Makes no sense at all...

Hello all,

I've been reading this forum for quite some time now and have finally decided to post as I am feeling more angry, confused, and hurt than ever before and really just need some HELP!

I've been with my MM for over a year now and at first, we had this mutual understanding that we would eventually stop seeing each other. We both knew it was wrong and tried to end it several times, but failed miserably each time. On our last attempt to stop seeing each other (3 months ago), he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and wanted to split up with his wife. He said he realized he was unhappy and had been for a very long time. I told him that I didn't want him to split up because of me (I would just feel so guilty) and he reassured me that it wasn’t. That he knew for himself that his marriage was not working, and even if they tried, they would eventually end up getting a divorce. He asked if I could be there for him, so I agreed.

I asked him many, many times if he was sure this is what he wanted as he has a young child, who I know he loves very much, and he said he thought about it for a long time and had made up his mind. He felt it was better for him and his family to leave an unhappy marriage. So about a week later, he called to say that his wife was moving out only to turn out that she never did. A month later, he said he got kicked out of the house, only to say later in the day that he was just going to go back home. Finally, last week, he moved out but told me it would only be for a week. We spent a blissful week and weekend together, and he told me that he was more sure than ever that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That he wanted to give me his 100% like I deserve and he will make it happen.

I felt scared as he left to go back home, despite all of his words and promises. And I was rightfully so. He called the next morning to say he had to try and work things out with his wife. That she gave him a guilt trip about marriage and the vows that they made to each other, and he would feel guilty if he didn’t at least try to make things work, although he admits it won't work even if he tried. He says needs to try so that he can have a clear conscience. But that he still wanted to be with me, that he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and that has never or will ever change.

He wants me to wait for him while he tries to work things out with his wife. Actually, he wants to “pretend” like he is making an effort to save their marriage so that no one can say he didn’t try. So he still wants to see me, but says he can't as often as we have been (which is everyday). He says he needs to do this for himself, to be able to be with me in the end with a clear head. This just doesn’t make any sense at all to me. If he wants a clear head, shouldn’t he either make a genuine effort to fix things with his wife or just be honest and leave the marriage?

What should I do?? I love him so much, and the thought of losing him scares me and I don’t think I could handle it….

Honestly, I would give some thought to seeing a therapist and figuring out why not having this man in your life is something you can't handle. It might be good to get someone to help untangle what keeps you tied to a man who is pretty clear headed about the fact that while he may be your everything, you clearly are not his. Not fair, eh?

He is not working on his marriage so that he can be with you. He is working on his marriage in order to placate his wife to the point where he can get away with continuing to have an affair.

I know you love him, but not all love is healthy. Let him 'clear' his head, and consider finding someone to talk to who can help you clear yours.

Thanks for your reply, and I actually do have an appt to see a therapist tomorrow. The thing is, I truly believed him when he told me to trust him and that we will be together someday. He sounded so sure, and even now, he tells me this is what he wants and he's not confused in the slightest. He's sure he wants to be with me, but he has to act like he's trying to work on the marriage so when we can be together he will have a clear head. He said he's just going to pretend like he's trying...But I can't understand why he would feel the need to do that??

I don't think he's trying to placate his wife as she doesn't know about us. At first, she felt the same way and admitted she was unhappy as well, but then decided they should work on the marriage and he felt guilty when she reminded him about the vows they made. He says he made a commitment to her and owes it to her to at least try. So why does he feel like its ok to just pretend to try?

I feel like I've invested so much time, love, and emotion into this and I gave him my whole heart and trust, that I can't just walk away from it. I keep telling myself that I'm just being played and what the hell do I see in a married guy with kids who is significantly older than me, who my family would never accept?

He says that I showed him how to be happy, and I feel the same way. I have never felt happier than when I am with him, and I think I'm just scared I'll never be able to feel this way with another man...

He may tell you that he is 'pretending' but honestly - that is just to make sure you don't go anywhere.

One day at a time: get in a good talk with the therapist, and start unravelling your feelings. With enough time and clarity your heart will begin to repair itself and you will be ready to move on and find someone who will offer you all and not just part. I suspect down the road you'll be very happy that you did.

It is a long road to heartbreak recovery though and it won't be easy. Take a step at a time and focus on small goals for now.

I guess I just want to believe him and all of his promises. It's like I refuse to believe he was lying to me and I don't want to think I was just this girl on the side. I want to believe I was more than that, that I AM more than that.

I have this feeling that what he tells me is not true and as you said, I suspect he is only saying he is pretending so I stay with him. I think I know deep down that I shouldn't wait for him, like he's asking me to. He told me to trust him, but he already broke my trust. But I don't think I'm ready to really let go of what we had/ have...Hopefully someday soon, I will be able to let go. I know I'm not getting what I deserve from being in this relationship, and I wish he could just tell me straight that he doesn't want to be with me and he's not leaving his wife. Then I feel like I could move on...He's just giving me this hope and keeping me dangling...

and there is no way I would tell his wife. I also believe that if he wanted to really work things out with her, he needs to be honest and tell her the truth, or else the marriage will only be sustained based on lies. but I would never be the one to tell her...

I wish he could just tell me straight that he doesn't want to be with me and he's not leaving his wife.

That's just it: he does want to be with you. But if he tells you point blank that he wants to be with his wife too he knows that you are not likely to stick around.

Like I said, you have a long road ahead: you have a choice: what is best for him, or what is best for you. Work toward putting yourself first.

That's what I'm trying to do. I want to put myself first. I want to be in a relationship where I am first. I want to be happy.

I just don't know how to do that without thinking about him and wanting to be with him, and thinking that the happiest I've been is with him...Every time I try to think about myself and how this is not what's best for me, I keep thinking, "but if we were together, that would be what's best for us and we would be happy."

Sometimes I feel like I'm just being stupid and not opening my eyes to the reality of this twisted situation, but I can't help thinking about all the good times we shared and the love I see in his eyes when he looks at me and the sincerity in his voice when he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. How do I stop thinking about those things?

He wants me to wait for him while he tries to work things out with his wife. Actually, he wants to “pretend” like he is making an effort to save their marriage so that no one can say he didn’t try. So he still wants to see me, but says he can't as often as we have been (which is everyday). He says he needs to do this for himself, to be able to be with me in the end with a clear head. This just doesn’t make any sense at all to me. If he wants a clear head, shouldn’t he either make a genuine effort to fix things with his wife or just be honest and leave the marriage?

You are right, it doesn't make any sense. This is a man behaving very badly. Even for a MM having an affair, this is really bad behavior. With reasoning like that, it doesn't matter if he is telling the truth or lying, he is showing himself to be completely untrustworthy and callous. However, he is almost certainly lying to both you and his W.

This must be dragging down your own sense of self-worth. As an observer, I can't really understand why any woman would want this man, but since you say you do, I think you need to recognize that there is no sign that he is choosing you. Your best bet would be to do whatever you can to move on, try to get happy without him. If you do that, and he does love you, he could end up trying to win you back after he sees he is loosing you. By that time, you may have enough self-esteem to not want him anyway.

To continue on as you are doing, hoping this man comes to you, will just drag you down further and make you feel you don't deserve someone who treats you well.

woinlove, thank you for your reply, and I have tried to just step back from this situation and see it for what it really is - that he is not choosing me, as you said. But then he says things like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and he knows he'll never be as happy with his wife as he is with me. That he did choose me, he wants to be with me, he just has to do this first...

The more I think about, the more my respect for him diminishes. I thought he was doing a noble, good thing by telling his wife he was unhappy and trying to end the marriage. He said he didn't want to go on lying to his wife and hurting me any longer. But now, he'd rather continue the lies and deliberately hurt me just so he can have a "clear head"? I just don't see how he could possibly have a clear head. It's not fair to his wife to deceive her like that when she is probably genuinely trying to save the marriage and it's certainly not fair to me to drag me along.

Even still, I love him and want him to change his mind and go along with his original plan. There must be something seriously wrong with me, because if I was just reading this from the outside, I wouldn't want to be with this man either. But it's much easier said than done when your heart is not involved, so I hope that I can find the strength to move on from this. I just want to be at a place where I don't care what happens to him. Right now, I'm scared that if I leave, he'll be happy with his wife, and if I stay, we could have been together...I know it sounds dumb, but I'll feel like I'm the one that ruined our chances of being together if I don't stay.

woinlove, thank you for your reply, and I have tried to just step back from this situation and see it for what it really is - that he is not choosing me, as you said. But then he says things like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and he knows he'll never be as happy with his wife as he is with me. That he did choose me, he wants to be with me, he just has to do this first...

I'm not sure his words mean that much. I'd advise you to focus on his actions. His actions show he isn't choosing you.

Even still, I love him and want him to change his mind and go along with his original plan. There must be something seriously wrong with me, because if I was just reading this from the outside, I wouldn't want to be with this man either. But it's much easier said than done when your heart is not involved, so I hope that I can find the strength to move on from this. I just want to be at a place where I don't care what happens to him. Right now, I'm scared that if I leave, he'll be happy with his wife, and if I stay, we could have been together...I know it sounds dumb, but I'll feel like I'm the one that ruined our chances of being together if I don't stay.

I don't think there is something seriously wrong with you. Lots of people get stuck in relationships that are a mix of pain and positive. This tends to erode self-confidence and then you get to the point that you can't imagine life without them. It takes real effort to get to a better place and demand more for yourself. Counselling is a good step.

Yes, there is a chance he would be happy with his wife. However, he has been treating her so terribly that it is difficult to imagine and people tend to want what they can't have or at least what they can't take for granted.

thank you for your insight. have you been in a similar situation?

I tell myself over and over that I deserve better than this, I deserve to find someone who can give me all, and not just part, of them, that I am worth more than just second best. I try to look at just his actions, but if I start to believe that I was just being used/played or whatever, then I think my self-confidence would erode even more. I don't know how I could deal with knowing that that's all I was to him, when he was everything to me.

You're right, I can't imagine life without him and sometimes I feel that being with him the way it is now is better than not seeing him at all. I just wish I could simply not care anymore and be able to move on without feeling like I just let the love of my life go. I can't help but think I may regret it in the future and think that if I had just tried a little harder and stayed with him, maybe we'd be together now.

I know this all sounds silly and I'm probably a fool to even believe his words as they just don't make sense. I'm trying really hard to understand how HE could even think his words make any sense at all, but the more I think about it, the more confused I get...

So sorry you are going through this.

There are several possibilitie here. But in any case you need to tell him that you cant be in touch AT ALL, while he returns to his W.

1. He is terribly insecure and really doesnt know which way is hp and just knows he needs to give it another shot even tho he doesnt think it will work out but cant stand the thought of not being with you during this time.

Cruel to gaslight his W like this. Imagine if you were her, you thought your H saw the light and came home and didnt know he was seeing OW. Not fair to you at all. Not fair to anyone but him.

2. He is not confused and is so insecure that he needs the world to think he gave it another chance and is being terribly cruel to his W. Imagine if you were her, you thought your H saw the light and came home and didnt know he was seeing OW and had no intention of making a go of it.

3. He intends to make a go of it but lacks the b*lls to tell you he wants to have you as plan B if he and his W cant actually make it work (this could be subconscious rather than conscious but hes spilled the beans by asking you to be there while he explores his options).

Tell him you are NOT the OW anymore. You love him and understand he needs to give his marriage a chance but so long as he feels that he must go back YOU need to know hes given it a REAL last chance because you cant go through this flip flopping again. Tell him he should not contact you until he has made a REAL choice that he is SURE of about what he wants to do.

He may truly be conflicted. If he is, and you see him while he is "pretending", then if he does leave again you have no assurance he wont in 6 months time again say, well, I didnt give it a real chance, we were still seeing each other.

You need to protect you and if you want the best for this man you need to support his efforts to be clear in what he is doing with his future (both for you and for him).

Its a tough road and I cant imagine how painful it is. But you will be OK. What is meant to be, will be (cliche I know but true). You must resist the urge to "be there" for him while he is back with his W. Hes with his W. Thats not anywhere you need to be either for him or for you.

Hang in there. If not him, someone better for you.

jj33, thank you for your reply and advice. I asked him if he was just confused about what he wanted, and if he was, then I could give him space to figure things out. But he says he's not confused, he knows what he wants - and that's me. But that in order for him to be "truly happy" with me and live his life with me with a clear conscience, he has to make it seem like he tried. I agree that this is terribly cruel to his W, and I told him so. I told him that this is not going to "clear his head" and he is only being unfair to both me and her.

I also think he needs to give his marriage a REAL chance, not just pretend. He says that she is his wife and he made a commitment to her, so he owes it to her to at least try. I could totally understand that, but to PRETEND like he's trying? He doesn't owe it to her to put on a show, lie to her, and deceive her while she's putting in a sincere effort and doesn't know about me and his indiscretions. I don't want to be a part of that anymore. I think I would be the one with a guilty conscience if I continued to see him. He told me many times before not to feel guilty because this was his decision, and he was ending the marriage because he believed it was over and they were both unhappy. But now, I just don't see him the same. He's not doing a good thing, or the right thing by simply "pretending." Not that he was when he was seeing me, but at least I thought he was trying to do the right thing by ending his marriage with integrity.

And what I would like to know is, where the heck was this guilty conscience in the year he had been seeing me behind her back?? Where was his "commitment" then? Where did this sudden epiphany come from?

It just baffles me, and I think that's another reason it's so hard to get over. I feel like I've been slapped in the face...

Thats the thing. Yes he was playing his W during the A but we are past that now.

To play her again? SO wrong. What is the reason for that. Hes playing someone and it sounds like its both of you. Or hes just confused.

Much as knowing WHY makes it easier to handle, this is a case where WHY doesnt matter. Back away from teh car as they say.

Nothing to see here until you know that they have decided to file for divorce.

This isnt a matter of love, its a matter of integrity. And if hes going to keep up the lies, you dont want to be a part of that. You want to move forward honestly and not go back to being the OW which is where he is putting you.

Listen to your gut, its giving you good advice

jj33, thank you for your reply and advice. I asked him if he was just confused about what he wanted, and if he was, then I could give him space to figure things out. But he says he's not confused, he knows what he wants - and that's me. But that in order for him to be "truly happy" with me and live his life with me with a clear conscience, he has to make it seem like he tried. I agree that this is terribly cruel to his W, and I told him so. I told him that this is not going to "clear his head" and he is only being unfair to both me and her.

 

I also think he needs to give his marriage a REAL chance, not just pretend. He says that she is his wife and he made a commitment to her, so he owes it to her to at least try. I could totally understand that, but to PRETEND like he's trying? He doesn't owe it to her to put on a show, lie to her, and deceive her while she's putting in a sincere effort and doesn't know about me and his indiscretions. I don't want to be a part of that anymore. I think I would be the one with a guilty conscience if I continued to see him. He told me many times before not to feel guilty because this was his decision, and he was ending the marriage because he believed it was over and they were both unhappy. But now, I just don't see him the same. He's not doing a good thing, or the right thing by simply "pretending." Not that he was when he was seeing me, but at least I thought he was trying to do the right thing by ending his marriage with integrity.

 

And what I would like to know is, where the heck was this guilty conscience in the year he had been seeing me behind her back?? Where was his "commitment" then? Where did this sudden epiphany come from?

 

It just baffles me, and I think that's another reason it's so hard to get over. I feel like I've been slapped in the face...

That was a very truthful post. You totally understand the situation for what it is so now you have to do what is right and leave him. If it really is you. If he really wants you, when you LEAVE under no uncertain terms that you will not be back until his relationship is over with hs wife, he will leave his wife and come for you. Right now he has no reason to leave his wife because he can still keep you too. Do not give him that option. He can't pretend to work on a marriage and have you too and you know that. Be happy your eyes opened early on to this.

woinlove, thank you for your reply, and I have tried to just step back from this situation and see it for what it really is - that he is not choosing me, as you said. But then he says things like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and he knows he'll never be as happy with his wife as he is with me. That he did choose me, he wants to be with me, he just has to do this first...

 

The more I think about, the more my respect for him diminishes. I thought he was doing a noble, good thing by telling his wife he was unhappy and trying to end the marriage. He said he didn't want to go on lying to his wife and hurting me any longer. But now, he'd rather continue the lies and deliberately hurt me just so he can have a "clear head"? I just don't see how he could possibly have a clear head. It's not fair to his wife to deceive her like that when she is probably genuinely trying to save the marriage and it's certainly not fair to me to drag me along.

 

Even still, I love him and want him to change his mind and go along with his original plan. There must be something seriously wrong with me, because if I was just reading this from the outside, I wouldn't want to be with this man either. But it's much easier said than done when your heart is not involved, so I hope that I can find the strength to move on from this. I just want to be at a place where I don't care what happens to him. Right now, I'm scared that if I leave, he'll be happy with his wife, and if I stay, we could have been together...I know it sounds dumb, but I'll feel like I'm the one that ruined our chances of being together if I don't stay.

The only thing standing out to me' is that you don't get a clear head or conscience that you gave it your best shot and did everything in your power to make it work IF you don't stop doing the wrong things. At least my mm always broke it off when he said he had to at least try, even if it never lasted, I knew in his heart what was the right thing. Your mm is trying to gaslight her into thinking he tried with the intent of leaving anyway? If she doesn't know about the A then there should be no more last ditch effort...all he has to say is I have tried, over and over again, and both my head and my heart know that it's over.

I'm sorry but I don't buy into it. Though I do believe maybe he believes it. But what they don't admit is they go home, they have these talks with w, and they do it because it's what emotionally they want. Don't let him fool you, they want their wives to fight for the R. It strokes their ego. Then they feel guilty for making her fight for it and feel they owe it to her. He is thinking about two people here, but you're not one of them. Please don't waste anymore time waiting.

 

What should I do?? I love him so much, and the thought of losing him scares me and I don’t think I could handle it….

newsflash....he is a cheater and a liar. if this is what you can't live without, then if you ever do get together, expect there to be another OW in the future when your relationship isn't new and exciting any longer.

thank you for your insight. have you been in a similar situation?

I've been an OW several times, but I never got that attached to any of my MM. Lots of women do though.

Hello all,

 

I've been reading this forum for quite some time now and have finally decided to post as I am feeling more angry, confused, and hurt than ever before and really just need some HELP!

 

I've been with my MM for over a year now and at first, we had this mutual understanding that we would eventually stop seeing each other. We both knew it was wrong and tried to end it several times, but failed miserably each time. On our last attempt to stop seeing each other (3 months ago), he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and wanted to split up with his wife. He said he realized he was unhappy and had been for a very long time. I told him that I didn't want him to split up because of me (I would just feel so guilty) and he reassured me that it wasn’t. That he knew for himself that his marriage was not working, and even if they tried, they would eventually end up getting a divorce. He asked if I could be there for him, so I agreed.

 

 

I asked him many, many times if he was sure this is what he wanted as he has a young child, who I know he loves very much, and he said he thought about it for a long time and had made up his mind. He felt it was better for him and his family to leave an unhappy marriage. So about a week later, he called to say that his wife was moving out only to turn out that she never did. A month later, he said he got kicked out of the house, only to say later in the day that he was just going to go back home. Finally, last week, he moved out but told me it would only be for a week. We spent a blissful week and weekend together, and he told me that he was more sure than ever that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That he wanted to give me his 100% like I deserve and he will make it happen.

 

 

I felt scared as he left to go back home, despite all of his words and promises. And I was rightfully so. He called the next morning to say he had to try and work things out with his wife. That she gave him a guilt trip about marriage and the vows that they made to each other, and he would feel guilty if he didn’t at least try to make things work, although he admits it won't work even if he tried. He says needs to try so that he can have a clear conscience. But that he still wanted to be with me, that he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and that has never or will ever change.

 

 

 

He wants me to wait for him while he tries to work things out with his wife. Actually, he wants to “pretend” like he is making an effort to save their marriage so that no one can say he didn’t try. So he still wants to see me, but says he can't as often as we have been (which is everyday). He says he needs to do this for himself, to be able to be with me in the end with a clear head. This just doesn’t make any sense at all to me. If he wants a clear head, shouldn’t he either make a genuine effort to fix things with his wife or just be honest and leave the marriage?

 

 

 

What should I do?? I love him so much, and the thought of losing him scares me and I don’t think I could handle it….

hey girl I am so sorry u going through this right now.... I am also going through the same problems.....it seems like I'm reading my whole life from this post...... My MM and I even started talking about if we should move in together right away or should he get his own place after his D... for at least 6 mths..... All I can say to u is that u an u alone know ur MM and u know his heart and u know how the situation is....i can't tell u what to do but I will tell u what I think I'm gonna do...

I think that I will wait for at least 1-2 mths to see how things are going because we recently had a dday about 4 days ago..... We are still in contact with each other but not for long periods.... I am trying to stay busy but yet available for him ....I don't want to regret not waiting for him or waiting for nothing at the same time....please let me know what's happenig with u

I don't want to regret not waiting for him or waiting for nothing at the same time....

This is exactly how I feel! I don't want to regret not waiting for him, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in this exact same place in a year from now. The more I think about this situation, the more I realize he is not the kind of man I want to marry. He's just a big liar and coward, and I think I will tell him that today.

At the moment, we are still in contact and still seeing each other every day (although it's only been 3 days). It's easier said than done, but I think I'm going to tell him that if he's going to continue lying to his wife, hurting me, and is unable to grow the b*lls to do something for himself, then he's not the man I thought he was. If he needs to keep up the lies for himself, then I should be able to do something for MYSELF and be with someone who can give me 100%.

Sexiness, I'm sorry you have to go through this too. I don't know if you feel this way, but I feel like I can't let go of our future together. All the plans and dreams we had about our future, and then to have that taken away with just one phone call? But you know what, his wife must be thinking the exact same thing. She had plans and dreams and hopes about their future together, too. And now that's being taken away from her...I feel so bad about that, but I also think that it's only fair to her for him to tell her the truth and get out of the marriage, or to actually TRY and make things work.

If we help each other stay strong, I'm sure we can pull through this. We deserve better than this. I often wonder how I'm okay with this situation, but it's so easy to tell that to your self than to actually believe it and walk away. We put so much time, effort, and gave our whole heart to these men, that it's hard to just walk away. We want to feel like all that pain we've endured all this time will be justified when he leaves his wife to be with us, and if we're the ones that leave, all that pain and heartache would have been for nothing...

I'm going to see my therapist today, so I'll keep you updated afterwards.

I'm sorry but I don't buy into it. Though I do believe maybe he believes it. But what they don't admit is they go home, they have these talks with w, and they do it because it's what emotionally they want. Don't let him fool you, they want their wives to fight for the R. It strokes their ego. Then they feel guilty for making her fight for it and feel they owe it to her. He is thinking about two people here, but you're not one of them. Please don't waste anymore time waiting.

I've asked him if working things out with his wife is what he really wants, and if it is, then fine, I'll let him go. But he says it's not what he WANTS, it's something he has to do. That what he really wants is to be with me, and he knows he'll never be happy with his wife even if they try. So he has to at least "pretend" to try. WTH?? I can handle it (although probably not very well) if he says he would rather be with her, because then there's nothing I can do. I HAVE to let it go. I just don't get why he wants to continue to string me along??

How many times did your MM do this to you? If I stay with him, I can totally picture him saying the same thing again. I trusted him when he said we were going to be together, and he's asking me to trust him now - that we'll still be together. But how can I when I know he's fooling his wife for no reason other than for his "conscience," which apparently is messed up if he thinks this is the right thing. He broke his trust and made me lose respect for him, but I know that my feelings for him are very strong and I might cave and end up waiting.

I hope you all can keep me away from this relationship, which I know will only hurt me. I keep trying to think about his wife, about me and my life, but I know when he calls and tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me, my heart will just melt...

Thats the thing. Yes he was playing his W during the A but we are past that now.

 

To play her again? SO wrong. What is the reason for that. Hes playing someone and it sounds like its both of you. Or hes just confused.

 

Much as knowing WHY makes it easier to handle, this is a case where WHY doesnt matter. Back away from teh car as they say.

I agree, it is very wrong for him to be playing his wife AGAIN, and for what, I have no idea. And yes, if I knew the "why," it would make it so much easier because I just keep going over and over it in my head, trying to make sense of it. I think you're right, and I should back away and not try to understand, as it is very likely I never will...

We all want to understand the why. I saw xMM again v recently and said I mentioned something very generally and he said that was all my fault and I was about to ask "why" then why did you do it and i realized it doesnt really matter. He did it, he knows it was wrong what good would knowing why do me?

It would only lead to more questions and the answer will always be the same in the end, because thats what he chose to do at the time, thats just the kind of man I fell in love with...

We only ask why so we can rationalize behavior that is painful. You have the opportunity to see this any way you want to.

Im sure he does love you very much (else why would he want to keep seeing you). But love isnt enough. not when he is playing with peoples feelings like this and returning to his wife.

He has TOLD you and SHOWN you what he wants.

He wants to stay married and still secretly see you.

You dont have to decipher or figure that out.

All you need to decide is what you want. What you are comfortable with.

It would only lead to more questions and the answer will always be the same in the end, because thats what he chose to do at the time, thats just the kind of man I fell in love with...

And I guess that's the kind of man I fell in love with too. I keep trying to make him realize that this is not the right choice, that he should do the decent, right thing and either REALLY try working things out with his wife or be honest with her and the end the marriage. But I realize that no matter what I say to him, it doesn't matter, because in the end it is HIS choice.

I can't keep trying to change his mind, as much as I wish he would. I guess I'm just trying to live a fantasy and hope for a happy ending when there probably won't be one for me and him. That's all this was really based on anyways, right? Hopes and dreams and "what could be", but never anything REAL or "what is". This was never a real relationship, as much as I believed it to be and I think if I keep telling myself that, I can get over this. Thank you all for your support and advice.