Not really sure where to post this...

Hi Everybody,

I'm a 41 year old single father of a 16 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. My X and I split up in June 2003, unwillingly on my part but we successfully divided all our marital assets and bought his/her houses. The kids were 12 and 7 at that time. They chose to live with their Mother so I didn't contest that because I wanted this to have a minimal impact on them. They live about 80km or 50 miles from me....approx a 45 minute drive.

She works night shift from 10:30pm until 6am, I work 7:30am to 3:30pm and for the past 4 years, my children come to spend the night with me. I live virtually minutes away from her work so she drops them off at 9pm and picks them up at 6:15am and takes them home where they go to school. I also have the children every other weekend.

Last June, I met a wonderful woman who is everything I've been looking for in a potential spouse and lets face it, I'm totally in love with her. We spend alot of time communicating in all venues...on the phone, e-mail and in person. She's divorced with 2 children living with her...a 14 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. Her X also gets the kids every other weekend. My children know her and her children.

Recently, her landlady (she rents a home) has listed the property for sale so obviously she has to move which gives us the perfect opportunity to live together. I do have extra rooms for her children and my kids each have their own room and wouldn't be affected by this. However, when I mentioned that I was thinking about this arrangement to my kids, my oldest blew up and freaked out at me saying that I'm soo selfish and I don't care about them, all I care about is myself and that if I went ahead with this (his exact words were "If they're moving in, I'm moving out"). See the problem I'm having is that my kids don't even "live here" they sleep over. I've been nothing but unselfish and put my life on hold for them.

I've tried to ensure them that they won't be affected in a negative way. If it was that they didn't want new siblings, I suggested that my gf and I could alternate weekends with the kids, so when mine were with me, hers were with her X's and vice versa. Plus 9pm is practically bedtime anyways so that wouldn't be a problem. Its not like I'm forcing them to share a room or anything. I want to be and deserve to be happy too, don't you think ?

Just wondering what some others thoughts on this are.

It doesn't really matter if you have them in the house or not...children are affected by a divorce. My dad's g/f (whatever she is) has two kids younger than me...I'd go insane if they moved together and he became their "dad".

It's the basics of not wanting your dad to father other children...I think the divorce might have been hard on your son, for special reasons, and perhaps he feels like he has not healed enough to be able to accept his dad living together with another woman AND her children?

I know it sounds so selfish...but honestly, my dad was my dad and I don't want him to treat her kids as anything but someone else's children. (She was OW, maybe that affects me.) I wouldn't ever wanna see her kids, nevertheless have my dad let them live in his house...

However. I'd try to reason with your son saying it does not mean you love him any less. Perhaps he was hoping you and your wife would move back together again and this is the final step to prove to him it will never happen?

Blending two families is a whole different arena! BTDT! Your son's reaction is normal. In fact don't be surprised if everyone else starts piping in with their opinions.

You're on the right path but do some research on this -- ALOT of research. Maybe some family therapy is a good start for all of you. Read some books and visit some stepfmily forums. Get as much information as you can.

Good luck to you!

Before I express an opinion of any kind, what was the reason for the dissolution of the marriage? The reason I ask this is, is that children can react negatively due to historical events, therefore, must be handled in a different fashion.

I want to be and deserve to be happy too, don't you think ?

Yes, you do deserve to be happy. And you are the adult, it is your house, your life, and your decision. I understand you want to be compassionate to your kids, but it's been 4 years since the divorce, so they have had time to adjust to the change.

Your 16 year old is a teenager. By definition, he's not going to see anything past the end of his own nose. You can delay things for his benefit, but at your expense.

Be compassionate and understanding, go to family counseling, but don't back down from decision you believe is right. You are the adult.

Does your ex, mother of your kids have a boyfriend?

....

 

Just wondering what some others thoughts on this are.

Don't let them put you over a barrel. You are the parent, they are the child. Treat them as a child and act as grown up (and not someone that is so whimmpy that you will sacrifice your own happiness to keep them happy.)

Your kids are the selfish ones. They need to realize that.

Before I express an opinion of any kind, what was the reason for the dissolution of the marriage? The reason I ask this is, is that children can react negatively due to historical events, therefore, must be handled in a different fashion.

Sooo, I am the OP here and please excuse me that I'm not quite sure how to quote everybody in the same post so forgive me if I'm doing it all wrong, but a few stand out for me. I answered TBF because she has a question, what the bearing on your response could possibly be, I have no idea, but I'll fill you in the best I can.

The dissolution of marriage came about when she got her new job working nights. She started in Aug of 2002, working the same shift as I outlined earlier. The kids were not affected by this at all because she left at 9:30pm and the kids were already in bed and she was home by 6:30am before the kids got up...soo to them, she wasn't even away from home.

Anyways, I noticed little changes in her at first....wanting to look her absolute best for work which didn't really jive because she was going to a manufacturing plant where you could wear your worst clothes and nobody cares. As it turns out, she was entertaining a certain somebody in her vehicle before her shift started and blah, blah blah....the bottom line....she was having some kind of affair. It was her who wanted to split up and sell our home and go our separate ways. When I suggested some kind of counselling, she rejected that idea and said "I don't need counselling, go by yourself"....so I did. I learned that in over 90% of all cases, when the 'woman' decides thats its over, its over. No chance of reconcilliation. I'm ok with that. I definitely don't want her back...EVER.

I'm not sure what impact this info has on your response, but maybe you can enlighten me.

As for Flying in Clouds response....wow, you're a pretty straight shooter but I would NEVER, EVER tell my kids to not let the door hit your ass on the way out. To me, that demonstrates hatred. That is something you say to someone you don't like. I do feel that yes, I'm the adult here, this is MY house and that I will not be told what I am and am not allowed to do by children. Its kinda like asking permission from a kid if its ok to this or do that. I've tried to minimize impact on them, like I already said but I'm prepared to stay the course here. I just would never say that to them in your words...What I did say was that "I Love You and I'd be disappointed if that was your decision, my door is always open and if its not, you have the key".

My son has shown that he's a little jealous and that he doesn't want me to treat them like they (her kids) are my own. I told him that they aren't my kids but he said "You'll treat them like they are". He's upset that they might get the benefits that he's always gotten by choosing to live with Mom.

Anyways, I think this post is long enough so far.....and I want to thank everyone who gave me their input.

I am sooo in Love with her (with a capital L). Is it worth losing my children temporarily, I think so. I'm pretty sure they'll come around and accept this. My little girl gets along sooooo well with her little girl, its almot unbelievable. I think part of their problem is accepting someone else who isn't their Mom.....some kind of betrayal to their Mom.

Sooo, Thank-you guys for trying to enlighten me...I appreciate it.

G

Blending two families is a whole different arena! BTDT! Your son's reaction is normal. In fact don't be surprised if everyone else starts piping in with their opinions.

 

You're on the right path but do some research on this -- ALOT of research. Maybe some family therapy is a good start for all of you. Read some books and visit some stepfmily forums. Get as much information as you can.

 

Good luck to you!

Not sure what BTDT means...maybe I'm not really trying to 'blend' the families, just trying to gain some kind of acceptance here. I/we are willing to adjust our schedules so the kids have a minimal impact...we definitely want to be together. I spoke to a friend of mine who asked how old the kids were...and yeah, they're almost at the age where they dump the parents for their own friends (well, at least the older ones do).

I like your 'Good luck' statement.

Thanks.

G

It doesn't really matter if you have them in the house or not...children are affected by a divorce. My dad's g/f (whatever she is) has two kids younger than me...I'd go insane if they moved together and he became their "dad".

 

It's the basics of not wanting your dad to father other children...I think the divorce might have been hard on your son, for special reasons, and perhaps he feels like he has not healed enough to be able to accept his dad living together with another woman AND her children?

 

I know it sounds so selfish...but honestly, my dad was my dad and I don't want him to treat her kids as anything but someone else's children. (She was OW, maybe that affects me.) I wouldn't ever wanna see her kids, nevertheless have my dad let them live in his house...

 

However. I'd try to reason with your son saying it does not mean you love him any less. Perhaps he was hoping you and your wife would move back together again and this is the final step to prove to him it will never happen?

WEll, its not like we decided to have a Baby of our own or anything. I could understand the total resentment in that situation. I don't want to have more babies but I've seen such situations.

Ya know, I did consider selling my home soo we could start fresh....its not my home, its not yours...no claims to any kind f ownership whatsoever. It just seemed easier to work with what we already have.

Thanks for answering my post. I appreciate that.

G

Does your ex, mother of your kids have a boyfriend?

I have no idea if she has a boyfriend or not....I wish she does but she would never admit that to the children. I think she just wants to appear to be 'golden' to them. Me personally, I think she does but she hides her relationships from them. I'm not like that, I actually WANT my kids to know. I don't want to hide or sneak or lie. Maybe if she was more like that, the kids would be more open and understanding that "Life goes on".

G

You sound like a thoughtful and caring father who wants to do right by his children but also do what you need to find your own happiness. That is the way humans are supposed to be, so feel good about that and carry on!

Kids are going to have this sort of emotional reaction. My H was telling me that he read somewhere some theory or study that teenagers are inherently incapable of true empathy. I don't know if I would go THAT far, but it is certainly typical for them to be selfish. It is also typical for them to outgrow it and have successful loving relationships with their parents AND their parents' spouses, etc as adults. So you can expect some rough patches but they are just going to have to live with it. Chances are, it's all a bunch of bluff and bluster anyway.

Spend even a few hours on this board and it is apparent that finding a suitable life mate is a very difficult task. If you are dealing with love with a capital L, then you're a lucky man. Don't let anything get between you and that. Your kids will catch on when they see and can appreciate how happy you are. Eventually, they will most likely be happy FOR you.

Would you have asked her to live with you if she didn't need a place to live? Also, if you really love her, why not just get married instead of just living together.

The dissolution of marriage came about when she got her new job working nights. She started in Aug of 2002, working the same shift as I outlined earlier. The kids were not affected by this at all because she left at 9:30pm and the kids were already in bed and she was home by 6:30am before the kids got up...soo to them, she wasn't even away from home.

Anyways, I noticed little changes in her at first....wanting to look her absolute best for work which didn't really jive because she was going to a manufacturing plant where you could wear your worst clothes and nobody cares. As it turns out, she was entertaining a certain somebody in her vehicle before her shift started and blah, blah blah....the bottom line....she was having some kind of affair. It was her who wanted to split up and sell our home and go our separate ways. When I suggested some kind of counselling, she rejected that idea and said "I don't need counselling, go by yourself"....so I did. I learned that in over 90% of all cases, when the 'woman' decides thats its over, its over. No chance of reconcilliation. I'm ok with that. I definitely don't want her back...EVER.

 

I'm not sure what impact this info has on your response, but maybe you can enlighten me.

Okay. I wondered if there was some form of infidelity involved. Children will cling to either the secure or the exit parent, not wanting to "lose" the parent to someone or something else. Some even jealously guard their parent which appears to be your situation. For me when viewing my own personal problems, I find that it helps to understand the motivation of second/third parties that affect the problem. I'm uncertain if it helps you.

Overall, I agree that everyone deserves personal happiness.

However, when I mentioned that I was thinking about this arrangement to my kids, my oldest blew up and freaked out at me saying that I'm soo selfish and I don't care about them, all I care about is myself and that if I went ahead with this (his exact words were "If they're moving in, I'm moving out").

This comment concerns me so I would have a man-to-man discussion with your son and find out where he feels you've always been selfish. His perspective is obviously very different from your perspective of the past. Once you find out his underlying reasoning, you can calmly reason with him, with your perspective. You might be shocked at how smart and reasonable kids can be, if you're willing to put some time and effort into an adult discussion with them. If you get nowhere, there's always therapy or discussion with another adult, for your son. His lashing out should be addressed in some way so it's no longer a harboured resentment. Buy-in from all members of your family will greatly help the chances of the success of your existing relationship.

Not sure what BTDT means...maybe I'm not really trying to 'blend' the families, just trying to gain some kind of acceptance here. I/we are willing to adjust our schedules so the kids have a minimal impact...we definitely want to be together. I spoke to a friend of mine who asked how old the kids were...and yeah, they're almost at the age where they dump the parents for their own friends (well, at least the older ones do).

 

I like your 'Good luck' statement.

Thanks.

 

G

BTDT = been there done that. Well..... you will be blending both families if you decide to move in together.

My situation turned out to be a friggin disaster. All was well for the first couple of years then the **** hit the fan.

It takes a lot of adjustments to make this work and you seem to be willing to compromise with schedules etc. Being flexible will definitlely be an advantage.