The fact you have a boyfriend is pretty relevant I think

I also find that men react REALLY strangely when you drop the B Bomb. If I'm having an interesting conversation with a guy and I happen to mention my bf, they get all weird and almost flustered. I hate that pause of awkwardness...I really do. So, in the hopes of avoiding such weirdness, I don't mention the bf unless it's relevant.

I respect that you don't like the effect it has, but that effect is for a reason. Many guys don't want to flirt with you if you have a boyfriend. While it serves to make you feel better and to aid you in getting your rather selfish needs met, what about the person you're intentionally snowing for your own benefit? How is that respectful to him and why would he have any interest in even being a friend if you're willing to act selfishly?

I respect that you don't like the effect it has, but that effect is for a reason. Many guys don't want to flirt with you if you have a boyfriend. While it serves to make you feel better and to aid you in getting your rather selfish needs met, what about the person you're intentionally snowing for your own benefit? How is that respectful to him and why would he have any interest in even being a friend if you're willing to act selfishly?

I completely agree. If it's JUST a friendly conversation, "the b-bomb" will have no effect at all. Think about it... even if they are interested, "the b-bomb" will only have that effect on the insecure or immature ones. I had this discussion with a girl at a bar the other night because she mentioned her bf to my buddy who approached her and he said "well i guess there's no point in talking to you" and she got all pissy, lol. She and I enjoyed our discussion and I told her that I'm glad she says it outright, but it doesn't affect anything, I can still enjoy talking to her. It just means if I want ass I should look elsewhere.

Look... there are PLENTY of hott girls to go around, and I don't care if a girl has a bf, I'll still talk to her as long as I'm enjoying myself. But if I'm looking for a date, I'll move on or ask her to introduce me to her friends.

What does bug me is if I'm talking to a girl for hours and hanging out with her and THEN she mentions him... that's frustrating. Why would you talk to a complete stranger for hours?

As if I'm asking her out so we can go back to my place and bake cookies and and browse Jo-Ann fabrics or something.

Are we really at the point where I have to start every interaction with "...so, do you have a boyfriend" in order to find out this small important detail?

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect those who are "taken" to own up to it right off the bat. I don't think you need to specifically ask a girl if she has a BF. Instead, I think it's her responsibility - not only out of politeness towards you, but also out of respect for her BF! - to somehow, some way, let you know she's unavailable.

 

 

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect those who are "taken" to own up to it right off the bat. I don't think you need to specifically ask a girl if she has a BF. Instead, I think it's her responsibility - not only out of politeness towards you, but also out of respect for her BF! - to somehow, some way, let you know she's unavailable.

Well yes-I agree under almost every circumstance-like at a party, or especially at club/bar -but what if it is business related-at a work function-and you are discussing work?

Personally-I find it undercuts me to throw it in - like my mind is not on business at hand or something! Unless I get a weird vibe-if it is work related why should I mention anything about my personal life? Right?

 

 

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect those who are "taken" to own up to it right off the bat. I don't think you need to specifically ask a girl if she has a BF. Instead, I think it's her responsibility - not only out of politeness towards you, but also out of respect for her BF! - to somehow, some way, let you know she's unavailable.

THANK YOU, Star Gazer... how anyone can fail to understand this is completely beyond me... girls who intentionally don't mention the bf because they're afraid the guy will react KNOW the guy is interested, and don't want him to stop talking to her.

Squeak, I think you bring up a valid point. If it's strictly professional, the bf is an irrelevant detail. Once the conversation turns to small talk, it couldn't hurt to throw the detail in at some point so people are aware. The moment you sense he's flirting with you, you should let him know you're taken so he can save himself some embarrassment.

In general, if I start flirting with a girl, I expect her to mention the bf as soon as she realizes I'm flirting, and then let me make the call on whether I want to continue talking to her in a friendly way, or move on.

Squeak, I think you bring up a valid point. If it's strictly professional, the bf is an irrelevant detail. Once the conversation turns to small talk, it couldn't hurt to throw the detail in at some point so people are aware. The moment you sense he's flirting with you, you should let him know you're taken so he can save himself some embarrassment.

Keep in mind, one of them was a girl I had invited her and her dog to join my dog and I at the park. She took my number and said she would call me. Do you think that might have been the time? I'm not talking about, "hey how you doin". This is getting together at a later time upon my request.

I still just have a nagging feeling about this weekend.

Keep in mind, one of them was a girl I had invited her and her dog to join my dog and I at the park. She took my number and said she would call me. Do you think that might have been the time? I'm not talking about, "hey how you doin". This is getting together at a later time upon my request.

 

I still just have a nagging feeling about this weekend.

I completely agree. The number is your last chance to come clean without being a selfish butt-head (damn censorship), IMO. Showing up with her husband/bf... that takes some nerve! <shakes head>

This happened to me today and I am uncertain if "the boyfriend" is a blowoff line or if it was real. The context: a group camping trip with 20 people. I didn't talk or flirt with her too much alone, but I felt we flirted some, and over 3 days I never heard her mention her boyfriend, despite another girl in the group mentioning hers at least 10 times. When we were unloading all the gear afterwards, she was waiting around, and it seemed like she was waiting to talk to me because she came up to me. I get her email (I was still busy at that point in time) to exchange photos, and a few minutes later I too could leave just as she was leaving. we walk out together and I ask her about her class schedule. I mention that I am on her campus a couple times a week and suggest we meet for a drink. "Sure." "Great, can I have your number?" "Yeah, but I have a boyfriend." Now, we weren't flirting flirting with touching, and I did not isolate her much over the weekend, but we did talk for probably 1/2 hour just the two of us, and several HOURS with 3-4 other people standing around, and not once did I hear "boyfriend."

I think Riddler's response "would he mind if I asked you on a date?" would have been good, because I don't know if she was just telling me "no" in the easiest way or if she was telling me the truth.

In all fairness, though, I wasn't flirting that much. All I can do is the obligatory facebook/myspace talk and see if I can verify a boyfriend.

But in general, this happens A LOT!!! Is it right? No. However, sometimes it means her relationship is not that good. Maybe it has been on/off. You don't know. Sometimes it is a blow off. Sometimes it is legit. My time is never wasted talking to an interesting woman for 1/2 hour, but it would be nice if I have enough information to decide "do I want to continue talking to her?" Chances are, YES, but I want that information.

This happened to me today and I am uncertain if "the boyfriend" is a blowoff line or if it was real. The context: a group camping trip with 20 people. I didn't talk or flirt with her too much alone, but I felt we flirted some, and over 3 days I never heard her mention her boyfriend, despite another girl in the group mentioning hers at least 10 times. When we were unloading all the gear afterwards, she was waiting around, and it seemed like she was waiting to talk to me because she came up to me. I get her email (I was still busy at that point in time) to exchange photos, and a few minutes later I too could leave just as she was leaving. we walk out together and I ask her about her class schedule. I mention that I am on her campus a couple times a week and suggest we meet for a drink. "Sure." "Great, can I have your number?" "Yeah, but I have a boyfriend." Now, we weren't flirting flirting with touching, and I did not isolate her much over the weekend, but we did talk for probably 1/2 hour just the two of us, and several HOURS with 3-4 other people standing around, and not once did I hear "boyfriend."

 

I think Riddler's response "would he mind if I asked you on a date?" would have been good, because I don't know if she was just telling me "no" in the easiest way or if she was telling me the truth.

 

In all fairness, though, I wasn't flirting that much. All I can do is the obligatory facebook/myspace talk and see if I can verify a boyfriend.

 

But in general, this happens A LOT!!! Is it right? No. However, sometimes it means her relationship is not that good. Maybe it has been on/off. You don't know. Sometimes it is a blow off. Sometimes it is legit. My time is never wasted talking to an interesting woman for 1/2 hour, but it would be nice if I have enough information to decide "do I want to continue talking to her?" Chances are, YES, but I want that information.

Agreed. Sounds like she was enjoying talking to you.

I would normally tell the guy that I have a boyfriend if he asks/asks for my number/buy me a drink, etc.

This happened the other day when I was out, I was with friends when a guy came up an started talking to me we had been talking for probably about 5 minutes about-cars I think?- when he just out of the blue asked me if I had a bf, I said yes. And then he just walked off-What the heck. He cant have a normal conversation without thinking of himself I assume?

But yeah I would always say that I have a boyfriend because I love and respect my boyfriend, and obviously wouldnt like to lead anyone on:)

I would normally tell the guy that I have a boyfriend if he asks/asks for my number/buy me a drink, etc.

This happened the other day when I was out, I was with friends when a guy came up an started talking to me we had been talking for probably about 5 minutes about-cars I think?- when he just out of the blue asked me if I had a bf, I said yes. And then he just walked off-What the heck. He cant have a normal conversation without thinking of himself I assume?

But yeah I would always say that I have a boyfriend because I love and respect my boyfriend, and obviously wouldnt like to lead anyone on:)

If a guy's gonna walk off abruptly like that, he's obviously after a date, a hookup, a gf, whatever. He's not there to make friends. He should have been polite enough to at least excuse himself tho.

Let me clarify.

I do not walk around flirting with every man in sight with the hopes of being offered the much coveted phone number.

If I notice that a male is flirting with me, then I gently make mention of the bf. Any inclination of interest on his part compels me to reveal that I am with someone.

I don't understand why one cannot have conversations with the opposite sex without having to "inform" them of their status. Again, I would NEVER mislead someone as to my status... However, I do not feel the need to mention it simply because of some kind of perceived duty or onus on my end.

What does the alternative suggest (that being I inform every male I encounter that I have a bf)? "I'm hot and I know you want me so I'm going to awkwardly mention that I have a bf and you better back off!"

I don't understand why one cannot have conversations with the opposite sex without having to "inform" them of their status. Again, I would NEVER mislead someone as to my status... However, I do not feel the need to mention it simply because of some kind of perceived duty or onus on my end.

Again, I understand you don't want to rapid fire the comment. I'm referring to long term exposure and a subsequent aking out. Not some 5 minute pickup attempt at a bar. BIG difference.

Let me clarify.

 

I do not walk around flirting with every man in sight with the hopes of being offered the much coveted phone number.

 

If I notice that a male is flirting with me, then I gently make mention of the bf. Any inclination of interest on his part compels me to reveal that I am with someone.

 

I don't understand why one cannot have conversations with the opposite sex without having to "inform" them of their status. Again, I would NEVER mislead someone as to my status... However, I do not feel the need to mention it simply because of some kind of perceived duty or onus on my end.

 

What does the alternative suggest (that being I inform every male I encounter that I have a bf)? "I'm hot and I know you want me so I'm going to awkwardly mention that I have a bf and you better back off!"

It's not like you need to blurt it out to every guy who talks to you, only if it seems he might be interested, or if he's going out of his way to talk to you. And what makes you think you need to say "oh i have a bf"? You can simply slip it in there... "oh my bf and i go to that place all the time" - "Silversun Pickups? My bf loves them, lol". It doesn't have to be a big deal.

btw, at a bar I think it's more important since that's most likely the main reason a guy is talking to a girl.

It's not like you need to blurt it out to every guy who talks to you, only if it seems he might be interested, or if he's going out of his way to talk to you. And what makes you think you need to say "oh i have a bf"? You can simply slip it in there... "oh my bf and i go to that place all the time" - "Silversun Pickups? My bf loves them, lol". It doesn't have to be a big deal.

 

btw, at a bar I think it's more important since that's most likely the main reason a guy is talking to a girl.

I've seen girls straightaway say "I have a boyfriend." Ummm....you don't need to to that, but what Phateless suggests is appropriate. It's really easy, if someone asks "so what else are you doing this weekend?" To say "well, earlier today my boyfriend and I went to this park...". Your significant other should be inserted into conversation where it is appropriate. Over the course of a 1/2 hour conversation, surely, there should be some point where the boyfriend is relevant to your life, right? What Krytie is describing is that you can talk to someone extensively and not know they are in a relationship, and it is often puzzling because as dudes, we think "you know, there were at least 5 times when it would have been easy to slip a reference to having a bf."

Nothing annoys me more than when a woman just says "I have a bf" right away...except her not mentioning him at all. I will still talk to you if you have a boyfriend, I just want to know as soon as you can slip it in so I can calibrate my interaction with you, and possibly exit the conversation earlier if I am looking to meet someone single. If the conversation was good, I will come back to you later that night as a friend.

I fall on the side of Ocean-Blue. The assumption of the men is that every girl should always be looking at every guy as being on the make and looking at you as a prospective. If that's the case, it's really the guy's issue and not the girl's issue, if that's how he views her and is then offended, when she doesn't volunteer information that as far as she's concerned, isn't pertinent information, especially when she's not interested.

But TBF, I think Krytie was referring to a LONGER interaction with demonstrable flirting. It would be perfectly fine if I were to talk to someone after a class several times, for 5 minutes at a time, and for her to not reveal she had a boyfriend. But if we went to grab a coffee after class, and in that 1/2 hour conversation, she didn't reveal she had a boyfriend until I asked her on a more formal date...that is the problem Krytie is referring to.

Light-hearted flirtation is meaningless. If she's not interested, I agree that she should speak up but only if you make your interest known to her.

Asking a girl out for coffee could easily be a person to person interaction, not a guy to girl interaction.

I fall on the side of Ocean-Blue. The assumption of the men is that every girl should always be looking at every guy as being on the make and looking at you as a prospective. If that's the case, it's really the guy's issue and not the girl's issue, if that's how he views her and is then offended, when she doesn't volunteer information that as far as she's concerned, isn't pertinent information, especially when she's not interested.

The flipside is that girls always complain that we're friends with them when all we really want is to date them. Well, the easiest way to solve that problem is to not pretend you're available. IF YOU TELL US YOU'RE TAKEN then we won't try to date you... DUH!

I agree with your point that it's our issue as guys, TBF, but we need to that information so that we can make an educated decision on how to behave. Without that info, what the hell are we supposed to do? It's like car shopping... I don't want to check out a car that's already sold - waste of time.

Light-hearted flirtation is meaningless. If she's not interested, I agree that she should speak up but only if you make your interest known to her.

 

Asking a girl out for coffee could easily be a person to person interaction, not a guy to girl interaction.

How is the BF not relevant at that point? The entire point of this thread is to eliminate ambiguity. You seem to be saying that we should just tolerate the ambiguity... why? Coffee could just as easily be a date as person to person.

I've seen girls straightaway say "I have a boyfriend." Ummm....you don't need to to that, but what Phateless suggests is appropriate. It's really easy, if someone asks "so what else are you doing this weekend?" To say "well, earlier today my boyfriend and I went to this park...". Your significant other should be inserted into conversation where it is appropriate. Over the course of a 1/2 hour conversation, surely, there should be some point where the boyfriend is relevant to your life, right? What Krytie is describing is that you can talk to someone extensively and not know they are in a relationship, and it is often puzzling because as dudes, we think "you know, there were at least 5 times when it would have been easy to slip a reference to having a bf."

 

Nothing annoys me more than when a woman just says "I have a bf" right away...except her not mentioning him at all. I will still talk to you if you have a boyfriend, I just want to know as soon as you can slip it in so I can calibrate my interaction with you, and possibly exit the conversation earlier if I am looking to meet someone single. If the conversation was good, I will come back to you later that night as a friend.

Exactly. I think the straight-up truth here is that women don't want us to leave because they enjoy talking to us, and that's why they avoid mentioning the BF. What other reason is there to actively refrain from mentioning him?

If I notice that a male is flirting with me, then I gently make mention of the bf. Any inclination of interest on his part compels me to reveal that I am with someone.

 

I don't understand why one cannot have conversations with the opposite sex without having to "inform" them of their status. Again, I would NEVER mislead someone as to my status... However, I do not feel the need to mention it simply because of some kind of perceived duty or onus on my end.

This is all we're asking. We're not saying every conversation requires you mention the bf, only the ones where he's starting to flirt, or you think he might be interested, or you're talking to him regularly. If, as you claim, it's just a friend thing, then why hide the bf? Wouldn't you tell your friends you're dating someone? Or wouldn't you mention it if it's relevant?

All I'm saying is that it takes more effort to exclude the detail than include it, so the notion of "it's awkward to mention it" doesn't really make sense.

The flipside is that girls always complain that we're friends with them when all we really want is to date them. Well, the easiest way to solve that problem is to not pretend you're available. IF YOU TELL US YOU'RE TAKEN then we won't try to date you... DUH!

 

I agree with your point that it's our issue as guys, TBF, but we need to that information so that we can make an educated decision on how to behave. Without that info, what the hell are we supposed to do? It's like car shopping... I don't want to check out a car that's already sold - waste of time.

The assumption then, is that the only reason a guy talks to a woman or wants to hang out with her, is for the purposes of dating. I see men as no different than women. I don't see them as dating material when I meet them. I see them as either someone interesting to talk to or someone I don't want to talk to. I don't particularly care if someone is attached or not, if I'm only going to talk to them. Where it becomes pertinent, is when they show interest.

How is the BF not relevant at that point? The entire point of this thread is to eliminate ambiguity. You seem to be saying that we should just tolerate the ambiguity... why? Coffee could just as easily be a date as person to person.

It's up to you guys to define which one it is. After all, you're doing the asking.

The assumption then, is that the only reason a guy talks to a woman or wants to hang out with her, is for the purposes of dating. I see men as no different than women. I don't see them as dating material when I meet them. I see them as either someone interesting to talk to or someone I don't want to talk to. I don't particularly care if someone is attached or not, if I'm only going to talk to them. Where it becomes pertinent, is when they show interest.

You're exactly right. I talk to people all the time without the intention of dating them. In those cases, if they mention the bf, NOTHING HAPPENS. It's an irrelevant detail so there's no harm in mentioning it and we continue the conversation pleasantly. If I am interested, it IS a relevant detail. No matter how you rationalize it, it makes more sense to include the detail than not.