This is kind of bothering me.....seriously :(

Therapy:

I am not opposed to therapy. I have been in the slow process of "interviewing" various therapists for the last few months to see which ones I connect to the best. I still haven't found the right one.

As OO said, therapy is not a magical cure to all. Many people go for years and stay the same. My friend shadowplay has been in therapy for a while and it doesn't seem to have helped her (just one data point) - but she has a very similar problems to me.

And again, A_O I HAVE gotten better since joining LS. You should have a look at my circular threads about my obsessive crush on my married boss for 4 years. I have come a long way since then, with LS, time and just getting sick of doing the same thing over and over again.

I do believe that my anxieties will settle down if I am given a chance to be in a stable relationship for a while. It's just those first few months, when uncertainty is very high that are tricky.

My friend shadowplay has been in therapy for a while and it doesn't seem to have helped her (just one data point) - but she has a very similar problems to me.

I think you're very, very different.

I think you're very, very different.

OK, in what way briefly?

OK, in what way briefly?

ES, I think what Star Gazer is hinting at, but doesn't say out loud is that she thinks you're batsh*t insane.

Correct me if I'm wrong SG, but that is the vibe I've been getting from your replies.

Disclaimer: I'm not judging either of you, just observing.

ES, I think what Star Gazer is hinting at, but doesn't say out loud is that she thinks you're batsh*t insane.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong SG, but that is the vibe I've been getting from your replies.

 

Disclaimer: I'm not judging either of you, just observing.

Yes, but I always thought that she thinks shadowplay is bats%it insane too, just from her interactions with her. So I am curious at the differences.

ES, I think what Star Gazer is hinting at, but doesn't say out loud is that she thinks you're batsh*t insane.

Nope. I think SP/NS is though!

One major difference I have observed is that ES internalizes and doesn't want to place "blame," and instead just kinda heaps it all on herself in an almost "it's hopeless!" way, whereas SP externalizes, refuses to take accountability, and tries to manipulate others to get the end result she desires. The former is much more fixable, as I've observed over the years. The latter is a pathology, IMO. ES just needs to change her thought process. Easier said than done, I know. What they have in common, is that they don't pay necessary attention to how they affect others with their behavior, but that's neither here nor there for this thread.

I think we're all a lot more cognizant of the root of ES's problems. Seeking approval of parents is innate, and when you don't get it, or feel as though you're actually disappointing them...well, to put it succinctly, it can mess with your head such that relationships are more difficult.

But it doesn't mean she's doomed!

Therapy focused on her feelings of acceptance and approval of her parents and how that's tied to her comfort levels and anxiety will work WONDERS, I think.

Nope. I think SP/NS is though!

 

One major difference I have observed is that ES internalizes and doesn't want to place "blame," and instead just kinda heaps it all on herself in an almost "it's hopeless!" way, whereas SP externalizes, refuses to take accountability, and tries to manipulate others to get the end result she desires. The former is much more fixable, as I've observed over the years. The latter is a pathology, IMO. ES just needs to change her thought process. Easier said than done, I know. What they have in common, is that they don't pay necessary attention to how they affect others with their behavior, but that's neither here nor there for this thread.

 

I think we're all a lot more cognizant of the root of ES's problems. Seeking approval of parents is innate, and when you don't get it, or feel as though you're actually disappointing them...well, to put it succinctly, it can mess with your head such that relationships are more difficult.

 

But it doesn't mean she's doomed!

 

Therapy focused on her feelings of acceptance and approval of her parents and how that's tied to her comfort levels and anxiety will work WONDERS, I think.

You don't think I am bat%it insane and think that my problems are fixable? :eek:

That's the last thing I expected to hear from you.

You don't think I am bat%it insane and think that my problems are fixable? :eek:

 

That's the last thing I expected to hear from you.

You drive ME batsh*t insane and sometimes I think my hairloss from pulling my hair out when reading your threads might be permanent, but no... not insane, fixable.

I do believe that my anxieties will settle down if I am given a chance to be in a stable relationship for a while. It's just those first few months, when uncertainty is very high that are tricky.

Problem is you won't give yourself that chance! You won't allow yourself to experience stability. For whatever reason, its simply too uncomfortable for you.

Your post reminds me of an addict, a gambler, an alcoholic - if only such and such would happen then things would get better. There's always an excuse of some sort to resist change.

But it doesn't mean she's doomed!

Therapy focused on her feelings of acceptance and approval of her parents and how that's tied to her comfort levels and anxiety will work WONDERS, I think.

Indeed.

.

After reading through most of this thread I'm going to add my two cents.

I can somehow relate to being so worried about all this. My guy really seemed too good to be true to me so I found myself over-obsessing over everything for the first while we were together. Getting through that stage I found I learned quite a bit.

For one thing, I learned that you really have to risk it all. I know there's a change you'll get hurt but without giving your all to the relationship your cutting yourself short.

Secondly, whether you live happily ever after with this guy or you don't, if you spend the time you are will him worrying about all the negative things that could happen, your missing out on the good. Maybe it won't work out but you can reflect back that you had a real worthwhile time with this person.

Third, I know it sounds like voodoo or something but a persons attitude can manifest reality. If your waiting for the shoe to drop ... it will.

Lastly, your passionate in love definition I find a little faulty. There's that retarded infatuation stage at the beginning of a relationship that can cloud any rational thought but that stuff ain't real! It can go away without any lasting impression on you just as quickly as it comes. Your guy is affectionate, thoughtful and mushy (in general guys usually aren't too comfortable with the mushy stuff so it doesn't come out well forced). He's into you! What surprises me with my guy is how deep to my soul I love him and can't imagine loving anyone more than I love him ... then the next day it's even more. That's the real stuff in my mind. It makes me feel at peace, secure, safe, as well as passionate about him.

I think you will find you get much more out of the relationship by just talking to the guy and not holding back. If you wonder about something, just ask instead of invent and assume.

You drive ME batsh*t insane and sometimes I think my hairloss from pulling my hair out when reading your threads might be permanent, but no... not insane, fixable.

:lmao::lmao:

"As OO said, therapy is not a magical cure to all. Many people go for years and stay the same. My friend shadowplay has been in therapy for a while and it doesn't seem to have helped her (just one data point) - but she has a very similar problems to me."

But, as I told you, it DID help me yet you choose not to include that in your "data".

What many people fail to understand about therapy is that the therapist is not intended to "cure" anyone but to help identify the root of the patient's problems/issues and to provide information and guidance that will aid the patient in finding a resolution.

In your response to my last post, you commented that you weren't ready to look further into how your relationship with your mother has affected your life, and I completely understand. It's scary. But the fact that you are aware of this lends even greater credence to believing that there IS something about that relationship that you are afraid of uncovering and confronting...and perhaps your reluctance to giving therapy a try.

While you have no obligation to following the suggestions or advice of anyone here (or anyone else for that matter), if you are truly as desperate for answers/solutions as you claim (and it appears) you are, you would do yourself a tremendous favor by at least considering legitimate advice. After all, despite having made "progess" (which is wonderful), you have yet to conquer your anxiety and other relationship issues so it seems logical to consider alternatives to what you have done before. Even if you aren't ready now, I urge you to keep your options open.

We had an argument last night, our first. We resolved it quickly but it kind of hit me how much I actually care about him. Then we had an amazing night of hot sex

This morning, the realization came: I am completely in love with him.

I crave his touch, I crave him next to me.

It just goes to show that passion can develop over time - I certainly didn't feel this strongly from the start. And I now feel the butterflies too.

It's Sunday and I won't get to see him till Wednesday and I am feeling slightly depressed about it

So all bets are off, I can get really hurt here..but I am going to take the risk

We had an argument last night, our first. We resolved it quickly but it kind of hit me how much I actually care about him. Then we had an amazing night of hot sex

 

This morning, the realization came: I am completely in love with him.

 

I crave his touch, I crave him next to me.

 

It just goes to show that passion can develop over time - I certainly didn't feel this strongly from the start. And I now feel the butterflies too.

 

It's Sunday and I won't get to see him till Wednesday and I am feeling slightly depressed about it

 

So all bets are off, I can get really hurt here..but I am going to take the risk

Awesome ES, that's so great. I am really happy for you.

I don't want to be with someone who thinks love rather than feels it.

 

Shall we conclude, then, that you are searching for your soulmate ???

Because you'd do faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar better with someone who "thinks love" than you ever will with somebody who can identify his soulmate all the way at the other side of a classroom or the lunchroom... while simultaneously paying no mind to the fact that a true "soulmate" would have as much chance of working on a dock in South Africa as he would of being seated two rows over from them in 3rd hour Algebra.

I have also been reading studies done on cheating and it looks like the man's character has more to do with cheating than the depth of his love....

Why on earth are you reading studies on cheating? The way you work ES is that you will start over-analysing (yet again) and start a thread here soon along the "could my bf be cheating?" when all he has done is have his mobile switched off because he is in a meeting at work.

i actually agree with your boyfriend.

i think you have a pattern of craving for unhealthy relationships and your boyfriend appears boring, settling and not passionate for you because he is healthy. then you self-sabotage. love is about taking a leap of faith. why don't you just enjoy this while it lasts.

I think this is great, and I am honestly happy to hear this ... but I still think you should (not here on LS, but with some pro help) check out your emotional patterns. Look at how they're exhibited on this very thread. You've travelled between insecurity, certainty that it's over, your own disinterest, readiness to give him the boot, to mad love ... all without any actual situations occurring within your relationship.

The bottom line is: for EVERY ONE OF US, giving ourselves up to the vulnerability of a relationship is a very serious risk. We cannot control the outcome, or the emotions or behavior of the other person. We cannot control our own emotions. This is not specific to YOU - we all are in the same boat.

We CAN control our behavior, our REACTIONS to our emotions, and our choices. YOU can control YOURS.

So, I really and truly hope that you CHOOSE to behave within this relationship the same way that you wish your boyfriend to behave, and to resist your urges to sabotage it. Sabotage is dishonest. If you want to be IN it, keep it positive and move past your quagmires without giving in to them. If you decide you do not want that, then break up in an honorable way - without making him a villain and wreaking havoc.

Bottom line is, I really do hope that you will do what you need to do in order to have a happy and healthy relationship, since I believe that's what you truly desire. It's NOT all about another person making you feel good 24/7. That's just not what a relationship is, for any of us. Such a thing cannot be sustained. And it sucks all the life out of love.

That's my lecture for today.

"We had an argument last night, our first. We resolved it quickly but it kind of hit me how much I actually care about him. Then we had an amazing night of hot sex

This morning, the realization came: I am completely in love with him.

I crave his touch, I crave him next to me.

It just goes to show that passion can develop over time - I certainly didn't feel this strongly from the start. And I now feel the butterflies too.

It's Sunday and I won't get to see him till Wednesday and I am feeling slightly depressed about it

So all bets are off, I can get really hurt here..but I am going to take the risk :)"

I wish you nothing less than being totally happy with yourself, your life and in your relationships, but I truly believe that for you to have sustained happiness, you can't hide from the truth.

Think about this--Until this morning, you hadn't felt passion in this relationship. Q: What did it take for you to FINALLY feel "butterflies"? WHAT CHANGED?....

A: YOU HAD AN ARGUMENT! (i.e. DRAMA:mad:) and you won't get to see him again until Wednesday (i.e. SADNESS & LONGING )

+ does not =

Just an observation, but love stems from feelings of peace & contentment and happiness...not negative emotions such as anger, fear & loss.

 

That's my lecture for today.

It's a good one.

I especially like the observations about the roller coaster of emotions ES has gone through in the last few days, all without any outside events prompting them.

But, to be honest, I do see improvement in you ES. While you've been on a self-inflicted emotional rollercoaster, you've resisted giving in to your urges to sabotage the R. That's an improvement from how impulsive you were in just your last relationship.

Now, the next step is learning to be constant in your emotions, as Mme C pointed out. That does mean being able to distinguish between reality and the moments when you let your anxiety taint how you interpret a situation.

I wish you nothing less than being totally happy with yourself, your life and in your relationships, but I truly believe that for you to have sustained happiness, you can't hide from the truth.

 

Think about this--Until this morning, you hadn't felt passion in this relationship. Q: What did it take for you to FINALLY feel "butterflies"? WHAT CHANGED?....

 

A: YOU HAD AN ARGUMENT! (i.e. DRAMA:mad:) and you won't get to see him again until Wednesday (i.e. SADNESS & LONGING )

 

+ does not =

 

Just an observation, but love stems from feelings of peace & contentment and happiness...not negative emotions such as anger, fear & loss.

Yes, yes, yes!

She's drawn in and in love now, because she feels threatened. She senses the possibility of loss, disapproval, and disappointment. That's NOT love.

I do believe that my anxieties will settle down if I am given a chance to be in a stable relationship for a while. It's just those first few months, when uncertainty is very high that are tricky.

It would help to learn what that anxiety in the relationship is all about. Therapy would be good, or you could do your own independent research and study to see what you discover for yourself. The best, most transformative classes I have come across have been through Landmark Education. Maybe check them out and allow yourself to explore the history behind your behavior.

Really begin to notice your anxieties now though. Don't let them overrun your relationship anymore. You can begin to choose differently now.

And it's been really, really great to read through your changes here. I totally get that this is just the noise going through your head that we read here, and it's really great for you to spell it out and share what you are going through. Helps me, too, because of course I deal with my own noise and reactions.

You drive ME batsh*t insane and sometimes I think my hairloss from pulling my hair out when reading your threads might be permanent, but no... not insane, fixable.

I retract the above statement, and agree with this one:

ES, I think what Star Gazer is hinting at, but doesn't say out loud is that she thinks you're batsh*t insane.

:lmao::lmao:

I do not wish to retract any statements at this time