Writing on the wall

[WonderWater]

I have decided that I am either the world's biggest optimist or the world's biggest idiot. I firmly believe that all people are essentially good and caring. I believe that people are well-intentioned, honest, and trustworthy. Even when I get stabbed in the back (and believe me when I say that I got stabbed so deeply in the back, that the knife cut right through, and that wasn't even by my MM), I will forgive that person.

 

For months now, the "status" of my EMA has been what I would call writing on the wall, yet, I still continue to hope for more. You see, in the beginning of my relationship with my MM, he lied to me. He told me all the right things to get what he wanted from me. I am sure that some of you are not strangers to this. Then, when he got what he wanted, his tune changed.

 

But, my hopeful (or idiotic) side still cannot reconcile his words with his actions. I have always thought that I was a smart person. If I was able to step out of my skin and look at myself, I wouldn't believe who I am - he lying I do to be with my MM, or the things I hide from my husband. Yes, it is exciting. But, the pain is not worth the price.... anymore, not after the lies.

 

He went away this past week with his wife and her family. We were together on Monday before he left. I got to see his house for the first time and that definitely helped eliminate some of his intrigue. All week, I kept hoping that he would call me - but nothing. He called his best friend (who happens to be a coworker).

 

Tomorrow I will see him after this period of separation. You know what I've realized, I can survive without him. I don't need him, like I thought I did. Destroying myself over someone who doesn't care one ounce about me (until he wants something) is not worth the price.

 

I just hope I have enough strength to feel this way when I see him again...

[owcanbhppy]

first, of course youll be ok w/out him. you have to be ok w/out any romantic partner to be better w/ any one.

 

even if it didnt feel that way, really, you never DIED after any bf in the past & you wont die after this one if he doesnt elevate you, not just temporary happiness, but make you feel good, in additiion to everything else YOU decided for your life that is right for your life.

 

ill never say an affair is the the best way to do it, but it gave me the biggest reason to have an out, for myself, to really try some one out & evaluate the person, their needs, & my needs. im very clear about what ill do if im no longer satisfied. ive never been more free. no one, parent, child, sibling, or partner has the right to define you, unless you turn over those rights. YOU CHOOSE.

[scarletletter]

I can understand how you feel because my MM has done the same things to me...like going on trips with family like everything is perfect. He is a very good actor. We went the whole week at christmas without talking because he was "so busy". He has changed alot during the last 6 months and has been much more attentive to me. Things were really taking a turn for the better and I felt more secure than ever, that was until the wife caught us wednesday. Now I wait...wait to see what is going to happen next. Somehow in the back of my mind, I think she will not leave him even though she says she is going to. My point is, MM want it all...the family life and a girl on the side. I think he just found out this past week that he cannot have it all. We, as OW, need to stay strong and don't let MM think that we cannot survive without them....even if we can't.

[Sami_D]

WonderWater, sad to say, not everyone IS honest and trustworthy and full of good intentions towards others.

 

And if a MM will lie to you, then I would say, he's not worth your time. Some people say, well ALL MM are liars! Because they're lying (even if it's only 'by omission') to their wives.

 

But to me, there is a vast difference between MM who lie to their OW, and those who don't, and it shows up their characters. A MM whose R with his W is 'over' (in his eyes at least), while he feels 'trapped' in his M (and often is trapped financially, or by a W who will not consider D, or has threatened to use the children against him), has reason in his own eyes (even if we don't agree with it, and personally it's not something I would do) to deceive his W. The desire not to upset the applecart, the 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' attitude, and the 'she doesn't care about me anyway, but won't let me go' point of view. We might not agree with that, but it's clear where those thoughts come from, and they're common to the huge majority of MM.

 

But deceiving the OW? Why is this even necessary? Lying in this case is purely and simply in order to deceive someone who otherwise would walk away from the MM, or make other choices. Lying about being M (the absolute worst, and not by any means rare), lying about whether he still sleeps with his W, lying about his intentions of leaving, etc. ALL intended to mislead someone who would otherwise walk away.

 

This is the difference, to me. Lying to the W, is because he feels trapped and lacks whatever it takes to get out. Lying to the OW... is to control/ influence someone else and entrap her. How can you even consider a R with a man who would lie to you in order to take away your choices, when there is NO NEED other than his own feelings of insecurity?

 

I know not everyone will agree with that, and there are a lot of ifs and buts and different situations, but it's just a (somewhat generalised) attempt to summarise one aspect of the 'all MM are liars' / 'don't be surprised if he lies to you' argument.

[Guest]

Hi, I think you are doing the right thing but it is hard.

I have been with MM for 8 years and I might as well have met him yesterday for all the commitment I have from him.

He is so indecisive and neurotic that it drives me mad. The worst thing is knowing that he is keeping his options open and yet still I go back for more.

 

This is a man who said to me as I was ending the relationship "Why don't you talk to me, but it doesn't mean that I will listen to anything you say". Talk about demeaning and he said it as I was dropping him off near his house. If he was serious why didn't he mention it during the 8 hours that he had been with me round my house. So I was not flattered by his offer to chat things through and we had NC for about 4 months until I turned up at a place I knew he would be.

 

He never gave me his mobile number by the way . We were so pleased to see each other that we resumed things until last November when he abruptly left me saying "I have to go now as my daughter is coming round to pick up her prescription". I was livid and he got very angry when he saw I was upset. Then I did something really stupid and blurted out "Why don't you and me get together properly when your youngest (she'e now 23) has finished college and if the answer is "No" then tell me now". He said he would think about it and I said the ball was in his court.There was then NC until 3 weeks ago when I bumped into him in town(we live a few miles apart).

 

He looked pleased to see me and he came back to the house and the affair resumed and I admitted that I had been stupid with the ultimatum. However he was going on holiday a week later for 3 weeks and he loves to be in control and I think he resented my ultimatum and likes punishing me.

 

So he said he would call me at home the following week before he went on his break. Well guess what--he never did.

 

On the last occasion he said he was having family difficulties but didn't expand and I didn't ask as he would have expanded on them if he wanted to. I asked about his kids and they were all Ok and his parents are dead and he doesn't speak to his sister so I guess it was the WIFE. But why would he be having problems with her if I habe been off the scene since last November?

 

Any comments/observations would be welcome. My head says forget him, don't demean yourself with any more contact.