GF driving me insane w/insecurity and overreaction

Personally, I wouldn't care if I had 15 kids with her, I'd leave. I don't know how he takes this self-centered, childish nut he's married to. If you stay with the woman you're with, you'll have a very similar life to my nephew. It is truly sad.

And CLC, no one should have to translate their mate's passive-aggressive actions. If you say it's a chicken sandwich, it shouldn't be filled with bologna.

Adults can and should be able to communicate their issues, clearly.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Are you all actually ENCOURAGING someone who is obviously not able to ride his motorcycle?

This is sooo sad.

When his organs save someone's life, I hope you are all at his funeral. (And I hope he's a donor)

If not, I hope hes has an awakening, cos he is being an ass right now. Sometimes, it's too late.

At some point as a responsible self-directed adult you have to say this isn't good for me time to move on. Failing to do so makes you a protagonist in your own movie.

Billion percent agree.

Zicke and Butcher's Hook have obviously decided to take my gf's side no matter what I say.

Dinner plans vs. possible injury - perspective much?

Motorcycle riding ability has nothing to do with it. I can ride the bike just fine when I'm fed.

Anyway, the point of this thread was not to have my arguments over again. The point was to figure out how to deal with this situation. I really don't know why I don't just end it. Everyone has really helped put things in perspective here, and I've tolerated way too much of her drama.

I guess I feel like she loves me enough that I owe her more chances? I don't know...

I admit I didn't read the whole thread. But what this all really boils down to is that it's never about who wins the argument. It's about finding the place where you can agree. Meeting in the middle.

NOBODY EVER WINS AN ARGUMENT. Even if you think you win, all you've succeeded at doing is making the other person feel ****ty and getting him/her to agree with you just to end the stupid argument. You boost your ego for five seconds by "winning", but no one is really ahead.

Both you and your girlfriend are consumed with your own egos, obsessed with winning these PETTY arguments, when that isn't anywhere near the point. In fact, it's the opposite of the point. By now, your relationship is nothing more than a tornado of angsty ego reinforcement.

If you can't get back to LOVING each other (if you ever did), you have no future together.

I guess I feel like she loves me enough that I owe her more chances? I don't know...

There are several schools of though I've been exploring.

With low self esteem women who get off on drama, the solution is to be incredibly controlling and act like a father figure, because these women usually have problems with authority and boundaries of acceptable behavior. Still, would you want to be in such a relationship where you have to subjugate her to act normal? It's not worth it, IMO.

Then, some people claim that pissed off women are actually horny women who don't know how to express their horniness and sexuality. Often, the best way to cut any drama is to just escalate sex and screw her silly. I used to do this with my ex-gf, she instantly went from mad to happy as soon as I started effing her. Try it and see what happens.

But it's just best to avoid needy women with low self esteem, weed them out somehow and go straight for the good women who know how to respect themselves and others. If this bitch keeps disrespecting you, dump her and don't look back.

Sorry to say but there is something wrong with your nephew too. These codependent toxic relationships don't happen unilaterally they are a two way street' date=' of course it is easier to feel pitty for the "obvious perceived victim" but really there are no victims here only contributors.[/quote']

 

He grew up with his parents fighting a lot, too, so it's no surprise he attracted this type of person and relationship into his life. I agree, though, he needs to deal with it and get it under control. If anyone called me that many times a day, I'd put an end to that fast.

See what's happening here, Phateless?

Man=bad. Women=good and/or victim.

Time to go for a motorcycle ride and leave all the drama behind.

I also encourage you to walk, Phateless, but not for the same reasons that others are stating.

This kind of abusive relationship is a self-esteem killer and only serves to make people bitter and jaded against the opposite sex. There are mature adults to have a relationship with, in a positive manner, where there are no wins or loses but love, as you both make it.

I have to admit, your above example would irk me as a woman. If you have low blood sugar and you know it, then eat smaller meals througout the day. Directly before coming over to her house for dinner that she made you, you ate a sandwich. And then claimed you weren't hungry. Knowing you have this problem, why not schedule dinner for a bit later initially? Or ask that she start dinner later, rather than have her making it and you decide you aren't hungry after all. This would frustrate me to no end. It's not a "little" thing to go out of your way to make dinner for someone and they decide they aren't hungry after all. Seriously. It's rude on your part.

Agreed, and Phate doesn't even recognize that at all. It's all about HIM and what HE wants.

To me, having read entire thread, it sounds a bit as if you are somewhat self-involved and she is reacting to your ignorance of how your actions are affecting other people. I don't know your entire relationship history, but from this thread alone, you seem selfish.

 

She is blowing up because she has loads of resentment for you right now. Might want to take a closer look at how some of your actions are disrespectful and then go from there. A week off to cool down is not going to do anything.

 

Also, something to think about, a lot of men consider it "drama" if a woman is irked about something and voices that opinion. I've dated a couple of guys that would freak out if I ever called them on bad behavior. They considered it "DRAMA" to be called on their crappy treatment. I mean, what woman wants to be labeled a drama queen right? It's manipulative ont he guy's part IMO. Nice way to get someone to just meekly follow along so they don't get labeled. Jus sayin.

 

Needless to say, just because she's pissed about something doesn't make her a drama queen, it makes her pissed about something. She may be one, I don't know, I am not her or dating her. But, she may be reacting to too many times being put on the backburner while you do whatever you want in the end anyways.

Agreed, 100%.

I had to go back and look at some of your posts to get a better picture...

 

From the perspective of an outside observer (and perhaps your gf), the “sandwich” isn't really about the sandwich...

Nope, it's not about the sandwich, or the dinner, or any other meal or event. It's about his respect for her time and her needs, and his self-absorbtion.

I guess I feel like she loves me enough that I owe her more chances? I don't know...

I find it fascinating that you think you're in sole control here...

See what's happening here, Phateless?

 

Man=bad. Women=good and/or victim.

 

Time to go for a motorcycle ride and leave all the drama behind.

lol, agreed.

I completely understand where she's coming from and why feels the way she does, but what I'm upset about is her way of handling it. You guys are assuming I wasn't delicate with her feelings.

This is the whole point. I tried to handle everything as carefully as I could with understanding and validation, etc, but she puts me through hell anyway because she can't stay reasonable for us to talk it out.

I'm not saying I never do anything wrong, I'm just saying the scale of what I did compared to the scale of her reaction and way of handling it is way out of whack.

So back on topic:

Does anyone have any experience managing this type of personality? If I handle her correctly will she settle down?

When you have expressed this to her what is her response' date=' what is her gameplan to correct this?[/quote']

 

Oh yeah, we've had many fights about the way we communicate. It's more of the same. She argues with me and refuses to admit there's a problem.

Words to actions, Phateless. She's consistently telling you through words and actions that she doesn't respect you. Your words are strong but your actions state that you'll take it, since you're still with her. So when are you going to assert your boundaries?

Words to actions, Phateless. She's consistently telling you through words and actions that she doesn't respect you. Your words are strong but your actions state that you'll take it, since you're still with her. So when are you going to assert your boundaries?

You're right. I guess it just sucks that her losing me is the only thing that will get the message across. And then I won't be around to enjoy her once she reforms.

Yes but fighting about it is not the solution. Let me ask you this. Is there a way that when things are very good between the two of you when things are loving and you are both feeling safe with one another you could calmly bring up how her blow outs affect you? How the imbalance of her reactions to your actions is way off track? How destructive her reactions are to you and how they eat away at your emotions? You see it is much easier to see where the other person is coming from if you discuss these sorts of things from a prespective of how they make YOU feel as oppposed to how what the other person does is wrong.

 

 

Earlier in the thread someone brought up that the hardest hitting action a boyfriend of hers had, was when he expressed to her he was falling out of love (or something to that effect) because of what she was doing to drive him away. That was very good advice. I believe strongly in expressing this kind of sentiment in a very calm and almost sad way, this hits home if the person cares about you. I know for me that if my guy were to say to me "I just feel like I am starting to go emotionally" that would be such a shock to me and enough for me to take a long hard look at what I was doing to create this reaction.

 

But fighting about it is not the solution, neither is screaming at each other "you always do this" right in the middle of when the "this" has happened. It has to be discussed in a loving way and from the "this is what it does to me" prespective outside of a specific incident. You must a void a fight at all costs. You are afterall 7 yrs older than her, you must take control of this situation and guide her. I know all the onis should not be on you, that is not what I am saying, but you choose to be with someone who is not at par with your maturity level so you must lead by example. It is your duty, it you want to continue on with her, the dynamic you have now is not going to fix itself. Are you willing to try?

Tried. It restarts the fight. Even if things are calm, she doesn't validate or acknowledge my feelings. She negotiates my perspective saying "oh I didn't react like that..." etc, or tries to find any rationalization/extenuating circumstance.

When things are good I let them stay good. The last thing I want is to restart a fight.

Right now we have agreed to one week of peace. Zero talking about the relationship for the next week. So far things are good, so we'll see how long they stay that way.

I'm just afraid that she can't maintain this because some tiny thing I do will set her beside herself.

Then end it Phate.

Gotta say, after reading your post your gf reminds me of myself or atleast who I used to be. I was with a great guy for 6 years and he couldn't take it anymore, I had so much baggage from previous relationships that I could not let go of so I took it all out on him.. poor guy I feel absoloutley horrible for my actions but it took him leaving and finally telling me how he felt in order for me to realize that I was hurting him. I honestly did not realize it because he never said anything! This girl is not going to get it until you walk away, she needs to learn how to make herself happy until she can be in a healthy relationship all she is going to do is bring you down and drain you. This will continue as long as you allow it too, in my opinion you need to let her go. I could not get over my past until my ex walked away that was a huge wake up call so this is what she needs.

Just read the first post, but my immediate impression is that this story is very one-sided.

This is such a pet peeve and I mean no disrespect -- but everyone should quit quoting this.

 

If this was true"

 

1) All babies who are trying to learn to walk and falling down over and over again - are insane.

 

2) The person who attempts to run a mile in a certain time but falls just shy again and again would be insane.

 

3) The kid shooting hoops and missing again and again is insane.

 

And those are just a few examples.

 

Sometimes we try the same thing over and over - and are successful.

Sometimes we do the same things we have been doing but the other person reacts differently than they have previously.

Sometimes we do the same things we did in failed relationships with others and find success.

 

Sorry for the T/J Phateless. Like I said the saying (that is WAY over quoted and over used) is a pet peeve.

 

On topic - I think you should really look into BPD. After reading your post and the subsequent one mentioning it there seemed to be some similarities.

You'd be able to make a better assessment than I obviously.

 

In any case you two seem to be oil and water. And the arguing/fighting is happening all the time.

What is the draw? Why have you been trying to work it out?

Thanks for your comment on the insanity thing. I internally roll my eyes when somebody drops that quote. It's so overused and inane.

Just read the first post, but my immediate impression is that this story is very one-sided.

You're very intuitive...

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness.

Full article here: http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

Remember, takes two to tango, one to behave irrationally, the other to accept the irrational behaviour and try to somehow rationalise it and find different ways to deal with it. I realise you fell in love with this girl, and walking away from love is hard.

Try to look at the situation like this, is she now acting like the person you fell in love with? Has she changed? Look at the person you are dealing with right now, separate from your memories of the person you first met. If you were to meet your girlfriend for the very first time now, and she behaved the way she does towards you now, would you want to be in a relationship with her? Would you say:

"Gee, it's so sweet the way she goes crazy at the drop of a hat. So cute the way she blows minor things out of all proportion. I really find it sexy the way she tries to manipulate me using anger...I know! I think I'll embark on a full-on relationship with this person."

She might not have BPD and I'm not a psychologist, but I've researched it recently to understand someone in my life, and that's why I mentioned it. In any case no one deserves to be abused. Simple as. Try to take your emotions about her out of the picture and look analytically at the situation.

Thanks for your comment on the insanity thing. I internally roll my eyes when somebody drops that quote. It's so overused and inane.

I disagree:

All these things are not doing the same thing over and over again hoping to get a different result.

A child walking is trying to change and better themselves, as is an athlete, you can see yourself making progression with each attempt, which makes you strive for more.

The insanity version of this is for example going into a job you hate every day and every day Maureen from accounts makes some joke at your expense, and every day you feel annoyance and hurt at that, but say nothing and hope Maureen will change. That is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Not insanity is saying 'well Maureen is not going to change, what can I do to myself to change this situation?' and you walk up to Maureen and tell her that you don't appreciate her snotty comments, or you look for another job. But you do something in order to change and better yourself.

I disagree:

 

All these things are not doing the same thing over and over again hoping to get a different result.

 

A child walking is trying to change and better themselves, as is an athlete, you can see yourself making progression with each attempt, which makes you strive for more.

 

The insanity version of this is for example going into a job you hate every day and every day Maureen from accounts makes some joke at your expense, and every day you feel annoyance and hurt at that, but say nothing and hope Maureen will change. That is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

Not insanity is saying 'well Maureen is not going to change, what can I do to myself to change this situation?' and you walk up to Maureen and tell her that you don't appreciate her snotty comments, or you look for another job. But you do something in order to change and better yourself.

First of all, the definition of insanity is not doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. A simple dictionary search will clear that up. That's just one kind of behavior that might be termed unproductive, or in a very extreme case insane. It could also be called a lot of other things. The definition of insanity describes a cluster of traits, not a single behavior, and it might not even include that particular behavior.

Secondly, I get irritated when the same dubious "insight" is coughed up again and again, as if every person who quotes it is sharing an original pearl, even though we've all heard it about a million times.

And what's the insight when you strip it of the nonsensical "insanity" definition? That doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is unproductive? Well, duh.

Does anyone have any experience managing this type of personality? If I handle her correctly will she settle down?

I have - with more than one person - and I wasted a lot of years thinking things would change, or that I could do or say something different that would fix it or make it better. Waste of time. So, no, it doesn't matter what you do, she will not settle down.

There is WAY too much conflict in this relationship. I'm sure there are good things about it, too, but the bad far outweighs the good. The dealbreakers are just that - dealbreakers. The real showstoppers. They'll have you posting on forums and questioning your own sanity. This relationship is not made of the stuff that will last or be happy.

Sometimes the really hard part is admitting the truth, seeing things with clarity, and knowing when to stop trying to fix the unfixable....

I have - with more than one person - and I wasted a lot of years thinking things would change, or that I could do or say something different that would fix it or make it better. Waste of time. So, no, it doesn't matter what you do, she will not settle down.

 

There is WAY too much conflict in this relationship. I'm sure there are good things about it, too, but the bad far outweighs the good. The dealbreakers are just that - dealbreakers. The real showstoppers. They'll have you posting on forums and questioning your own sanity. This relationship is not made of the stuff that will last or be happy.

 

Sometimes the really hard part is admitting the truth, seeing things with clarity, and knowing when to stop trying to fix the unfixable....

I think you're really onto something here. One of my good friends told me recently that I'm looking for the relationship to be "empirically bad" before I end it so that I can walk away guilt-free.

I thought that was a pretty incisive assessment. *sigh* For now I'm still trying, but this is definitely wearing down on me as a person.

It's just so hard because I keep thinking that if we can find a way to "reset" then we can get back to the paradise it was in the beginning, and that's honestly what I want.

I think after you reach a certain point, the reset button is broken.