I can't be myself

Hey all,

I feel like I can't be myself. I feel like I can only be myself with the people that I really know. I feel like I am disconnected with everybody, and it's as though, no matter what I do, I can't trust people. People sense this, and they are kind of 'scared' of me. I so want to confront this, and deal with this, but it's like I can't.

My only salvation is to drink, and when I drink I feel free, but when I'm not drinking, I feel reserved, scared, afraid of everything. I feel as though I know 'why' I feel like this, but there is no way for me to deal with this, and I feel afraid 90% of the time. I am not dealing with nothing in my life. All I am concerned about is what others think of me, and how I can be a 'perfect' person, which I know is an unattainable goal. My mind is constantly shaking, confused, I cannot figure anything out. I have been feeling like this for over 4 years, and I feel as if there is no way out.

Sometimes, I just want to kill myself, to let all of this go away. Sometimes, I feel depressed, and sometimes I don't, I just feel empty, like I have nothing. It's so hard, going about this... I'm supposed to act like everything's normal, but it's not, and there's so many things going on in my mind, and I just kind of ignore them, to let everything go away...

I feel crazy....

I think I have PTSD, from going to military school, and I think I have anxiety, from being treated badly as a child... What am I supposed to do.... It's like no one really cares about me. I don't have anyone in this world to support me. No one. I'm so tired of dealing with this BS.

you need to get to a doc. right away

It is not always as simple as " going to a doctor and getting help", sky dive addict.

At times in my depression, I have thought a lot about suicide, and hated when ppl in online chatrooms were like " go to the emergency room now and get help". Not that simple.

Some ppl cannot afford to see a doctor, or they have to wait weeks or even months on waiting lists. Seeing a psychologist is another battle altogether - and it is hard to find a good one, at the best of times.

Although it IS possible for the author of this thread to GET HELP. If they are patient and persever until they get the help that they deserve.

In the meantime; LOGICALLY, do you KNOW that there are things worthwhile about yourself, that makes YOURSElf good enough? Do you LIKE who you are?

If you are happy with your career direction, weather you are a nice person, and if you are physically fit and healthy, then THOSE are all good things about yourself that are WORTH exposing to people.

Are you worried about being yourself? You sound a little like me in some respects; I like who I am, and I DESPERATLY want to just be myself around others!

However, I have also felt in the past, that I just could not be myself. It turns out, I just needed to work on myself a bit more, because I was not entirely sure of who I was, and how to acuratel;y project it.

I do not trust many people either, but I at least feel like I can judge who the ppl I cannot trust are; I tend to sense people who are not the right fit for me.

You NEED PROFESSIONL HELP with your anxiety. Do you sleep? I have had insomnia on and off for 4 years due to my own anxiety, which is to do with a different issue for me.

Your millitary training could have caused it, among other things in your life. Unfortunately, the only hope you have of over comming this, is to seek professional help.

It can take months to find the right psychologist, and to figure the payment options and etc. In the meantime, all you can do is try to build yourself up as a person, and try to work on yourself, try to find ways to be even smarter/funnier/kinder.

I find that the more I achiave as a person, and the more things I have going for me in life, the more easy it is to be myself ( because i am working on ways to make myself a more worthwhile person)

ALthough you could already have achieved a lot career wise and personally, and your problem may have nothing to do with the fulfillment in your life.

The bottom line, is that you NEED professional help. Only use sites like this as advice, while you set up the help/ see a doctor/ find a psychologist.

Although, even people who do not need therapy, who are reletively stable, find it hard to be themselves at times. So that in and of itself, is nto necessarily a reason to seek professional help.

However, with your history, and the way you came across in your post, it does sound like you could potentially need help.

Hey all,

I feel like I can't be myself. I feel like I can only be myself with the people that I really know. I feel like I am disconnected with everybody, and it's as though, no matter what I do, I can't trust people. People sense this, and they are kind of 'scared' of me. I so want to confront this, and deal with this, but it's like I can't.

 

My only salvation is to drink, and when I drink I feel free, but when I'm not drinking, I feel reserved, scared, afraid of everything. I feel as though I know 'why' I feel like this, but there is no way for me to deal with this, and I feel afraid 90% of the time. I am not dealing with nothing in my life. All I am concerned about is what others think of me, and how I can be a 'perfect' person, which I know is an unattainable goal. My mind is constantly shaking, confused, I cannot figure anything out. I have been feeling like this for over 4 years, and I feel as if there is no way out.

 

Sometimes, I just want to kill myself, to let all of this go away. Sometimes, I feel depressed, and sometimes I don't, I just feel empty, like I have nothing. It's so hard, going about this... I'm supposed to act like everything's normal, but it's not, and there's so many things going on in my mind, and I just kind of ignore them, to let everything go away...

I feel crazy....

I think I have PTSD, from going to military school, and I think I have anxiety, from being treated badly as a child... What am I supposed to do.... It's like no one really cares about me. I don't have anyone in this world to support me. No one. I'm so tired of dealing with this BS.

Hey Dooda, sounds like you need to build some kind of support system for yourself. There is a way out. I've gone from suicide attempt via alcoholism to a relatively normalized existence. It's taken me counseling, anti-depressants, physical exercise, soul searching, various meditative practices, reading different stuff that was useful for me, making various life style changes, and falling flat on my face multiple times. I think the key is to face it head on and just treat it as the piece of work that it is. It's hard, and it's easier said than done, but definitely possible.

Have you tried counseling or medication?

My therapist helped me write up a Safety Plan for when I was feeling suicidal.

1. List: things you enjoy doing by yourself eg reading, painting, a playlist of your fave feel-good songs

2. Call your friends - select up to 3 close friends who know you are struggling and ask them to be safety persons

3. Call a free counselling hotline and talk to them

4. If after all that, you are still not feeling better, you need to take yourself to a safe place. A friends place, parents house, beach - wherever you feel safe that isn't your house

5. If that still doesn't work, go to the ER for your own safety.

After following that plan, I have not made it back to hospital. I manage to pull myself out of it by following the plan.

Hope it helps somewhat

Dooda, have you gotten away from your abusive family yet?

If you recall, I was trying to help you on your other thread in the family section.

I really think putting distance between your self and your FOO (family of origin) is going to bring about a lot of positive changes for you.

My fear is that you are internalizing all the negative messages they've been projecting onto you for so many years.The faults they claim that YOU have, are actually their OWN faults, that they can't face in themselves.

Please, please, don't let them define your self-esteem for you.

OXO - It is not always as simple as calling a friend, or walking into the ER. People who r suicidle may nto be able to do the things stated in your lists...

Serious, on going, long term therapy is often needed, sometimes whilst the patient is confined to a hospital; but if a person is suicidle and at home, they may not be bothered to do something positive, given that they want to die.

Unless the person is in the care of professionals and is in therapy, it is not realistic to expect a suiclde person to just call a friend and do something positive when they are in the midst of wanting to die.

Thanks all for your positive responses.

Freestyle, I have gotten away from my Family, but I think that it's part of the issue.

I am trying to escape their 'grasp', but it's like I'm so alone in doing so...

When I wrote the first post, I was slightly tipsy, and able to let off what I feel easier than if I was sober.

I know what they did to me was abuse, but it's like I can't believe it. For 18 years, I thought it was normal, and that everything that was going on in my mind was my fault. I was internalizing everything, and I understand this. It's so hard to let go and say: "It's not my fault" after having internalized everything for 18 years. My Dad would say stuff like: If I get a heart attack, it's your fault. My mom would say: All the problems in this family are because of you. My brother was another case. I don't think he truly understood what he was doing to me and he thought of it as 'normal' because that is the way he was raised. He thinks it's alright to beat someone, and to call him piece of **** just because 'he has the right to do so as my bigger brother'. He was abused, and in turn he would abuse me to let out all of his anger and feelings.

I think the problem is that I spend so much time worrying about others, what others think of me, that I spend no time on improving and helping MYself. I have to constantly and consistently be perfect in everything that I do, whether it be my hobbies, work, or even social contact...

I feel as though I've messed up.

One negative comment is the end of the world for me, one positive comment translates into a negative comment in my mind, and I can't seem to take anything positively.

Hey all,

I feel like I can't be myself. I feel like I can only be myself with the people that I really know. I feel like I am disconnected with everybody, and it's as though, no matter what I do, I can't trust people. People sense this, and they are kind of 'scared' of me. I so want to confront this, and deal with this, but it's like I can't.

 

My only salvation is to drink, and when I drink I feel free, but when I'm not drinking, I feel reserved, scared, afraid of everything. I feel as though I know 'why' I feel like this, but there is no way for me to deal with this, and I feel afraid 90% of the time. I am not dealing with nothing in my life. All I am concerned about is what others think of me, and how I can be a 'perfect' person, which I know is an unattainable goal. My mind is constantly shaking, confused, I cannot figure anything out. I have been feeling like this for over 4 years, and I feel as if there is no way out.

 

Sometimes, I just want to kill myself, to let all of this go away. Sometimes, I feel depressed, and sometimes I don't, I just feel empty, like I have nothing. It's so hard, going about this... I'm supposed to act like everything's normal, but it's not, and there's so many things going on in my mind, and I just kind of ignore them, to let everything go away...

I feel crazy....

I think I have PTSD, from going to military school, and I think I have anxiety, from being treated badly as a child... What am I supposed to do.... It's like no one really cares about me. I don't have anyone in this world to support me. No one. I'm so tired of dealing with this BS.

Read Pat Conroy

My Losing Season

Hey all,

I feel like I can't be myself. I feel like I can only be myself with the people that I really know. I feel like I am disconnected with everybody, and it's as though, no matter what I do, I can't trust people. People sense this, and they are kind of 'scared' of me. I so want to confront this, and deal with this, but it's like I can't.

 

My only salvation is to drink, and when I drink I feel free, but when I'm not drinking, I feel reserved, scared, afraid of everything. I feel as though I know 'why' I feel like this, but there is no way for me to deal with this, and I feel afraid 90% of the time. I am not dealing with nothing in my life. All I am concerned about is what others think of me, and how I can be a 'perfect' person, which I know is an unattainable goal. My mind is constantly shaking, confused, I cannot figure anything out. I have been feeling like this for over 4 years, and I feel as if there is no way out.

 

Sometimes, I just want to kill myself, to let all of this go away. Sometimes, I feel depressed, and sometimes I don't, I just feel empty, like I have nothing. It's so hard, going about this... I'm supposed to act like everything's normal, but it's not, and there's so many things going on in my mind, and I just kind of ignore them, to let everything go away...

I feel crazy....

I think I have PTSD, from going to military school, and I think I have anxiety, from being treated badly as a child... What am I supposed to do.... It's like no one really cares about me. I don't have anyone in this world to support me. No one. I'm so tired of dealing with this BS.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you sound a lot like myself and many I know--- Who I always believed we just have simple insecurity/low self esteem... and ... I think lot of it has to do with things you know but don't want to admit.

An obvious one is we don't like who we are, what we are, what we look like, etc... and so, that COMFORT we got from the ones we knew.. was awesome. But around anyone else, you're on your own, with nothing but your physical exterior and personality.

And it's scary, because it's like going out to battle with a BB gun and anxiety.

Again correct me if I'm wrong-- but as I go through this, as many I know go through this... all seem in denial except me?!?

This society.. you got to be the s**t. You got to be hot, cool, spunky.. outgoing.. trendy, you got to know what's up, you got to know the right people, you got to.. the list goes on.

I feel/hear/see these problems all the time and it seems people want to be so PC about it, like 'see a doc'.

9/10 it's due to looks, race, height, weight, social class, or some stupid artificial materialistic reason.