Does anyone have a success story?

The ESW has initiated contact several times this week (still didn't discuss the relationship) and will be calling round later this week to collect some items she loaned me. All this after an extended period of NC....hmmmmmm....keep watching .

Keep us posted. Guard your heart though, just in case...

Getting back with an ex can lead to some excellent sex. You know eachother well enough to push all the right buttons, the time apart puts back the chemistry and the difficult emotions that arise from the drama of on/off relations can introduce a level of passion that, if you examine it, sometimes has more to do with hate-f*cking than with love. That can distract you for quite some time from all the problems that led to the initial break up.

I think that in some cases break ups that are brought about by circumstances (eg distance) don't preclude a couple getting back together at another point in the future. On the other hand, whatever the reason, break ups are always distressing. If one person puts another through that distressing experience once - or more than once - then I think there'll be a strong chance of underlying resentment poisoning any future reunion in the long term.

A very good friend of mine was "dumped" by a guy about seven years ago and was devastated.

Two years later, he came back into her life after having done some travelling, and asked her to reconsider as he thought he had made the worst mistake of his life. She was with another guy at the time.

Admist much disapproval from her friends and family, she broke up with the other guy, and got back with her ex.

They have since been thru some pretty stressful times together, but are still going strong. My friends BF has won his way back into my good books- he has earnt it.

i am sure sooner than later i will be able to tell my story here, but until then i would like to say as far a do sencond chances work, with what i have been through i have seen that 2nd chance leads to 3rd, to 4th, and so on. in my heart i would really like to say i turely hope for some a 2nd chance does workout.

Keep us posted. Guard your heart though, just in case...

It feels like a 180 has occurred and my main feeling is concern for her emotional and mental well-being . Interestly a friend of mine said today that a confused dumper suffers more and longer than any dumpee. After much debate I had to agree and we decided that the confused dumper suffers most and longest, the dumpee comes next because they do suffer but eventually get over it as they have no choice in the matter and the dead certain dumper doesn't suffer at all in fact feeling nothing but relief.

Yernasia,

What would qualify as a confused dumper? My ex told me he was still in love with me when he dumped me. In the weeks afterwards, he told me was very sad and missed me a lot, and tried to talk me into being friends, which I declined. Six weeks after the dumping, when we discused meeting to exchange stuff, he said "I can't handle seeing you right now, maybe in a few months." But at the same time, he insisted that he did not regret his decision in the dumping because he said he didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment (which was a lie because he got a new gf one month later, but thats for another thread). Would this count as a confused dumper?

Make no mistake about it.

There is NO SUCH THING AS A CONFUSED DUMPER.

In my experience people leave relationships for what they believe to be rational and justified reasons. They are not confused they just don't know how to tell you the truth.

Make no mistake about it.

 

There is NO SUCH THING AS A CONFUSED DUMPER.

 

In my experience people leave relationships for what they believe to be rational and justified reasons. They are not confused they just don't know how to tell you the truth.

Perhaps confused isn't the right word? Regretful? I mean there are people that break up and get back together eventually. There is always the person still in the "fog" of an affair that later comes back, of course there are those that don't. But certainly at the point of dumping there is no confusion.

I don't know. My ex-wife sort of went nuts (more so that she usually did) at the end saying "I love you" and then quickly telling me it was a mistake and didn't mean to say it--she made many of those mistakes. She actually said the words "I'm so confused. I don't love you, I wish I could fix it" followed by an angry "I want my life back, he wants to marry me, and I don't want to be married to you anymore...I hate you." 5 minutes later she's frazzled jumping in place wigging out saying "I'm sorry I hurt you, I still love you", so I take her out to grab a bite to eat and she tells me again how confused she is I get another I love you, followed by an "oops I didn't mean that"

She could have been confused, but maybe it was me that was confused then.

Perhaps

So here is my story, and granted it's not over, but it seems to be working out.

For those of you who haven't followed my soap opera : I got together with a guy who wasn't over his ex of four years, she started pursuing him heavily when she found out about me, he wanted to "resolve" old feelings for her so we broke up for about five months but still talked and hung out. Finally he said he realized he loves me, what he had with her was great in the past but not his future, and he wanted to be with me.

I was really skeptical that this could work for two reasons: one, if he left me for her once, he would do it again; and two, I just didn't know if I could trust him again even if he was on perfect behavior.

I talked this through with a counselor actually (I highly recommend a completely unbiased listener/advisor), and decided upon several things that would have to happen for me to give this another shot. He conceded those things, which are he isn't initiating any contact with her, and should she make contact with him, he will tell me about it. He also agreed that if she does contact him again, he will politely tell her that out of respect for me he can't see/talk to her anymore.

He is also making a consistent effort to call me frequently, see me often, do nice things for me, etc. just to make me feel more secure in this "earning-back-trust phase."

I, on the other hand, have decided I have to work on trust issues in general. I have to accept that being with or without him is not the end of my world, and that I cannot control what he may or may not do. I can only be myself, be happy and expect that he will honor his commitments to me. If he doesn't, I don't want him anyway. This enables me not to go into super-obsessive/possessive psycho mistrusting mode (haha) and I'm much easier to get along with!

Things are going well.....going on about a month since we decided to be exclusive again. Last night, in fact, was one of the greatest nights we've ever had together...just very fun, relaxed and natural. He is even broaching the idea of us moving in together, or at least me moving more stuff to his place so I can stay there more frequently.

It has been VERY reciprocal....if this had been all me trying to change to "fit" him, or vice versa, I don't believe it would be working. And I think the good thing I can say now is that we are getting a real, honest chance to work out our relationship. We both agree we have great potential together, and now we are seeing if that's true in the long term. I strongly feel I won't have regrets if this doesn't work out in the long run...but it's going well so far.

Yernasia,

 

What would qualify as a confused dumper? My ex told me he was still in love with me when he dumped me. In the weeks afterwards, he told me was very sad and missed me a lot, and tried to talk me into being friends, which I declined. Six weeks after the dumping, when we discused meeting to exchange stuff, he said "I can't handle seeing you right now, maybe in a few months." But at the same time, he insisted that he did not regret his decision in the dumping because he said he didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment (which was a lie because he got a new gf one month later, but thats for another thread). Would this count as a confused dumper?

Hello Starlight,

No he does not sound like a confused DUMPER in my opinion, he does sound like a very insensitive moron. I would describe a confused dumber as someone who is not sure of what they want, whether it be you, someone else or no one at all and, continues to vacillate between the choices and perhaps give contradictory thoughts. From your descriptions, this guy has “some” confusion but seems to be in favor of a life without you at his side while at the same time seems to desire an option should he one day change his mind by asking to be a friend (with benefits perhaps?) -- hence an insensitive moron!

Just my opinion!

Am4Real

Make no mistake about it.

 

There is NO SUCH THING AS A CONFUSED DUMPER.

 

In my experience people leave relationships for what they believe to be rational and justified reasons. They are not confused they just don't know how to tell you the truth.

Hello Living For Me,

I completely disagree with your statement on confused DUMPERS. There are plenty and I’ve tried to give one way to describe such in the above thread. There are others. I do agree that some DUMPERS are not up to being honest with the DUMPEE and may hold back important “conclusions” thereby leaving an impression of being confused to the DUMPEE.

However, having dealt with a vacillating DUMPER, I am very much familiar with the confusion versus the holding back of any hurtful truth or opinionated statements. As a DUMPEE you have to be clear on when you have had enough dealing with their confusion and that is sometimes the polar sentiment of being “hopeful”.

Thank you for sharing your opinions with us.

Am4Real

well,

currently - i am divorced after 20 years married.

i dated this great guy 25 years ago - but he lived far away - even though i have known him my whole life.

he is almost finished with his divorce (married 18 years).

we met up a short while back when he was in the area and had a great time. like time had never passed.

don't know what will happen - but it is nice for now...

I was really skeptical that this could work for two reasons: one, if he left me for her once, he would do it again; and two, I just didn't know if I could trust him again even if he was on perfect behavior.

I, on the other hand, have decided I have to work on trust issues in general. I have to accept that being with or without him is not the end of my world, and that I cannot control what he may or may not do. I can only be myself, be happy and expect that he will honor his commitments to me. If he doesn't, I don't want him anyway. This enables me not to go into super-obsessive/possessive psycho mistrusting mode (haha) and I'm much easier to get along with!

Things are going well.....going on about a month since we decided to be exclusive again.

I strongly feel I won't have regrets if this doesn't work out in the long run...but it's going well so far.

Hi Stace,

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on the board as I worked out the remaining issues (thanks to many here and special mention to TORMENTED); I’m hoping all goes well with your reunion sort-of-speak.

I think you have every right to be on guard and perhaps be somewhat concerned with him leaving you again. I can’t recall if your “guy” was the DUMPER or the DUMPEE with his ex, but no matter, it takes time to get over someone you were truly in love with providing there was no abusive factors or trustworthy issues that led to the breakup. The issue to me becomes “time”. Was there enough time for him to actually clear his mind and heart of his EX where no matter how hard she worked on him he wasn’t interested?

In that I mean it wouldn’t matter if you were with him or not, he would still flat out refuse any advancement by his EX. Of course trying to determine this state of heart is nearly impossible and when your “guy” was tested he failed – he went back and tried what once was. That should not necessarily be faulted, it happens and sometimes for very good reasons; the question is what has changed since he was tested in his mind and heart?

He says he loves you for the future and her for the past. Frankly, that sounds like pretty good reasoning and if you believe it and are “on guard” it will hopefully work out for you.

My EX got engaged within a few months of us taking a break and only knowing the new person for ten or so weeks – gave up everything, quit her career, moved away and perhaps by now is married. Sounds like a classic rebound, let me tell you why. During the engagement she called me numerous times, wrote me, blah, blah, blah….let me tell you it was very tempting to go after her full throttle knowing she may have done this simply to try and get me back or perhaps prove to herself that someone else could love her besides me. However, I just couldn’t do it; I could not get over that our love was not the only love for us both, the fact she had become intimate so quickly with someone else and felt pleasure in rubbing her engagement in my face.

But you see, I knew what I could live with (or in this case without) and perhaps her quick engagement and not being “over me” will be her burden for the rest of her life – then again maybe not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is I knew what I wanted or in this case didn’t want and am please with my decision. Seemingly you are too and for that we have the best chances of success!

All the best,

Am4Real

well,

currently - i am divorced after 20 years married.

 

i dated this great guy 25 years ago - but he lived far away - even though i have known him my whole life.

 

he is almost finished with his divorce (married 18 years).

 

we met up a short while back when he was in the area and had a great time. like time had never passed.

 

don't know what will happen - but it is nice for now...

Hey 2sunny,

Please keep us posted -- this sounds very interesting!!! Think about all the catching up you have to do both in the bedroom and elsewhere. Best to you...

Am4Real

Yernasia,

 

What would qualify as a confused dumper? My ex told me he was still in love with me when he dumped me. In the weeks afterwards, he told me was very sad and missed me a lot, and tried to talk me into being friends, which I declined. Six weeks after the dumping, when we discused meeting to exchange stuff, he said "I can't handle seeing you right now, maybe in a few months." But at the same time, he insisted that he did not regret his decision in the dumping because he said he didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment (which was a lie because he got a new gf one month later, but thats for another thread). Would this count as a confused dumper?

For "don't want to be in a relationship at the moment" read "need to see if the grass is greener".

Always remember that a new relationship is just that - new. What a "grass is greener" person wants to find out is whether the new relationship will fizzle out or continue. They hope to keep their ex on the back burner, "being friends", just in case the new relationship fizzles out.

Ultimately you're better off without this person unless you are prepared to help them through the issues that are causing them to explore other options. By declining his request to be friends, you effectively dumped him, hence ""I can't handle seeing you right now"".

Hope this makes sense.

hahaha,

Listen to Yernasia, I'm in the exact situation she is saying. My ex is currently exploring the greener grass. But to me, I'm happy with everything. You have to realise you are better off been single and suffer the pain in the short term then be with someone like that in the long term. If you put all your heart and committment into someone then you deserve the same in return.

In all honesty, the grass is never greener, its only green if you take care of it. So for those guys/girls left behind hurt by "confused" dumpers, my advise is.... let them be, work on your self, be independant, have fun and enjoy life as a single and find someone else that will not be confused .

Good luck all.

Yernasia, Justified, and Am4Real,

I know my ex is immature and wants to go see if the grass is greener. I can see how this is the best time for him to do this, since he will be starting a second bachelor's program in the fall and then plans on going to law school after that. Even though he's 27, he is nowhere near ready to settle down. I do have a feeling he wants to keep me on the back burner, which sucks.

He just broke NC by sending me an email 5 days ago. Here is the thread in which I posted the email:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t121054/

Honestly, to me he sounds like a "suffering confused dumper", in that he still has all these feelings for me. But he doesn't seem like he is ready to try again. I represent commitment to him, which he is not ready to give.

When I first read the email, my gut told me not to respond. That has pretty much been the consensus reached by people that have been giving me advice. I think many of the people that responded in the thread made some very good points, but I would also appreciate anything you guys might have to add. Especially since I posted the thread about his email in the Coping forum, I am curious to hear what the advice in the Second Chances forum would be. Since I think I might be dealing with a genuine "confused dumper", I am still going crazy wondering what my best course of action is . . . .

I believe my ex-wife is a confused dumper. Having successfully progressed through the emotional angst and started dating this is how I deal with her now.

I never initiate contact unless it is for a specific reason. If she initiates contact I will respond if a response is required or requested. In our communications I always stick to the reason she initiated the communication unless she introduces a different topic. Until she says "magic" words such as "i want to work at us" "i want you back" etc there is no relationship talk.

If my ex-wife had sent me that e-mail, I would have responded with:

"Thanks for your e-mail. I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering. Things will get better in time."

If you decided to respond this way, by your actions you're demonstrating that you are mature enough to know that you probably will talk at some point down the track but you are not committing yourself either way. It may well be the case that you won't ever speak to him again, not because you're bitter but because he may choose never to talk to you again (probably a good thing for your mental well-being ).

In summary my advice is to only respond if necessary, keep your responses short, honest, polite, civil and to the point. Use your family, friends and LS to help deal with your turbulent emotions. Do not under any circumstances discuss your feelings or intentions with your ex. If you're ever uncertain how to respond, a polite "i don't wish to discuss that with you" is the way to go. If it does get too much then you'll have no choice but to go 100% NC.

This approach has certainly made me feel better. I'm now dating a lovely lady, but also aware that my ex-wife may decide she wants me back. I'll deal with that if and when it happens. Right now I treat my ex-wife as permanently gone .

Good luck.

Yernasia, Justified, and Am4Real,

 

I know my ex is immature and wants to go see if the grass is greener. I can see how this is the best time for him to do this, since he will be starting a second bachelor's program in the fall and then plans on going to law school after that. Even though he's 27, he is nowhere near ready to settle down. I do have a feeling he wants to keep me on the back burner, which sucks.

I am still going crazy wondering what my best course of action is . . . .

Hello again Starlight,

The thing about relationships is they’re pretty easy to understand in this way: you are either in one or not.

What can you say about your situation as it is now? Are you in or are you out?

If you’re in, you have some work to do in understanding and perhaps accepting a new type of relationship with this man on HIS TERMS; if you are out, then you are out and in being out you go NC until all feelings and emotions have disappeared. When you stay in limbo as it may be now, things get confusing even if the other person is the one more confused. You have to make the decision of being in or out before we can really give advice on a course to take.

I did read the thread with the email he wrote to you and in my perspective he is telling you he is having trouble letting go…that he knows he hurt you in that he appears to be seeking relief for his conscience by asking to keep communication channels open – thereby taking a temperature of how well you are accepting the changes in the situation.

Starlight, you owe him nothing. You own no explanation of you’re feeling, how you are doing, what you think about the breakup or anything else. His conscience is just that, his. And in being his he has to learn to live with the actions he took based on the decisions he made.

Does this clarify anything for you Starlight?

Have you thought more about whether you want to be IN or OUT of this relationship while reading these words?

Am4Real

Star,

If you were a good girlfriend to this guy then of cause he will have some feelings left for you, he will also want to keep you as a reserve. But obviously what ever feelings he has it was not enough for him to committ to you and he disregarded hurting your feelings. Been confused is not a reason for leaving someone, it's an excuse, a gutless excuse to be honest.

You really deserve someone that will treat you better and appreciate you. Give yourself sometime and see things in perspective. There are really great guys out there so don't be sucked into a spiral of emotional reckage with this one person.

I know you will get better because we all do, just give it time and you will heal.

 

"In summary my advice is to only respond if necessary, keep your responses short, honest, polite, civil and to the point. Use your family, friends and LS to help deal with your turbulent emotions. Do not under any circumstances discuss your feelings or intentions with your ex. If you're ever uncertain how to respond, a polite "i don't wish to discuss that with you" is the way to go. If it does get too much then you'll have no choice but to go 100% NC."

 

Hi. I am new to this site but I'd just like to say what has worked for Yernasia has worked for me too. My ex dumped me a second time by e-mail. The same evening he sent it he phoned me to ask how I was and tried to draw me into conversation about 'who'd said/done what' in the preceeding weeks. I just said that as he'd said it was over there appeared to be no reason to discuss these things anymore. He was completely floored - I think he wanted to manipulate the conversation to alleviate his guilt. When he brought my stuff round he also tried to get a conversation going about what had happened prior to his dumping of me. Again, I just got on with the matter in hand, exchanged stuff and saw him out of the door.

Like Yernasia, unless my ex says he wants to work things out with me or that he'd like to discuss things so we can work them out as a couple I will not enter into any conversation. Such a conversation is just manipulation.

In my case I don't think my ex will ever say the "magic words" but in any case I think the impetus to get back together definitely has to come from the person who did the dumping and it has to be very strong, very clear and very determined - otherwise how could you even begin to trust enough to work at things?!

The great thing about this approach is ... whatever happens, you just need to sit back and get on with your own life. If he comes back then he does and you can reconsider at that point. If he doesn't, then he didn't care enough and you have preserved your energy, your sanity and your dignity for someone worth the effort. .. And you didn't get drawn into these long, messy conversations that can only make matters worse!

 

"In summary my advice is to only respond if necessary, keep your responses short, honest, polite, civil and to the point. Use your family, friends and LS to help deal with your turbulent emotions. Do not under any circumstances discuss your feelings or intentions with your ex. If you're ever uncertain how to respond, a polite "i don't wish to discuss that with you" is the way to go. If it does get too much then you'll have no choice but to go 100% NC."

 

Hi. I am new to this site but I'd just like to say what has worked for Yernasia has worked for me too. My ex dumped me a second time by e-mail. The same evening he sent it he phoned me to ask how I was and tried to draw me into conversation about 'who'd said/done what' in the preceeding weeks. I just said that as he'd said it was over there appeared to be no reason to discuss these things anymore. He was completely floored - I think he wanted to manipulate the conversation to alleviate his guilt. When he brought my stuff round he also tried to get a conversation going about what had happened prior to his dumping of me. Again, I just got on with the matter in hand, exchanged stuff and saw him out of the door.

Like Yernasia, unless my ex says he wants to work things out with me or that he'd like to discuss things so we can work them out as a couple I will not enter into any conversation. Such a conversation is just manipulation.

In my case I don't think my ex will ever say the "magic words" but in any case I think the impetus to get back together definitely has to come from the person who did the dumping and it has to be very strong, very clear and very determined - otherwise how could you even begin to trust enough to work at things?!

The great thing about this approach is ... whatever happens, you just need to sit back and get on with your own life. If he comes back then he does and you can reconsider at that point. If he doesn't, then he didn't care enough and you have preserved your energy, your sanity and your dignity for someone worth the effort. .. And you didn't get drawn into these long, messy conversations that can only make matters worse!

 

I think that this is just what i needed to hear. i just started a thread in second chances wondering if I should give my ex a call, but a lot of what you say here really makes me reconsider ever calling. i think that as others have expressed on these forums, i sometimes feel that my ex may want to come back but is afraid to do so. I think that you are right that if it is ever going to work after being dumped, the dumper must express in clear, direct terms that they want to make things work and give things another try. As you said, any other conversation is just manipulation!

The great thing about this approach is ... whatever happens, you just need to sit back and get on with your own life. If he comes back then he does and you can reconsider at that point. If he doesn't, then he didn't care enough and you have preserved your energy, your sanity and your dignity for someone worth the effort. .. And you didn't get drawn into these long, messy conversations that can only make matters worse!

Loving somebody does not mean being a doormat. You'll find that the best parents are most certainly not doormats but it doesn't mean they love their children any less than parents who let their kids get away with anything. These non-doormat parents exhibit what is commonly referred to as unconditional love. Unconditional love is not doormat love, it is not manipulative love, it is not dominating love. Unconditional love is pure, caring and nurturing. It means that you will always love someone, but will not tolerate your love being taken for granted or yourself being treated badly. It gives you the strength to avoid walking on egg-shells and instead deal with conflicts as they arise. It also gives you the strength to forgive someone for dumping you, leaving the bitterness behind and the way open to reconciliation if that's your path.

The way I look at it is this. In a lot of situations like ours the way people feel tends not to change. What changes is the way people behave and perceive each other. These changes in behavior and perception happen for a variety of reasons and can have the effect of burying the in love/loving feelings. If I'm right then the fact that feelings tend not too change but just get buried is the reason why counseling works which is also why it is so important to hear the "magic words". It means that the dumper has finally realised that the in love/loving feelings are still there, they just need to be re-discovered.

It's worth bearing in mind that when someone says the "magic words", they have already made the decision to be in a relationship with you and work as couple. At this point any relationship talk should then be about going forward using the past only as a guide to avoiding the same mistakes in the future. Having made the decision to reverse the break-up the dumper (now a reconciler ) won't want to dwell on the past and having forgiven them the dumpee shouldn't either nor should they automatically accept the reconciliation overture but that's a topic for another day and another thread.

"The reason why people like Quest and I can take this approach (disagree with me if I'm wrong Quest ) is that we have passed through the emotional stage and left the bitterness behind. Thus leaving ourselves open to all options including reconciliation with the ex. It's a tough thing to do, but if you love somebody enough you will do it."

 

For me, it's taken a long time (and several extremely hurtful break-ups when I was still very young) to get to the point where I didn't get drawn into manipulative conversations and also didn't end up screaming at some point "And don't ever call me again". I used to do that all the time and then end up several months later calling friends and saying, "Why doesn't he phone?" to which they would reply, "Well, you did tell him never to darken your door again!"

Being a bit older and wiser now I realised when I put the phone down on my ex that night he phoned to find out how I was (hey - how did he think I would be???!) that I probably would want to hear from him again at some point and so I just said 'bye' politely while also refusing to get drawn into conversations about who'd said/done what when.

All in all (although I didn't plan it this way, it just sort of happened) I think he now realises if he ever wants to get in touch again it will have to be for a very good reason and that he can't mess me around - which relates to what Yernasia says about not being a doormat!

What's more, I don't actually want to hear from him unless it's with respect and, ideally, with the 'magic words'. It doesn't do anyone any good to be on the 'back burner' of someone else's emotional life, subject to their emotional whims. It's not enough to be phoned up because on that particular night your ex happens to be missing you or wondering how you are getting on. Where does that leave you? It stirs everything up again but the situation has still not changed - you are still dumped.

In short, my advice, learned the hard way, is look after yourself, expect respect, be respectful and then just let it go. What happens after that is really outside your control ... which means in the meantime you can relax and appreciate what you do have.

As I said, in my case I don't think I'll hear the magic words but a friend of mine did and ended up getting married to the boyfriend who had dumped her. They now have two children and are very happy. She says if he hadn't known that he could only come back with something really committed and determined (like a proposal) then it wouldn't have worked out the way it did. So there are happy endings and second chances but you do need to look after yourself. If you don't hear the magic words you don't want to be a broken down messed up wreck for the next (perhaps more suitable) person that comes along!