Told MM about my pregnancy

You have to talk to a lawyer to know numbers in your case, but in my case since it is all I have to offer so far as ideas or numbers. Obviously, just where I am.

My ex makes 150k a year. I am not working. So, normally support is based on what both of you make. The further the deviation the more the support. My husband pays 2200/mo (backed up by a life insurance policy with my son as the beneficiary), must keep his son, as his dependent, on his work policy. Health care and childcare are based on percentage income... So if he makes 75% of the combined income of the two of you, he pays 75% of the childcare and you pay 25%. It's not a lot of money but it's comfortable enough. That's just child support, not alimony, so I don't see why it would be different in this kind of case.

My love who is actually wealthy (and is far outpaying his obligation in any case) and who's family lives north of the border is obligated to much more.

So, I wouldn't assume without talking to a lawyer that finances will ruin you. In fact, if you are going to school and not working - he might have to pay all of childcare for his child.

I don't know where you all so of course this all varies.

And since my ex threatened, as my lawyer told me, in the US it is very unlikely for a biological mother to lose physical custody without grave danger to the child. A few lies won't do that. Proof and severe circumstance. He could fight you for it, but he would lose. And doesn't sound like the guy wants that anyhow.

And I found other than childcare and being a little creative, raising a baby is not that expensive. College fund probably second biggest for me. You can get used stuff, cheap furniture and clothes, way cheaper than stores... I did cloth diapering and breastfed as primary nutrition for the first year as recommended... and then used homemade foods not the prepackaged crap, and it all ended up quite cheap. Park is free, lots of kids activities are cheap, and the real thing they NEED is to interact with them a lot. So if he is obligated to a lot of the childcare costs (depending on your area and incomes) you might be surprised. I thought it would be far more expensive than it was.

Half of his income is her's;

Not necessarily true - depends on the state.

she should not have to unknowingly pay that on someone else's child.

The W will likely notice the 900.00 month smaller checks.

And SHE isn't paying - HE is. DO NOT assume that marital assets are shared - they may not be based on state law or presence of a pre-nup.

My main point is don't assume.

But you slept with her husband, and want to hide the aftermath from her. Based on your character alone, I would not choose you to be a mother.

Uncalled for.

I also think that as a taxpayer, I should not have to pay for your and your MM's mistake.

Again you ASSUME taxpayers will pay one red cent.

And lets face it, we ALL pay for programs we do not necessarily agree with - get over it already and let it drop - especially since we do not KNOW that is the case.

So... She can cause some trouble.

No. If N goes to court and follows the local laws, there is NOTHING the W can do. Period. She can hate it all she wants but this ISNT about the W. Its about supporting the child which, like or not, is HIS responsibility.

Every case you mention REQUIRES the mother's consent. IF N does NOT consent, the W can go suck an egg.

That, I PROMISE you, is how the law works in Texas.

The lesson here is that if she finds out, she has the ability to make your life hell.

Again, stop projecting. The W has NO influence over the courts. None. Her presence is not even required in court. She's a non-entity in child support because SHE isn't the mother.

And if the W chooses to be nasty, she can think about in jail. For violating the protective orders against her should it come to that.

If she's smart and divorces him, then he'll have three kids for which to pay CS. Two of those kids will probably hate you and their half-sibling for ruining their lives and hurting their Mommy. Do you think MM will make your life easy? You ruined his life. Though he's half responsible, he won't be friendly about it. Does you child deserve a father that resents it?

More assumptions.

Your predictions of the future are as valid as mine, which says it will all be rainbows and honey.

This is a pointless exercise so lets drop it.

I am sorry if I have offended you, but if you think you can disregard the BS in this, you are wrong.

Ask a lawyer in your area...but the BS likely has no recourse other than some ugly tirades. Which can be ended with a protective order.

The W cannot demand anything of the court.

The W cannot demand anything of N.

The W has no legal right or claim over the child.

The W, like I said earlier, can go suck an egg (which has the added benefit of shutting her up).

N, this is between you and the MM. Of course it affects the W but this thread isn't about her...its about N and the baby. In THAT, the W is a non-actor.

OK...now I'm going home...

Well BalenciagaSpain, I too was a BS (betrayed spouse). And my opinion is quite opposite of yours..

I welcome this child into the world .. And of all the single mothers I know, and have seen out there - the odds wouldn't be very great of fitting into the drastic molds you and others have for this story.. In other words, Most mothers are raising their own children...

There seem to be many on here who wish to push their opinions toward giving up, or abortion - as you have done and with radical inference to back up their opinions.

As I recall, Noelle never asked if posters thought she should have an abortion.

You have to talk to a lawyer to know numbers in your case, but in my case since it is all I have to offer so far as ideas or numbers. Obviously, just where I am.

 

My ex makes 150k a year. I am not working. So, normally support is based on what both of you make. The further the deviation the more the support. My husband pays 2200/mo (backed up by a life insurance policy with my son as the beneficiary), must keep his son, as his dependent, on his work policy. Health care and childcare are based on percentage income... So if he makes 75% of the combined income of the two of you, he pays 75% of the childcare and you pay 25%. It's not a lot of money but it's comfortable enough. That's just child support, not alimony, so I don't see why it would be different in this kind of case.

 

My love who is actually wealthy (and is far outpaying his obligation in any case) and who's family lives north of the border is obligated to much more.

 

So, I wouldn't assume without talking to a lawyer that finances will ruin you. In fact, if you are going to school and not working - he might have to pay all of childcare for his child.

 

I don't know where you all so of course this all varies.

 

And since my ex threatened, as my lawyer told me, in the US it is very unlikely for a biological mother to lose physical custody without grave danger to the child. A few lies won't do that. Proof and severe circumstance. He could fight you for it, but he would lose. And doesn't sound like the guy wants that anyhow.

 

And I found other than childcare and being a little creative, raising a baby is not that expensive. College fund probably second biggest for me. You can get used stuff, cheap furniture and clothes, way cheaper than stores... I did cloth diapering and breastfed as primary nutrition for the first year as recommended... and then used homemade foods not the prepackaged crap, and it all ended up quite cheap. Park is free, lots of kids activities are cheap, and the real thing they NEED is to interact with them a lot. So if he is obligated to a lot of the childcare costs (depending on your area and incomes) you might be surprised. I thought it would be far more expensive than it was.

Be careful of advice about custody -- a friend is a custodial SM to her H's child from his first marriage that HE got custody of -- good lawyers can do a lot and good lawyers cost money. It wasn't a case of unfit parent, it was a case of who was better able to provide for the child (stability, siblings, etc). So please be careful of stating the father CANNOT get custody; because he can.

I also have another friend who just remarried and her H has custody of his 3 kids and he has had custody since his youngest (who is 9) was 6 months old. Again, good lawyers can produce results.

I found raising a child quite expensive actually. Glad you found it not so expensive. Many people don't breast feed and many don't use cloth diapers First year isn't that bad, but once they get up and get going, and into school .... school is expensive as hell, even public schools. Supplies each year are around $300 where I am and that doesn't include clothes or other necessities.

Oh sheesh people! This is the 21st century and the time of universal healthcare!

Noelle, I want you to make a decision that is best for YOU. If you are seriously considering going through with the pregnancy it doesn't mean your life will end. It does mean it will change, though.

My BFF got pregnant when she was almost 18. Now her BF did marry her and she had the baby. They divorced 10 years later, but my BFF went to a UC school and got a doctorate in Psychology. So just because you're not done with school now, doesn't mean you won't be able to finish.

Where there is a will, there is a way. Focus on what's important to you and make the decision that you can live with.

GEL

 

I am sorry if I have offended you, but if you think you can disregard the BS in this, you are wrong.[/quote

 

 

Noelle,

 

If you are taking these so called circumstances seriously, you can call around and find an attorney who will give you a free consultation. This should give you information regarding your complete rights as the mother.

I stated my opinion, just as you have. The girl has options. One option causes undue stress to many people: the mother, the baby as it grows up, the OW's parents who will have to chip in, the BS, her kids, and who cares but the MM too.

The other option causes temporary stress to only one person, the OW.

 

Face it, only one person at this time wants this baby, and even that person isn't sure. Why be an undue burden when she doesn't have to be. She's young. She can have children the right way when she gets married. If she were to do a pro's and con's list for abortion, the pro's would be a rational laundry list. The con's for abortion would be basically one based upon emotion.

 

.

What would be your reasoning for "emotion" or "cons"? Would it be as a betrayed spouse. Your reasoning seems like bitterness, regardless.

IIRC, from reading Shadow's thread, and it was something that surprised me because of the confusion between actual clinic practice and publicized methodology, PP wouldn't consider *any* form of abortion for her until scans confirmed clear implantation, around 9-10 weeks, or later, within the first trimester. I had thought mifepristone was indicated for earlier terminations, but evidently that was incorrect.

This reality means that the OP has plenty of time to *clearly* and *methodically* examine her options, physical, emotional, and legal and was the basis for my advice to take things one day at a time and in an incremental order to prevent becoming overwhelmed, and to completely ignore the MM dynamic, which is irrelevant to her current circumstance. He's proven by his actions why he is to be irrelevant. Hopefully she's getting proper professional help and will update us with her progress.

Y'all are fighting among yourselves. Has anyone even NOTICED that Noelle hasnt posted since she went to the doctor today? Noone is even responding to her anymore you are responding to each other.

Noelle I hope you are OK.

Y'all are fighting among yourselves. Has anyone even NOTICED that Noelle hasnt posted since she went to the doctor today? Noone is even responding to her anymore you are responding to each other.

 

Noelle I hope you are OK.

I honestly can't believe that adults can't control themselves... START YOUR OWN THREAD.

I hope things went well after seeing your GYN, Noelle.

Y'all are fighting among yourselves. Has anyone even NOTICED that Noelle hasnt posted since she went to the doctor today? Noone is even responding to her anymore you are responding to each other.

 

Noelle I hope you are OK.

Her health care professional probably told her the first thing she needs to do is lower the stress in her life and clear her mind by getting off the d@mn "opinion" board! I'm not sure I would disagree with that.

Noelle, I, too, hope you are well.

If the OP chooses to have this child and demand support from the father, the fathers wife deserves to know. Period. Sorry you don't agree.

BBM.

Where did I say that?

More assumptions....

I've been raising a daughter by myself for the past 12 years. It was not an affair with a MM but a dating relationship. Her father abandoned me/her after I told him I was pregnant. At that time, I already had an 11 yo son whose father had stopped paying child support. I was living off my retirement savings from a prior job, going to college full-time in an attempt to obtain a degree when the pregnancy occurred. I was 32 yo so a lot older than you OP. One thing I have learned - there isn't a court nor a Judge in the world who can make a man pay child support if he is determined to NOT pay. There are still employers who will help a man circumvent the law. My daughter's father pays sporadically when the state catches up with him.

So I have some experience with how hard it can be to raise a child alone. Nothing, let me repeat, NOTHING is impossible! Money, imo, should NOT influence whether or not a pregnant woman gives birth and raises her child. Yes I said it!! There are plenty or resources available to families today.

I quit school and accepted an entry level position at a small company. I relied on my parents for housing for a few years. Today I'm the VP of that company and I expect to be completely debt free within 12 to 18 months.

It was very hard at times. There was more than one occasion when I sit with a pile of bills and cried because I didn't know how I would pay them. I drove a car that was 13 years old until it literally died on the street one day. The worst of it was never the money. The worst part is that my daughter hasn't had a father figure in her life. She has never even met her father. I worry about the long term affect that will have on her. Children need their fathers and only bad fathers should be kept from their children.

Most importantly, my daughter is an amazing person. She is quite happy, intelligent, and very funny. She has brought me much happiness. The good far outweighs the bad. I have NEVER regretted my decision to have my daughter.

I'm really disappointed with those who post "don't make this an abortion debate" as they clearly state their case for abortion. Too many posters are trying to scare this young woman into a decision.

We've all heard the saying, "if you wait until you can afford children to have them, you will never have them."

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TXSilkie, I applaude you and congratulate you on your achievements. Yes, nothing is impossible when there is will and shoot! Kids sure give you reason to live.

TX CS laws suck big monkey balls then. Here in the NorthEast, you get your license suspended and they throw your ass in jail if you don't pay the mandatory minimum. Whether you are employed or not, there is still a mandatory amount.

Let's hope to hear from N soon. Hopefully she is feeling a bit better. (((HUG TO NOELLE))) It's tough...

Being a single parent at a young age can be very very difficult, depending on the circumstances. I also raised my children alone and I couldn't get anyh child support out of my ex. The laws have recently become a lot tougher regarding support but when my kids were little it was easy for deadbeat dads to avoid paying support. I was only seventeen when I had my first child, twenty-one when I had the second. I ended up completely alone with them and I didn't have family to lend either financial or emotional support. I can't tell you how hard life was sometimes and how limited my oportunities were based on my circumstances. Now my kids are great adults and somehow they turned out healthy and happy. Of course I'm not going to say I regret having them, how could I? They are my life and I love them more than anyone else on this planet, but I try not to think about the past too much because I think they deserved so much better than I could give them and it breaks my heart to look back at how short changed they were. Absent father that couldn't give a ****, mother who had to work all kinds of odd shifts and hours to keep a roof over their head, poverty. My god!! Don't let anyone blow sunshine and rainbows up your ass about being a young poor single parent. In my case it sucked and my sweet precious sons deserved a hell of a lot better.

On the other hand I knew some single parents that were a lot better off. They had exes that helped them both financially and physically, they had supportive parents, they had brothers and sisters that adored their little fatherless neices and nephews and made themselves available to help out in various capacities. So only you know what kind of family you have and what kind of support you expect you will get from them. Take that into consideration. You have options and nobody here can really advise you because your situation is unique to you. Just because somebody else had an abortion that they never recovered from doesn't mean you will, just because someone else found single parenting extremely difficult doesn't mean you will. If someone else never got over giving their baby up for adoption that doesn't mean it's something you could never get over. Only you know what is the best decision for you.

Noelle, you are very wise to seek medical advice ASAP.

May I also urge you to consult with a family lawyer? I am afraid that you do not have the full understanding of how family law operates. If you want a private support agreement - meaning one that has the minimum drama - that is a fine goal, but just make sure a lawyer arranges it for you so you do not abridge your child's rights or entitlement. (You do not actually even have the legal right to waive your [possible future] child's entitlement to his/her father's support.)

And sorry about all the unproductive "advice" being given. I am sure you have learned any necessary lesson far better than we can teach you.

I think you did the right thing by talking to MM about your situation. Now it is clear to you that he will not be there for you emotionally or physically. Also I know others have pointed it out but I want to add another caution, MM has already exhibited aggressive behavior with you. You don't know how he will respond when he feels he is backed against a wall. Keep yourself safe.

From this point forward, I would not rely on him for anything. Get support from trained professionals and your friends/family.

Good luck to you and no matter which decision you make you will be ok.

Mimo: I stand by my statement. She's young and uneducated. At this point, her options are limited, and so are the child's. Unless she has wealthy parents willing to help her, or she wins the lottery, that is.

 

 

Jwi and fight4me: You are basically saying that she will have to either depend upon a MM that doesn't want the burden for financial support and/or be on welfare. Great. I'm happy to pay my tax dollars for an irresponsible youngster who couldn't keep her legs closed.

Ok, this makes me look like I am a hobo living in a cardboard box.

I am halfway through my degree (about to start my third year) and I fully intend to finish it either way.

I have a nice roof over my head, so far I live comfortably. Do not presume what I can and can not offer to this baby.

As far as me possibly losing custody in the future... I'm not dumb. Yes, I'm aware that MM and his wife could complicate my life and seek this out. However, I am not a crackhead. I do not have any drug/drinking related problems, I work hard, have no criminal records, no skeletons in my closet, come from a nice family etc. The possiblity of the court granting them custody based on the fact they have a big house and a picket fence is hardly plausible.

I mean.... I didn't know that not having a college degree constitutes as unfit parenting. I should probably mention this to all the mothers who raise their children and dare to only have a high school diploma.

Seriously, 'uneducated' makes it sound like I am a middle school dropout who signs her name with an 'X'. I finished high school with honors and go to a good university. I am NOT uneducated.

And for everyone else - thank you guys for your stories, advice and well wishes! I'll be writing an update now...

Oh and for any legal advice, thanks... my dad is a lawyer (though he is corporate law, not family law) so if it gets to me keeping the baby I'm sure he will help me with all of that.

Noelle your situation is EXACTLY as I had imagined it was. I hope you are feeling a little bit less anxious now that you have seen the doctor.

Tx I applaud you on your acheivements and agree with you anyone can do anything if they put their mind to it. However your situatoin is much different than Noelle's.

Noelle doesnt already have children, she doesnt have a 401k or rely on, even if she has a trust fund to rely on it different. She's 20.

Actually Noelle I dont know why I didnt think of this before, but I do know one person who decided to have the baby. She had a baby as a teenager was kicked out of the house (not similar but wait). Went to secretarial school, worked her way through college, went to work for a law firm and is now a partner there. So it is possible. The question is whether that is the right decision for you. She is a total star in every way, personable organized to a T, extremely intelligent, never takes no for an answer she is the whole package and nothing was going to hold her back. It hasnt been easy for her but she managed.

There are lots of reasons and stories and Noelle will find her own path.

It seems to me that if religious or moral beliefs do not dictate your path in this situation, then it comes down to one thing.

Many many women end up as single mothers either through divorce death or other cirucumstances and they manage. Of course you do. Its not easy but thats what you do. You take care of your children.

The question however at this juncture, is, do you want to start out from day one at 20 as a single parent. But that is not what you asked us. You asked us how to handle MM and that situation has been dealt with.

Ok, so I had an appointment with my GYN yesterday morning.

I told her that earlier this week I got a positive on three HPTs, so she first sent me down to the lab to take a blood and urine sample. She said she will not do an ultrasound because it is still very early in the pregnancy.

Considering the fact that she knows me, she said that she assumes this was not planned. I confirmed and said that I am not sure if I want to go through with it.

She was completely understanding, she answered some of the questions I had and shared a couple of stories with me.

Then she wrote a refferal to a clinic, said that they have both a pre-abortion and post-abortion counseling, she said she is familiar with it and trusts them completely.

She advised me to make an appointment this following week and that they will do a sonogram.

So thats it as far as my appointment goes. But after that I went to work.

I managed to finish at around 7 pm and I was going home, but MM was waiting for me outside my workplace (I hadn't talked to him at all since the night I told him about the pregnancy).

He seemed calm enough and immediately asked me didn't I answer his calls. Anyway, not to bore you with the details of the conversation but he wabted to know if I decided what I'm going to do and why haven't I decided yet, and not to let myself feel guilty for wanting an abortion, how it's just a bunch of cells, life will go back to normal etc. I really became sick of all this abortion propaganda and told him I'm not being guilt tripped by anyone except him.

He asked me whether I had gone to the doctor and I said yes, but I didn't want to tell him I got a refferal to an abortion clinic because I feel like that would make him think that he was ''winning'' or something and only press even harder. So he became horribly mad once again. Told me not to be silly, I can't raise a child. He has living breathing kids, not this little ''blood stain''. Said he's not sure it's his ( ah, the ol' faitful one). I tried to leave then, but he stopped me and got in my way several times.

Finally I managed to leave as some woman was passing by. He callem me while I was driving, said that he has calmed down and really wants to try and talk things out. I decided that we will meet in a public place so I turned the car around and we met up in a coffee shop.

I told him that if he doesn't believe it's his that it's not a problem at all, the court will get him to take a DNA test, piece of cake.

- Then he asked what would I ideally want if I were to keep it.

I answered that IDEALLY he would tell his wife about the whole thing, tried to work things out with her, all the while he would take on financial responsibility and some kind of contact with the child.

- He asked if I would take him to court if he doesn't agree to that and I said that I would want some kind of a legal agreement so he doesn't bail on me. Next question was how much child support I would ask, I told him that I would have to talk to a lawyer for that.

- He said that based on how much I ask he could perhaps pay without his wife knowing and we can privately make a legal agreement on that.

- I told him I'm not too sure about that, and it's another thing I would have to get some legal info on.

- Told me that I think long and hard about what I'm doing and even turned the tables on asking me what about my life, how I won't be able to go out anymore, no more little vacations with my friends, no more spring break etc. How he has a life, a lot of effort came into forming this life, how we will both live under pressure for the rest of our lives...

I was getting really really tired and was completely drained, emtioanlly and physically, so I went home. I got several texts from him since then. How he really cared about me, he's sorry about the way it ended. How he is so stressed and worried. Not just for him, but for me too (yeah right... classic manipulation). How his boys won't forgive him, he's a crap dad and not someone I would want to be the father to my child (again, classic manipulation). How we have to think about everyone in this situation, not juust ourselves, we're affecting everybody, they will all be hurting etc. Several other messages where he is basicly telling me to have na abortion, in a way he thinks is subtle.

Last but not least... how when I have real babies, I'll understand whats it loike never to want to disappoint them.

WTH?! Real babies, this one isn't real?

Whatever... he is perfectly clear in what he wants me to do.

You are a star! Make him sweat.

None of his business what you decide until you are ready to tell him. He deserves to wonder and worry based on how awful he is being to you.

This is his position and he is going to press it as long and as hard as he can. And Im sorry for that.

MM knows your father is a corporate lawyer and will know that he is going to be nailed to the wall, there is NO way your father is going to let that worm get off without the W knowing if you have a baby and the agreement will not be "private" or so private that she does not know.

Honey you and MM are no longer on the same team. He is looking after his interests only. You look after you.

Ok, I could be totally wrong here, but it looks like there's a whole lot of manipulation going on here. Him trying to manipulate you into an abortion to make his life easier, and you trying to manipulate him into thinking you're having it just to watch him squirm.

Ok, maybe I'm wrong and you're not trying to make him squirm just a little. After all, you thought this guy had feelings for you, and he turned out to be a real jerk. I get that you don't want him to think he "won." Kinda naive since there's a baby stuck in the middle, but I think I get where you are coming from.

This guy has made his opinion clear. Speaking to him any more until you have made your decision just brings more drama. I honestly don't see any reason you need to speak with him any longer anyway. If you decide to have the baby, contact needs to be through a lawyer. If you decide to terminate, he'll figure it out because he hasn't been contacted by that lawyer. Maybe you like the drama, I don't know. It just seems crazy to continue to engage him, when be has made his agenda clear. To me, the best way to make him squirm stress-free to you would be to tell him to leave you alone and that when you make a decision, he'll know.

I personally don't think you need to speak to the guy ever again if you decide to terminate, but that's just me.

Good luck whatever you decide. And stay away from the married men, ok?

And Noelle the fact that he stood in your way and you had to get away as someone passed by is alarming. DONT meet him again.

If he contacts you tell him the next contact he has will be from your lawyer. and if he tries to come near you again or comes to your home or school or anything that you will have a restraining order issued.

Tell him you will unleash the wrath of the best lawyers in your city on him (not that you would your father probably wont want to use his firm for this) but it will scare him.

And Nancy I think you are totally right but he has put himself in a position where he will squirm because he is acting like a ********.

At least until she decides she shouldnt speak to him. That isnt making him squirm so much as protecting herself from his aggressive and alarming behavior.

Ok, I could be totally wrong here, but it looks like there's a whole lot of manipulation going on here. Him trying to manipulate you into an abortion to make his life easier, and you trying to manipulate him into thinking you're having it just to watch him squirm.

I don't think she's manipulating him at all. He's backing her into a corner and she feels trapped. She doesn't know what she's going to do so she isn't committing to anything yet. Heck, the way he's pressing for an abortion, it almost makes a person want to defy him just to screw him over. I mean, I'm not suggesting that she have the baby or not, I'm just saying that his behavior just begs for retaliation.

Sounds like he's absolutely terrified his wife is going to find out and is going to try to do everything possible to make sure she doesn't find out so protect yourself NOW.

I cannot believe he said blood stain! It's good you chose to keep him in the dark as to what your decision is .. DO NOT let him bully or push you around.

If he thinks he can hide a child from his wife, his kids and lie about it forever, he's fooling himself. As I said above, he's scared he's going to lose all that he knows now, rightfully so, he SHOULD be scared, but he has noone to blame but himself since he did willingly have an affair and have sex with you. I doubt he thought you'd get pregnant, but now that you are, in his mind, it's the worst thing possible as now reality is about to smack him in the face!