Just feel the need to share my story...

[shaggyspup]

Hi everyone. I'm a MM that has been married for almost 23 years. Not the youngest "pup" I guess anymore, huh? The backround on my marriage is that it was never the most intimate, but it was ok in the early years. As we got a little older, things seemed to slow down. My wife showed little interest in sex (or with sex with me, not certain which) and we just seemed to drift apart some. We don't argue much, we get along OK, and we raise our two boys, who are now in their mid to late teens. I have been relegated to sleeping on the couch for almost 5 years now. She said she couldn't take my snoring, which kept her up. It didn't really matter much to me as I can sleep anywhere and there wasn't anything happening in the bed anyhow, so why keep her up?

 

We have a circle of friends that we are pretty close with, most of which have kids all in the same age group. For years it was obvious that one of the couples were having some problems getting along. She was annoyed at the things he did quite often. After a while, she would comment (usually with him not around) how she wasn't going to spend the rest of her life with him, how he drove her crazy, etc. She was obviously not in love with him any longer.

 

A few years ago our circle of friends rented a large vacation home. During that trip, the other woman and myself found ourselves together more often than not. It was not really planned, but would just sort of happen. We talked a lot during the trip. We had already known each other for years, but suddenly we found an interest that we didn't know existed. We were both struggling within our homes and we began to find common ground. Our talks were often long and meaningful. I hadn't had those types of talks with a woman ever. I felt like I could tell her anything and she understood me.

 

Our relationship has grown from that point to being very serious. I am in love with this woman. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She feels the same way.

 

We originally planned to hang in our marriages for a couple more years just to get the kids through high school. We thought it would be best for them to not have the divorce stuff while younger. I know it's not easy even on older kids, but we just felt it the right thing to do. We planned to stagger our divorces and then start seeing one another (in the public eye) afterward. Maybe we were wrong, I'm not sure. But that's what we decided and went with it.

 

A few weeks ago, her husband found out about us. He met with me and told me he has no interest in telling my wife because he doesn't want the world knowing about our affair. He has asked me to not contact his wife again and wants to repair his marriage. I told her she should go back and figure out what she wants to do at home and if she thinks it's repairable, to give it 100%. Basically, if she can be happy with her husband, I'll be happy... because I love her and I want her happy. She has no interest his plan and so we have continued contact. I am still seeing her for short visits when we can for a few minutes.

 

Basically, we are at a point where she will most likely file for divorce and I will need to tell my wife about us. Not an easy task. But I knew when I entered this relationship that this outcome was a possibility. I am prepared to make this move now as I want to move on with this woman.

 

I'm not sure why I am sharing all this here. I expect many of you will disapprove of what we did. But maybe I just wanted to say I didn't look for love where I found it but once I did, I didn't want to back out of it. I know I stepped across a line that wasn't right. I think many of the decisions I made to do this was influenced because I had kids. I didn't want to tear down their world.

 

Here's one bit of advice I'd give anyone thinking about crossing the line we crossed. Think about leaving your husband or wife first. Or try to see if anything is left there, then leave them. I have excuses for cheating on my wife, but in the end I'd rather I'd just have left her a few years ago when I found myself interested elsewhere.

 

I am now in a position of telling my wife of an affair with a family friend. It is sure to be painful for her. I don't hate my wife and never wanted to hurt her. But now that we have been discovered, that is sure to happen.

 

I know in the end life will go on. Our current marriages will end and we will hopefully find the happiness we are looking for together. Is that a fantasy? Have we doomed ourselves because of the way we will have gotten together? I hope not because I truly do love this woman.

[silktricks]

Of course you haven't doomed yourself. Neither of you were honest with the people you promised to be honest with, and that's a bad thing. Hopefully, from here on out, though, you will be honest and upfront. Sneaking around only hurts people. It's not fair to anyone, including yourself.

 

Hopefully all things will work out for all people involved.

[Joelle]

Shaggyspup, thanks for sharing your story. I hope everything works out okay.

[shaggyspup]

I haven't been in this forum in a long time so I figured I'd update. I answered Dean's post where I see many similarities to my story.

 

About 16 months have passed since the post above and we are both divorced and living together and quite happy. The toll of the news crashing through our circle of friends was quite painful and difficult... most of the friends we once had will now not talk to us at all. I miss many people. This is one of the prices I paid for remaining in my marriage while letting this relationship go on.

 

Our kids are both cool to the other of us... we have not been even able to get my boys to be in the same place with us. Her kids have been near because I live with her. Her son is 16 and lives with us, but he doesn't say much to me. All of this is because of how it went down. It will take quite a bit of time for these feelings to subside in them. They support one another as they all know each other... and they also know the circle of friends we once had... that includes our ex's.

 

I had thought to myself before I told my ex-wife (which was a couple weeks after my post) that I made the wrong choice. I should've left her if I wanted another relationship. And I am now convinced of that.

 

I know many of you are in extra-marital affairs in here... and who am I to say, being in one for 4 years, that you shouldn't be? Well, maybe you should be. Your choices are your choices. I know my decision felt right when I made it. I fell in love with another woman but didn't want to leave my kids. Seems reasonable. But it isn't. I know now the kids shouldn't be an excuse. Nothing should be an excuse. Either love your spouse or get out. Period.

 

My life lesson has been learned. It's been a difficult and at times, brutal year. I can only ask you to think hard of the implications to your life if you are caught. Is that really what you want? Isn't it easier to sort it all out first?

 

Good luck to you all as you make your way through your relationships.

[OWoman]

About 16 months have passed since the post above and we are both divorced and living together and quite happy. The toll of the news crashing through our circle of friends was quite painful and difficult... most of the friends we once had will now not talk to us at all. I miss many people. This is one of the prices I paid for remaining in my marriage while letting this relationship go on.

 

Our kids are both cool to the other of us... we have not been even able to get my boys to be in the same place with us.

 

Shaggy thanks for sharing the update. I'm sorry the price you paid was so high. Your friends, and your kids - though hopefully that will settle with time.

 

It's always difficult to know how the road not taken would have turned out. But I hope in your case that the road you took ultimately works out well for you. I'm glad you're still together and that the choices you made at least delivered up that for you in a lasting way. At least, lasting so far - I hope it goes on to last, and your happiness together continues.

[Meaplus3]

Hi everyone. I'm a MM that has been married for almost 23 years. Not the youngest "pup" I guess anymore, huh? The backround on my marriage is that it was never the most intimate, but it was ok in the early years. As we got a little older, things seemed to slow down. My wife showed little interest in sex (or with sex with me, not certain which) and we just seemed to drift apart some. We don't argue much, we get along OK, and we raise our two boys, who are now in their mid to late teens. I have been relegated to sleeping on the couch for almost 5 years now. She said she couldn't take my snoring, which kept her up. It didn't really matter much to me as I can sleep anywhere and there wasn't anything happening in the bed anyhow, so why keep her up?

 

We have a circle of friends that we are pretty close with, most of which have kids all in the same age group. For years it was obvious that one of the couples were having some problems getting along. She was annoyed at the things he did quite often. After a while, she would comment (usually with him not around) how she wasn't going to spend the rest of her life with him, how he drove her crazy, etc. She was obviously not in love with him any longer.

 

A few years ago our circle of friends rented a large vacation home. During that trip, the other woman and myself found ourselves together more often than not. It was not really planned, but would just sort of happen. We talked a lot during the trip. We had already known each other for years, but suddenly we found an interest that we didn't know existed. We were both struggling within our homes and we began to find common ground. Our talks were often long and meaningful. I hadn't had those types of talks with a woman ever. I felt like I could tell her anything and she understood me.

 

Our relationship has grown from that point to being very serious. I am in love with this woman. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She feels the same way.

 

We originally planned to hang in our marriages for a couple more years just to get the kids through high school. We thought it would be best for them to not have the divorce stuff while younger. I know it's not easy even on older kids, but we just felt it the right thing to do. We planned to stagger our divorces and then start seeing one another (in the public eye) afterward. Maybe we were wrong, I'm not sure. But that's what we decided and went with it.

 

A few weeks ago, her husband found out about us. He met with me and told me he has no interest in telling my wife because he doesn't want the world knowing about our affair. He has asked me to not contact his wife again and wants to repair his marriage. I told her she should go back and figure out what she wants to do at home and if she thinks it's repairable, to give it 100%. Basically, if she can be happy with her husband, I'll be happy... because I love her and I want her happy. She has no interest his plan and so we have continued contact. I am still seeing her for short visits when we can for a few minutes.

 

Basically, we are at a point where she will most likely file for divorce and I will need to tell my wife about us. Not an easy task. But I knew when I entered this relationship that this outcome was a possibility. I am prepared to make this move now as I want to move on with this woman.

 

I'm not sure why I am sharing all this here. I expect many of you will disapprove of what we did. But maybe I just wanted to say I didn't look for love where I found it but once I did, I didn't want to back out of it. I know I stepped across a line that wasn't right. I think many of the decisions I made to do this was influenced because I had kids. I didn't want to tear down their world.

 

Here's one bit of advice I'd give anyone thinking about crossing the line we crossed. Think about leaving your husband or wife first. Or try to see if anything is left there, then leave them. I have excuses for cheating on my wife, but in the end I'd rather I'd just have left her a few years ago when I found myself interested elsewhere.

 

I am now in a position of telling my wife of an affair with a family friend. It is sure to be painful for her. I don't hate my wife and never wanted to hurt her. But now that we have been discovered, that is sure to happen.

 

I know in the end life will go on. Our current marriages will end and we will hopefully find the happiness we are looking for together. Is that a fantasy? Have we doomed ourselves because of the way we will have gotten together? I hope not because I truly do love this woman.

 

shaggypup,

 

I just want to say I really enjoyed reading your post. Gosh.... it's just so straight from the heart. I am sorry for the tough postion you are in, especially about the part of it beign down to telling your W about this other woman I know how tough informing a spouse can be. I wish you the best of luck. Hug's!

 

AP:)

[precious1357]

Hi everyone. I'm a MM that has been married for almost 23 years. Not the youngest "pup" I guess anymore, huh? The backround on my marriage is that it was never the most intimate, but it was ok in the early years. As we got a little older, things seemed to slow down. My wife showed little interest in sex (or with sex with me, not certain which) and we just seemed to drift apart some. We don't argue much, we get along OK, and we raise our two boys, who are now in their mid to late teens. I have been relegated to sleeping on the couch for almost 5 years now. She said she couldn't take my snoring, which kept her up. It didn't really matter much to me as I can sleep anywhere and there wasn't anything happening in the bed anyhow, so why keep her up?

 

We have a circle of friends that we are pretty close with, most of which have kids all in the same age group. For years it was obvious that one of the couples were having some problems getting along. She was annoyed at the things he did quite often. After a while, she would comment (usually with him not around) how she wasn't going to spend the rest of her life with him, how he drove her crazy, etc. She was obviously not in love with him any longer.

 

A few years ago our circle of friends rented a large vacation home. During that trip, the other woman and myself found ourselves together more often than not. It was not really planned, but would just sort of happen. We talked a lot during the trip. We had already known each other for years, but suddenly we found an interest that we didn't know existed. We were both struggling within our homes and we began to find common ground. Our talks were often long and meaningful. I hadn't had those types of talks with a woman ever. I felt like I could tell her anything and she understood me.

 

Our relationship has grown from that point to being very serious. I am in love with this woman. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She feels the same way.

 

We originally planned to hang in our marriages for a couple more years just to get the kids through high school. We thought it would be best for them to not have the divorce stuff while younger. I know it's not easy even on older kids, but we just felt it the right thing to do. We planned to stagger our divorces and then start seeing one another (in the public eye) afterward. Maybe we were wrong, I'm not sure. But that's what we decided and went with it.

 

A few weeks ago, her husband found out about us. He met with me and told me he has no interest in telling my wife because he doesn't want the world knowing about our affair. He has asked me to not contact his wife again and wants to repair his marriage. I told her she should go back and figure out what she wants to do at home and if she thinks it's repairable, to give it 100%. Basically, if she can be happy with her husband, I'll be happy... because I love her and I want her happy. She has no interest his plan and so we have continued contact. I am still seeing her for short visits when we can for a few minutes.

 

Basically, we are at a point where she will most likely file for divorce and I will need to tell my wife about us. Not an easy task. But I knew when I entered this relationship that this outcome was a possibility. I am prepared to make this move now as I want to move on with this woman.

 

I'm not sure why I am sharing all this here. I expect many of you will disapprove of what we did. But maybe I just wanted to say I didn't look for love where I found it but once I did, I didn't want to back out of it. I know I stepped across a line that wasn't right. I think many of the decisions I made to do this was influenced because I had kids. I didn't want to tear down their world.

 

Here's one bit of advice I'd give anyone thinking about crossing the line we crossed. Think about leaving your husband or wife first. Or try to see if anything is left there, then leave them. I have excuses for cheating on my wife, but in the end I'd rather I'd just have left her a few years ago when I found myself interested elsewhere.

 

I am now in a position of telling my wife of an affair with a family friend. It is sure to be painful for her. I don't hate my wife and never wanted to hurt her. But now that we have been discovered, that is sure to happen.

 

I know in the end life will go on. Our current marriages will end and we will hopefully find the happiness we are looking for together. Is that a fantasy? Have we doomed ourselves because of the way we will have gotten together? I hope not because I truly do love this woman.

 

You both are brave and I commend you for doing the best with what you have. Love is special...

[OWoman]

Brief t/j here - just a quick comment on how nice it is to see only positive and constructive comments on a thread, for once!

 

I won't hold my breath, and expect it to last, but I'm enjoying it while it does.

 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

[GirlZilla]

Brief t/j here - just a quick comment on how nice it is to see only positive and constructive comments on a thread, for once!

 

I won't hold my breath, and expect it to last, but I'm enjoying it while it does.

 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

 

LMAO....I was thinking the same thing, OWoman. Thanks for sharing that story Shaggy, gave me a lot to think about..

[PoshPrincess]

Shaggy, I am really pleased for you that things have worked out and I am sure that being with the woman you love - the 'right person' - will be worth it in the long run! Lots of luck to you both for the future

[GreenEyedLady]

I really enjoyed your post too...It's not often that we get many positive updates...I think it goes to show that, as with most things, there is a cost...

 

Thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts with us...And may you have a wonderful future...

 

GEL

[frannie]

I haven't been in this forum in a long time so I figured I'd update. I answered Dean's post where I see many similarities to my story.

 

About 16 months have passed since the post above and we are both divorced and living together and quite happy. The toll of the news crashing through our circle of friends was quite painful and difficult... most of the friends we once had will now not talk to us at all. I miss many people. This is one of the prices I paid for remaining in my marriage while letting this relationship go on.

 

Our kids are both cool to the other of us... we have not been even able to get my boys to be in the same place with us. Her kids have been near because I live with her. Her son is 16 and lives with us, but he doesn't say much to me. All of this is because of how it went down. It will take quite a bit of time for these feelings to subside in them. They support one another as they all know each other... and they also know the circle of friends we once had... that includes our ex's.

 

I had thought to myself before I told my ex-wife (which was a couple weeks after my post) that I made the wrong choice. I should've left her if I wanted another relationship. And I am now convinced of that.

 

I know many of you are in extra-marital affairs in here... and who am I to say, being in one for 4 years, that you shouldn't be? Well, maybe you should be. Your choices are your choices. I know my decision felt right when I made it. I fell in love with another woman but didn't want to leave my kids. Seems reasonable. But it isn't. I know now the kids shouldn't be an excuse. Nothing should be an excuse. Either love your spouse or get out. Period.

 

My life lesson has been learned. It's been a difficult and at times, brutal year. I can only ask you to think hard of the implications to your life if you are caught. Is that really what you want? Isn't it easier to sort it all out first?

 

Good luck to you all as you make your way through your relationships.

 

Hello there, thanks for posting your story. You do sound quite down, so I hope that things improve between all the adults and children in your situation.

 

When you posted, were you suggesting that people who are in affairs would be better to end them, or to separate and not tell their spouses, or to come clean or what?

 

What is it that you would have done differently, once you were in an affair (as most of us posting here are or were)..? For example, if it were possible, would you have 'sorted it out' by leaving and not telling your spouses?