Thinking of taking a vacation from this relationship.

Honestly, if this conversation had taken place between me and my husband, I would have laughed at that reply, but you are fuming and questioning your relationship. I'm with Cee and Kamille -- this really got to you for some reason, like this is a sore point. Do you feel disrespected by him in general, or do you feel that way about yourself, perhaps because of your job situation? Just some things to think about.

I would break up with someone who said something like that. That's just plain cold and shows who they really are. Fluck that.

TA, does it bother you that he'd sell a sex tape of YOU for a couple million dollars, or ANY sex tape?

And I totally agree with D... don't rush to do anything one way or the other. How you handle this disagreement will be the controlling factor in whether your relationship continues, not the comment itself.

Where do you come up with stuff like this ?..

It is absolutely brilliant and possibly the best post in the thread.

TigressA is my muse.

" Example: Unemployed girlfriend is sponging off of me. My resentment is growing. ood luck

Remember, he could be looking at it as an investment or his ticket for his citizenship.... No one knows, not even op in just 4 months ...

I miss my family, I'm unemployed and no prospects have come up, so it had been on my mind the last few days. Then this happens.

Can you travel back with your family for a few weeks? Take time off, let him reflect on it.. Does he love you or just needs a ticket for his residency or citizenship?

You are acting as if he has actually betrayed you. He made a comment on a situation that is highly unlikely to ever take place..

That's like saying, "I won't cheat on you with anyone, but if Eva Langoria comes along I will f)ck her / cheat on you".. It's black or white, either you'll sell someone out or you won't..

I'm not sure where OP resides, but does his "pricetag" mean that he would "sell" her as well for a price, as is unfortunatley done in some third world countries?

Believe it or not, everyone has their price. He was just a little too forthcoming about his.

NO, some of us have morals.. well morals with conditions.. Would you post a naked pic of your (hypothetical!!) son or daughter for a "price"?? FK NO .. So she is just an object with a price tag attached to it in case they ever get in a fight "hypotheical million dollars of course"...

T, what people say and what they do are two completely different things. As K put it very elegantly, hypothetical situations are just that.

You remind me of a low point in my R where I just kept asking the bf hypothetical questions that extend waaaaay far into the hypothetical future because I believed his hypothetical answers were absolute - that is, that should the situation ever occur, that is exactly what he WOULD do. And getting upset when his hypothetical answers weren't what I expected. Well, some of those hypothetical situations have come and gone over the years, and when you go through them you realize that NONE of the prior hashing about it actually mattered a whit because you can never fully understand a situation until you are in it. That is what it is - hypothetical.

That being said, my motto is that if you have such a severe reaction to the thought of your sex tapes being sold in the hypothetical future, don't make them. You can never fully guarantee how someone will be like in the future. It's entirely likely that a guy could swear up and down that he'd never sell them for a million dollars, and actually mean it at the time... and then five years down the road be a completely different person.

My mind is still swirling and I don't know what I want my next plan to be. I have an urge to get out, at least for a little while.

 

Last night the TV was tuned to CNN and Piers Morgan was interviewing Paris Hilton (not the best program choice, I know ) and he asked her the inevitable set of questions about the sex tape. I said, "There are cases when a tape or nude photos are purposely released in order to garner publicity, but in other circumstances, when someone does it without the other knowing--that's a huge betrayal. I can certainly understand her feeling devastated and violated, if that was the case."

 

BF argued that people who are in the public eye "should know better" and be conscious that there are plenty of people out there who are out to make a good bit of money off them. I said, "People don't think about that when they're in love! When you're in love with someone you trust them to not do that sort of thing to you no matter what!"

 

That's when he dropped the bomb on me. He said that if we ever broke up and he had the chance to make a lot of money (like a million or so) by handing over X-rated material made during our relationship, he would.

 

I couldn't believe it. I still can't. I had to leave the apartment after a couple of minutes because I didn't want to see or hear him. He went out after I came back; he said he was sorry and tried to hug me, I said, "Please don't touch me." He came back and we didn't say a word to each other. He sent me a text (A TEXT! When he's sitting RIGHT THERE! ) telling me again, "Sorry, I love you, blah blah". He fell asleep and then I went to bed, making sure we weren't touching. After awhile he woke up and tried to spoon with me; he wouldn't let me go even though I kept taking his arm off me. He repeated his apologies and I sat up, said, "I know. Please stop." We didn't say a word to or look at each other before he left for work this morning.

 

I don't know what to say to him. I feel like he's severely damaged the trust I have so far put in him. I already feel violated and betrayed, knowing that if he had the chance, however remote, to violate me for a cool million or two, he would. I am thinking of getting a one-way bus ticket to my dad's house and staying there for an undetermined period. I really love him; other than this incident he's been so amazing and supportive and because of that I am not immediately thinking of breaking up...I think I just need some time away.

Can you just set this guy free already? Holy ****. Give this man his damn freedom back.

Just called up all my exes and we have decided to sell our sex tapes for $50 each, except the ones with animals, those are $75.

Raise your price. The bestiality stuff is in demand.

It appears the OP has remained fairly consistent in feeling offended by the remarks made and by the tone of the fight in general. Some have supported that perspective; others have urged her to reconsider her response. Hopefully she take the various perspectives to heart and find the healthy path for her.

The next couple weeks will likely be pivotal. Hopefully some communication breakthroughs can be made, synergy found, and they can move forward.

FTR, had I ever said anything like that to my exW, a swift kick in the nuts would have followed. Fortunately, neither she nor my nuts would/will ever have to face that scenario. To me, that's key. It conveys synergy in one aspect of the relationship. A meeting of the minds. What is in the OP's future is as of yet unknown. Hope it works out.

If my girlfriend asked me “would you sell nudes of me for a million dollars?” I would answer “Not for any amount of money would I betray you like that.”

That's just how he should have answered. When you start answering these crazy hypothetical’s in obviously upsetting ways you are just asking for trouble.

I think he could have made his point about how celebrities should know better with out including himself. He just could have said most people would be tempted by that kind of money. (you really can’t argue with that) But of course he never would.

I think this is a really silly fight. On a side note when you do get a job hopefully sooner then later you really owe him for supporting you’re a$$.

So wait, "the bomb" is a highly hypothetical situation that is extremely unlikely to happen. And you decide because you feel his answer to this question (which will very very very very very vrey very likely never exist in real life) is so negative that you throw a fit then breakup with him.

I am besides myself. How the hell do you throw a tantrum over such trivial bull****.

You've got to be pissed at him for something else, and it's coming through in this manner.

Seriously, I just have a hard time believing your relationships hinge on "If I were paris hilton and you were that other dude, would you release a sextape of us to the public for a million dollars?"

If it does you might want to ask the question earlier on. Don't expect any truly serious replies though....

yeeee and a lot of the replies agree with you. Mannnnnn. Normally I assume the consensus rules but not here. My parents would never fight about this. If my roommate threw a tantrum about something like this (actually he did - about the tv) I'd just go upstairs until he stopped acting like a kid. Grow up.

Many people replying in this thread are completely missing the point. The guy in effect said that he would screw her over for money, yet some are saying:

No, he said he'd screw his theoretical ex-Tigress over for money.

Not lovely, I'll grant you that. And if she wants to break up with him over it, as a difference in values, she should, but I don't necessarily agree with the passive-aggressive or overly personal path she's taking. If it's a difference in moral values and she finds him morally wrong for it, to the point where she doesn't want to be with him, she should leave. But I think it's just a little much with the personal offense.

He's a guy who would screw someone over for money, and that's kind of gross, granted, but it's not personal because it's not HER --- it's imaginary ex her. Plenty of people will screw their exes over for no money. People tend not to like their exes, especially in a theoretical sense when they're still in love with them. (When you're in love, and you think of a theoretical ex, you assume something really bad will happen to make them an ex, I think.) It's kind of like saying "If you became my enemy . . . " Not that all exes are enemies but in a theoretical sense, they often seem more so.

If he said he'd sell tapes like that while still together, it'd be a new kettle of fish, much worse than this one, IMO.

It seems to me the real solution to this problem is QUIT MAKING SEX TAPES!!!

I'd trade my GF for $2,000. What's worse?

It seems to me the real solution to this problem is QUIT MAKING SEX TAPES!!!

Seriously.

Thanks to everyone who posted. BF and I talked last night. I told him how his comment made me feel--that it made me feel like he doesn't really love or respect me now, that I really questioned his ethics if he would be willing to betray someone he had been in love with like that to get rich; that it was a world away from my own views on the matter.

I started crying; I couldn't help it. He held me and kept saying he was sorry he hurt me, he loves me, that whole bit. We discussed it a bit more and no, he wouldn't ever do something like that while we're together, under any circumstances.

I asked him if he resents me because I'm currently unemployed and he said, "No, absolutely not." He was also confused as to how/why I came to that conclusion. I told him I'm going to visit my dad sometime this month, for a week. He asked if I initially planned it because I was upset with him. I said, "Yeah, partially--but visiting was on my mind for a few days." So everything is fine now.

With due respect for your reconciliation, he didn't bend on his original premise at all. Originally, he said, if you were broken up, he'd have no problem bla, bla. In his reconciliation speech, he says he wouldn't ever do it while you were together. Essentially, that's the same thing, only by omission.

Lastly, what I posted prior as an example of poor communication with an explicit disclaimer beneath it was exactly that, an example. It was not an inference of my nor his thoughts or expectations, as I don't know you and I certainly can't read his thoughts.

I can see that too many years in a toxic marriage has left me with little patience for this stuff, so I'll leave it at that. I hope it works out.

I know he didn't change his original premise. I had expressed concern ITT that he might be willing to do something like that if we're together--that was a big reason why I was so angry at what he had said. I had worried over where his other boundaries lay. I had asked him directly if he would do that while we're together and that's when he said he would never.

I admit that I was projecting to a degree with the unemployment issue...I've been so hard on myself (I HATE being dependent on anyone to this extent, I've never been in this situation before) and I have been expecting him to be the same way. I have also been bottling it up, not really talking about it. I have been nitpicking everything and translating it into "He resents me because I'm dependent on him."

Thanks for the clarification. I hope you can resolve your feelings regarding your independence/dependence. Try a different word....interdependence, and see how that goes. Part of being a team is supporting each other, in all aspects. It's not a contemporaneous accounting. Ask yourself how you would feel if circumstances found him being dependent upon you, and I don't necessarily mean due to unemployment. A healthy partner is your helper and confidant as well as your lover.

Thanks to everyone who posted. BF and I talked last night. I told him how his comment made me feel--that it made me feel like he doesn't really love or respect me now, that I really questioned his ethics if he would be willing to betray someone he had been in love with like that to get rich; that it was a world away from my own views on the matter.

 

I started crying; I couldn't help it. He held me and kept saying he was sorry he hurt me, he loves me, that whole bit. We discussed it a bit more and no, he wouldn't ever do something like that while we're together, under any circumstances.

 

I asked him if he resents me because I'm currently unemployed and he said, "No, absolutely not." He was also confused as to how/why I came to that conclusion. I told him I'm going to visit my dad sometime this month, for a week. He asked if I initially planned it because I was upset with him. I said, "Yeah, partially--but visiting was on my mind for a few days." So everything is fine now.

If you're feeling off about the unemployment thing talk about that. I'd just avoid this whole paris hilton scenario. Also try to get out of the habit of saying because you said x thing it means you feel y about me. If you want to know how he feels about you, ask him. Don't infer something incredibly negative based on some kind of off comment. The Paris Hilton thing probably wasn't even a serious answer (how could it be?).

Anyhow good luck.

He's a guy who would screw someone over for money, and that's kind of gross, granted, but it's not personal because it's not HER --- it's imaginary ex her. Plenty of people will screw their exes over for no money. People tend not to like their exes, especially in a theoretical sense when they're still in love with them. (When you're in love, and you think of a theoretical ex, you assume something really bad will happen to make them an ex, I think.) It's kind of like saying "If you became my enemy . . . " Not that all exes are enemies but in a theoretical sense, they often seem more so.

That's completely irrelevant, he confessed that he would be prepared to screw her over for money, whether it's a hypothetical situation in the future is irrelevant here, it's the principle that counts and the implications that flow from it.

We're not merely talking about a difference in morals/ethics here, we're talking about the fact that a person already knows, while he's in a relationship, that he would be prepared to screw her over if things went sour. In my opinion, that would make me question my SO's crush/love. That's the point.

I side with TA on this one.

I know he didn't change his original premise. I had expressed concern ITT that he might be willing to do something like that if we're together--that was a big reason why I was so angry at what he had said. I had worried over where his other boundaries lay. I had asked him directly if he would do that while we're together and that's when he said he would never.

 

I admit that I was projecting to a degree with the unemployment issue...I've been so hard on myself (I HATE being dependent on anyone to this extent, I've never been in this situation before) and I have been expecting him to be the same way. I have also been bottling it up, not really talking about it. I have been nitpicking everything and translating it into "He resents me because I'm dependent on him."

It sounds like you need to hear from him what he depends on you for. Your unemployment is causing you to feel like you bring no value. You expect him to treat you like a doormat and when that doesn't happen you try to instigate it.

If I was in your shoes, I would ask myself this: what am I bringing to this relationship? By your statements it seems like all he brings is money and that is what you value.

Thanks for the clarification. I hope you can resolve your feelings regarding your independence/dependence. Try a different word....interdependence, and see how that goes. Part of being a team is supporting each other, in all aspects. It's not a contemporaneous accounting. Ask yourself how you would feel if circumstances found him being dependent upon you, and I don't necessarily mean due to unemployment. A healthy partner is your helper and confidant as well as your lover.

Thanks C. It is extremely difficult for me to accept that part of a relationship--having the support of your partner when times are not ideal. I was always taught to look after myself. I had very little support from my family by the time I started college. I love them but am quite distant from them. I feel weird even asking them for any sort of help. I never asked for help in school, sometimes to the detriment of my academic record--even if I knew I would fail an assignment without help I didn't ask for it. It made and still does make me feel so vulnerable that I am driven to tears.

Buddy should have been cleared it lol, what is this guy thinking? Oh wait - he isn't.

TA-Please be careful.

In my experience, men who make comments like that tend to start small, then get worse and worse. In the past, I have overlooked small comments like that only to discover later that, cumulatively, they indicate the true character of a person... And I have ultimately found myself in worse situations than I would have if I hadn't ignored my gut.

My suspicion is that he may have been doing small things that echoed the thoughts this prompted, and his comment was a catalyst, although I may be wrong.

So.. Be careful. I hope those telling you that you blew it out of proportion are right, but in my book, that lack of integrity would be a deal breaker for me.

99% of people might sell out, but I would rather wait for that 1% who wouldn't, myself. :/