The man who isn't ready

Thanks for reading, I'll try to make this as concise as possible.

About a week ago I met a guy online (I'm 29 and he's a few years younger than me). We met in person and things became physical. I definitely did not plan to sleep with him (because I know it always leads to problems like what I'm telling you now), but it was undoubtedly, truly the best sex of my life. We saw each other again last night.

Upfront I knew that he was semi-recently getting out of a long-term relationship. He has initiated discussions about where he sees this going; he is overwhelmed with strong feelings for me, being with me feels easy and natural and right, and he has a desire to see me more often-but he's not sure he's ready for a relationship. I know there's some other girl vaguely in the picture he met a few days before me (although they are not intimate).

This is unfamiliar territory for me-I am usually the responsible girl who goes through the whole courting ritual, and exclusivity is usually agreed upon well before things get physical (for good reason-so the chances of trouble like this are lessened!).

I have known him for such a ridiculously short amount of time that it seems absurd to be having these discussions already; but he initiated them. I told him that I like spending time with him and we could just see where things go, since it's so early. On the other hand, he knows that I'm a monogamy-minded woman, which may be the impetus for all this information he's giving me so early on.

Help? I don't know him very well-but I know that we have amazing physical chemistry the likes of which I've not experienced in a long time-maybe ever. On the other hand, I'm looking for a monogamous relationship and he is saying he doesn't think he can give it to me.

I think I know what I have to do but I'm having a difficult time pulling my cards off the table. I know it's prudent to end things now, before I get more invested and get hurt, I'm just struggling with how to do that. Any suggestions for how to proceed are welcome.

On the other hand, I'm looking for a monogamous relationship and he is saying he doesn't think he can give it to me.

There's the truth. The work is acceptance. Is it coincidence that this wonderful lover isn't interested in a committed relationship (with anyone)?

Of course, he could be married

Yes, I know this flies in the face of everything he's *said*. Since you can't really put the sex genie back in the box and he has said he doesn't want a committed relationship, you have a number of choices on your menu.

Time reveals *all* truths. Thanks for sharing

Thank *you* for replying.

You're right that the work is in the acceptance, and I really needed to read that.

Roughly 1 million protests popped into my head-which I'm sure you could guess include:

BUT he might change his mind if we spend more time together, BUT should I just stick around for the best sex ever, BUT he just deactivated his profile and maybe it was for me, BUT he said...etc.

I need to shift my focus from the loopholes I want to believe will make this work and focus on accepting the painful facts in front of my face.

This whole situation-including how much this hurts me and how invested I allowed myself to become so quickly-are a bit embarrassing. I'm thankful for your feedback.

I guess I'll just work on moving on. If/when I hear from him again, any suggestions with how to handle it?

Thanks again.

Additionally, if what you meant by coincidence is that I perhaps have been drawn to an unavailable man; BINGO! I hate it but can't deny that I've done that before. You're insightful.

I guess I'll just work on moving on. If/when I hear from him again, any suggestions with how to handle it?

Sure..... 'When we last spoke, we appeared to be in very different places about what we each want from relationships. Sex, for me, is an expression of how I feel and I want that to be in a committed and monogamous relationship. How do you feel about that now?'

Listen.

Any 'oh, baby' stuff gets a click. If that's the first thing out of his mouth, he's just a smooth talking player and not respectful of your feelings or you, in general. More acceptance. When women start in with that BS on me now, I just hang up. Cell phones are prone to that, ya know

Good advice, and I intend to follow it (GULP).

I doubt I'll hear the 'oh baby' stuff, I suspect he is a good person. It hurt to hear that he has doubts about being ready to be in a relationship, but ultimately I know he's doing me a favor by giving me this information; I can't delude myself.

If I had to hazard a guess, I think we'll rehash our positions (him: not ready/me:ready). So it comes back down to acceptance of the overall situation, I suppose. The where and how of how things end are just details.

Again, I thank you and appreciate your response.

Here's a thought which just occurred...

Women who post on LS often comment on how they desire and are attracted to a man who is decisive, confident and knows what he wants...

Can you apply that perspective to your situation?

My comment is designed to suggest and point out some differences between what women *say* they *want* and are *attracted* to, and what they actually *do* in real life.

Acceptance is freedom.

Think about this logically - you met him online a week ago and you've already given him 'the goods'. He's probably getting more just like you elsewhere.

He's said he's 'not sure' if he's interested in a monogamous relationship so, if I was you, I'd cut and run. You've only known him a week so in a couple of weeks he'll just be a very good memory.

Or..... keep having sex with him because it's so good and in a few months time find yourself posting on here about your broken heart.

I know that might sound a bit brutal but it's just the way life is. He's been pretty open about his feelings so it's really for you to decide if you want to take the risk.

I think carhill's advice is good but I think you instinctively know the answer already.

Like the women you refer to, I do believe I want a man who is decisive, confident and knows what he wants...

My first instinct is to reason that he is decisive, confident, and knows what he wants-and it's just that unfortunately what he wants isn't what I want.

However, in this very short amount of time he has done a great deal of vacillating between "I can't believe how amazing we are together I'm falling for you" and "I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone". Hardly the sentiments of a man who knows exactly what he wants.

Is this how you're suggesting I apply the perspective to my situation?

Maybe you mean I should try to exercise a bit of that confidence, decisiveness and knowledge of what I want, if I expect it of others?

Or perhaps you are suggesting (not inaccurately) that sometimes we are attracted to the drama?

This is really helping. Acceptance is freedom-but much like the struggle for freedom in other contexts, it can hurt like hell to get there!

You're right Mr. Tiger. I promise I know how absurd it is to even be fretting over someone who I've known for such a short time and to whom I've so quickly become physically intimate with. Truly, it would be silly to expect anything substantive to come out of that scenario.

I have become adept at recognizing when things won't work out with a prospective partner and I have become quite proud of my ability to cut and run when that becomes evident. This one just snuck by me! It has been a long while since I found myself in such a position as this.

You are correct that continuing to be involved with this man will likely just delay and magnify the heartbreak I could experience. I thank you for your brutality. I need it to combat the irrational feelings of attachment I've formed.

I thank you for your brutality. I need it to combat the irrational feelings of attachment I've formed.

You're welcome ......... though I'm actually a Ms Tiger (not Mr) . If that wasn't a typo on your part, you're not the first to think I'm male. Probably because I can be a little too 'straight talking' at times.

The advice I gave you comes from experience - like many women, I learned the hard way. Whatever you decide I hope you come through this with the minimal angst possible.

Apologies for the erroneous assumption, Ms. Tiger! I think your 'straight shooting' style is fantastic.

Reading these responses has clarified for me that despite the wonderful experience we shared, we want different things and that makes our connection untenable.

It's tough not to feel rejected when you're the one who wants more, isn't it? I'm feeling a bit sad and hurt, which makes me want to excise him from my life curtly, in a mean-spirited way. I'll keep in mind that my job is to work on acceptance and forgo the histrionics though, I think.

Thanks to both of you again.

I'm in exactly the same boat, check out my thread. It sucks.

About a week ago I met a guy online.

best sex of my life

I know there's some other girl vaguely in the picture

he's not sure he's ready for a relationship

Wow. You sure had bad luck ending up with a guy like this on the online dating. (as opposed to his luck)

If are serious about a monogamous relationship and that means more than just a fling, then its more than prudent to end things now..take a reality check..its the smart thing to do.

He's not ready for monogamy but he goes on dating sites? Hmm... is that really hard to figure out?

Some people are just plain good at lying. Of course you don't know him very well, but you still went and had sex with a guy you " don't know". I applaud you for your openness, but reserve NSA sex for NSA and not for when you're seeking mongamy.

Hi ascendotum

You're right-bad luck isn't why I'm in this situation-my bad judgment and decisions got me where I am. Reading the italicized facts and "(as opposed to his luck)" helped me locate a bit of indignation at the situation.

I am looking for a monogamous relationship-not a fling. I feel glad for the reality checks I got today-thanks for your response.

Hi xpapercutx,

I did fail to mention that this morning he took down his dating profile, so he may not be lying. I feel grateful that he was so upfront and honest of his own volition, actually.

However, you are absolutely right that there are a many predatory, deceitful people (who one meets online and off) and that is why dating with caution and taking things slowly is always a good idea!

I'm definitely not a girl who is looking for (or is capable of having) a NSA sexual relationship and I'm seeking monogamy. This experience helps to reinforce the benefits afforded by taking things slowly.

The intense, amazing chemistry we shared allowed me to get carried away this time. The thoughts here have helped tremendously to put things in perspective, and I thank you for your response.

Apologies for the erroneous assumption, Ms. Tiger! I think your 'straight shooting' style is fantastic.

 

Reading these responses has clarified for me that despite the wonderful experience we shared, we want different things and that makes our connection untenable.

 

It's tough not to feel rejected when you're the one who wants more, isn't it? I'm feeling a bit sad and hurt, which makes me want to excise him from my life curtly, in a mean-spirited way. I'll keep in mind that my job is to work on acceptance and forgo the histrionics though, I think.

 

Thanks to both of you again.

No apology necessary . I do love being a woman but male friends have often commented on how 'like a guy' I can be. I take it as a compliment (sometimes ).

Please don't allow yourself to feel rejected. This guy wanted you as much as you wanted him. You are the one who is calling it quits because he doesn't match up to what you expected or what he led you to believe was a possibility. You're the one in control.

I think you've learned what you needed to from this, so you can move on with your head held high.

Hi xpapercutx,

 

I did fail to mention that this morning he took down his dating profile, so he may not be lying. I feel grateful that he was so upfront and honest of his own volition, actually.

 

However, you are absolutely right that there are a many predatory, deceitful people (who one meets online and off) and that is why dating with caution and taking things slowly is always a good idea!

 

I'm definitely not a girl who is looking for (or is capable of having) a NSA sexual relationship and I'm seeking monogamy. This experience helps to reinforce the benefits afforded by taking things slowly.

 

The intense, amazing chemistry we shared allowed me to get carried away this time. The thoughts here have helped tremendously to put things in perspective, and I thank you for your response.

I'm not calling him a blatant liar, but online dating doesn't refrain a person from lying. Hence it's always good to be cautious about the type of people you meet. If you normally do not interact with a stranger on the bus and subway, how can you expect to trust a person you randomly met on the internet?

I'm glad you learned something here. If he does contact you again, you should take a proactive stance about seeking a monogamous relationship and not settling for anything less. By stating your intentions and what you want, you automatically eliminate the bad ones from the good.

Hi xpapercutx,

If I do hear from him again, the toughest part will definitely be proactively telling him I am not willing to continue seeing him; but I know it's what's best for me. Right again.

He's not ready for monogamy but he goes on dating sites? Hmm... is that really hard to figure out?

 

Some people are just plain good at lying. Of course you don't know him very well, but you still went and had sex with a guy you " don't know". I applaud you for your openness, but reserve NSA sex for NSA and not for when you're seeking mongamy.

some guys use online dating as a means to getting lots of casual sex. The guy I was seeing recently and ended things with also had a profile up that he was using to find girls to screw (he even had casual sex listed as one of his "what a I looking for" or whatever).

Ms. Tiger,

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your message. I tend to beat myself up a bit when things don't work out how I'd like, and your words have been very helpful and kind. I'm going to reread them when I lose perspective. THANK you.

Hi xpapercutx,

 

I did fail to mention that this morning he took down his dating profile, so he may not be lying. I feel grateful that he was so upfront and honest of his own volition, actually.

 

However, you are absolutely right that there are a many predatory, deceitful people (who one meets online and off) and that is why dating with caution and taking things slowly is always a good idea!

 

I'm definitely not a girl who is looking for (or is capable of having) a NSA sexual relationship and I'm seeking monogamy. This experience helps to reinforce the benefits afforded by taking things slowly.

 

The intense, amazing chemistry we shared allowed me to get carried away this time. The thoughts here have helped tremendously to put things in perspective, and I thank you for your response.

You really should check out my thread when you get a chance because our situations are lmost identical.

Like you I got involved with a guy who later told me that he just ended a serious relaitonship and wasn't ready for monogamy just yet. We had already had sex and gone on dates when he told me this, so I felt kind of led on. I had also already stated to him that I wasn't looking for NSA.

We also had amazing chemistry. Let myself get carried away only to regret it.

I ended things, but now he wants to stay friends, and also wants to leave the door open to us having a relationship later IF he's ready. Still have no clue whether I can handle him as a platonic friend. Part of me still hopes he decides he wants me as a girlfriend down the line, but I'm trying to squuish that thought because I know it will just defeat me.

You really should check out my thread when you get a chance because our situations are lmost identical.

 

Like you I got involved with a guy who later told me that he just ended a serious relaitonship and wasn't ready for monogamy just yet. We had already had sex and gone on dates when he told me this, so I felt kind of led on. I had also already stated to him that I wasn't looking for NSA.

 

We also had amazing chemistry. Let myself get carried away only to regret it.

 

I ended things, but now he wants to stay friends, and also wants to leave the door open to us having a relationship later IF he's ready. Still have no clue whether I can handle him as a platonic friend. Part of me still hopes he decides he wants me as a girlfriend down the line, but I'm trying to squuish that thought because I know it will just defeat me.

Souvlaki, whatever your intentions are, I don't think you're doing the OP a favor by threadjacking another's thread with your own. Your problems were already discussed and everyone has given you the appropriate advices to followthrough. Your decision to remain in your supposed " status quo" is your own choice, hence don't bring your own problems into someone else's spotlight.

Hi souvlaki,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a painful experience, too. Congratulations on initiating the discussion of monogamy; that can be tough to do. You did a great thing for yourself by ending things with him, and you should be proud of that too. That step possibly looms in my near future and I empathize with how tough it must have been.

After it becomes clear that things won't work out with someone I'm romantically involved with, I don't ever elect to remain friends (with one exception and that was LONG after our relationship had ended). I actually find it most helpful to cease having any contact with them. I can't say it's the right choice for you but it's a policy that has served me well.

I know it's tempting, but try not to spend your emotional energy on regret. I know there's a good reason for this, but I'm in the midst of battling regret too so I can't articulate why. Try to focus on learning from your choices, moving on, and being good to yourself if you can.