MW Therapy, what to expect?

I would bet that she hasnt mentioned YOU to the therapist at all.. IF she did, after the 4th or 5th session, she would be asking your MW "what do you want to do? What is it that you want for your life, what should we start working towards?" In EITHER case, your MW would have been advised by now to go NC with you. If she was to "try" with her marriage, the NC would be for good. If it were to start the divorce, the NC would have been explained, "it has to be this way for now, while I handle the end of my marriage, you can't be a part of my life". Like I said, EITHER WAY she would have been advised to go NC with you...

Which leads me to believe that she hasnt even mentioned you....

Doesnt mean that the therapy isnt good for her, but like Whichway keeps pointing out, she is NOT being honest with you at all. And you, my friend, are setting yourself up for a real doozy of a heartbreak....

Errr, "tough", in my opinion it is hell. Have you tried doing it yourself, candoit?

i have tried n/c 2 times and failed , it was hell , but each time i went back with my mm , I realised it was still hell being with him whilst he is still with his w . so i am now on day 3 of n/c . this time around its better because i am prepared for the all the pain i am going to go through . I miss him a lot , but i belive that if he loves me and is truley not happy in his m , then he will come back to me a single man .

I would bet that she hasnt mentioned YOU to the therapist at all.. IF she did, after the 4th or 5th session, she would be asking your MW "what do you want to do? What is it that you want for your life, what should we start working towards?" In EITHER case, your MW would have been advised by now to go NC with you. If she was to "try" with her marriage, the NC would be for good. If it were to start the divorce, the NC would have been explained, "it has to be this way for now, while I handle the end of my marriage, you can't be a part of my life". Like I said, EITHER WAY she would have been advised to go NC with you...

 

Which leads me to believe that she hasnt even mentioned you....

 

Doesnt mean that the therapy isnt good for her, but like Whichway keeps pointing out, she is NOT being honest with you at all. And you, my friend, are setting yourself up for a real doozy of a heartbreak....

I really havent asked her whats going on in her sessions much. I know at first she had told the therapist she wasnt seeing me anymore. Im not sure if that has changed or not though. I will ask her tonight when i bring up my community service thing. thank you

I really havent asked her whats going on in her sessions much. I know at first she had told the therapist she wasnt seeing me anymore. Im not sure if that has changed or not though. I will ask her tonight when i bring up my community service thing. thank you

no need to thank me... thank yourself for LISTENING to these folks here at the Shack.. and go read Stampdaddy's threads.. I did.. That poor bastard spent something like 5 years going through what you are, including the whole MC thing..

And keep this in mind: Your MW is going to tell you whatever she has to to keep you on the hook, and YOU are going to be afraid to ask too many questions OR the tough questions because you will fear that she will just say to hell with you and go back to her hubby. She is NO different than any of them Friend.....

tell me about it, i really dont think i could do it. She would have to leave me. I know this situation isnt good for me, i know it is hurting me, i have those bad nights where i feel so down at night sometimes, it is hard to stay positive, especially after so long, but all i can do is hope.

i have only been in my A for six months and i couldnt take another six months of it , i had to end it , i am still going through the pain of ending it , it is really difficult but if he loves me he will get out of his m and find me

no need to thank me... thank yourself for LISTENING to these folks here at the Shack.. and go read Stampdaddy's threads.. I did.. That poor bastard spent something like 5 years going through what you are, including the whole MC thing..

 

And keep this in mind: Your MW is going to tell you whatever she has to to keep you on the hook, and YOU are going to be afraid to ask too many questions OR the tough questions because you will fear that she will just say to hell with you and go back to her hubby. She is NO different than any of them Friend.....

wow, that is exactly how i feel sometimes, sometimes i just shrug stuff off because i fear she will just think its not worth it. Its a tough situation to be in.

Hello all,

 

I am currently the OM, have been for about 1 1/2 years. My MW has been seeing a therapist to help her leave her husband for about 4 months now. She tells me she doesnt love him and wants out but that she needed help on how to break things off since they have been married for 4 years.

 

Recently there was a community service event that i really wanted to go to and i asked her if she could go but said she couldnt get out of the house. Today i found out that she went...but with her husband. I am very upset at this. Could it be that she is seeing the therapist to make things better with her husband and leaving me in the dark? How am i supposed to know that she is seeing the therapist to leave him? in the 4 months i really havent seen any changes with her marriage. She still lives with him, goes home to him, goes home after work at the same time, etc. Wouldnt a therapist try to get her to distance herself from him by now? Do therapist give them steps and things to do to try to leave a marriage? like leave the house more on the weekends etc? I am just confused and not sure what to do.

 

Any help or info would be great. Thank you very much.

I have experience with this personally as a client that was in an affair, and professionally as a therapist that has worked with couples on infidelity.

Any therapist worth anything is going to help the individual really sort out what they want. Often they may come in saying they want to leave or stay, but that is just the starting point for therapy.

This is going to be a process for her. You are going to have to be patient. There is a really good chance that when it is all said and done she will not choose to leave the marriage. Either way, you need to let her go through this. If she is going to leave to be with you, you want her to have really considered everything that involves...it will increase the chances of your relationship post divorce succeeding.

No, of course not! But you already know that, I'm strongly suspecting . In any case, you won't be able to influence or manipulate what goes on in their sessions, even if you do end up paying someone just so that you can have the opportunity to try to do that. It will not work.

 

You do need your own therapist...someone you can trust to offer you the very best guidance and support. You deserve no less than that.

Just want to second this. It would be a horribly bad idea!

indeed, i am very happy that she decided to go see a therapist and get help. I think its a step in the right direction. I am just scared that its doing her marriage more help then our relationship, you just never know.

 

I am planning on talking to her about the situation later today after work. It was very hard on me when i found out, makes me feel like she picked him over me and i don't think i will ever forget it. I already know what she will say, she will tell me she didnt tell me because she didnt want to hurt me. She knows i don't like when she does things with him. They never do anything on the weekends, Her husband is a home body and never wants to go out. They are always at home. It was just a huge shock for me.

 

what is the name of the book you are reading? i wouldnt mind reading something like that myself. Thank you.

For some reason the bolded part above really bothered me.

It smacks of ... well I don't really want to say... but some sort of 'control' tendencies given that this is you trying (not very subtly) to influence someone else's marital relationship.

In any case you now know for sure (if you didn't before) that she is willing to lie to you about things that are particularly important to you.

She doesnt tell me much really, i've asked her a couple times about it. She tells me the therapist is talking to her about her feelings and emotions, about her childhood (abusive father), about things that are going on but never really gives me an specifics. There were a few times in the beginning where she was pretty emotional when she left the therapist and i didnt press it.

This sounds accurate. I always start with the client and where they are at. See the affair may bring people into therapy but it is rarely the issue that needs to be worked on.

You need to allow her to have some emotional safety as she deals with these issues. Do not push her too much. If they are working on a history of an abusive childhood then she will be fragile.

This sounds accurate. I always start with the client and where they are at. See the affair may bring people into therapy but it is rarely the issue that needs to be worked on.

 

You need to allow her to have some emotional safety as she deals with these issues. Do not push her too much. If they are working on a history of an abusive childhood then she will be fragile.

I try not to push her with anything, i know she is going through alot also, she is very emotional sometimes. How do you think i should handle the community service situation?

I try not to push her with anything, i know she is going through alot also, she is very emotional sometimes. How do you think i should handle the community service situation?

I think you handle it by being very direct with her. Tell her you saw that she went with her husband...and explain how you felt.

Here is where it is going to be tough my brother. You wrote that you felt like she picked him over you...well isn't that a microcosm for this entire relationship. Being the OM in this situation is going to be very difficult and as of right now, no matter what she says, her actions indicate that you are second place. I know it hurts...it would hurt me.

You mentioned that you were considering going to therapy. I think this would be a good idea. I can feel the pain in your posts. I know you want things to work out with this woman, but you only have control over your half of the equation. With the support of a therapist you can do some work on your self esteem and put yourself in a place where you are either prepared for the long road ahead, or you are ready to say goodbye and start a new chapter in your life.

Either way we will be here to support you. Keep us posted.

wow, that is exactly how i feel sometimes, sometimes i just shrug stuff off because i fear she will just think its not worth it. Its a tough situation to be in.

it's an EASY situation to get out of... just get out of it dude... she ain't coming and you WILL get hurt. You have NO IDEA.....

GO READ STAMPDADDY.... He's the God Father

How old are you ten? Wake up man, she has been cheating on her Husband for 1 year and they have only been married for 4. She is not going to leave him but she is selfish and wants her fun on the side. She is lying to you about seeing a therapist to leave her H. She is seeing a therapist to see why she is so self destructive. She wants the stability her husband gives her and then she wants some fun on the side.

If it comes down to her H or you she will pick him. He is her man and you are her boy. In her eyes he can take care of her and you can feed her ego

I try not to push her with anything, i know she is going through alot also, she is very emotional sometimes. How do you think i should handle the community service situation?

This sounds so much like my story....all I can say is be prepared for a long hard journey....it will mess with your health and everything in your life. Read my story and Stampdaddy. If indeed its abuse you first have to understand it's all about control with the husband. Of course she's going to be seen at events she's not going to rock the boat. Another thing if she had abuse as a child think about it...abused all her life. She's broken I mean really broken.

I had to learn the hard way even though I still have my MW in my life....I've started to live my life too!!

She has learned to lie....read this book....by Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" It will open your eyes. This woman has learned to lie...she wants to show you she's getting stronger but she really is broken. When you get enough posts inbox me....I'll tell you what you are really up against.

She has learned to lie....read this book....by Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" It will open your eyes. This woman has learned to lie...she wants to show you she's getting stronger but she really is broken. When you get enough posts inbox me....I'll tell you what you are really up against.

Lundy Bancroft is a genius. I love his stuff...saw him live once...brilliant. However, I would not focus on that side of things so much. OP focus on why you would put yourself in this situation.

what does she tell you about her therapy sessions? With my MM, he started therapy about 6 months before leaving his W. I knew that was the goal because I attended a few of the sessions with him. Could you perhaps ask her if you can attend a session with her? It might actually help her therapist get a better picture of whats going on as well.

 

It is quite possible that although she's telling you she's leaving that she isn't truly all that set on that course of action. She may be trying to decide or she may even be trying to figure out how to end things with you. You just don't know if she totally walls off her therapy from you. If she wants you to wait around for her, she ought to keep you in the loop so you can decide if you want to keep waiting or not.

You went to therapy with a married guy? !

I would not think any therapist would allow this?

Forgive me but this sounds bizarre and creepy!

You went to therapy with a married guy? !

 

I would not think any therapist would allow this?

Forgive me but this sounds bizarre and creepy!

DM, who was MM at the time asked me to go. It was his IC obviously, not an MC. Another occasion, his then W went. The idea was MM"s. I think he wanted his therapist to meet all the players involved because he questioned his ability to accurately describe us I guess. It was helpful for me to learn where he was at emotionally. Later, after he separated, I went a couple other times to iron out issues between us.

DM told me he wanted to be with me and he wanted our relationship to be strong. I don't think there's anything creepy about that at all. And honestly, I find your insinuation incredibly insulting.

DM, who was MM at the time asked me to go. It was his IC obviously, not an MC. Another occasion, his then W went. The idea was MM"s. I think he wanted his therapist to meet all the players involved because he questioned his ability to accurately describe us I guess. It was helpful for me to learn where he was at emotionally. Later, after he separated, I went a couple other times to iron out issues between us.

 

DM told me he wanted to be with me and he wanted our relationship to be strong. I don't think there's anything creepy about that at all. And honestly, I find your insinuation incredibly insulting.

I find it creepy that two people cheating would attend therapy together.

I find it creepy that two people cheating would attend therapy together.

I guess you got edited for a reason. Anyway....I honestly don't see what's creepy about that. We love each other and I supported him. WTF is that creepy? Especially after he seperated?

Holy Crap...dood.

This sounds so much like my story....all I can say is be prepared for a long hard journey....it will mess with your health and everything in your life. Read my story and Stampdaddy. If indeed its abuse you first have to understand it's all about control with the husband. Of course she's going to be seen at events she's not going to rock the boat. Another thing if she had abuse as a child think about it...abused all her life. She's broken I mean really broken.

I had to learn the hard way even though I still have my MW in my life....I've started to live my life too!!

 

She has learned to lie....read this book....by Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" It will open your eyes. This woman has learned to lie...she wants to show you she's getting stronger but she really is broken. When you get enough posts inbox me....I'll tell you what you are really up against.

Yes, that is why she goes out to events with him sometimes when he tells her to. She tells me she just goes because she will pay for it if she doesnt. I know she has gone through alot, abusive father and a not very good husband. But she is taking the steps to make things better. She is going to therapy, that tells me she is trying to get better and get the strength to leave.

What do you mean you started your life too? Have you began trying to date others?

Lundy Bancroft is a genius. I love his stuff...saw him live once...brilliant. However, I would not focus on that side of things so much. OP focus on why you would put yourself in this situation.

I think you are right. Im not sure what im doing anymore. Im not sure why or how i got to the point i am right now. I do need help.

I think you handle it by being very direct with her. Tell her you saw that she went with her husband...and explain how you felt.

 

Here is where it is going to be tough my brother. You wrote that you felt like she picked him over you...well isn't that a microcosm for this entire relationship. Being the OM in this situation is going to be very difficult and as of right now, no matter what she says, her actions indicate that you are second place. I know it hurts...it would hurt me.

 

You mentioned that you were considering going to therapy. I think this would be a good idea. I can feel the pain in your posts. I know you want things to work out with this woman, but you only have control over your half of the equation. With the support of a therapist you can do some work on your self esteem and put yourself in a place where you are either prepared for the long road ahead, or you are ready to say goodbye and start a new chapter in your life.

 

Either way we will be here to support you. Keep us posted.

Ty for your words. It seems like you understand where im coming from. I was direct with her about the community service thing. She told me his work was also getting people to go there and that is why she went. He told her to go. She said she didnt tell me because she didnt wanna hurt my feelings since i wanted to go to it. It was a big event that happens once a year where most big companies in the area attend and donate and they have many sponsors.

I fight back and forth with myself about the whole she picking him over me thing. I know she is there with him, but i also know she is trying to leave him. She isnt a strong woman, she cant just say shes leaving and leave. She needs help to get there and that is why shes going to therapy. At least now she is getting help, since she realized she could not do it alone. I think its a step in the right direction.

I do want things to work out with this woman. I do love her. I know i need professional help. Ive been dealing with this all alone for over a year and a half. I feel like i need help, i need direction, i have so much frustration and sadness inside.

Yes, that is why she goes out to events with him sometimes when he tells her to. She tells me she just goes because she will pay for it if she doesnt. I know she has gone through alot, abusive father and a not very good husband. But she is taking the steps to make things better. She is going to therapy, that tells me she is trying to get better and get the strength to leave.

 

What do you mean you started your life too? Have you began trying to date others?

It means focus on YOU....if you can take a supportive friend approach and set the boundaries that you are there to support her however you will be moving forward with your life. That means dating or finding other things to occupy your time. When I said you are going to be on a long hard road. Trust me I know. When this all started for me....I was married and been seeing my MW for 2 years before I left my marriage. Here I am 22 months later with my divorced final 6 months now and she's still in her situation. H still living in the house.

So I do see my MW but we are more on LC. Please get that book it will open your eyes about about. Another thing to consider if someone has been in a abusive situation don't you think they might pick up those traits. Mine certainly did. So just be careful and follow your gut it's usually right.

OH btw....my D-day was one year ago almost to the day. I never thought she'd still be where she is too. So go live your life....go find something better. Oh btw....I do date now.

Sigh, Just wanted to give an update.

I was still seeing my MW and last week she told me she is pregnant. Going back and looking at the conceived date the baby will be from her husband. There was a 2 1/2 week period where we did not have sex because we were both so busy with work and her conceived date is right in the middle of that period.

I am heartbroken and have not slept in a week. I have stressed myself out to the point where i developed rashes on my body, i barely eat, nothing motivates me and i just lay in bed wondering why this had to happen to me. I don't know what to do, i ask her what she wants to do and she says she doesn't know that she loves me but she cant leave him either. Neither of us can make any type of decision. We still see each other everyday but i am so sad.

I know i should leave her, i know its not healthy for me, but its just so heartbreaking, and i cant see my life without her in it. I'm just so lost.

I blame myself for not listening before. If i just would of been strong enough to leave her before i think it would of pushed her to leave her husband and come back to me. She depends on me for everything, we spend most of the day together at work, eat breakfast/lunch together. We spend 2 hours after work together, i have been a big part of her life for the past 2 years. Now i feel like it's the beginning of the end. With a baby in the picture i see her staying in her bad marriage for the sake of the child. ugh im going insane.

I've thought about just telling the husband everything, if shes not strong enough to leave him i figure that would be the only way. But then i know she would probably hate me for it, but at least i'd be able to help her get out of it and maybe some day she would forgive me. Im just scared how he would react also, i dont want him to hurt her i just dont know what to do. I just have so many things running in my mind right now.