I lied to my husband and he won't forgive me

A few years ago, I lied to my husband about the amount of debt I was in before we got married. I only told him a certain amount of debt and then last year I finally told him that I still owe money from that debt. It was wrong to do, I knew that then and I know that now, but I didn't want to lose my marriage because of it. At the time I did it, I just didn't want to disappoint him and I wanted to handle it on my own since it was my debt. I was so afraid of losing his love. I was afraid to tell him because I know how money is soo important to him and I just wanted to fix it on my own. I really regret having lied to him, he has now told me that he's not in love with me anymore and that he does want a divorce but right now we can't divorce because financially we are better off living as roommates..he has told me that its not a good time to put our house on the market and wants me to have more money in the bank. We tried going to counseling about 6 times but he didn't like it... he thought it only made things worse. He has removed his wedding ring at first he told me and showed me that the ring doesn't fit and another time he told that he can't wear it because he's too angry with me. He has also taken this time to go out to bars at least 2-3 times a week because he says he needs to do things that makes him happy and he can't always be around me because it just reminds him of the lie. He told me he just wants to be able to get along as if we were friends. We have a 3 1/2 year old son. I totally accept what I did was wrong and I have apologized and promised not to do it again I really want to work through this with him. He is just soooo angry that he doesn't even want to read books or anything about it. How I can help earn his trust back? Also how can I help get thru this?

I think he's using the money issue as an excuse for something deeper.

He clearly wants out of the relationship and I don't think addressing the trust issue will change that.

Time to start looking out for yourself. Get your affairs in order and prepare for divorce.

He told me he just wants to be able to get along as if we were friends. We have a 3 1/2 year old son. I totally accept what I did was wrong and I have apologized and promised not to do it again I really want to work through this with him. He is just soooo angry that he doesn't even want to read books or anything about it. How I can help earn his trust back? Also how can I help get thru this?

Why would you want his trust back?

Your way better off without him. This guy is a freak and a jerk. When a guy thinks money is more important to him than his wife... he isn't much of a man.

It was wrong to do, I knew that then and I know that now, but I didn't want to lose my marriage because of it.

Your present behaviour is the same as in the past. You still don't want to do the honourable thing above everything else, instead your prime directive is to keep the marriage.

I totally accept what I did was wrong and I have apologized and promised not to do it again I really want to work through this with him.

How much debt are you talking about here?

I have to agree with Enema, money is a big part of life but when it comes to love it just should not matter.You were wrong to hide this but hey we all do silly things, i dont think that is the real underlying issue here.You must be feeling terrible and unfortunately he has succeeded in reverting the blame on to you, via a debt problem.You my dear are not to blame here, fact (though rough) is anyone who throws away a marriage because of debt was never in there for the long haul.Marriage these days does not seem to carry the we can get through anything clause as it once did.

Dont blame yourself, and the situation you are in now having to live alongside this will drag the soul from you, i strongly advise you get out of there asap and begin the process of moving on, its hard (hard being an undersatement) i know but you will go down if your there living with the man you still love...I hope you will keep us updated, i feel for you i really do.......good luck ;o)

There's more to this than meets the eye, MM.

I can understand his being upset, but to end the marriage over this?? No way. There are other issues here. You really need to find out the deeper reasons he has for wanting divorce.

His excuse for hanging out at bars several times a week is pretty thin as well. Do you know for a fact that he is at a bar?? Who's he with?? Red flag territory here.

You both need to discuss this, preferably in MC. In the mean time I would make sure that you and your child's interests are protected. If money is so important to him, he's going to be shocked when the child support payments start.

Good Luck

I agree with everyone else here. A long lasting lie will hurt your relationship. And money is a big factor in a relationship. But I can say with complete certainty that in your position my husband wouldn't be asking for a divorce or heading to bars 2-3 a week saying he 'can't stand the sight of me'.

There is something else going on here - it isn't about the money.

Deception over a big thing like that will hurt and will take time to recover from. But your DH is using this as an excuse for something else? To divorce? To play around for a bit? To play single for a bit? Who knows?

Well I agree that it sounds like this is in some way an excuse for her husband...although I do think it really depends on the amount we are talking about relative to their income, etc.

A huge amount of undisclosed debt, to me, is tantamount to betrayal and in some sense thievery, since once you are married, that debt more or less belongs to both of you (not always strictly, but usually for practical purposes).

It might not be fair to think of it this way but to me the size of the lie would be proportional to the actual debt amount. Hiding a few hundred

misspent dollars is pretty trivial, while not admirable. If I found out about

something like that vs tens of thousands in debt...hell yeah my reaction would be different. And a really big lie is a HUGE red flag and a serious indication of disrespect and self-serving demeanor.

In short, I can imagine a monetary amount that would make me think divorce...regardless of other circumstances. It would be a REALLY BIG amount...but...it's there...

How much debt are you talking about here?

I owe about $5700.00.

I agree with the others, I think he's just making the lie an excuse to get out of the marriage. In fact, you should tell him that the only reason why you kept it a secret is because you were afraid he'd react this way!

I am going to assume that this 6k debt is something stupid like credit card debt and not something useful like school loans.

With that figure I would be really pissed as well that someone would LIE to me about but I would not have the feeling that they were trying to screw me over something...

I think he is over reacting and just using this issue to make you be the bad guy. Maybe he is using it to justify an affair...

I agree with the list that there may be underlying issues but we certainly shouldn't brush off the aspect of it being only about the money. My wife and I are in MC and IC and info I have is that alot of marriages can come apart over financial issues.

The matter of trust must also come up. I feel the way I do about my marriage because of financial trust issues with my wife. She hid/lied about financial aspects before and after we were married and this has been terrible. Love can should certainly win over the money but when you live every day in dread of what bombshell might come next there is only so much you can take.

When one person in a relationship has finances as a high priority it can also have an affect if there have been lies about things such as spending and debt. Try to get to the heart of the matter find out if it really is the money alone or if there are other issues. I don't know how you can/should do this but I'm sure people on the list would have some great input.

With all that being said I think his actions tend to point away from it being soley about the money/debt. He should keep his butt at home and not spend more money/time at the bars.

I owe about $5700.00.

If that's the extent of it, less than six grand, there is something else driving your husbands anger. Or... he may be a complete control freak, only feeling happy when he has you trapped in a position of distress and submission.

I just ran up over 20k of card debt during a major interstate move. That's by far the most I have owed on credit cards. Sure, it'll take 12-16 months to pay it off... So what? Once paid it's done. Make a budjet and begin paying your debts. Never pay less than twice the minimum (which isn't much) and it'll be gone soon enough.

If the above isn't good enough for your husband, ask him what is. Oh... and don't hide your finiancial gaffes. Hiding finances from your husband is a lot like hiding an emotional affair. It leads to nothing good.

I'm going to guess that the fact of the lie has been fare more disturbing to him than the content of the lie.

I've been going through this in my own marriage and in the final analysis, it comes down to measures of character, integrity and trust.

Both of you have to be willing to work on the issue to resolve it.

Its just an excuse. He wants his exit OUT and he found it in your undisclosed debt.

Let the guy go and hang on to your child

I agree that it's an excuse to get out of the marriage.

I owe about $5700.00.

Are you serious? Ending a marriage because of less than 6K? I have two questions: Why did you lie about $5,700? He must be mad about something else than the $5,700 debt.

His going to bars 3 times a week can easily add up to that amount over time (though slightly exaggerated, but not really that far from the truth).

Do you mind my asking what you and him do for living?

Very sorry to see your marriage going through this. I’m not going to hijack this thread and will start my own but this comes real close to the heart. Yes, I have been lurking LS for a while now.

MM5, I really hope you can provide a couple of additional details. First, how many times have you lied to your husband about the debt? Was it ‘look you in the eye’ lies or just a brush under the rug avoidance of telling him the truth? I see conflict avoidance here, by both parties. Also, what degree of deception was used hiding the debt from him? You getting the mail first, sending the bill(s) to work, getting a P.O. Box, etc?

Trust has been broken. Could he just be using this debt as an excuse to leave the marriage, sure. But I am willing to bet a year’s salary that broken trust has 100 times more to do with his behavior than ANY dollar amount. Have you validated (by telling him) the hurt, pain and suffering that he is feeling from this lack of trust he now has toward the person he married? Once trust is gone, the mind can develop very cruel possibilities, real or not. If you want to keep this marriage YOU will need to be the one to initiate building that trust again. Complete honesty from this day forward. Not even a white lie. Including how you feel about this BS of him not wearing YOUR wedding ring.

IMO, right now he is trying to ‘punish’ you. Sounds like this whole bar thing a couple times a week is something new. He is acting out by showing you what selfish behavior feels like on the receiving end.

You say that ‘it’ (lying, not the money) will never happen again. Why should he believe words from someone who has already betrayed trust? This needs to be accomplished through actions, not words.

This marriage is not over. Bad market or not, if he wanted out that bad right now he would have put the house up for sale and left before it even sold. I think he realizes there is a lot he stands to lose here. Remind him of that, especially the family with a beautiful three-year-old son.

I ask myself : If I were to marry a man who said he had $ 10,000 in debt but in reality had $ 20,000 in debt. How would his lie affect me ? Would I be liable for his debt ? How much could I just move on from the fact and realize he lied because he knew I would dissaprove.

I would put that under the category of : Lying about something to make the other person not aware of the true situation. That could hold true for many things you could lie about : Herpes . HIV positive , former criminal ,

Does that person have the right to know about any of the above ? Absolutely .

Could I forgive someone who had sex with me who had herpes ? , No. HIV P+ ?, No. Murderer ? No.

There is a right to know and reveal.

Should your husband be this angry ? NO. I think there is something deeper here to throw it all away on debt he isn't ( likely ) liable..

I recently fessed up to my husband of over 15 years that we have credit car debt that he was unaware of. We currently have over $25K and I recently paid off another $25K. At first he was very understanding - I mean truly understanding how it happened and what i was going through. It wasn't a case of me being a shopaholic or anything. Actually I never spend money on myself. It is amazing how the debt can accumulate.

but he has since become very cold towards me and admitted that it was the deception as well as the money. We have always had poor communication skills with each other and rarely fight. We never get into anything enough. We are both "avoiders", if you will. which is part of the reason we are in this situation. I never did anything to intentionally hurt him. My reasoning was that I thought I could get rid of this debt without him ever having to stress about it at all. Which of course I couldn't do, then the debt kept increasing and I couldn't get it under control. Interest, etc...then I was terrified to tell him because I was afraid he would hate me, think I was stupid, divorce me, whatever. I was so scared

Well anyway, I spend my days crying and depressed. I still can't sleep at night. He originally said things like "we will handle this together" and "its only money". but now he is pretty chilly towards me. It has only been a week. I know the way he is though, he will think this over and over and over in his head and let his anger and anxiety get the better of him. he is a type "A" person, a perfectionist and I know this is killing him.

He needs to fogive me so we can move forward.

He is a truly wonderful husband, father and friend. I am so lucky we are together. I can't believe I may have ruined this.

I went through a pretty similar situation just over a year ago. I lied to my husband (of 10 years) about my credit card debt. I have always had some sort of credit card debt that I lied to him about this last time however was the most. Just over a year ago I finally told him about ALL of it. He was extremely hurt more about my lying to him than the money. I decieved him and I couldn't take it back. I feel horrible about what I did and will never do it again. I will suggest to anyone that is hiding something like this to come clean! I could have lost my husband, our kids, and our home, etc. I was being very selfish and was only thinking of myself and not what affect it was having on my marriage and my family. My husband has been very supportive through this and also very angry. I don't blame him, I was very angry and pissed at myself, I hurt him terribly. I am the one that screwed up, I know I can't take it back and we are working very hard at moving forward. I need to EARN his trust back, he as forgiven me but trust is so much more. Yes, I would have liked to to happen overnight, but realistically I know that it is going to take time. It has been over a year, I don't have his trust completely although it gets better everyday. We are taking it one day at a time. I was never a very "Open" person and that has changed quite a bit in the last year. Comminicate is very important in all aspects of life. It took me a hell of a long time to realize that. Be patient and comminicate, communicate, communicate. Our relationship has grown so much in the past year and will continue to grow, it is not easy you both have to work at it. The more you work at it the better it is.

I agree with everyone else here. A long lasting lie will hurt your relationship. And money is a big factor in a relationship. But I can say with complete certainty that in your position my husband wouldn't be asking for a divorce or heading to bars 2-3 a week saying he 'can't stand the sight of me'.

 

There is something else going on here - it isn't about the money.

Oh I wouldn't be so sure. I would say it depends on the amount of debt. If a someone worked hard to make their financial situation comfortable, then married someone that lied to them about their debt and that debt basically submarined all that person worked for, that could be enough for someone to divorce.

If someone I married lied about it and then later I find out she brought $5,000 of debt down on me by marrying me, then I'd be highly pissed, but I wouldn't end the marriage over it.

But if it was $25,000 or more, then I might consider divorcing over that. I didn't bust my ass to have someone lie to me and destroy everything I had worked for.

Oh I wouldn't be so sure. I would say it depends on the amount of debt....

You might want to read the thread. The OP already stated that the debt was $5700.

You might want to read the thread. The OP already stated that the debt was $5700.

I did read the thread. I was responding to someone's assertion that it may not be about money. It very well could be.

$5700 wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but I'd be a little pissed. But to someone else, that might be more than they can pay back.

Probably what I'd do is tell her to get a weekend job to pay the money back, not tell her I want a divorce.