shift in relationship... not sure to how to handle it.

My situation at the time, I think I misread some of his comments because I think they were thrown out at me as more of a means to “test the water”. I have come to learn my guy is not direct & perhaps I am not either which probably caused a lot of confusion between the two of us.

As for the OP, she obviously sensed that you were freaked out otherwise she wouldn’t have said it to begin with. You said that she automatically went into relationship mode from the very beginning so it’s pretty clear she sensed something on your end that told her to back off.

And you yourself said it takes a lot for someone to get through to you in terms of emotions/feelings or at least showing them so she most likely picked up on that. If that is true, then I don't think this has anything to do with her interest level in you but moreso that you are not willing to let her (or maybe anyone) in at this point emotionally.

when we had our talk, she seemed frustrated that I didn't seem to show passion or intimate emotion on my face and I suppose my body in general... (I've always been the type to say what I feel instead of showing it). Due to various situations in my past, I've taught myself to shut down emotionally and to not be affected by others.. a sort of shield you could say. It's really hard for me to break down this shield... although I feel it's happening now (I wish it had happened then).

I feel so much potential with this girl, and my gut just tells me that it would be a shame to never really see where it could have gone... as it slowed before it really began...

when we had our talk, she seemed frustrated that I didn't seem to show passion or intimate emotion on my face and I suppose my body in general... (I've always been the type to say what I feel instead of showing it). Due to various situations in my past, I've taught myself to shut down emotionally and to not be affected by others.. a sort of shield you could say. It's really hard for me to break down this shield... although I feel it's happening now (I wish it had happened then).

 

I feel so much potential with this girl, and my gut just tells me that it would be a shame to never really see where it could have gone... as it slowed before it really began...

If you feel so much potential & your gut is already telling you what it needs too then ask yourself what is holding you back. Yes you can still be smart about it but at some point some of the shield has to come down otherwise you will continue going in circles. It doesnt happen overnight & when you meet the right one & you become more comfortable with someone, it gets easier over time. You learn to trust each other more over time but you have to at least be willing too, otherwise it's all for nothing.

agreed. I told her that it takes time with me... that I was more comfortable with her each time I saw her. And so I'm now at the point where I'm almost completely comfortable.

What's holding me back is the worry that I might now want to be moving too fast for HER....

and she doesn't seem to really want to have another talk about this stuff at the moment (referring back to the "take things as they come" comment)

Well from the sounds of things, you are both past the "dating" stage so you both need to have a discussion on where it goes from here. You can do that by stating to her what it is you want out of it & then ask her the same.

Oh didnt read that last part well you just need to ask her then to further clarify what she meant by that comment.

I really don't want to do that... yet. She feels as if she's totally overanalyzed our situation, and doesn't want to do that anymore. I suppose she feels that doing so would be detrimental...

what I;m hoping for is that I can (as I said) subtly get things going a little more, so that the topic might come up naturally instead of a pre-arranged "let's sit down and talk about this" (which both of us feel weird doing)

I really don't want to do that... yet. She feels as if she's totally overanalyzed our situation, and doesn't want to do that anymore. I suppose she feels that doing so would be detrimental...

 

what I;m hoping for is that I can (as I said) subtly get things going a little more, so that the topic might come up naturally instead of a pre-arranged "let's sit down and talk about this" (which both of us feel weird doing)

Yes natural progression and it should also show her that you have thought about it enough so to want to discuss it.

well... today'll and tomorrow be an interesting couple days in this regard....

hm. seems that I won't be alone with her at the concert tomorrow... people we know are also coming

bad timing... now I'll have an even harder time knowing how to behave around her... behave just like a friend... or something slightly more... crickey!

Hey OP, I came on here to see if you made any progress. Seems like not from your post, but why can't you spend alone time with her after the concert? I doubt the two of you are going to the concert as "just friends" since you already have a history together so just be yourself. So, you could always take her aside and just kiss her!

Hey OP, I came on here to see if you made any progress. Seems like not from your post, but why can't you spend alone time with her after the concert? I doubt the two of you are going to the concert as "just friends" since you already have a history together so just be yourself. So, you could always take her aside and just kiss her!

lol, this is why I was never good with group dates... I really need the 1 on 1 dynamic...

nah, can't go anywhere alone afterwords... our mutual friends (from out of town) are staying at her place... so they'll probably head over there afterwords...

I think I'm just too damn shy to make assumptions and take her aside and kiss her... the most I can fathom doing in this case it just keeping closer physical contact. In fact I'm not even sure we'll kiss goodnight at the end due to our friends being around... and doing that kind of makes a 'declaration', if you know what I mean... since we're not officially a "couple" yet.

anyway, thanks for logging on I'll post and let ya know how it goes tomorrow

OK well hopefully she'll plant one on you then have fun at the concert I will keep my fingers crossed!

thanks!

....she just now sent me a text wishing me goodnight and thanking me for finding tickets for tomorrow... that was unexpected. It always makes me happy to hear from her without me having to contact her first.

Well that's good! I'm sure she has wanted to but it all goes back to what I said earlier before. Maybe you two just needed a little space in-between before reaching your destination.

oh well.

Before our friends arrived for the concert, she invited me over... so we talked... she expressed that she doesn't want a boyfriend right now (I know I know... it all sounds like the same stuff over and over)... I genuinely believe that she just needs time. That's all. I told her I was fine with this, and more or less explained my side, saying some of what I've explained here (expect the gushier stuff... not the moment for that. I wasn't trying to win her back... she needs to realize this on her own). We've agreed to be friends for now (yes I know... I'm somewhat freaked that I'll never have the chance to get outta that category). She said that the desire for a boyfriend hasn't "hit" her yet... which is why I think that she probably would have said similar things to most people... and by the same token, she won't be rushing to find someone new anytime soon. This sounds like me making excuses for myself, but in actuality I truly believe that she says what she means... she's just that type of person.

So we went to the concert with our friends... needless to say I couldn't enjoy it as much as I would have liked... but I put on a happy face and went along with the evening, the group of us went back to hang out at her place afterwords... had some "fun" (for the others). When I left at 3am we didn't kiss goodbye of course... I guess it sunk in at that point that hope was gone for now... and maybe forever. It's weird you know... you get feelings about some people being right for you... but then some seem far more compatible that any others ever were. For the first time EVER I was able to completely overlook my initial lack of physical attraction for a girl (she's pretty, but not in the best shape in the world) and fall completely for her personality... and then see her as a beautiful person as a result of that. And then it has to go like this... I suppose I'll secretly hold out hope that she finally comes around at some point... depending on how things go, I may even bring it up again in a few months... but that's a long time from now. I'm afraid that I very rarely let myself fall for someone... shame it has to happen this way...

I'll probably be seeing her tomorrow (she'll be coming by my studio [i'm an art student])... I plan to briefly take her aside and just clarify that I want possibilities to remain open... that categories ("friends"... "boyfriends") are not needed (we have to different a vibe between us for this to be req'd). Yeah... so just basically to cement the idea that she doesn't have to feel awkward about letting me know if she's come around (in the future... She's also the type to hide it, after what's happened). And more than that, I want to make sure that I can still talk to her about important things... and she to me. I can be friends, but I don't want to shut her out either.

I plan this to be the last I'll mention of it for a while.... and then just see where things go from here.

It's a weird situation isn't it... we weren't really friends before... then we weren't really in a relationship.... but yet kinda were briefly. Now we're friends...

I firmly believe in the potential... and I'll never stop believing that with this one...

EDIT: incidentally, I know some will say... "oh, just get out there and meet new girls!"... I know this. I'm shy and don't meet many girls in that way. That isn't going to change right now.

so she stopped by... I didn't go into the the whole talk about keeping things open. I'm not sure I will... or I'll only do it if the conversation lends itself a natural opening. I don't want to irritate her by further analyzing. And as hard as it might be, maybe it's just better to simply hang out with her for a while... if nothing else, it'll hopefully let me see where she stands with us. I felt sadish when she left, but the happiness that I feel when she's around will more than make up for that in the future I suspect.

We had a pleasant talk about a few things... Our goodbye's now consist of hugs... which is is better than nothing, and afirms that she still likes me as a person (which, you know, the thought would cross your mind)

We're going to see a movie next week when she's back in town... not a date, obviously, but just two people who enjoy each other's company hanging out (well, I'm assuming she enjoys my company. She's said she does )

so then... this'll be the way it is then for a long while I suspect. I'll try and very subtlely work on a few things which might help my cause ultimately... but I'm glad to say that I've now got a more positive outlook on the situation... One can only hope for the best

bumped one last time for LionLover...

no bounces for you Mr. Laughy

.....bounces?

We're going to see a movie next week when she's back in town... not a date, obviously, but just two people who enjoy each other's company hanging out (well, I'm assuming she enjoys my company. She's said she does )

So....when is this movie night supposed to happen exactly...

So....when is this movie night supposed to happen exactly...

it was supposed to happen on Tuesday... but it was all sold out... then I was busy the next day, and she's busy till Monday... so Monday it'll be I suppose...

I totally get that you're getting mixed signals...that is on the person sending them.

BUT...it is on you if you allow those mixed signals to mix-up your own thought processes and feelings, and have you scurrying this way and that.

 

To retain YOUR OWN sanity, it would be best to conduct yourself according to her words. The reason for that is because it is crazy-making to try to read other people's minds and intentions and whatever is going on for them, internally. That is not your job. Besides, as a race, we have not yet perfected our telepathic skills.

 

Maybe she is genuinely not aware of her confusing signals, maybe she is very much aware. But "maybes" don't help your sanity.

 

IMO, you would be best to wait until the actual words come out of her mouth, "Okay, I'm ready to take things to a more serious level."

 

Well, not even. As I see it, that is your SECOND best thing to do. But I'm not sure if you are ready to even consider the VERY best thing...which is to just make yourself unavailable. It'll be a challenge, and it'll be painful, and it'll be "oh, stop my aching heart." I know it will be all of that.

But it's still the best input that I have to offer you, based on what you've posted. (((hugs))) <-- and I know that doesn't make it any easier, either. Sorry .

That is such great advice.

I'm not going to even bother paraphrasing.

So many people make the mistake of being too available.

When someone makes it clear they want to take a step back... it's always best to respond to that with taking a step back yourself.

I've made the mistake of being too available to unsure people in the past, and all it has done is teach these guys that I'm just there when they need me. It doesn't teach them to respect me or give them a push to work for me.

RW is right- people want what they think they can't have. It's basic human psychology.... She isn't "sure"... so you make the mistake of thinking that you should stand up and allow her to believe you are sure. Do the opposite and you'll get a more meaningful response.

oh well sure... I've only seen her once in the last 2 weeks now....

thing is, we hadn't gotten to the point of "missing what I once had".... it just hadn't been long enough.

Anyway, I don't know if you've read the rest of the thread, but that might explain better where we stand now...

I'll see her every now and then... as friends... but I won't bring up the topic of "relationship" for a few months (that is, unless she does). In that time I'll be open to seeing other people... which will also allow me to re-evaluate where I stand with this girl. I've seen other ppl before though, and this one still stands out... so I don't know how much that'll change.

I've made a decision to change a few things about myself as well... as I know part of the reason that I'm in my current situation is because of how I reacted to her initial approaches (or more how I didn't react... being unsure that I wanted a relationship with her.. I know.. I know).

Monday would be a good night...In person. Not at the art studio.

Not going to the movies either, cause that's what friends do.

Me thinks she doesn't want to be just "friends", just "date" or have a "lustful fling".

She wants a relationship with him (bf) so the only question that remains is, if he wants one with her too.

Monday would be a good night...In person. Not at the art studio.

 

Not going to the movies either, cause that's what friends do.

 

Me thinks she doesn't want to be just "friends", just "date" or have a "lustful fling".

 

She wants a relationship with him (bf) so the only question that remains is, if he wants one with her too.

nothing wrong with meeting up at the studio... we both have that in common (we were in the same program in undergrad), so hey.

She's said she doesn't want a relationship at this time (and based on how things went down, and when she decided it, I honestly believe she's being totally truthful with me about this). Fine. I told her I just wanted to be friends when we first met (which I think surprised her), but that I changed my mind over time due to how she reacted to me (chasing me essentially. I realize I just didn't react fast enough). She said she'd wished she knew this a long time ago... that's understandable.

Anyway, I still think she's be open to a relationship at some point... just not now. I'm NOT going to force her into "dating" me right now, and it would be best to just hang out. We have agreed to be friends, but I think I made it clear that we'd keep it open... so as not to absolutely block out any future possibilities.... There WAS something there... and I know that she felt it... but I think it was just the wrong time with both of us.

so yes, I'll go to the movies with her... maybe dancing too. You know, mix it up a bit. I'm trying to stop seeing her as gf material... trying to see her as I first did, more or less (makes it easier for me). But as I've mentioned... what's needed now is time. Time to reflect... and at the end of it all, time to just start fresh with her (if it feels right).

btw, it's nice to be able to talk to people about this... I'm quite reserved (with emotional things) in real life, even with people who I'm close to... and prob wouldn't discuss it them in person..