make an effort to get his friends to speak more in English but I couldn't really fault him for falling in with them a lot because it's what he knows. I remember asking him that same night if he would prefer being with someone from his own culture--someone who knows his language, where he comes from--someone he can relate to more easily. He said no, he loves me, wants to be with me, all that. He wants to visit this same set of friends with me next weekend and I honestly don't feel so enthused about it. I guess I should tell him that.

Wow. Spam tailored to the thread theme.

You're quite pretty, but I wouldn't post photos like that on LS. Too many nasty people who are looking to cut anyone down.

I can understand why your bf would have a problem with that photo. As someone else pointed out, it's very sexual in a raw way (combination of the pose, your expression, what you're wearing, the body paint). Even if he didn't come from a traditional background, I would understand him being embarrassed just because without context it could be construed as classless and somebody who didn't know you well might get the wrong idea.

I'm in an intercultural relationship with someone from a different continent where a lot of the issues you outline in the OP apply (minus the cleaner-example). In our case, it's not so much about what his immediate family thinks, but the way these issues will be perceived in their societal context and hence affect their standing in the community. When I am there, I never refer to the fact that I've been in a previous long term relationship, I never mention that I've worked in bars or that I've ever been drunk, or that I've stayed with male friends at their houses. In many areas, I can't go for a walk on my own. I certainly can't post pictures like that on FB as long as I'm married to him. That's just part of the package, and it's up to me whether to make that trade off or not.

 

I agree with many who say that you shouldn't 'culturalise' issues too quickly - on the other hand culture can be a real restraint on what people can say and do, so it's not purely up to individual choices, especially in social contexts

where what you say and do will by default reflect upon your entire family. More generally, when you marry someone, you do also marry their culture to a certain extent (including an American or a European). Make sure you know what that means in your case before you take the step.

This is a well-balanced and well thought-out post. Given who that poster is, I am not surprised.

As for some of the others who are critiquing the photo (just the photo critique, not the opinions about the photo), it is incredibly rude to say the least.

And, no, there was nothing illogical about correcting the popular perception about you being topless. That actually is quite a different thing altogether in THIS culture.

When I was 22 and signed with a local agency, I was 5'9" and 120lbs. I was told I needed to lose about 10lbs, and that I'd better do it fast, since I was already a little on the "old" side.

It should also be noted that I made very, very little money.

Just consider whether this industry is really something you want to be a part of. It left me extremely self-critical and borderline weight-obsessed...something I'm still working on to this day. I still feel fat when I weigh more than 110lbs, which I know realistically is ridiculous.

If you're having fun, then by all means, keep on truckin'. But if it's causing real issues in your relationships - whether with BF, family, or friends - consider whether it's really worth it. For me, it wasn't. YMMV.

Because that is how his culture is.

 

You either learn to accept it, or move on.

I disagree. He should meet her half way. She has her own culture too.

I think it is worse to feed into someone's delusions. If you go into a field where your looks are the main focus factor, you have to be fully ready for honesty and critique.

On American Idol, how many people try out that have horrible voices, it would be wrong to feed into their delusions and tell them yes you are the greatest singer, go for it, continue to waste your time.

The first issue is the bathing suit bra, horrible fit, use a triangle top bathing suit in photos, not one that is ill fitted and looks like a bra.

Any reputable, modeling agency is going to crucify her, unless they are a money raker.....and what is left, an extremely low self esteem.

Man, the picture I get of Indian culture from LS is really negative and overbearing.

 

That's unfortunate. People make assumptions and say idiotic things (fitgirl).

Generally, the big difference is that Indian people do care more about making their family proud and pleasing them. It is important to T's bf that his family respects her and thinks highly of her. He doesn't want his family to view her as some classless woman with no career who posts sexual photos of herself online. I'm not saying it's wrong or right but Indian families are tight knit. Family approval is important so of course he wants T to present herself in the most "respectable" way possible.

It's easy to say "who cares, she is dating him not his family" but he is a part of his family and their approval matters.

I think that because T comes from such a different family dynamic she isn't understanding where he is coming from. When these conflicts arise I feel like T is more interested is showing him that she won't budge instead of trying to understand his feelings.

While this is somewhat a cultural issue I don't think it's something unheard of in America. I know many men who care about their family seeing their gf is a positive light.

In some cultures, modesty is important. My fiance and I are in the opposite category... my family is very modest. (I am not Indian, by the way... there are very conservative Americans too.) Bikinis are a no no. I would never ever wear a bikini in front of my family. To do so would horrify them. My fiance teases me that I'm Amish, and well, my family isn't Amish but we are closer to Amish than to nudists, that's for sure.

He on the other hand is from a country where most of the women live in bikinis, and he doesn't see a big deal about it at all. However, because he loves me and I love him, we had to decide to compromise with some things.

Out of respect for my family, he will never ask me to wear anything "immodest" around my family, and he will never have any pictures of me in immodest clothing where my family can see them. He is being respectful of my family and my family's values and I can't tell you how much I appreciate his respect for my family and my family's values!!! I greatly appreciate that!!!

For him, I wear immodest clothes in private, and will moreso when we get married. His family, who are bikini wearers themselves, could care less.

He likes seeing me in what I call immodest clothes or lack of clothes, and I like that he likes that, and I appreciate his respect for my family in not insisting I dress immodestly around them.

If you truly love your boyfriend, I would like to suggest respecting his family and family values, and at least hiding immodest pictures from their eyes. I don't think that's bad, to hide from people what offends their values. My parents know I wear a bikini with my fiance, but they don't want to see me half naked. Your boyfriends' family can know that you are a model that does half nudish type photo shoots, but they don't need to personally see you without clothes on. It's respect to take into consideration his family. If your family doesn't care seeing you without clothes, cool. If however his family does care, then what does it hurt to respect them enough to not show them the pictures?

I honestly had to refrain from typing this in all caps. No one who keeps harping on the pictures is getting it at all. Clearly, I need to post a picture to once and for all effectively state that I was not topless.

 

There! You can see that yes, I am wearing painted cloth, as I originally stated. It could be either a bra or a bikini top. It shows nothing more than what you would see on a day at the beach.

 

Had to put a different link in because the old one linked to the whole album.

 

http://photos.modelmayhem.com/photos/110810/16/4e43138188d3c.jpg

Just wanted to say that is an absolutely beautiful, artistic picture, and you look gorgeous!!!

I just hope you understand my point about respecting his family and their values? Respecting his family and values doesn't mean that what you did was wrong not at all; it just takes them into consideration, that's all.

I'm Indian and understand where he is coming from. Indian culture is very closed sexually, and modesty on both sides is seen as the norm. I mean they only recently have started showing kissing on TV! Also, men in India have a pride that comes with the standards they are set at. In India and like many Asian countries, the son and man carry such a heavy burden that often certain jobs would look "embarassing" on his part.

That being said, if he loves you he should be able to rid himself of a culture that has proven to be very restrictive on free, natural love. Arranged marriages still make up the vast majority of marriages in India still to this day, and who selects the partner? The parents and family. That's why your photos matter so much to him. He doesn't what them condeming his decision when they traditionally play such a large role in Indian culture and romance.

It might be possible your bf feels you are not model material, this is not to be rude or mean, but it is a tough field. Not everyone is model material. I honestly do not even see catalog potential.

I personally think the above comment to be rude and untrue. Beauty and artistic quality does not just come in just one shade. The OP is very beautiful and one does not have to be just one "type" of person in order to be "catalog potential." ... I personally think she is more beautiful than many models that walk runways or are in magazines. Different and unique is good. Carbon copies are boring. The picture is tasteful (though yeah in a bra isn't modest enough for some families) and artistic with attitude. Maybe for some catalogs, they wouldn't like it, but others with people who appreciate beauty in many forms, they would definitely like it.

I'm in an intercultural relationship with someone from a different continent where a lot of the issues you outline in the OP apply (minus the cleaner-example). In our case, it's not so much about what his immediate family thinks, but the way these issues will be perceived in their societal context and hence affect their standing in the community. When I am there, I never refer to the fact that I've been in a previous long term relationship, I never mention that I've worked in bars or that I've ever been drunk, or that I've stayed with male friends at their houses. In many areas, I can't go for a walk on my own. I certainly can't post pictures like that on FB as long as I'm married to him. That's just part of the package, and it's up to me whether to make that trade off or not.

 

I agree with many who say that you shouldn't 'culturalise' issues too quickly - on the other hand culture can be a real restraint on what people can say and do, so it's not purely up to individual choices, especially in social contexts where what you say and do will by default reflect upon your entire family. More generally, when you marry someone, you do also marry their culture to a certain extent (including an American or a European). Make sure you know what that means in your case before you take the step.

This is so spot-on... and Tigress shouldn't see it as a personal affront in the way of her guy friend judging her. This really has so little to do with 'him', and far more to do with Tigress meshing with the customs of another culture.

If I married someone from another continent, and then, surprisingly, learned it was considered rude (or worse) to snap my fingers, or scratch my ear, or make the "OK" sign with my fingers... I WOULDN'T DO THEM out of pure respect for others.

Nothing about Tigress hiding away her attractive photos from people in more conservative cultures reflects poorly on her rights/place as a woman in this culture.

(referencing my prior example: )

Just because I might not be religious myself, doesn't mean I'm going to run around drawing offensive cartoons of that which somebody else worships. And if I did so, I certainly wouldn't thrust those cartoons into their environment without considerable provocation.

What has provoked Tigress to consider offending the family of her boyfriend in a similar way?

Now mind you, if the family of Tigress's boyfriend comes to this western environment, and browses LoveShack, I don't mind them reading that I had been hoping it said "painted-on bra" instead of "painted bra on". I'm just not going to go out of my way to interject myself into their culture to make sure they know this about me.