dealing with my girlfriends sexual past(found out after falling in love)

If you can't deal with her past.. move on.. period!

That is true. But he appears to still be on the fence and some lessons are better learned the hard way.

He will either learn to put the past behind him and not be bothered by it in the future or he will find out that he can't deal with it.

That is true. But he appears to still be on the fence and some lessons are better learned the hard way.

 

He will either learn to put the past behind him and not be bothered by it in the future or he will find out that he can't deal with it.

I agree. Personally, I think the OP is in for a hell of a rough ride, but I can relate. Seems like I can only learn the hard way myself. On the upside, I don't usually repeat my mistakes.

Best of luck OP. You're going to need it.

thank you all for your responses, alot of you seem to think I sould dump her quick but I'm going to keep with her, I love her and maybe its not my fault I feel this way but hey blame isnt the problem here its the existance of said emotions

anyone whos had to get over some stuff like this please hit me up with some advice on how to move past it, I'm not going to just dump her as the relationship is great, and even though some people might consider me a fool for it, I'm going to try to cover up this achilles heel.

thank you all please continue to reply to my situation I definately still need advice on how to make it work

it's funny because sextrology zodiacks read that in relationships I act like jesus and I need my mary magdeline (all you davinci code followers out there dont be insulted)

I don't think your are a fool. I think you may end up feeling like a fool. Much different.

I'm probably like 8-10 years older than you... so I can tell you I've been there done that with this whole situation. If you want to get over her past you need to identify WHY your jealous. Despite what other people there are different types depending on what your mental focus is.

It sounded like her past made you feel insignificant. That's the insecurity type. You should focus on the idea that every other guy just used and abused her... and that your different... which makes you special to her.

Also... don't touch her without a condom! Maybe put an extra one on when she isn't looking. Actually 3 would be best. And... snoop, do lots of snooping cause she is way the cheating type!

OP, first off I sympathize with you as I know that you're in a difficult place right now, and those people saying "she's a ho, dump her" and those saying "it's the past, get over it" don't really understand that place. If it were as simple as just making a logical decision like that, you obviously wouldn't be stuck in this mire...and it's not just your immaturity so don't feel bad about it!

I'm not going to give you a clear cut answer of whether or not you should stay with her, as there really isn't one - however, you need to get your head clear and focus on what affects you and your potential happiness with this girl - and out of the things that you cited about her, the number of guys that she's been with should be the least of your concerns as it really has no bearing on you, yet it is in the nature of younger males to focus solely on that aspect.

I understand how it feels that your sex might not be "special", but you have to remember that it's not the ACT of sex that makes things special...the sex act is one of the most primal and instinctual elements of human behavior...it's the synergy that is involved when it's the right person that distinguishes it. If we view it in this way, people's one night stands and casual encounters would not be viewed as threatening, if anything they'd be viewed as laughable!

HOWEVER...there are certainly potential issues with your GF. Even though the strict number of sexual partners should not be your focus, I will say that the circumstances surrounding her previous exploits would raise an eyebrow for me. While the period following a long term relationship is the most likely time for people of any gender to "rack up numbers" as it were (makes sense - you are most likely adjusted to regular sex and then its availability is pulled out from under you), the descriptions that you have given seem to suggest some self-esteem issues and residual effects from the abusive relationship that she was in. Unlike some on here, I don't see a problem with a girl enjoying some NSA sex when in between relationships or consider it a "mistake", but that does not seem to be the case here...most of these stories involve her putting herself into a submissive role that she seems to be accustomed to...so there's some psychological things going on here.

Plus the fact that she did not use condoms in some of these situations is also a cause for concern and shows that she might take risk unnecessarily. and the most important thing here is that you've stated that she lies to you, and that is in the present, not the past!

so basically, in order to get past this, you need to do your best to focus on the true issues at hand - that being her self-esteem problems and the fact that she's lied to you - and decide if this is something that you can help repair or a total deal-breaker. Eventually the "shock" of the past sex will go away, the other issues will still linger.

don't listen to people here telling you to have her.. you've been together for a year, and it's really not a big deal.

It IS a big deal... and 1 year isn't that long. However, he didn't come here for breakup advice. Nor did he come here to just here people tell him to get over it. Clearly thats what he wants... so... instead explain how?

example: my best friend had a really crazy past. cheated on one of her boyfriends (total douche btw).. she's never been proud of it, but it did happen. broke up with him, and played the field for a while, which she says got everything out of her system. anyway, she wasn't like this all the time. i knew her before all of it, and a lot had been going on in her life. her mother had passed away around the same time, don't know if it had anything to do with that. seemed like it though, since all this was happening around the same time. she partied a lot, hooked up with a lot of different guys..

Yeah... the guy was a douche... that makes it right! Sorry but if you can do that do a jerk... you can do that TWICE as fast to someone nice.

Let me quickly quantify the issue here. If said BFF just humped random guys for 2 years... worthless. If she dated several different guys over the course of 2 years... no issues.

See the difference here is in how she values sex... and herself.

now, four years later she's engaged to a really great guy, got back into school and is buying a house. she has no interest in sleeping around or cheating. i'm assuming she'd tell me, considering she's told me everything else about herself.

he doesn't care about who she was before they met, only about who she is now. and she IS a great girl, she just hit a rough spot a few years ago.

Until she loses a family member, and the fiance isn't "emotionally supportive" enough.

He just hasn't been educated to life... or he hasnt been burned yet. By 40 he will have figured this crap out. Hopefully by his second marriage at least.

probably the same with your girl. people do make mistakes, they learn from them and grow up. people change. sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. no one would ever guess what her past was like, based on who she is now, and that's what's important.

accept the fact that your girlfriend has had a strange past. i doubt you're perfect, and you shouldn't expect her to be.good luck..

Your BFF and this girl don't really sound that alike. Like the difference between accidentally killing someone in a car wreck vs a serial killer.

I will not bag on this girl like the rest. I think that is unfair to her.

But, given her history (especially with the cheating) I would not say she is, uh, relationship material, and she has a lot of growing up to do.

If you want a relationship with her, it's going to be hard for you, knowing her history and how immature she is.

thank you all for your responses, alot of you seem to think I sould dump her quick but I'm going to keep with her, I love her and maybe its not my fault I feel this way but hey blame isnt the problem here its the existance of said emotions

anyone whos had to get over some stuff like this please hit me up with some advice on how to move past it, I'm not going to just dump her as the relationship is great, and even though some people might consider me a fool for it, I'm going to try to cover up this achilles heel.

thank you all please continue to reply to my situation I definately still need advice on how to make it work

it's funny because sextrology zodiacks read that in relationships I act like jesus and I need my mary magdeline (all you davinci code followers out there dont be insulted)

You sound like you are afraid to be alone and afraid you will not find someone else, frankly. Anyway, we gave you our best advice based on the information supplied. If you think you can get over it, more power to you. Personally, I think you are better off on your own than with her.

And I don't know what sextrology is, but you don't NEED a mary magdaline (read: whore). Nor do you need to be saintly or Christlike. Be the person you want to be and date the women you want to date, don't take marching orders from some hack astrology bullshyt. Take control of your life.

this is all very complicated, I really do like some of the advice given in this past round thank you people

I don't know what I'm going to do I've been thinking about it a lot and I feel as though maybe I do have some masochistic tenancies, I feel as though I try to deal with this past junk because somewhere subconsciously it makes me feel infallable in the relationship as long as I don't cheat. I'm not sure what I'm going to do I've got alot of soul searching to do but I have recently gotten clean of we'll just say an array of different substance usages so hopefully that will help my mind become clear for a decision, I'm glad I've gotten peoples post and if you guys don't mind please keepem coming, although this is all anonymous its really helpful to know people know my problem, for all of you who think I'm just a dumbass who won't leave her try to think of this from my shoes, what really messes with me is she had a great point when I found out, nothing between us had changed, literally nothing just information I found out.

as for her lying, if she lies to me again like that I'm not going to just sit back and take it this time

in all honesty it is some messed up junk how she has treated me, thank you all who have opened my eyes up to that previous to hearing your advice I was lumping all our relationship problems into the fact that she has a past, which is not true

for opening my eyes to said things I thank you

I'll continue to post as things progress or digress, and advice would be great as I said its great to have you all to talk to

she had a great point when I found out, nothing between us had changed, literally nothing just information I found out.

That was a lie. Something did change. When you first meet, you know very little about one another, and as time goes you learn more and more about her as a person. This was a part of her she had hid from you. Now you have a better picture of who she is. That does change things between you two. Would she have said the same if she found out you had been to prison a few times for rape? Learning about one another does change the relationship, because it lets you understand the other person better.

as for her lying, if she lies to me again like that I'm not going to just sit back and take it this time

in all honesty it is some messed up junk how she has treated me, thank you all who have opened my eyes up to that previous to hearing your advice I was lumping all our relationship problems into the fact that she has a past, which is not true

I'm glad your seeing this.

 

Let me quickly quantify the issue here. If said BFF just humped random guys for 2 years... worthless. If she dated several different guys over the course of 2 years... no issues.

 

Oh, is THAT how that works? making the decision to have some sex while single makes someone "worthless" - got it! I thought that girls were allowed to make their own decisions and enjoy sex while they were single, but I forgot that it was 1906 - thanks!

OP, if you think like these guys, either date a virgin or someone that you tell on the first date to lie to you and tell you that she's one. sheesh.

Would she have said the same if she found out you had been to prison a few times for rape?

the lesson being here, obviously, that a girl deciding to have sex while single is equivalent to a guy raping a girl. who knew?

OP, if you think like these guys, either date a virgin or someone that you tell on the first date to lie to you and tell you that she's one. sheesh.

There actually are people who only have sex in committed relationships. I expect a potential partner to have the same standards.

This has nothing to do with wanting a virgin.

Oh, is THAT how that works? making the decision to have some sex while single makes someone "worthless" - got it! I thought that girls were allowed to make their own decisions and enjoy sex while they were single, but I forgot that it was 1906 - thanks!

 

OP, if you think like these guys, either date a virgin or someone that you tell on the first date to lie to you and tell you that she's one. sheesh.

You're really not grasping why people are saying she's worthless. The OP's GF DOES NOT VALUE OR RESPECT HER BODY. Who the hell wants to a date a girl who let's any Tom, Dick, and Jerry run through her pussy like an NFL Quarterback? That's not having a strong sexuality as a woman. That's being a ****ing ho. Get off of it, the OP's GF is dirty dirty DIIIRTAY.

thank you all who have opened my eyes up to that previous to hearing your advice I was lumping all our relationship problems into the fact that she has a past, which is not true

 

that is the single most important thing that you can learn from this thread.

her past behavior is only as important as how much of that behavior still manifests itself in her present actions.

the notion that you should be more worried about her cheating because of her "number" is total crap - it doesn't make any sense logically nor have any statistical studies about cheating supported it. people cheat to fill emotional voids, not because they can't control their hormones.

and it seems that you're potentially dealing with:

- self-esteem issues stemming from prior abusive relationship

- a need for attention, including from guys other than you, also possibly stemming from prior relationship but not uncommon in young women from my experience

- someone that is capable of lying to you

- someone that has shown tendencies of risky behavior

It's up to you to determine how much of this behavior still applies, how much you think can be rectified, and how much you would be able to deal with if, worst case, it is going to continue.

Oh, is THAT how that works? making the decision to have some sex while single makes someone "worthless" - got it! I thought that girls were allowed to make their own decisions and enjoy sex while they were single, but I forgot that it was 1906 - thanks!

OP, if you think like these guys, either date a virgin or someone that you tell on the first date to lie to you and tell you that she's one. sheesh.

Clearly you missed the point. Its about emotional involvement. That part of a person doesn't change.

the lesson being here, obviously, that a girl deciding to have sex while single is equivalent to a guy raping a girl. who knew?

I didn't have all day to think up crappy examples. However, both actions can shed light on the inner workings of a person and how they react to situations.

I think UF was trying to say that the "don't judge a person on their past" argument is flawed. You say that only in context of sex. But that's using that statement wrong. You shouldn't judge a person on their past period. Say a woman loved a man, and found out he was a rapist in his past. She'd most definitely leave him. But when a guy is disgusted in a woman for being loose sexually with numerous men, he's at fault for "judging". Its a bull**** statement. You should be allowed to judge as freely as you want. Especially when the judging is justified.

the lesson being here, obviously, that a girl deciding to have sex while single is equivalent to a guy raping a girl. who knew?

Re-read the original post.

There are at least two situations in which the man involved could have been arrested and charged with rape.

In both cases, the woman was drunk and got herself into questionable sexual situations, and admitted to just going through with it even though she didn't really want to. The next day, she could very easily have pressed charges.

If the situation were flipped, and it were the man involved in either of those episodes, would you advise someone to continue dating him? Imagine a guy saying, "She was drunk and didn't really want to have sex with me, but I bought her the drinks so she owed me and I went through with it anyway." Does that guy sound like quality relationship material?

Her involvement is not the moral equivalent of rape, as she did not violate anyone. But take a look at the situations she is allowing herself to get into.

There actually are people who only have sex in committed relationships. I expect a potential partner to have the same standards.

 

This has nothing to do with wanting a virgin.

fair enough, I was exaggerating somewhat.

You and I obviously have discussed this a few times, and I respect your stance completely.

However, I am guessing that stance is absolute, and hence you would be able to make a definite decision regarding this girl and would not be in the same limbo that OP is given the information that he knows. Therefore, I think that it's safe to say that the OP does not share your expectations - or at least isn't 100% sure that he does.

That being the case, I don't understand how any of the judgemental, sexist BS that is spewing forth in this thread (not from you, stock) is necessary or helpful in any way.

fair enough, I was exaggerating somewhat.

Given some of the other posts in this thread, I can understand why you did that. It's just that this doesn't help to bring your point across.

You and I obviously have discussed this a few times, and I respect your stance completely.

 

However, I am guessing that stance is absolute, and hence you would be able to make a definite decision regarding this girl and would not be in the same limbo that OP is given the information that he knows. Therefore, I think that it's safe to say that the OP does not share your expectations - or at least isn't 100% sure that he does.

Yes, I wouldn't have to think twice.

But I understand that the OP is on the fence on this, doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. So my advice was to do a search for "retroactive jealousy".

There have been many threads regarding this problem and I thought that reading those might help him decide or at least give him some idea of where he stands on the issue.

I kept my personal opinion to myself, that is as impartial as I can be.

That being the case, I don't understand how any of the judgemental, sexist BS that is spewing forth in this thread (not from you, stock) is necessary or helpful in any way.

It doesn't help, especially since some of the posters actually believe that it's okay to use women for sex and then claim the women they just fu**ed are unworthy of a relationship and not apply the same judgement to themselves.

Re-read the original post.

 

There are at least two situations in which the man involved could have been arrested and charged with rape.

 

In both cases, the woman was drunk and got herself into questionable sexual situations, and admitted to just going through with it even though she didn't really want to. The next day, she could very easily have pressed charges.

 

If the situation were flipped, and it were the man involved in either of those episodes, would you advise someone to continue dating him? Imagine a guy saying, "She was drunk and didn't really want to have sex with me, but I bought her the drinks so she owed me and I went through with it anyway." Does that guy sound like quality relationship material?

 

Her involvement is not the moral equivalent of rape, as she did not violate anyone. But take a look at the situations she is allowing herself to get into.

This I completely agree with, as I said she clearly has issues with self-esteem and/or submissiveness which certainly need to be taken into account, no doubt about that. that, however, is a far cry from "she's a ho, dude" - which is I think the concept that the person that used the example was trying to illustrate.

I have no problem with trying to find out the underlying thinking behind someone's past behaviors, especially if those behaviors seem compulsive or uncharacteristic, and certainly if they have made their way into the present. I do have a problem with lumping sex into some universally "immoral" category that's typically reserved for criminal acts.

However, I am guessing that stance is absolute, and hence you would be able to make a definite decision regarding this girl and would not be in the same limbo that OP is given the information that he knows. Therefore, I think that it's safe to say that the OP does not share your expectations - or at least isn't 100% sure that he does.

OP is much like Stock in his approach to relationships.

Major difference is that he has more of a "knight in shining amour" complex.

That being the case, I don't understand how any of the judgemental, sexist BS that is spewing forth in this thread (not from you, stock) is necessary or helpful in any way.

Sexist? Prove it? We are talking about a woman... but I have yet to hear someone on this thread say the same standard doesn't apply to a man.

This personal to you? Your GF/Fiance/Wife bed the trojan army before you met? Cause then your position and passion would make sense to me... you'd have to convince yourself it didn't matter.

While I agree with your views on most things Stock, I'm going to stop your subliminal shots at me before they go any further.

I will NOT use a female for sex, then turn around and deem her unfit for relationship. I do not tolerate hypocrisy, even from myself.

Now, let me ELABORATE my point in my past statements.

If I and a female counterpart meet one night, and have sex. Fantastic. I will have only had sex if:

I am interested in said female, being she's very attractive, her personality is on point, she's relationship material.

What I WILL NOT consider relationship material is a female who THROWS herself at me ie. pretty much placing her pussy in my hands, letting it be mine do with whatever I want, with little to NO EFFORT from my part, or GETTING TO KNOW one another from both parties. I WILL NOT **** said female, or consider her worthy of my time, or heart, or commitment.

Does this clear things up?

It doesn't help, especially since some of the posters actually believe that it's okay to use women for sex and then claim the women they just fu**ed are unworthy of a relationship and not apply the same judgement to themselves.

HEY... have the guts to say that TO me... instead of about me! Cause I assume your talking about me.

I can say unequivocally, that this statement isn't true! I've been emotionally involved with, and committed to each partner I've had.

Even when I've messed up BIG... and I have... these two conditions were met!

I do have a problem with lumping sex into some universally "immoral" category that's typically reserved for criminal acts.

Fair enough, but one has to have behavioral standards for his SO. Since we can't predict the future, the best we have is the present and the past (though I prefer not to dig up the past, the OP already has).

I'll refrain from using a word like "ho" and try to state it more eloquently. This woman's behavior would be unbecoming of a girlfriend for me, personally, and if I somehow were to discover that she'd engaged in these activities, I would consider her to be of poor character and close the door on her. That's just me. I know some people like to shout "get over it" or "go to counseling," but it's not a case of some psychological disorder if I'm not willing to tolerate this. It's me having standards and principles and knowing what I'm willing to accept in a female. If I'm comfortable preferring to be alone than with someone like her, that shouldn't bother anybody else.

Of course, I can't speak for the OP, but he is asking for advice, so I am telling him what I would do in his situation. In addition, I'm hoping he'll learn from this and not dig through the past of a future girlfriend.

Given that you want to stay with her, do a search for "retroactive jealousy". There have been people here on LS that had similar problems. Maybe those threads contain info that will be helpful to you.

He will either learn to put the past behind him and not be bothered by it in the future or he will find out that he can't deal with it.

There actually are people who only have sex in committed relationships. I expect a potential partner to have the same standards.