LIVE A Lie? Or STAB With The Truth?

ok, heres the deal. its long, and actually cut real short, but stay with me. this girl and I have been through the mill. we have been together on and off for almost 3 years! ok, now stay with me. we dated for a year and 3 1/2 months, broke up, but still hung out every day, for about 4 months. she liked some other guy part of the time. it hurt. anyways, got back together and stayed together for about another 3 1/2 months, and she left me for another guy, cause of us fighting. we were broken up for 2 weeks almost exactly. she slept with him once after about a week, realized she had more feelings for me than she had thought, and left him and waited for me to call her. we got back together for about a month, then her friend started getting into trouble with some people, and she was trying to help get him out of it. in the process, she met some other guy. guys more or less. i found a note, which apparently had more to it than i knew, about her considering this guy, but actually was her friend trying to convince her to be with him. i didnt know that. got mad at her, we broke up, for another 3 1/2-4 months. in the midst of this break up, rumors spread like wild fires about her to me. same from me to her. we both thought we hated eachother. she was apparently with this guy. i was devestated. so, not knowing what to do, went for a rebound. went to a party, got drunk, and slept with the assistant manager of where i work. she is 3 years older than me. did this for about 2 weeks, thinking i was over my ex. then something began to bother me, but i couldnt figure out what. dont worry, the story is almost over. well, i stayed with this girl for about another 2 weeks, not sleeping with her. then another girl came into the picture, and i tried again. same thing happened, and finally i relized it was because i couldnt let go of my ex. so, called her up, and soon we got back together. she told me what she had been through, and swore her love for me, and said she would never leave me again after all that. i believe her this time.

apparently this guy had bullied her into being with him, sleeping with him, and anything else. she tried to call me several times, but i was trying the silence treatment when she was. she lost hope, and turned to whoever was willing to help her. unfortunatly, it was this guys twin brother. he talked her into sleeping with him one night. then afterwards, questioned her, and helped her somehow come to the conclusion that she still had feelings for me. then i called her.that was her story.

now, i had trouble excepting this, but i did, and now it dosnt bother me much. but, she is having so much trouble getting over what i did because she never thought i was capable of such things because ive always been so faithful and good to her. never doubted her. i feel like since we werent together, it is none of her buisiness. but at the same time, i hate, absolutely hate to see her hurting. so, she asks me questions about what exactly me and the other girls did. i feel horrible about it, but i lie, to keep her from hurting as bad as she could. because when i told her the truth once on one question, it seemed like her tears never ended. i felt horrible. so i saw it better that i suffer from the guilt rather than her suffer from the pain of truth. but it doesnt seem to be helping, and i keep accidently slipping little things through. and im having second thoughts about the lying. i dont know how to make it better or make her feel better. i just want us both to forget our pasts and look to the future. but she cant. i used to have the same problem, but i dont know how i got over all of it, but i did.

here are my questions:

1. should i continue to lie or tell the truth? i mean, wouldnt telling the truth make it worse now? cause every time i slip something, it seems that way. i think i could handle living a lie, if it kept her from hurting.

2.how do i make her feel better?

please help guys. this site has always been a big help.

also, if youd like to know a little more in depth about our first break up, i have one other thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88337/

I think the best answer is "I think it's better if we both start fresh." And then change the subject.

I went back and read your original post. That post along with this one makes me question why you want to get back together with this girl. You've been broken up nearly as long as you've been together! Have you considered taking some time just for yourself? That means no "hooking up" with women right after your breakup - learning to live for yourself without needing to have someone around to make you feel loved. It's that NEED TO FEEL LOVED that keeps people together when they would be better off apart. ....just a thought.

yeh, i have thought about that, taking time off for myself. i kind of did for about a month, but only cause i was waiting for my period of silence towards her to be over before i talked to her. i dunno, i just couldnt shake that need to be loved. my friend told me i was in love with the thought of love. but i really do care for the girl. her and i really do work out together, it just seems like the world is against us or something every once in a while, but we've pushed on. i like your thought. i think i will really try hard to stick with your advice if things dont work out again.

do i keep lying to save her the pain? or tell her the truth and kill her trust and feelings? cause she would be devastated...

do i keep lying to save her the pain? or tell her the truth and kill her trust and feelings? cause she would be devastated...

Actually, I would just refuse to talk about it anymore. Just tell her that you two are together now and that's what's important. She's just giving you a hard time to distract attention away from what she did. It's not a constructive discussion. If you just change the subject and REFUSE to talk about it any longer, then you neither have to lie or break her heart.

Right ... just refuse to talk about it anymore.

Once you've lied - it's hard to get things right again.

Shouldn't have lied in the first place (I know ... you know that)

Anyway - if you DO refuse to talk about it ...

then she might get pissed and try to wheedle things out - yet respect you more for remaining silent.

But MORE IMPORTANTLY - what about the future? - other girls?

Stop lying man! You don't HAVE to lie!

Even if you want to play the field and not be exclusive ...

There ARE girls who will appreciate not being fed some line and either allow you your freedom, or even take it as a challenge to win you're loyalty. Then when the day comes that you finally tell a girl that she's worth being exclusive ... she'll believe you.

I really think that if you're cool then you don't need lies.

If you need lies then you're not that cool.

If you always tell the truth then you don't gotta memorize nuthin'

Actually, I would just refuse to talk about it anymore. Just tell her that you two are together now and that's what's important. She's just giving you a hard time to distract attention away from what she did. It's not a constructive discussion. If you just change the subject and REFUSE to talk about it any longer, then you neither have to lie or break her heart.

yeh, i dunno... if i try that, she willl get even more untrusting...its sux cause i cant go back on what ive said, cause that will hurt her more...i guess i could try to avoid it again. any suggestions on ways to avoid the concept?

Right ... just refuse to talk about it anymore.

 

Once you've lied - it's hard to get things right again.

Shouldn't have lied in the first place (I know ... you know that)

 

Anyway - if you DO refuse to talk about it ...

then she might get pissed and try to wheedle things out - yet respect you more for remaining silent.

 

But MORE IMPORTANTLY - what about the future? - other girls?

 

Stop lying man! You don't HAVE to lie!

 

Even if you want to play the field and not be exclusive ...

There ARE girls who will appreciate not being fed some line and either allow you your freedom, or even take it as a challenge to win you're loyalty. Then when the day comes that you finally tell a girl that she's worth being exclusive ... she'll believe you.

 

I really think that if you're cool then you don't need lies.

If you need lies then you're not that cool.

 

If you always tell the truth then you don't gotta memorize nuthin'

heh, yeh you got the first part right, i really shouldnt have lied, i dont know what i was thinking...

i dont understand. if i remain silent, how will that make her respect me?

about the future, possibly with other girls? i cant exactly see that happening again... she really has set things right with me this time, for once, and we've been together so long. i just dont see me with anyone else again.

it doesnt seem to be helping, and i keep accidently slipping little things through.

Look, you aren't going to be able to keep your secrets, so come clean and deal with it. If you really intend to be with her, she needs to know who you are. It's better to get it all out in one shot, rather than dribble little bits of truths that are going to drive her crazy with questions and doubts. And even worse, there are other people out there who know the truth and it sure would suck big time if your gf finds out from someone else.

Man up and be honest with her. Give her the opportunity to make an informed choice about the man she's with.

You ARE a bad liar. But she's not so good at it either.

Some people will wave a flag about how honest they are but then spill some of the most rediculous cop outs like making you believe "apparently this guy had bullied her into being with him, sleeping with him, and anything else."

Giver her your heart again ... she'll get bullied into sleeping around again.

There have been multiple break-ups and you've both slept around. She hasn't been honest with you in the past either. Stop thinking she's been so up front with giving you opportunities to make some informed decision about her either.

It's like you guys are scammin' each oher, but she's convinced you that she has come clean.

If you told her partial truths and claimed that you got bullied into screwing some girl ... If she believed you ... will that make you respect her? I doubt it man. In the long run, she's fed you lines too and won't really respect you for falling for them either.

She has not dealt loyally with you. Not justifying your lies, just telling you she's not honest either.

Why don't you just move on and learn from your mistakes and do better next time?

You really will find life after this.

Find anther girl ... don't lie to that one.

She'll find another guy ... maybe won't lie to him.