Am I Kidding Myself?

Well, I feel kind of silly posting on this website and asking a bunch of random people whether I am kidding myself in this relationship or not - but sometimes you just need a complete third-party opinion from someone who is not involved in the slightest. I need people to be open-minded and optimistic. Having said that, I probably already sound like I a doormat.

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and the whole time has been an emotional rollercoaster. I wasn't interested in him at first but he pursued me and something clicked and we fell in love. I'll give you a bit of background information: his first girlfriend was in high school, his second girlfriend was older and their relationship was shortlived: he cheated on her with a friend he was in love with (named M) and then broke up with his girlfriend. He never dated M. He had ANOTHER female friend (named J) with whom he regularly hooked up with but they say it is all over now and they are just friends.

Then I came along and the hooking up slowed down with other girls. We began dating. A few weeks later he was sent to another city for work (it was only supposed to be for a month). I thought we were so in love that we could handle it. A month later, he told me he would be there longer but his company would pay for my weekend visits. One weekend, three of his female friends went to visit, Z, J and M. I was completely fine with this as I trusted my boyfriend although I had my doubts about J and M. While they were staying with my boyfriend, M tried to make a move on L (my boyfriend) and he declined. She went home early and Z and J were very disapproving of her.

After this, I visited again and decided to stay with him there. We lived together for a few months, independent and in love, we also went on holidays to other cities and then both returned to our home city.

The month we returned (the week before my 21st birthday), L cheated on me with M. They were all out one night without me, everyone got drunk, they went back to J's house to meet everyone else, no one was there, one thing led to another.

L was distraught. He came to me the next day a broken man. He was bawling his eyes out and thought it was the end of his life. I took him back. He vowed never to see or speak to M again. His friends were shocked that he would do this to me so he was copping it from all angles.

My doubts about J were now further fuelled by the fact that L clearly could be tempted by his friends. J and L were always very close. A few months after he cheated on me, he and his friends and myself all went away for a week on holidays. One night while we were away, everyone was drunk and my boyfriend was passed out in bed. J got upset at someone else and went to my boyfriend to talk to him. I walked into the room and found them laying down holding hands. I flipped out. J is very affectionate and has no problems holding hands, cuddling or even kissing her friends - male or female.

So has begun the very emotional fight between my boyfriend, J and myself. New Year's Eve was spent with the girl I was cheated on with, J and all of my boyfriend's friends. I was asked to put my problems aside for that night for everyone's sake. I actually WENT to a party that the girl i was cheated on with was at. That wasnt bad enough - J started a fight with me because I flipped out that she wanted to snuggle and hold hands with my boyfriend and she said she wouldnt change for me. Can males and females just be friends? My boyfriend is on J's side which is causing a big rift between me and them. I am the bad guy for questioning them. They have no respect for my request for them to not be physically affectionate. She resents me for taking him away, he resents me for splitting them up and not trusting them. I am mad at both of them for ignoring my feelings.

There is also a vibe of unappreciativeness from my boyfriend anyway. He doesnt have a license, i drive him everywhere. He doesnt cook or clean. He has a bad temper (easily angered). He has recently complained that I don't give him head enough which blew me away. I tend to think he gets it alot more than most guys would - who is he comparing this to? Whenever we have fights and I question his morale, he brings up the fact that I have slept with more people than he has (before I dated him) and that yes, I cheated on my last boyfriend. But it destroyed me so much that I would never ever do it again. The fact that he is bringing it up as ammo against me hurts.

I basically feel like I am being walked all over. My boyfriend loves me and I know he does. We have amazing sex, great moments together and we certainly have adventures.

So that is my story. What do you all think?

I was in pretty much the EXACT same situation about a year ago.

If you continue to be in this relationship, I will tell you what's going to happen.

He's going to still not appreciate you, but he will do anything you want. You might move in together, but the whole time you will still be a nervous wreck thinking about his lady friends and how he's probably messing around with them. You will go through insane bouts of paranoia and it is not worth it. It's not. I wasted so much of my life with Douchebag McGee... who seems like he is a mirror image of your boyfriend.

You might think you can change him by checking up on him and blah blah, but you won't. Someone like that will never ever change. I know you love him, but there are sooo many other fish in the sea.

Take it from me, I swear on my life I was in your same position. I stayed with him, moved in with him, and he swore on his mother's grave he would never cheat on me again. Well, guess what, he did. And not only did he do that, he left me for someone else. This was a month ago.

I have wished time and time again that I would have just left him the first time I found out he was screwing around. Please please don't make the same mistake I did. It's not worth it. I spent two years of my twenties devoted to that jerkoff, cleaning and cooking for him and cosigning loans for him. Please don't do what I did.

If you need to talk to me, you can PM me. I'm here very often.

<3 z

thank you so much for your reply, zilverenvlinder.

the whole time i was reading that my heart was pounding. it's wonderful to have a random person care so much. it's also really, really scaring me that you understand and you are confirming my doubts and that I should probably leave him.

we are actually looking for a place to move out to with (guess who), myself, my boyfriend, J and another male friend.

when i explain the situation to people, it sounds incredible. No one believes I can be this stupid and that I am subjecting myself to this. However, when i speak to my boyfriend about it, i really feel like I am over-reacting and being selfish. He works at a law firm, and he is going to be a lawyer. He is very, very good at speaking and talking his way out of anything and convincing people.

i know he sounds like a smooth-talking jerk but i can just see that he loves me. I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, i just wish he would acknowledge that more and respect me more.

we have talked about the future and settling down and getting married and having kids - talking about it for the next 10 years, not talking as if we are going to start anytime soon.

should i just mention to him that he and his friend need to respect my boundaries for them and add the or else I will have to break up with him part? the ultimatum always ends in despair for the girlfriend.

my first and only previous boyfriend of 2 years treated me like a princess. he did absolutely everything for me and I cheated on him and he took me back three times and in the end i decided i really didnt love him, i just stayed with him because he looked after me.

i learnt so much about myself from that relationship. i am extending the forgiveness and unconditional love that was given to me to my current boyfriend and all i got in return was the same treatment i gave my previous boyfriend - and look what happened in the end.

i want to stay with him so badly and make this work. i dont want a string of boyfriends. I am only 21 but i dont want to spend the next ten years of my life dating to no avail.

is it a hopeless situation? i am holding on to the small percentage of couple's advice that stay together after infidelities and hoping that it can work out if we both believe it will - and the infidelities are never repeated.

get out of this situation as fast as you can, i spent 7 years in something similar he won't change regardless of how much you love him, he will continue treating you this way - you sound like a great catch there are good guys out there looking for a gal like you.

Your boyfriend will never respect you. Especially with so many alphabets in his life, his feelings will always wander, and then he'll come running back to you crying and you'll take him back. Maybe it's hard for you to notice now, but it will become a cycle and the worst that will happen is that you'll lose your self esteem over a guy who cheats on you. First and foremost, always respect yourself and if you don't receive the same treatment that you're giving others, then you know they don't deserve your sympathy or your compassion. Thus you should run like the wind and find yourself someone who loves and respects you.

This sounds like an awful situation

I have to agree with the others, though. This doesn't sound very healthy and unfortunately it seems like it's going to end with you broken hearted.

If you do not want to leave him i'd recommend a SERIOUS chat and at least inform him that he is on very thin ice.

good luck!

The fact that he's siding with a female friend over his own girlfriend speaks volumes. He's scum. He told you he'd never see or speak to M again and then tells you to put YOUR problems aside so they can all party together? He's an ass. He is using you and emotionally manipulating you.

I wish I hadn't bothered giving second and third chances to my X. I wasted a lot of time and energy hoping that he really would keep his word.

Thanks, everyone, for your replies!

I think I am going to stick it out for a while and see how it goes. We have only been together 8 months after all and I'd hate to think I missed out on something really good just because I let past experiences (whether they were his mistakes or someone else's) affect my trust for someone who loves me. And he does love me.

I will be having a talk with him about his best friend and I will let him know what I am NOT okay with, and if he still won't respect my boundaries, then I have no choice but to leave him. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to do this - whether I give him a list of things that are inappropriate? It's the whole "what is cheating?" debate....I have always thought if one partner thinks more things are cheating, the other partner needs to respect that. Y'know?

I want to tell him that these things are inappropriate:

- holding hands alone (if at all),

- cuddling (a very extended hug, especially in positions other than the upright standing position, for any reason other than she is upset or as a greeting),

- going out alone together (which is basically a date....I may be ok with this in the future but while things are tense this is not acceptable),

- sleeping together under any circumstances,

- laying in bed/sitting on a couch touching each other under any circumstances,

- touching each other affectionately anywhere under any circumstances (stroking faces, touching smalls of the back, stroking hair, hand on leg, arm around shoulders in a more-than-friends-way)

.....am i being unreasonable? I thought these things shouldn't even have to be spelled out but I'm starting to change my mind. The thing is, my boyfriend is a very affectionate person and so is his best friend. They are like hippies or something. I love it, I am that way a little bit too, but there is a LINE.

I'd like to hear from a male who has a girlfriend AND a female best friend and find out whether males and females really can just be friends. A male friend of MINE told me that all guys want to do is have sex and that while he has a girlfriend, he doesn't let himself get close to any other females whatsoever. I was a bit surprised and I asked if he would try something on me if he had the chance and he said if he was drunk, yes he would. I tend to not believe him but he seems pretty set on thinking guys cant JUST BE FRIENDS. Not with attractive girls anyway.

People are so disappointing sometimes.

I truly think you're being taken for granted here.

The cheating would have been the end of it for me... But the fact that he makes it clear he respects his female friends over you should be a deal breaker.

He WILL cheat again- they always do.

Especially at that young age.

Well everyone, good news!!!!!

I had a talk to my boyfriend last night, it went really really well. He basically just said that he isn't interested anymore in who did what against whom (re: me and his friend) but just that it has been really immature and he is embarrassed that I would even question his loyalty towards me and then bring one of his friends into it.

He said that he has been asking more of me than his friend because he thinks our relationship is deeper and can withstand more than his and her friendship. He thinks his friend is being very protective and that she is stupid to enter a debate on who is more important to him out of her or me because she knows, he knows, everyone knows who he will choose (me). He said he is afraid that if things keep going this way that a gap will grow between him and his friend if she continues to have a problem with me being the most important girl in his life. He said he is worried he will lose her and that is why he is being a little harder on me and i said "arent you worried about losing me?" and he stopped everything and just stood there. he stared at me for a very long time and i spoke and he said shh.

then he said how dare you threaten me. he said (very slowly) i have been speaking on the idea that there isnt a chance i will lose you, but if there is, then we need to be having an ENTIRELY different conversation.

Well, i just shut my mouth...and fell in love again.

He loves me guys....i am the most important girl in his life. His best friend is important to him, but I am his GIRLFRIEND. He wants to spend his life with me.

So now he needs to go and have another talk with his friend to see if he can sort something out and let her know where her boundaries are.

But now, i really dont want them to lose each other as friends. I realy dont. So I will just have to keep doing everything I can to make this as smooth as possible.

I'm pretty happy!!!!!!!!!

I was just over-reacting the whole time.

But having said that....this is just for my situation - the guy actually was being honest and loyal. I guess there still are some douchebag boyfriends out there.

Do yourself a favor before you fully esconse yourself in denial.

Go over to the cheating forums, and see how many people will say that once their partner cheated, they did it repeatedly.

Once a cheat, always a cheat.

I understand you are very young, and not experienced, and at your age, it is easy to confuse abusive relationships with love, particularly if you came from that type of environment.

All you have done is give him a green light to continue to treat you like crap AND cheat on you, because you have just shown him that he can act out anyway he pleases, cry a little, and you will still be with him.

It was a relief to read Jilly Beans comment about an abusive relationship, because after reading your last post I think the same thing. Your last post was about the most depressing thing I've ever read on LoveShack because it blows my mind that the conversation you recounted actualy made you happy?!? i.e. that you cant see what an unhealthy one-sided conversation that was with a guy who is too smooth for his own good.

The guy is a massive douchebag and that conversation was awful. This sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship to me and you are clearly beaten down enough already if you view this kind of talk as something to get happy about.

So he's off to see if he can sort something out with the girl in question? If he was a straight up guy this situation would have been nipped in the bud a long time go and he'd have called her and said look, this is disrespectful to my girl, so if/when we hang out, there's NO over familiar contact - I'm glad we're buddies but its totally inappropriate to snuggle/etc together as I am in a committed R. But he doesnt want to tell her that so he is supposedly going over to 'negotiate' with her.Cmon girl, this is crazy.

And he wants you all to move in together? Are you mad?? He is an intelligent guy so is no dumb ass and therefore it'd be obvious to him and anyone that asking you to move in with that girl is a horrible idea. He's playing with you and enjoys this stuff...I'd run not walk away from this guy. I would put money on the fact that intimacies with J or M or whoever havent completely stopped either.

This was a sad thread read. I sincerely hope we're all wrong....

One more thing...if he is doing all of the things on your list with another girl.....then LEAVE immediately - that is abnormal behavior and you are being a doormat if you sit around and watch that happen. That stuff should be a dealbreaker (the cheating should be too-you've only been together 8 months as well and he's already cheated and continually hangs out with old flames!!).

I think if he cheated on you then he doesn't deserve you.

Be strong...kick him to the curb...find a better man. You deserve better than him...seriously.

I went through a similiar situation with my ex a looooonnnnggg time ago. He was a very flirty person, even though he didn't go as far as your bf did, with our friends, I still found it inappropriate. Are you insane?! The cheating would have been the end for me, never mind the continous hand holding, cuddling and kissing. A man who loves you and wants only you would NEVER do that.

You are telling him it's OKAY to do all those things by your actions. He's a lawyer, he has ways with words, so what? He knows perfectly well you're all talk and will not respect you. I recommend that you leave, because you will put up with this for the whole relationship for however long it lasts, and you will be miserable. The dance you guys do- you bring it up, he talks his way out of it and everything's all good until he does it again won't end until you get out of this relationship.

Trust me, there are better men out there.

 

The month we returned (the week before my 21st birthday), L cheated on me with M. They were all out one night without me, everyone got drunk, they went back to J's house to meet everyone else, no one was there, one thing led to another.

 

L was distraught. He came to me the next day a broken man. He was bawling his eyes out and thought it was the end of his life. I took him back. He vowed never to see or speak to M again. His friends were shocked that he would do this to me so he was copping it from all angles.

 

 

So that is my story. What do you all think?

The only reason someone like him would TELL someone like you that he had in fact cheated on you, was to give you reason to break-up with him.

The bad part, for all of us, is that you have yet to do so.

A guy who truly wanted to be with you

1. would never have cheated in the first place

and

2. had no cause to inform you of having done so once it happened

This is a simple one, but you're trying to justify the unjustifiable.

Do yourself a favor before you fully esconse yourself in denial.

 

Go over to the cheating forums, and see how many people will say that once their partner cheated, they did it repeatedly.

 

Once a cheat, always a cheat.

 

I understand you are very young, and not experienced, and at your age, it is easy to confuse abusive relationships with love, particularly if you came from that type of environment.

 

All you have done is give him a green light to continue to treat you like crap AND cheat on you, because you have just shown him that he can act out anyway he pleases, cry a little, and you will still be with him.

Keep reading the above post....

Wow. So he basically said that he respects his female friend more than you because he treats her better than you. He is already positive that you can take being crapped on and won't leave him, whereas his friend obviously can't. And you take that as a COMPLIMENT??

Gees, he is smooth. I've seen it, hun - I divorced it. If you don't leave now, you will waste too much of your life on this loser. I would also be P.O.'d at him saying that he was "embarrassed" about what you did. You do realize that's what he said - he was embarrassed for YOUR behavior, not his own. What an asshat.

Hey guys,

I know that I am going against all odds staying with this person but I think it will be worth it.

We are having a really rough time finding our feet after he betrayed my trust but I do believe he wouldn't do it again.

I cheated on my last boyfriend and I would never do it again. Everyone judges people by their own standards, what THEY would do in their situation.

I am having anxiety problems at the moment and I like to think I can control them. This isn't so much about me and him as it is just about me. I need to take control.

I'm also going to back off him a bit and stop being so clingy. If my backing off means he loses interest then so be it.

I am just not a fan of giving up.

MJ I'm sorry to be blunt - but look at the facts : the guy cheated on you and betrayed the trust you put in him, this should be enough to show you who he is - at least at this stage of his life.

You need to gain your own experience though so I whish you success and strength no matter what your choices are. Judge the actions, not the words.